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seinfeld quote thread


Well-Known TRIBEr
SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?

KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.

KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?


TRIBE Member
Puddy classics:
"Support the team" and "feels like an Arby's night"

Kramer " look away, I',m hideous"

"You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would've said you're crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.

Too many good lines. Absolutely the best show I have ever watched by far. It is hilarious, yet it really does relate to real life.
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Well-Known TRIBEr
You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And
if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!


TRIBE Member
Mrs. Costanza: Hey you're not Chinese! I thought I was getting advice from a Chinese lady... That's it I want a Divorce!

Mr. Costanza:You Want A Divorce?


Buddy Holly

TRIBE Member
While sitting in the hospital with his mother after she put her back out walking in on George masterbating. And those girls having the sponge bath beside him.....

"George get me a ham sandwich!"

"Here....have some tic tacs!"

"Georgie......IM HUNGRY!"

"Hoooold on maaaa!!!!"
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Well-Known TRIBEr
The Move

Jerry: All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure,
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.
Jerry: It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like
this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a
*conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---
George: You're gonna tell me...or not.
Jerry: All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a
George: I got a headboard.
Jerry: Is it padded?
George: No.
Jerry: Good. How tall is she?
George: Five-foot four. Why?
Jerry: You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights.
Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.
George: I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.
Jerry: George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again.
[Back at Jerry's apartment: Jerry and George have just walked in, still
conversing on the same subject]
Jerry: Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the
swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great
capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.
George: Is it a clockwise swirl?
Jerry: I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.
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jared k

TRIBE Member
"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, "*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual."

- George


TRIBE Promoter
Elaine enters.
Elaine: What happened? It looks the same.
Jerry: He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught.
Elaine: Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.
Jerry: Take the K-man.
Elaine: (slight pause) You can still go.
Kramer: What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque.
Elaine: You think?
Kramer: Do I think? He's repugnant.
Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. It doesn't work.
Elaine: What would you wear?
Kramer: Whatever it takes.
- Kramer, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Barber"


"Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate."
"Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. He's uh, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut."
Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and Kramer falls off.
"Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks?"
- Elaine and Kramer, in "The Barber"


"You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. Only thing is I have to get fired from the Yankees first."
"You can do that."
"Of course, but I really want to leave my mark this time. You know, I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, 'Wow, now that guy got canned.'"
"So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence."
"Yeah, remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft syrup machine?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Millennium"


"I never thought I'd fail at failing."
"Oh come on now."
"I can't do anything wrong."
"Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
"You really think so?"
"Absolutely! I have no confidence in you."
"Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
"That's the spirit! You suck!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Millennium"
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