Write a letter you would never send

[Boss Hog]

Write a letter you would never send (aka "the cathartic thread")

MEMO

To: Women in my office
From: The guy slowly going postal next to you


Subject: Your fucking shallow existance


Dear Ladies,

Lately I have noticed an increase in useless, vacuous chit chat which increasingly takes up more and more of your day. Talk of your family, of your work, of your weekend, all of which are fine.

However lately I am noticing an increase of talk of television, more specifically shows such as American Idol, The Apprentice, and the Superbowl half-time show. On behalf of 1/4 of the population of this office, I'd just like you to know that you are all annoying as fuck. The more vacant topics you cover, the more I have realized how completely mortal and meaningless your whole existance seems to be. I could be wrong. But I have a feeling I'm not.

Chit chat amongst office workers is a natural occurance and part of a typical working environment, and I accept this. I also am pretty tolerant of the stupidity of others, even though this is often difficult. However, I just want you to know as a point of interest that if you continue to talk about TV, weddings, gardens and ask about my social life, I am going to slip LSD into all of your coffees one of these mornings. Don't fuck with me, I mean it. Then we'll see how you enjoy conversations about the shapes of clouds, the texture of the snow outside, and how half the profs are actually demons in disguise.

Thanks very much for your attention to this memo, now I look forward to you shutting the fuck up.

 

[janiecakes]

boss - i just read that to the woman who sits next to me and she said:

"maybe if he started talking about tv he wouldn't be so angry."

hahaha

 

[Fillmore]

I have to agree with your co worker come Boss hog just pick up the remote and then tomorrow you can lead the conversation.

 

[Boss Hog]

hahahah I WRITE LETTERS!

 

[pr0nstar]

ARE THEY FAT MIDDLE AGED WOMEN!?

 

[nocturne]

BUAHAHHAHAHA..

*applause*

*standing ovation*

 

[Boss Hog]

Originally posted by pr0nstar
ARE THEY FAT MIDDLE AGED WOMEN!?

how did you know?!?! Are you psychic???

 

[pr0nstar]

You mentioned American Idol.
Dead give away

 

[vveerrgg]

Dear ________.

We've been working together for a couple of years, and all those compliments about your outfits, personality etc. are my thinly veiled attempts at hitting on you. I've been hot for you since day one. When I was in a relationship I couldn't... but now that I'm not.... I wanna.

The other week when you had me over for dinner and we drank alittle too much wine and talked alittle too much about all those dangerous things ppl talk about..... it took alot for me to decide to go home and NOT put the moves on you. I wanted to, but I didn't want to make you just one of my conquests.

I want to know everything about you. Get to know you as a person... outside of work. And if we still connect, make something out of it.

thanks for the smiles and looks.... you've got me smitten like no other.

verg.

 

[Adam]

Dear Employees of Subway,

I try to be a kind person. I can ignore minor bouts of stupidity, since I'm prone to them as much as the next guy. However, I really would like to propose something: Please let me make my own sub at lunchtime.

I know, I know. Customer's can't come behind the counter, health regulations, etc. It wouldn't have had to come to this though, if your staff members could get my order right once. Just one time.

I'm a simple man. I get the same sub, day in, day out. A footlong Veggie Burger on whole wheat with all the veggies. However, my results definitely have varied. I've been given a chicken teriyaki. I've been given a veggie burger sub minus the veggie burger. I've had the sub not cut in half. I've had the wrong dressing, and this is only in the month of January.

At the very least, please inform all of your employees about the existence of the Veggie Burger patty. This way I wouldn't have to point at the patties, then point to the microwave, then tell them to put it in for about a minute.

Thanks,

Definitely Not Jared

 

[Boss Hog]

hahahaah! I love it.

 

[Dr Funk MD]

Dear High School Bully:

It's been five long years since I've seen your furrowed brow and powder blue '86 Caprice rolling through the high school parking lot. How have things been? I've been busy making something of my life but I hear you've come on some hard time, literally*.

How's prison life been treating you? Have you made friends with your cell mates yet? How many months till your parole hearing? I hear the guy you punched out is recovering nicely. Apparently there won't be any permanent brain damage.

How's the sodomy**? I hear all these stories about jail but I never really know if there's any truth to it. Prison life must be hard, especially if you're someone’s 'bitch'. Remember when you used to call me 'fag' all the time. Kind of ironic*** isn't it?

Well I hope your parole hearing goes well. I'm sure your pot smoking buddies are missing you. I hear some of them have moved on to meth so I bet you're dying to give that a try.

Best of luck, your punching bag:
Summitt



*Literally
1: In a literal manner; word for word: translated the Greek passage literally.
2: In a literal or strict sense: Don't take my remarks literally.

**Sodomy
1: Any of various forms of sexual intercourse held to be unnatural or abnormal, especially anal intercourse or bestiality.

*** Ironic
1: Characterized by or constituting irony.
2: Given to the use of irony. See Synonyms at sarcastic.
3: Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended: madness, an ironic fate for such a clear thinker

 

[nocturne]

haha^^

 

[junglegirl]

Dear Fellow Employees;

This is a professional workplace NOT a frat house.
Yes it is in my job description to make sure the office looks tidy but this does not mean rinsing your dishes and cleaning the drain of your nasty lunch that you just decide to leave in the sink - It also doesn't mean that I should clean up your snotty tissues that you leave everywhere!!! I am now putting back dishes while they are still dirty and I will see how long it takes you to notice
A side note to the bosses - while I am working on something that has a deadline is it really that important that I come and grab your empty coffee mugs and dirty utensils that you could easily bring out to the kitchen when you come get me to clean your SHIT up - I don't expect an answer because you heads are up your asses and you probably can't hear what I am asking.

Thanks for your time

 

[stir-fry]

Good Morning Ronald (McDonald),

It has been three years since I found employment at a software company in Markham. As I don't have the time to make myself breakfast in the mornings, you will find me frequenting the drive-thru of your Markham franchise. (I'd say at least twice a week.. I know it can't be healthy for me, but I digress.)

While I really enjoy your breakfast sandwiches I must say I am quite dismayed by the service of one particular Drive-Thru employee. (Who I might add, is ALWAYS on Drive-thru duty; for the past 3 fricken years!)

I have never changed my order; one Sausage McMuffin (sans egg) and one B.L.T. with NO tomatoes; that's all, that's it. No I do not want a Sausage McMuffin WITH egg, no I do not want a drink with that, and no I do not want to make either of my sandwiches a combo as I detest hash browns and potatoes in general.

I have never changed my appearance, and I always drive the same car; I only own one. The drive-thru window faces the speaker box, so I can only assume that this employee has never looked up from the cash register. If she had the wherewithal to pay one second of attention to the outside world before she asks her obviously scripted questions, the drive-thru experience would be more pleasant for the two of us.

Ronald, I beg you. Please visit this franchise and slap this employee with your white glove before I do it for you.

Thanks in advance, the always cheerful
Stephen.

ps, I love the makeup..

 

[vveerrgg]

^^^ the ps. totally makes that letter!

 

[Boss Hog]

update:

they're all looking at family photo albums now.

 

[junglegirl]

hahah thats funny - I like that I basically have my own office - people walk through it and linger sometimes but I wouldn't like being in close quarters with people

 

[Littlest Hobo]

Dear Little Xena my pet cat,

Didn’t your mommy teach you to poop properly? Didn’t she teach you to not exit your litterbox until the poop have finished coming out of your bum completely? Because a poopie hanging out of your bum doesn’t make me want to play with you. Having Mommy wipe your bum, and having me see that just as I’m waking from a nap gives me that ‘was that real or was I still dreaming’ feeling. It’s rather unsettling.


Daddy

 

[PolishPrincess]

Dearest Bridget,

I shall make this short and to the point.
I know that gum, or candy is not allowed on the sales floor, but most of your employees brush, floss and use mouth wash.
After your morning coffee, when you are giving me jobs for the day, it would be great if you either A) kept your distance from me or B) Take the piece of gum i offer you.
You know we all chew gum on the floor.....customers dont want to talk with u if they can smell the onions you had for lunch. Dont CHOMP on your gum...but it is possible to hide it while talking.

p.s: also, as the manager of a clothing store...you would think that you knew how to dress yourself. Your pants are too tight and your underwear lines are gastly.

(i would also like a raise) Thank you
That is all.
employee #3873

 

[junglegirl]

I love this thread

 

[IgStar]

Dear Morning Worker @ any given Tim Hortons

I am having a hard time understanding what the deal is with never getting my coffee right. It is a fairly simple order, large 1 cream, 1 sugar. Yet every morning I drive from the drive-through, only to arrive at work desparate for that first sip of coffee and every day it is ass. There is either not enough cream, or too much cream and no sugar, or too much sugar.

What can I do to make this easier for you to grasp?

B/C you ruin my morning, everyday.

Thanks,

a very unsatisfied customer











and I know one (or numerous) of you slim horton haters will tell me that is b/c tim hortons IS ass

 

[Dr Funk MD]

To all the single girls I met in 2003:

Seriously, what's the deal? Do I have bad breath or something?

Yours in longing,
Summitt

 

[PolishPrincess]

also,

Dear Boss (other job)

Your foul mood, makes me grumpy.
At your age you should hire someone to run your store. You are getting too old to be a sales person, you move slowly, arent as friendly as you should be. And when you call me BABY, SEXY or comment on how good my legs look in that mini skirt it really bothers me.
That time i was sitting in my chair and you were bending to get a file from the drawer....remeber that? When you started to blow on my back because a little bit of skin was exposed? YEAH..THATS A NO NO. High fives when i make a good sale are OK....LONG HUGS are not as OK. Telling me to "behave, or your SPANK me" is also not ok!

You make me uncomfortable, and when you are in the store i want to poke my eyes out with a spike heel.

See you after lunch

 

[Boss Hog]

Originally posted by Indian Girl

and I know one (or numerous) of you slim horton haters will tell me that is b/c tim hortons IS ass