Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "X" and "Y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator an are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.

These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line. These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex.

As our Great Leader would say, "read my ellipse". Though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.

Watch CNN later for more details and probably interviews with Larry King