Ah, the sign of Aries. I believe you have a god whose name is pronounced the same way. No matter, for I am your leader. As for your horoscope, you will serve Zod and believe in all that is Zod. By now you have realized you are the only person in your family who is ever going to amount to anything. You should plan on relocating and changing your surname to something more appropriate. An appropriate surname is "Slave of Zod." Example: Matthew, Slave of Zod.
The mighty bull of the heavens as well as the meat of the slaves of the planet Houston. The pressure of worshipping me will eventually cause you to suffer a mental breakdown this month. Fear not as someone loyal to me will hunt you down and throw you into a General Zod Re-education camp. There you will re-learn how to properly show your undying allegiance to me.
During my time spent imprisoned in the Phantom Zone, a majority of my endless torture I thought about seeking revenge on Jorel and the citizens of the Planet Krypton. The rest of the time, I thought about ruling the universe. Being born under the sign of the twin, you have been deemed unworthy to serve Zod. You must be destroyed. Your choices are to be frozen by my breath or disintegrated with my eye lasers. You may kneel before Zod to show your loyalty before being annihilated.
As Ruler of the Planet Houston, I have taken the liberty to label those slaves of mine born under this sign as the lowest caste. Much like the disease of the same name, you are the unwanted. Although Zod is wise in these affairs and realizing by simply destroying all of you, another group would soon emerge. Therefore, you shall exist by the grace of Zod. You will be required to worship Zod like all my other slaves, although you are not allowed to possess or own anything.
These slaves born under the sign of the lion will become the regulators of the Planet Houston. Your undying loyalty to me will serve you well as you hunt down those who refuse to Kneel before Zod. You will be given crude weapons in order to delegate the authority I dictate to all my slaves. You are given permission, in the name of Zod, to slaughter any of those slaves suspected of blasphemy.
General Zod sees a bright future for those of my slaves born under this sign. As bright as the yellow sun that gives me the right to be ruler of the Planet Houston. Family affairs should be the first priority for you this month, closely followed by sending decently long emails to your close friends. Refusal to follow the Horoscope provided by your ruler, General Zod; you will be destroyed.
General Zod believes money problems will haunt any of my slaves born under this sign. Without money, you will not be able to pay the taxes you owe in support of your ruler, General Zod. Without the ability to pay taxes to me, you will be in violation of showing undying devotion to Zod. Save now or be destroyed.
General Zod is a Scorpio. You all will worship any slave born under this sign, but not as much as you worship me. Those of you born under this sign will continue your struggles with manic depression and world domination.
General Zod grants those of you born under this sign a vacation. Take advantage of your time away from the mines and enjoy the fresh air and sunlight of the Planet Houston. Be aware, Zod is watching. Zod is always watching.
Worship me! I am invincible! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
Those slaves born under this sign are cowards after all. The Son of Jorel was born under this sign and he fled from me. I have no time for cowards. From this point on, I, General Zod, Ruler of the Planet Houston permanently remove the sign Aquarius from my ZODiac. You all must change the date of your birthday to fall under another sign.
Zod does not care for fish or anyone born under this sign. But Zod is merciful and therefore you all may still exist. General Zod feels a certain pity for those of you born under this sign as I have noticed none of you ever think about where you are or what you are doing at the moment. You shall be jesters in the Court of Zod, as I enjoy laughing at other less fortunate creatures and then annihilating them with my eye lasers.