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when all these things are falling apart..


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it seems like i gotta start all over from the beginning again.
after you put so much energy, time, passion for a dream, and your dream is falling apart because of irresponsible ass hole,
you just feel you have no more energy left or something.
i had a dream.
i worked on my dream.
i took actions.
i worked for my dream for the last 4 months.
when i am finally to see my dream,
i am feeling the danger that the pieces of puzzles are rather falling apart..and not completing.
for this dream,
i was ready to quit my job that I have been having in toronto.
for this dream,
i was ready to invest most of my money.
now that this dream may not come into reality, and after i spent so much time and energy for this project,
i have nothing left,
so mine as well, i should start something big again.

well, when you are in a situation like this, what do you do?

i seriously need some giggling sessions again.




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monkey's are always good for making a person smile..



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i was already talking to her earlier. I know how she is feeling right now.
She needs something to cheer her up a little, and that was my attempt!
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hehe, jay, thanks for your kind words,
steve knows all the stories involved in my life..
i sort of feel like
quiting my job in toronto despite of my dream not coming into reality..and
start everything from scratch..
like 2001 is gone now,
the only way to cheer myself up seems to do something new for me.
it has nothing to do where i live etc,
but i consider of quiting my job, and
go somewhere like i came to toronto..
for the new chapter of my life..
perhaps, it is the time for the move..


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ur SOOOO pretty when you smile!

I'm sorry things are not working out... maybe they are and you don't see it yet.

don't give up!


Ditto Much

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Time for a move
Time to retreat
Time to run away with your tail between your legs

sorry I've pulled option 3 twice. If your going to do it be honest.
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Ditto Much

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Yeah I want tom ove to a poor central american country and help build irigation system for community based farming projects.

But I've also run away a couple of times. Shit has a strange way of tracking you down, rarely does a change of scenes make a real difference for long.

Jobs are jobs, lovers are lovers and homes are simply places you leave your shit behind. If your going to start all over I congratulate you, if you throw it all to a game of pitch and toss your more man than eye (provewrb like shit not literal). All I say is make damn sure that yuour honest to yourself, don't let yourself twist reality or make things bigger than they are. If your looking for who you are take count of who you were first.

All I ask is you answer the tough questions first, else your a coward and thats just weak.

Ditto Much

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You'd never guess I make a living typing would you!!!!!

Personally every now and then I need to frighten myself. I need to feel life. The only way to feel life in this way is to honestly cry, to honestly feel pain, to look at the ground as it approaches you quickly and see your grade three teacher scolding you for innane shit with no meaning.

Did the innane shit lose meaning yet? do you have focus? are you dwelling on your grade three teacher?

Sorry I can pat your ass and be nice if you preffer but everyone else is going to do that. I don't know you, hell I don't know whats wrong I'm just not one to make things taste sweet when they're bitter.


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aww Kumi - is this the situation that you were telling me about at Smirnoff
I was hoping that things had worked out for you!!

If they don't recognise how lucky they are to have you they don't deserve you!
Things will get better

I really believe that everything happens for a reason - it is probably b/c you have something much better coming to you!!!

i hope that you are feeling better sweetie!!


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actually, i like that better, ditto much.
well, i dislike of talking my personal business to strangers.
i dislike of talking of who i am myself.
cause people should know me by seeing me..
knowing me..through the actions that i take and not from the words that i speak.

this mouse business is such an easy way to put people in illusions.
and i rather see clarity in my life.

anyhow, to share where i come from,
let me speak what has happened.
please bare with me.
i love music.
i love art.
i love expressionists.
i love people who are reflections of art and music.
the actions that they take is the reflections of their love for the medium that they have passion for,
or their expression of themselves in that medium travels through the senses that i have as a human.

there was this artist that i admire so much.
through my struggle in my summer camp experience, his music were the source for my energy.
i really appreciated the music that he played.
it just clicked with me you know?
it was a part of me..like my hair on my head.

so when i returned from the camp,
i came to have this will to land this person in japan.

i somehow got a connection from the electronic music culture in japan.
this person introduced me to my boss who i work for now.
my boss liked my idea (my dream) of having my fav artist to perform in japan.
so we agreed to take actions for this.

our actions started.
beside myself working for the full time job that i had, i worked for this dream during the nite (because of the time difference in japan and here), did some translation work,
was basically the middle person for the communication between my boss and this artist.

whenever the artist got the offer to perform during the first and second week of the february this year, he asked him to put away or cancel it. because we were planning a TOUR>

we already had a proposal that stated that it was going to be a tour last year.

now when i asked for the final contract,
since my boss did not want to risk anything, and had an offer to have ben sims for 2000 us per gig, he decided to spend more money and time for ben sims and not for the artist that we have been planning the tour for the last 4 months.
therefore, now we are only getting one gig.
it is no longer a tour.
but the artist cancelled all the offers he had in spain in japan for this project.

now the aritst is really upset.
he is asking for the money to be wired by next monday.
it is already saturday in japan.
the banks are most likely closed.
i do not really know if he will get the money transfered by monday.
if not, this plan for the tour is over.

not only my boss screwed my relationship with the artist that i admrire,
he screwed us around in the business field too.

i have asked a person who may be able to help us out in this situation.
but i really have very little hopes left within me.

it is tough when you take actions based on pure dreams and generousity..and then the person who is in it for the money takes advantages of you and screw you around and
treat you like shite in the end.
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i know that all these new experiences are always hard..and difficult; therefore, i get to learn the lessons from what i encounter.

i was just too hyped and excited of this.

to see my fav dj to perform in japan with my eyes.
knowing that *i* organized it.
*i* put all the puzzles together and creating the environment for the artist that i admire.

i never did this for the superficial reasons.
i am not getting paid for the work that i have been doing for this dream in the past.
(instead, i am getting to be flyed there from the company).

if the company does not wire the money by monday,
not only it left me and the artist some bitterness, artist has no gigs for the first and second weekend in feb (he usually gets 1500-2000 us every weekend),
all the work that i have done is simply wasted.

and i think hard:
what was i thinking?
was i thinking clarity in the reality?
was i living in illusions?

you know, i believe that all the work that i put into always turn into something.
more and more energy i put into it,
it always turn into something.
through this artist,
i have met this former executive director of limelight who has given me the proposal to work with me for the different dream that we both share.
this last part sounds amazing enough for me.
i was wishing to meet him in person as i bring myself to japan for the tour, and
seriously talk of our plan on which actions we should start taking etc..

now that i do not even know if i could get to japan.
perhaps, i should make money myself and just go to japan and do what i gotta do...


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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Cheeka:
aww Kumi - is this the situation that you were telling me about at Smirnoff
I was hoping that things had worked out for you!!

If they don't recognise how lucky they are to have you they don't deserve you!
Things will get better

I really believe that everything happens for a reason - it is probably b/c you have something much better coming to you!!!

i hope that you are feeling better sweetie!!
yeah. it is the same stuff.
now the boss is including me.
but the bottom line is:

no money by monday,
all of these things that i have put my energy into is all gone..like 2001.
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kumi, i'm really sorry stuff worked out the way it did. i know you've been working hard on this for months, i've seen the anguish you've been going through to make your dream come alive.

and now that this has happened, the dream may be over.....MAYBE. but i don't think that's an excuse to move and start again somewhere else. you've done this twice already, i really don't think moving again is the best idea. try and establish yourself first, all of this cannot happen overnight, i understand. but moving will not make it any better. like someone said above, your problems have a way of following you. you have a great group of people here in TO that would love to help you. let them.

problems that happen in life are merely opportunities to make yourself learn and become better and stronger. treat this situation as such an opportunity. do not run from it.

and if all that i said above doesn't convince you to stay, i swear i'll hold my breath until you say you'll stay


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i am not moving to run away from the problem.
all of these happened through the internet and telecommunication.
there is no one who is from toronto who was involved in this.
the reason why i want to move is that
i do not find myself establishing my identity here.
perhaps, i must move to japan in the order to really establish my identity, and work with people so that they can trust me better.
do you know what i mean?
i doubt this has turning this manner if my boss actually worked with me in japan.
people can get all loose and irresponsible in this internet world.
i am tired of it.
and i want to actually work on things that i have passion for.
and i need to take the advantage of my nationality to really work wt people in the business field.
otherwise, people only see me as a foreigner and minor.
but i do not let those stupid stereotyped vision to narrow down my opportunity.
if i want to really get up higher than where i am, perhaps, i shall go to japan and establish more work experience and return to north america.

but my dad who believes in psychics tell me that he does not want me to do any new things as it brings me negative karmic energy.
perhaps, he is right.
but i just dislike to live my life ordinary.
i want to do things that i feel like doing.
and if my intuitions say go for it,
i rather go through the difficult path and learn the lesson, than live my life so boring and plane all safe and peaceful.
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