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The Joke Thread

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erika

TRIBE Member
The average man's erect penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
 
E

erika

TRIBE Member
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa;
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe;
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain;
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece;
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain;
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel;
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada;
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet;
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages,
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END.
 
JamesM

JamesM

TRIBE Member
erika said:
The average man's erect penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Click to expand...

wow. I actually was looking at my thumb.

wow. but not in a like ha ha ha way. but a curious one.
 
J

JoshuaReid

TRIBE Member
A tampon is walking down the street when he notices another tampon walking down the opposite side of the street. Which tampon crosses the street first to say hello?















Neither, they are both stuck up cunts.
 
ndrwrld

ndrwrld

TRIBE Member
Why don't Hamilton malls have parking spaces for expecting mothers?


Because 15 year old girls can't drive.
 
T

Tahoe

TRIBE Member
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything-under one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for
his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
 
E

erika

TRIBE Member
This is the remote you really want

image00211_2.jpg
 
J

JEMZ

TRIBE Member
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stephen Hawking after a house fire
 
D

diablo

TRIBE Member
Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says "I'm busting for a shit but haven't got anything to wipe my arse!"

"Oh the Divilment of you" Murphy offers. "Well if you've got a fiver use tat!" Paddy goes off for five minutes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

Murphy says "'WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUS?!?" Paddy replies "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 pound coins, five 20'ps & two 50 pence pieces!?"
 
D

diablo

TRIBE Member
A man is sitting in a bar, depressed. A woman notices him and asks him why he looks so sad.

"My wife left me because she thinks I'm too kinky" he says.

"What a coincidence!" answers the woman. "My husband left me because he thought that I was too kinky. Maybe you should come back to my place...it seems we have something in common."

They go back to her house, and she tells him to have a seat on the sofa while she changes into something more comfortable. After about ten minutes, she comes out wearing high heels, PVC tights and a strap-on, and carrying a whip and nipple clamps, only to find the man putting on his shoes.

"What's going on?" she says. "I thought we were going to have some fun."

The man answers "Hey, I've already fucked your dog and shit in your purse...I'm going home."
 
kirstenmeows

kirstenmeows

TRIBE Member
An Irish lady of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?' 'Oh no, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm
sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
 
Z

Zorro

TRIBE Member
diablo said:
Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says "I'm busting for a shit but haven't got anything to wipe my arse!"

"Oh the Divilment of you" Murphy offers. "Well if you've got a fiver use tat!" Paddy goes off for five minutes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

Murphy says "'WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUS?!?" Paddy replies "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 pound coins, five 20'ps & two 50 pence pieces!?"
Click to expand...

LOL

Of course for some odd reason when reading this all I could hear was Minnie Driver telling me this joke. ;)

It could also be told as two Canadians. 3 loonies and a toonie.
 
E

Eclipze

TRIBE Member
The car park was full so I parked in a disabled spot the other day.

Traffic warden shouts ever "Oi, what's your disability?"

I say "Tourettes. Now f*ck off you c*nt."
 
Dirty Girl

Dirty Girl

TRIBE Member
Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived... I think I'll wear 'Gold' tonight!" Wife says "Why not wear 'Silver' and cum second for a change"
 
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