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Send in the Existentialists

Discussion in 'Politics (deprecated)' started by Pyrovitae, Mar 20, 2003.

  1. Pyrovitae

    Pyrovitae TRIBE Member

    The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy.

    Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

    Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."

    Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's
    nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn
    the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmen's endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.

    Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also
    contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.

    This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Taliban's fighting spirit. Pentagon sources have recently confirmed rumours that America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the Taliban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers while saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. Follow me or die."

    Vive le resistance.
  2. Kalemic

    Kalemic TRIBE Promoter

  3. seeker

    seeker TRIBE Member

    Today is full of belly-laughs, oddly enough. Thanks. I needed that.
  4. Ditto Much

    Ditto Much TRIBE Member

    le heure vert
  5. Lysistrata

    Lysistrata Well-Known TRIBEr

    Funniest War Post Evar!
  6. synistre

    synistre TRIBE Member

    Mc 900 ft JESUS lives!

  7. air-bag

    air-bag TRIBE Member

    Among the ranks of Black Berets, Søren Kierkegaard has long been a valued member. However what the Black Berets have failed to realize is that Kierkegaard has long since been bribed by the enemy to undermine Black Berets' tactics. He has turned their own weapons against them in order to prove that God exists.
  8. Ditto Much

    Ditto Much TRIBE Member

    Axis of Evil Wannabes, by John Cleese

    Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

    International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

    Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up... Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

    Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick."

    "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
  9. why not

    why not TRIBE Member


    thanks, i needed that.
  10. air-bag

    air-bag TRIBE Member

    Canada formed Axis of evil drum'n'bass to abstract itself from all worldly issues while providing the impression that they are still fiercly involved.
  11. xtollo

    xtollo TRIBE Member

    Personally I'd rather see Nietzsche on the front lines with a fucking turret gun screaming "Eat my will to power bitches".
  12. air-bag

    air-bag TRIBE Member

  13. kodos

    kodos TRIBE Member

  14. zoo

    zoo TRIBE Member


    the french existentialists were funny, but john cleese IS THE KING
  15. Chubbs

    Chubbs TRIBE Member


    roofles all round
  16. air-bag

    air-bag TRIBE Member

  17. The Tesseract

    The Tesseract TRIBE Member


    The breaking down any concept of hope, belief and faith by reason is so hot.
  18. PosTMOd

    PosTMOd Well-Known TRIBEr

    I'm reminded somehow of Jonathan Swift's whatever the fuck it was called... Battle in the Library or some shit...
  19. squirrely

    squirrely TRIBE Member

    john cleese needs to start posting on tribe. that was fucking hilarious.
  20. kurtz

    kurtz TRIBE Member

    Try not to confuse Nietzsche's will to power w/ CNN journalism


    -Wolf(gang) Blitz(krieg)er
  21. Liquidity

    Liquidity TRIBE Member


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