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The Breakup

Sassy

TRIBE Member
This is hilarious (or at least I thought so)

I got this off Struttin' With Smith's blog (thanks for the link AlyG)

First her apology and then his response follows. WARNING: may offend some, but surely amuse many others!


THE BREAK-UP

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I
am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would
ever want to wrong in any way.

There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try
other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a
stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve
it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us,
what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or
something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if
you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond
crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am
hoping that you didn't.

I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this
is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I
can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to
say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and
you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate
feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I
am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what
happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just
about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there
with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in
the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel
like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was
not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really
don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

BRAD'S RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k
him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care
less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world
revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly
Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to
consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling
blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn
collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T
chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's
seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint
of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the
men's room.

The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the
young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last
Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it
happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin
class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder
thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a
little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad
 
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peko

TRIBE Member
thanks for the big LOL.

She's sooooo transparent that she only wants her shades back. But, Brad's reply is GOLD.
 
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milos

TRIBE Member
Bridge and tunnel (often abbreviated B&T) is a derogatory term used by residents of Manhattan to refer to the large amount of people who commute into the borough from the nearby area, both for work and for the New York nightlife. The term is now often generalized and used in other regions of the US.
 

noodle

TRIBE Member
I thought this was going to be about that Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Aniston movie (which looks like it's going to SUCK!).

I'll probably see it anyways.
 
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Big League Chu

TRIBE Member
Sassy said:
Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

wow...lol
 

Thumpr

TRIBE Member
"Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a
little like watching sea lions mate"

oh sooo good!
 
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kuba

TRIBE Member
Thumpr said:
"Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a
little like watching sea lions mate"

oh sooo good!

you're going to store that in your mem bank, aren't you?
 

bushka

TRIBE Member
LoL

If you want to get back at someone, this is definitely the way to do it. Forwarding the email...how embarrassing for poor slutty Elizabeth!
 

IgStar

TRIBE Member
peko said:
thanks for the big LOL.

She's sooooo transparent that she only wants her shades back.

lol
no doubt eh! I just had to re read this again....

it would be just great if you could keep your eyes open for them


bitch plllleeease, kiss the shades goodbye. along with your dignity.
 
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