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Toxic friends (!!!)

Skipper

TRIBE Member
Holy fuck, I think I have just had enough with my closest friend.

I need some insight here, I'm so mad I can't see straight.

Him and I have been having issues for awhile, mostly the result of us growing into different things, having different priorities, etc. My issue with him is that he is always trying so hard to be fabulous that he comes off arrogant and condescending. However, pretty much all of our common friends eat his antics up and beg for more. I have been close with him for 8 years and to me, his new self is tiresome.

Yesterday we were emailing back and forth, which got pretty heated after I told him how I felt about some of the way he acts...

So later I get an email from his roommate, who my friend had shared my email with, telling me basically to f-off. Even more tragic is that his roommate is 37 years old...

Now the roommate is involved, my emails have been shared with who knows who else, and I'm finally fed up. Is nothing private anymore??

I don't really know what to do. To just not call/email anymore seems weird, after speaking practically every day for the last 8 years. But he doesn't listen to me when I tell him how I feel. This friendship is beginning to take a huge amount of energy out of me; the coming to terms with the fact that he has changed so much is really difficult.

Help. :(
 
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Muad'ib

Well-Known TRIBEr
You said your piece, he shared it. I think it is up to him to come talk to you about the problems you are having. You shouldn't have to chase him down to ask why he told his roomie. It sounds like he is not the most confident guy and he is looking for validation from his peers, you see through his act and that threatens him, so he felt like he needed someone to back him up. He is just a weak and scared little boy looking for acceptance, don't worry about it too much.

:)
 

Klubmasta Will

TRIBE Member
maybe your friend is lashing out because your email hurt his feelings. being told that you are "trying hard to be fabulous" can be quite hurtful, you know.

also, what's with that 37 year-old telling you to fuck off? AS IF old people are allowed to have opinions.

ps. all kidding aside, perhaps your email was too harsh and, if not, perhaps your friend misinterpreted it. if he's really one of your best friends, just call him and insist that you talk until it's all resolved.
 

mingster

TRIBE Member
your "friend" has shown very little respect for you by sharing your emails with other people. he has shown that your relationship with him holds little importance. sounds like someone could use a little maturity! ;)


cut your losses skipper. you're better off without. that's what i think anyways.
 

Evil Dynovac

TRIBE Member
It may be a little lonely but I think you should stick to your guns and walk away. Muad'ib is right. If he turned a private conversation into a drama fest that's because he's insecure. His first thought is not of making things right between you two but defending his own position by shoring up allies who will fight you on his behalf.

It all comes out of the wash in time, as they say. Your absence may cause him to think about the situation. Then he might come around.

I would NOT get into a conversation about this with this third party. I would deal only with your so-called friend. Say what you need to say politely and then say goodbye.
 
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Dr Funk MD

TRIBE Promoter
I'm kind of going through the same things with a couple of my friends. I've tried to be the good friend and keep them involved in my life and be involved in theirs but the have this real apathetic attitude that really drives me nuts. There isn't as much drama going on as in your case but it's hard just the same.

I guess my advise would be to first stop sending emails because it's possible that one or both of you are misinterpreting the other. People tend to take written words more seriously then when someone is speaking to them. I'd confront him face to face and that way you know you can cut down on the roommate factor somewhat. You can't forward personal conversations. And maybe you just need to stop seeing him for a while. Hopefully he'll notice your absense and wonder why you don't come around any more.

That's my opinion anyway. :)
 

Lil'Timmy

TRIBE Promoter
Well one I'd kick him in the junk for sharing with his roomate, and then having his roomate email you...no offense to your friend of 8 years, but IMO someone like that has no balls whatsoever.

You said what you gotta say, and if you're getting fed up, you might as well wave adios. Granted it'll be hard, and if you think that something can be saved, go for it. But from my experience, if it's causing you stress, I'd wish him luck in life and do what you do.
 

whatwaytoturn

TRIBE Member
This is probably one of those 'friends' you keep close because if you didn't he'd be one of your worst enemies. Cut your losses and run. It's not worth the agony.
 

afterglow

TRIBE Member
You can't send him an emila telling him how you feel and expect him to be totally cool with it.

That's a risk you took, and it went the "bad" way.
 
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ktown

TRIBE Member
hey skipper :p

i kind of agree with Klubmasta Will, maybe your email really hurt him and he "got back at you" by showing it to his roomate :confused:

who konws... guys are messed up - i swear - you can't be too nice but not too blunt either... they pretend like nothing hurts them but in the long run i think thye might actually be worse than women <gasps - and looks around to see how many tribe members are thinking about a debate> because they keep everything bottled up inside

give it some time :) - everything happens for a reason - and even if it isn't goood sometimes you can't avoid it

hopefully everything ends up okay :) - i say just give it some time - try not to think about it for now and in a couple of days see how you feel

* :p
 

Dr Funk MD

TRIBE Promoter
I also think breaking up with a friend is WAY harder then breaking up with a girlfriend/boyfriend and it's funny how much people will take from their friends that they wouldn't put up with if they were dating them.
 

mingster

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Skipper

Him and I have been having issues for awhile, mostly the result of us growing into different things, having different priorities, etc. My issue with him is that he is always trying so hard to be fabulous that he comes off arrogant and condescending. However, pretty much all of our common friends eat his antics up and beg for more. I have been close with him for 8 years and to me, his new self is tiresome.


i think, unfortunately, this is a natural occurence with people that we've known for so long. eventually, we just don't have the same interests anymore. i've stopped being friends with a girl that used to be my best friend, just cause we didn't have anything to share anymore. we didn't even have a fight really, save for a few hurt feelings. but that's just the way things are.

if you try to salvage your relationship, only to be faced with this problem again...well, you know where this is going.
 

Klubmasta Will

TRIBE Member
wow, you guys are all pretty quick to give up on friends, eh?

she's talking about a guy that's been her best friend for 8 years.

you really all think she should walk away just because he's been acting like a wally lately and he shared a private email with some geezer?
 

noodle

TRIBE Member
"Breaks" do wonders for friendships that turn toxic.

I've had issues with my longest and closest friend (because the nature of both of our personalities) that forced me to step back from the friendship for a while.

I went though 2 years without contact with her. I found the time off made me value why we were friends in the first place, and because of the length of our friendship, it wasn't difficult to rekindle a "new" friendship after the time off.

If you drift away completely, then that's life. But sometimes friendships need a "cooling" period.
 
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Skipper

TRIBE Member
I mean, sure, we have all vented about friendship/relationship issues to other people, but what appalls me is that the roommate went ahead and emailed me...then when I wrote him back, asking "why were you reading that email?" he responded that my friend had shared it with him. It's not like he was snooping.

I have said some harsh things, I know I have. But I have also pranced lightly around some of his actions, joking with him that I think they're out of place or inappropriate, and he doesn't get it. If his best friend isn't going to say something, who will?

Sometimes it's downright embarassing, the way he talks or treats people or speaks (even jokingly) about other people when they walk away. Sometimes he has no class whatsoever, which is brutal because he thinks in doing so, he's impressing people.

Him and I talk via email quite often, and so far we have never misunderstood one another in a big way, which is why we keep emailing. Now I cringe to think how many of our mutual friends he has forwarded that off to, trying to win their acceptance and make me look like a miserable bitch.

I dunno, maybe I am. :D
 

whatwaytoturn

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Klubmasta Will
wow, you guys are all pretty quick to give up on friends, eh?

she's talking about a guy that's been her best friend for 8 years.

you really all think she should walk away just because he's been acting like a wally lately and he shared a private email with some geezer?

What's the difference between a friendship that mentally drains you & a relationship that does the same? You leave the relationship & move on when it's clear it's not working. Why can't you do the same with friends?
 

PurrLee

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Dr Funk MD
People tend to take written words more seriously then when someone is speaking to them. I'd confront him face to face and that way you know you can cut down on the roommate factor somewhat. You can't forward personal conversations.

so so true...
the email approach often leaves you vulnerable to counter-attack, because the other person has the words sitting in front of them to read over and over and pick apart. even the most carefully and tactfully written email can be misunderstood or blown way out of proportion and then thrown back in your face.
the roomate needs to mind his own biz. what does he think emaillin you will accomplish?? :rolleyes:
i'd let it be for now. this is a test. if this is a true friend, your opinion will matter to him and he'll want to talk about.
the ball's in his court.
 

janiecakes

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by noodle
But sometimes friendships need a "cooling" period.

Good advice.

You don't need to make a decision now about whether you want to continue the friendship. You can take a step back for a while. It'll give you some time to think about what's going on and what you want. I've done this a couple of times and I really feel that it helped me make good decisions.
 
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Skipper

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Klubmasta Will
wow, you guys are all pretty quick to give up on friends, eh?

she's talking about a guy that's been her best friend for 8 years.

you really all think she should walk away just because he's been acting like a wally lately and he shared a private email with some geezer?

It's not just about the email...but that was what has gotten me really pissed off. There have been other things, things that I have tiptoed around for months, that I have finally put on the table in the last week or so and as a result, things have been really tense.

He has backed out of our "dates" that were important to me. He tries to do all things all of the time, and when he realizes he can't do it, I'm the one who gets the axe, even if what we had planned was important to me and I had told him it was important to me months in advance. He blames his issues on work, his commute, his busy schedule, but he fails to acknowledge that he is only as busy as the rest of us...

A couple of weeks ago, after I organized a surprise birthday dinner for him with all of our friends, he got mad at me for not coming to the bar that everyone went to afterwards. I had already told him I wouldn't be going, and that I would be going to "the club." Totally unfair and hypocritical...

I don't WANT to walk away - it breaks my heart to think about it. But sticking it out doesn't seem to be doing anyone any favors either.
 

LivingRoomPornstar

TRIBE Member
Sounds like you've done the cost benefit analysis, and its coming up short.

Question. Was there positive reinforcement in that letter? Or was it just a 2-page bitchfest? If it was the latter, I'd probably get pretty defensive as well.

Dan
 

noodle

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Skipper


I don't WANT to walk away - it breaks my heart to think about it. But sticking it out doesn't seem to be doing anyone any favors either.

It's really hard believe me. My friend and I would talk everyday before the cooling. Actually it just kind of trickled off. And I honestly did miss her. But we needed a break before things turned REALLY ugly.

Sometimes all it takes is a couple of weeks. In the long run, it's much better than letting the friendship boil into something hateful and resentful (ie- causing you to totally end it on a very sour note).
 

mutslaster

TRIBE Member
i agree that you should give it a cooling off period... but take that time to assess what you're really getting out of this friendship. loyalty and longevity only count for so much and mean nothing if things are no longer reciprocal.
people drift apart-- it's sad, but it happens, and if he's causing more grief than happiness in your life then it may be time to cut the cord. keep in mind that this doesn't have to be permanent-- you never know what will happen in the future. but for right now in your life-- are you two making each other happy or not?
 
Trim the fat.

I had some good ole fat trimming times with two close friends 2-3 years ago, both female.

They were draining me of all my energy and I had to invest sooo much time and energy in maintaining what they thought a friend should do (one needed me to call 10 times a day with my every action, and the other had to spend EVERY weekend with me, including days etc.)

I knew I had to do something when after dropping hint after hint for several weeks of "I'm busy" or "I would like some time alone this weekend" one would still call and say "Ok, so I'll see you at your house after work on friday - what are WE doing this weekend?" (this girl would usually spend the entire weekend, sleeping in my bed, I might add)

So I finally said, I can't do this anymore, it's too draining, you need too much from me, let's take some time off - haven't you seen how clingy you're being and how that's driving me to do x, y and z?

Granted she was upset (even though I phrased it nicely), but she finally called me back this past November, just to say hi. So I think we might get back into the friend routine, just on a much less clingy level.

Fat trimming once in a while isn't so bad - it doesn't have to be permanent unless you want it to.
 
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