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The Joke Thread


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2 guys are talking...

the one guy says "do you know what a freudian slip is"?

the other guy responds "no"

so the first guy explains what they are to him and then proceeds to tell a story about one he recently had.
"i was traveling to pittsburgh. the girl working the counter who sold me the ticket had these nice big breasts. when i spoke to tell her what i wanted i accidentally asked for a one way ticket to titsburgh"

they both laughed and then the second man said "i had one of those recently too. i was out for dinner with my wife and i wanted to ask her to pass the salt and pepper, but instead out loud i said YOU RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!!"


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what do you call a priest sleep walking in the vatican?

a: a roaming catholic

(i know, that one is a groaner... i got it from readers digest)


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So a newfy's walking down the beach and he sees this dude in a speedo and there's this gaggle of girls crowding around him. So he walks up to the guy in the speedo and asks:

"Hey there I couldn't help but notice all these beautiful women flocking around you, what's your secret?"

the guy leans in close: "Well I'll tell you, all it takes is sticking a potato down your speedo, and you'll find the women will be drawn to you like a frickin' MAGNET!"

Excited, the Newfy aquires a potato that night and returns to the beach the next day in a new speedo, with the potato carefully inserted.

Strangely, women seem to almost run away from him, sometimes giggling, sometimes making exclamations.

He sees the speedo guy down the beach, surrounded again with a bevy of sultry beauties. So the Newfy comes up to him and says:

"Hey man! I don't know what I did wrong I tried the potato and everything and not one woman here is giving me the time of day!"

"Aww man... you fucked it up! The potato is supposed to go down the front of your speedo, not the back!!"


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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


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A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says "Honey, this is the cow that I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise that I was talking to the sheep."


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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. "Who the hell are
you?", demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom ?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned. "You mean I'm dead?!? That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family! You've got
to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there's a catch:
we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, and he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought, until he felt a strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,

"So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad", replied Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating", explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before!"

"Never" replied Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds, an egg popped
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him.

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!"


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eddie wanted to have sex. badly. one day, eddie was so desperate he walked up to a girl and said "I will give you $100 if you have sex with me", disgusted, the woman said "no", eddie, grasping at straws said "if I throw the money on the ground, you pull down your pants and bend over to pick it up, I will be finished by the time you are done picking it up, It will be quick" The woman thinks about it and says "Let me ask my boyfriend", she calls her boyfriend and tells him, he says "ask for $200 instead of $100, pick up the money really fast, you will pick it up before he even has his pants down" she agreed and accepts his proposal, her boyfriend waits 30 minutes, and is still waiting for her call. Finally, after 45 minutes, he gets a call from her, he asks "what the fuck happened?" still breathing hard, she manages to reply "that bastard had all coins"

Isaac Hunt

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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded....


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Condom says to Tampax: you put me out of business for 1 week a month!!
Tampax says to Condom: If you don't do your job right I lose mine for 9 months!!!


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Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.

Dave says "Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"

"No probs" says Tom.

Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.

"Hello girls, your Dad sent me to shag you two."

"Fuck off you liar!" they said.

"I'll prove it." said Tom and he shouts downstairs
"Both of them Dave?"

"Of course! What's the point of fuckin one?!"

Bernnie Federko

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