The un-crush thread

[*tranner*]

There was a time in my life where just looking at somebody would make my heart skip. I could have easily been a guy in an antiperspirant commercial whenever I'd talk to her. Whenever I thought about her I'd get caught up in a daydream, and I could feel the raw emotion well up in my chest.

These feelings I describe are what I associate crushes with. Am I right to say that such feelings can more generally describe attraction? If they do then my heart has turned to stone.

It's been years since I've felt the way I'd feel whenever Emily would pass me in the halls. Or when Melissa would ask me for help in class. As I got older I'd feel the "crush" feelings less and less, and here I am, cold and unfeeling. Is this something you just grow out of?

I've met a beautiful, smart, and interesting girl at school. We have the same interests in music, and in my world, girls like this are few and very far between. I think I should be attracted to her, she is what I thought I wanted. I want to feel the way I've felt with crushes years ago, but those feelings aren't there. I'm afraid I don't really know what I want in a partner, and without knowing that, how will I ever find one?

To everyone out there, how do you know when you're attracted to someone? Can attraction be rationalized? (ie. she's 4 inches taller than me, has long hair, and likes house.) How do you know what to look for in a mate? What does love, attraction, or infatuation feel like to you?

 

[Rosey]

i dunno what to say man, except i've felt it too. my heart is in the same place. my pulse just don't jump like it used to. is 24 over the hill?

 

[Guest]

at least try and zop her.

 

[jungleboy]

I'm 25 but most of the wait staff at Sneaky dee's still get me going....sigh.....

 

[stir-fry]

i agree with a lot of what you said.. and I also feel the feelings that you described less and less as i have gotten older.

You don't think you know what you want in a relationship anymore and you don't think you know what attraction is. (even though the description you gave of this girl, it seems you are attracted without knowing it). Maybe as you have gotten older and wiser you have subconsciously realized that attraction isn't always whats on the outside. Just because you don't get the "heart in your stomach" feeling when you look at her everyday, maybe if you give it time and get to know her inner beauty you will start to feel that feeling again (maybe even more so).

You'll never know what you want until you find out what you don't want!

 

[Bass-Invader]

such feelings caused me to do alot of really stupid things in the past..

at the same time, nothing wakes you up brighter in the morning than those same feelings...

i havent felt them in quite a while now.. its strange... i don't know whether to miss them or not...

 

[KiX]

You're probably gay.

I still get crushes. But i crush on the way people make me think.

=tina=

 

[mystique0217]

i totally understand what you mean.
so that's why when i had the crush on this dude from my work, i was like..woah.

to me, what does this crush mean is that:
when i feel as though there is something pulling me from the person and i feel the pull in a way that i am pulling the person towards me also.

the tension.
i feel as though i am feeling that tension.
and as soon as i recognize myself feeling of the tension, the chemistry run throughout my body.

i believe in invisible energy that runs though our body.
sometime, you see that as an aura in people.
it is usually through the people's eyes that i see the energy..
something within them.

to me, love seems like a comfortable and peaceful feelings that allow me to be me,
something that triggers my motherhood to be in action (like want to give him some head smudges to relax him..or wanting to see him fall into sleep beside me..or that want to make some yummy food for him)

overall, simply, love makes me more giving person, more patient person, more accepting person, and more loving person.

i still feel the chemistry with the person i have feelings for..despite of the comforts that he gives me ..

peace

-Kumi

p.s.
thanks for the nice thread.
i needed this after all the challenging stuff happening in my life.

 

[Blacula!]

I had a crush.. Then she went for some loser..

 

[MoFo]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by KiX:
You're probably gay.


=tina=</font>

The truth hurts. There there, Tranner. There there.

Well, I am in the same boat. I don't think I get as excited anymore. I lose interest real fast too.

Two years ago, I was all into finding a partner to be my other half. I was all into meeting that "special someone." And I would fall for numerous people.

Now I'm just... devoid of any insane emotion. That "crush" tension. I think it's definitely a phase though.

Like me, I think you've hit a plateau. And circumstances (who knows what they could be?) have caused you to be blocked from channeling that "crush" feeling into something else for the way you are now. People change through time and there's maybe something deep inside stopping you from being as excited as you were years ago because I believe that that energy must turn into something else (the next level towards maturity).

Or you might be gay.

 

[*tranner*]

Mofo, there's something about what you said... I don't know but I haven't felt this way in years!

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by MoFo:
Like me, I think you've hit a plateau. And circumstances (who knows what they could be?) have caused you to be blocked from channeling that "crush" feeling into something else for the way you are now. People change through time and there's maybe something deep inside stopping you from being as excited as you were years ago because I believe that that energy must turn into something else (the next level towards maturity).</font>

What you say here is intriguing, but I'm kinda lost. Or maybe it's me, I just watched 12 Monkeys and my head is a bit scrambled. But are you suggesting that the feelings of tension and excitement wane as we mature, or is a sign of our maturity? And can you explain the part about channeling that feeling into something else? I really want to understand what you're saying but I'll need a hand here.

 

[MoFo]

Well, ideally, I would assume that like your body develops into stages, your emotions would as well.

Remember when you were a kid and you liked your mom? Or your aunt? Or had these really infantile crushes? Well, that developed into puberty and then highschool where everyone was lookin' might fine.

So the next step? I don't know cuz I'm only 21 but I would think that as one matures, maybe the "crush" energy that one has can be channeled for something more... concrete. Like, it falls somewhere between uncontrollable desire (post-teenage lust) and the desire to find a mate (permanently).

Right now it seems that you aren't experiencing either. So you've hit a plateau in your emotional development. At least, that's what I feel about myself right now. I can consciously evaluate myself as being... attracted to people and it excites me to a certain degree. But not how it used to. And not to the point where I want someone permanently.

 

[*tranner*]

Thanks, I understand now. I hope it is just a stage in my emotional development. Maybe I'm just looking for the wrong signs of attraction, signs which had meaning before but are obsolete now.

 

[deep]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by *tranner*:
To everyone out there, how do you know when you're attracted to someone?</font>

You just know.

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"> Can attraction be rationalized?</font>

Sure. I think a lot of the times people make out attraction to be some kind of inexplicable thing, when in reality the explanatory factors may just be over their head.

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">How do you know what to look for in a mate?</font>

You start out with basic physical attraction, you have a few relationships and learn what's important to you and what's not, and as such qualify your later opportunities with not only physical attraction but your emotional needs based on your experiences and who you are at that point in time. You're more likely to have those crush-y feelings if you're a bit naive about all the factors that go into who a person is. If you see people as being more than just what your initial impressions are then it takes a bit more to get the motor revving.

I don't think you should get down on yourself if you're not feeling a spark for a girl who on paper looks like everything you've wanted. Chemistry is chemistry.

I can personally attest to have never really felt like most guys make themselves out to be, that they just see someone and are instantly wanting them. I've got to interact with them a bit more than just initial impressions. It's not because I'm one of those people who are afraid to express emotions and thus always take things slow. Nor is it because I'm faking some bullshit pretense to make it seem like I'm more sensitive than your typical guy to get laid. It's just because I know myself and who I am. I need more connections than just on one level. That isn't just limited to relationships, it applies to a lot of things. I get bored quickly.

So for me, when I see someone beautiful, of course I take note, but it's more of a mental register of "whoa" than it is an all encompassing feeling. For them to consume my thoughts or get my heart pumping, there has to be something more beyond that. In my experience, when that is attained, the power of that attraction is so much more deep and intense than anything an initial crush could offer. Which in turn makes it more meaningful and satisfying.

It's the reason why people say that the mind is the largest sex organ, that raw physical attraction is one thing, but when you have bonafide chemistry between beings it takes that raw physical attraction and amplifies it exponentially. Which makes you seek that out in subsequent interactions and not just basic physical attraction.

 

[Tonedeff]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by KiX:


I still get crushes. But i crush on the way people make me think.

</font>

thanks for giving us ugly smart guys some hope in this world

[john merrick]I am not an animal[/john merrick]

 

[deep]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Tonedeff:
thanks for giving us ugly smart guys some hope in this world
</font>

if it makes you feel any better, I'd bonk you if I were a girl.

 

[Tonedeff]

no it doesn't

 

[deep]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Tonedeff:
no it doesn't</font>

hahaahahah no warm fuzzies at all?

 

[Tonedeff]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by deep:
hahaahahah no warm fuzzies at all?

</font>

no, just the cold shakes accompanied by the howling fantods...but relax, I was just kidding when I said I was an ugly smart guy...I'm really not that smart

 

[deep]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Tonedeff:
no, just the cold shakes accompanied by the howling fantods...but relax, I was just kidding when I said I was an ugly smart guy...I'm really not that smart

</font>

no

 

[Bean]

It's the winter, wait till spring arrives...

Peace,

Sabina

 

[zoo]

yeah

spring seems to reliably bring around hornyness and sex.

i thought only highschool kids and younger got "crushes" ?

 

[SUNKIST]

tranner i totally agree with you. while people can grab my attention artificially at first, with a nice body, or an attractive face..i dont "crush" on people anymore in the sense of the word that we all know. it's been forever since i actually get all mushy and excited inside when i think of that someone, or talk to them on the phone. however, this isnt a bad thing. i think its a process of emotional maturing, and no longer being that giddy little school girl whenever some hot guy walks by. im not looking for "that guy", but im more than confidant that when he come along, there will be no way to avoid it..things just work out like that. in the meantime, its all about doing what makes me happy, and learning about myself.

 

[graham]

I haven't had that total, unmistakable energy and excitement for...probably 5 years now. No one's porridge is just right!

 

[Temper Tantrum]

...I'm notorious for crushes. Ask my roomates, or any close friends, I'm always saying 'I'm so in love with so and so' or 'I have the biggest crush on ___' But for me a crush is just fun, it's nothing serious. I can have crushes on gay men, on friends, on friends with girlfriends or whatever. At anyone given time I probably have about 5 or 6 crushes. It's not the 'butterflies in your stomach so you can't hardly breathe' type of crushes, it's a crush for fun, that I would rarely act on. Thats not to say I wouldnt date most of my crushes if the oppurtunity was right, but more then likely I wouldn't act on it because it's just a crush. If I actually _like_ someone it's a different story. Thats a step beyond me for a crush where I do have feelings involved, and would likely initiate something.

I get crushes on people for all sorts of reasons. Maybe their really good looking, maybe they have read some obscure philosophy book that I adore and have never met anyone who's read it before, maybe they come their hair in a certain way, maybe I saw them give money to someone on the street ...whatever it is, crushes are fun and harmless, though their rarely serious for me. (thus the idfference between 'like' and crush)

My .02

~allie~