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The Case for Introducing Ring Tailed Lemurs to Toronto

Discussion in 'TRIBE Main Forum' started by nawberry, Aug 28, 2005.

  1. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    Everytime I look up at a Toronto tree, I wish that there was a ring tailed lemur looking back down at me.

    {Excerpt from the song ?Lemur Rock? from Nawberry?s (yet to be signed to a label) acoustic album Temperature Risin.}


    Lemurs are by far my favourite animal. Ring Tailed Lemurs are by far my favourite Lemur. And Toronto is my favourite city. So I bet you can see where I am going with this?

    Lemurs or ?Varecia variegata variegata? are a highly dexterous fifteen pound tree-dwelling package that sport that lovable and highly elusive combination of being both extremely cute and extremely vicious. And as primates go, even a retarded lemur beats a baboon, gorilla or orangutan in my books.

    Other than ruddy ducks, falcons and coyotes, the animals that currently call Toronto home are real yawners: squirrels are yesterday?s news, geese are complete jerks, chipmunks are typical 905ers, and delicious manatees are so shy you almost think that they are not even here. I believe that the time has come to stir the pot! The time has come to introduce ring tailed lemurs to Toronto!

    Logistically speaking it is quite a feasible initiative as even a single boatload of lemurs from Madagascar would be sufficient to do the trick, and large commercial vessels can be rented from Ft. Dauphine for relatively decent prices.

    History shows that foreign animals that have found themselves in new habitats can incorporate successfully, whether done deliberately or done by escapees from avaries, aquaria or zoos.

    For example, during his heyday drug kingpin (cocaine) Pablo Escobar brought African hippopotamuses to his 7,400 acre farm northwest of Bogota to be the crown jewels of his private zoo. Although Pablo (RIP) is no longer with us, his hippos are flourishing, have reproduced, and now live independently of humans in the large man made lake built by him. Come to think of it hippos would be good additions to Toronto but that is another thread.

    Another example- The Australian farmer (corn) who in 1859 introduced 24 wild rabbits to the countryside. There are now 300 million rabbits in Australia, and although some argue that the rabbit influx in Australia has reached ?calamitous proportions?, I deem it as a good example of what is possible.

    In view of the array of successes in exotic animal introductions projects, I was shocked by the amount of bureaucratic red tape that one faces when trying to introduce a foreign primate species to a city. I was also shocked at how easily one can be banned from City Hall and by how unhelpful and downright rude the people at Queen?s Park are.

    The politicians and scientists seem to be in cahoots in this area as David Suzuki wouldn?t return my calls, and the head zoologist at the Metro Toronto Zoo was of little help, calling me crazy, my ideas ill-conceived and entirely bereft of any scientific merit, and then giving me some garbled lecture about how in the absence of predators, parasites, pathogens, and competitors from their native habitat, species such as ring tailed lemurs introduced under favorable conditions will often overrun their new home and crowd out important native species, and some junk about how once established, exotics can rarely be eliminated. I eventually told him to ?talk to the hand!? and peed on his desk in defiance (which, as it turns out, is illegal).

    Zoologists be damned, I think that this is a situation in which the benefits far outweigh the harms!

    Sure there will be inevitable lemur attacks upon both small children and the elderly, but what is a universal health care system for?

    And sure lemurs carry a multiplicity of diseases, but so do the Rolling Stones, and I don?t recall anyone trying to prevent them from setting up shop in Toronto.

    And moreover, like with the Rolling Stones, an influx of lemurs throughout the city would certainly provide a much-needed boon to Toronto tourism in this post-SARS quagmire.

    For locals, with Boa?s impending closure we will all soon be looking for new sources of entertainment. And believe me, watching a lemur scrap or get it on is entertainment with a capital ?E?.

    I am well aware that to many introducing non-indigenous animals to a city without valid reason for doing so may be immoral, and in fact my lemur scheme probably is immoral, but experience has taught me that an adherence to morality is a one-way ticket to Nofunville, population: not me.

    Finally, I have no doubt that with a little gumption and some perseverance we could soon train Lemurs to perform essential Toronto outdoor activities/services like pick up litter, scalp Leaf tickets, sell crack, and (for the smarter ones) manage hot dog carts.

    So tribers.. I am calling upon you to write your city alderman, telephone your MPP, fax your MP or even bribe if necessary (Howard Moscoe I am looking in your direction). Demand Lemurs for Toronto.

    If we fail to act quickly it is only a matter of time until another city such as Halifax, Orillia or Regina beats us to it. Not on my clock!
  2. Bernnie Federko

    Bernnie Federko TRIBE Member

    Zebre Mussels & Purple Loosestrife should be dealt with first.
  3. Syntax Error

    Syntax Error Well-Known TRIBEr

    you have 5 minutes to take that back.
  4. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    With respect to zebra mussels, Ithe folowing thread of mine could prove useful for delaing with the problem:


    In regards to purple loosestrife I am not a marine biologist so I do not feel as if I am qualified to offer any opinions about handling the issue.
  5. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    Re: Re: The Case for Introducing Ring Tailed Lemurs to Toronto

    I meant to say squirels have been over burdened and could use another cute animal in Toronto to help ease their load.
  6. Syntax Error

    Syntax Error Well-Known TRIBEr

    carrry on then.
  7. Bernnie Federko

    Bernnie Federko TRIBE Member

    what has not eating shellfish ever gotten the jews?
  8. Bass-Invader

    Bass-Invader TRIBE Member

    squirrels riding ring tailed lemurs.
  9. seeker

    seeker TRIBE Member





  10. mike_ethan

    mike_ethan TRIBE Member

    Nawberry. I’m just not sure what to believe.

    Are you just another lemur-loving John-Q citizen like the rest of us? If you are, then I apologize and I implore you: Keep digging - you’re closer than you think.

    But what worries me is the timing of your post.

    My father is a CSIS agent and he often leaves his files unlocked here in the house. I was rooting through them one day looking for some G-143 genetically engineered pot and in between the file on Ben Mulroney and the one on the Devil's Lake water diversion project, I saw a file marked “Operation North Lemursâ€.

    Turns out that Toronto mayor David Miller fell in love with the ring-tailed lemur while posing for pictures at the Toronto Zoo during his 2003 election campaign.


    The meeting of Miller with these lemurs was no accident, but of course Miller himself doesn’t know that.

    Turns out all of Miller’s “advisers†are CSIS plants. He believes these “advisers†are true to him but in actuality they’re planted at his side to do their part in ushering in a new world order. Right after Miller won the election (which he didn’t, but Tory is a whole other file and we’ll save that for another post), the “advisers†began working on Miller to divert taxpayer funds to a seemingly legitimate charity. But of course this charity was actually a CSIS money-laundering operation which was set up to get funds for the purpose of genetically engineering giant ring-tailed lemurs out of a small lab at Lakehead University.

    Now what’s wrong with giant GMO ring-tailed lemurs you might ask? Well nothing – as long as it’s not funded by taxpayers, and the lemurs are controlled and used only for human amusement and movie special effects.

    But last month with ‘Operation North Lemurs’ near completion, Miller’s “advisers" had him giddy over the existence of giant ring-tailed lemurs. Of course his “advisers†had no problem in convincing him that this giant breed of lemurs should be released throughout the city to roam feral and unconditionally. Of course they’d need city council approval for such a grand undertaking, so the plan was brought up very shortly after at a secret late-night city council meeting. I found this photo in my dad’s files.


    The short notice given to city councilors was so severe and late that none of the truly elected city councilors showed up; only the CSIS-sponsored money-whore councilors showed up and they of course rammed the by-law through at the secret council meeting with the bare minimum of votes.

    So now, with Toronto city council approval, the secret release of these giant feral GMO ring-tailed lemurs is slated for sometime between September and October ’05. But my dad made a note in the margins here that he believes it will be October 9, (11-9), since he’s quite versed on the occult’s fascination with numerology.

    We can only imagine the reason why CSIS would want to release these giant ring-tailed lemurs across our city. We can only imagine because there is some jelly donut stain on this paragraph in my dad’s file and I can’t read it. “Smear-smear-smear-manufacture crisis-smear-smear-be prepared with the solution-smudgy smear-control population with fear-smear-smudge-smear-lemurs-smear-smear-officially install Her Majesty the Queen Celine Dion-smudge-smudgeâ€

    So what, we should all wonder, do the global elite have in store for us? Has the top of CSIS been covertly infiltrated by separatists bent on wreaking havoc on English Canada? Is it actually the U.S., but they’re making it look like separatists in order to cause civil unrest in Canada which they can then “intervene†and secure our water, oil, softwood lumber and Tim Hortons? Is this the new bio-terrorism? Have these lemurs been genetically engineered to cough SARS germs all over our city’s inhabitants just to get the Rolling Stones another one million dollar payday? Is this a UN-sponsored population control scheme like HIV or man-pri’s (capri pants for men)? Or are these lemurs just going to shit everywhere and make our city an unlivable mess? (like Mel Lastman did)

    So Nawberry, the big question burns…..

    Are you just your average ring-tailed lemur loving citizen like the rest of us?

    Or are you a cog in this dark and twisted machine of evil, doing your job to subtly condition us on ring-tailed lemurs running about the city? You coyly bring this lemur matter up and disguise it as banter and muse. But are you just conditioning us on your propaganda mission for this pending maniacal plan? Getting us to imagine what it’d be like to finally have lemurs running around and terrorizing our city?


    I find it very interesting and extremely coincidental that in their natural habitat ring-tailed lemur diets consist mainly of berries. They eat berries. In fact, the style in which lemurs eat berries it often appears like they are gnawing on them. They gnaw berries.

    So Nawberry, tell us, who are you really working for? Or should I call you Gnaw-berries?

    We all want to know.

  11. Kalemic

    Kalemic TRIBE Promoter

    Helllloooooooo best thread ever.
  12. stir-fry

    stir-fry TRIBE Member

  13. Dr. Grinch

    Dr. Grinch TRIBE Member

    I just had to be a part of the brilliance of this thread.
    Carry on.
  14. geminigirl

    geminigirl TRIBE Member

    That would be way too cool to have different wildlife here.
  15. geminigirl

    geminigirl TRIBE Member

    LOL @ mike ethan.:D
  16. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

  17. marcinm

    marcinm TRIBE Member

    This thread is fucking retarded.. how come it doesn't get any heat for being dumb/useless and when I put up a Sunshin Girl thread all I get is harassment/grief/and uninformed bullshit?
  18. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    The thread isn’t the one who is retarded Marcinm.

    But I appreciate your input and will take it into consideration in our on-going intitiave to better serve tribers.
  19. AshG

    AshG Member

    that's what those fucking things are!!

    whilst lliving in another country a while back i'd always see those things and wonder.... now i know!
  20. DINGER


    The squirrels are unhappy with this thread and are now offically taking a stand.


  21. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    Oh, now I get it, Marcinm is a squirrel.
  22. enjiro

    enjiro TRIBE Member

    Next week we'll get you up and tying your own shoes, marcinm

  23. deep

    deep TRIBE Member

    While nawberry et al are infinitely more entertaining - both they and marcin take the piss, one just does it high brow and the other uses the toronto sun and jesus
  24. Agent Smith

    Agent Smith TRIBE Member

    There is stupid funny, and stupid stupid.

    Marcin, I believe the latter best suits you.
  25. geminigirl

    geminigirl TRIBE Member

    I'm finding this thread pretty funny.

    I have nothin at all against you..but think you post ugly sunshine girls.

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