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tech-support for the ladies


TRIBE Member
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems to no avail.

What can I do?


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
Alex D. from TRIBE on Utility Room

Ditto Much

TRIBE Member
Dear Desperate:

It would appear that your expectations of Husband 1.0 are not as advertised. Boyfriend 5.0 was largely smoke and mirrors designed to confuse you into believing that it was legitimately doing what you thought it was doing. We have had many complaints from customers just as yourself with regards to what the actual features of Husband 1.0 are.

Husband 1.0 requires at least a full fridge to operate, they also work best in clean environments however are unable to clean themselves, a minimum of twice daily blowjobs are required to prevent further maintained. Additionally its best to understand that although Husband 1.0 ruins independently if other applications like wife 1.0 become over bloated due to the ease of there existence after husband 1.0 is installed Husband 1.0 will obviously perform slower.

Boyfriend 5.0 and Husband 1.0 both have the same routines for jewelry and gifts, however it must also be noted that the input to these applications is also unchanged. We have looked at your copy of Husband 1.0's log file and your previously installed version of Boyfriend 5.0 and we are concerned that you are no longer providing the input necessary for its correct operation, just because it is stable doesn't mean that its maintained can be ignored.

Husband 1.0 comes with a lifetime subscription to "Grin and bear it bitch" and "Daddy drinks because you cry" newsletters. We have added your name to these helpful publications and hopefully you will be able to find more help online in our "Lose 20 pounds and he won't look at other woman" news group.

Although Husband 1.0 has been fully tested and certified its important to note that wife 1.0 has never managed to pass a single QC of any kind and is being phased out of its production run in favor of "Hot Secretary 0.9" which is still in beta. We will be notifying all Husband 1.0's from remote when the final release is made available. If you would like to apply the following patches

Aerobics 1.0
Cooking 9.6
Cleaning 5.0
Sexual Positions 1.2.6b
Silent Car Rides 1.0
Nobody cares about your friends 1.0

Wife 1.0 might be able to operate in a similar manner to Hot Secretary 0.9.

Husband 5.0 comes with a full manual and all necessary resources, we suggest you read and learn it before contacting us again.
Tech Support
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TRIBE Member
This is one of those stupid ol office emails I saw like 30 years ago.

I think Ditto's making his up but there really is a Wife 1.0 response email.



TRIBE Member
Ditto's response rocks! I would, however, love to see the official response e-mail.

*sits and waits for official response e-mail*

*F5, F5, F5, F5, F5*

Ditto Much

TRIBE Member
Yeah I wrote my own reply like the creative bastard I am, I still think its better than the real one....

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features.

For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes.

Also, the new program has spawned a couple of unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources.

I was considering going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there does not seem to be a "revert to previous state" feature.

Can you help me?

Registered User #10-1-13-5-19

Response to User #10-1-13-5-19, Incident #99-02-14-01

We receive many inquiries to this perceived problem. However it is almost always the result of a common error.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program.

This is a serious misconception.

Although Wife 1.0 includes many Utilities and Entertainment functions, Wife 1.0 is actually an entire Operating System. It has been designed run everything.

Warning! Do not try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Many have tried "workarounds". These only complicate the situation.

For example, some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist.

Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters.

I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time.

To free up CPU time and improve performance be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines.

Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features.

New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration.

Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential, particularly when used with supplementary applications. For example, killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0.

There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

End of response
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