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Saddam shame Fox didn't think of this sooner

Boss Hog

TRIBE Member
Saddam shame Fox didn't think of this sooner


WASHINGTON—The citizens of Iraq will choose their new leader from a pool of top-tier celebrity candidates in a landmark new reality TV series set to debut on the Fox Network in the spring, U.S. President George W. Bush announced today.

Reconstruct This! pits 10 stars of stage, screen and the music industry against one another in a race for the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people in a six-episode run that will climax with a final viewer vote to determine Saddam Hussein's successor on June 30, the deadline set by the U.S.-appointed Governing Council for the establishment of a transitional government in the wartorn nation.

"This is a fabulous day for democracy and a fabulous day for television," enthused President Bush, speaking to reporters on the White House lawn prior to his annual Super Bowl burgers 'n' franks cookout.

"Not only do the long-suffering people of Iraq now possess a road map to a free and just society, they have the option of placing their fate in the hands of some of the finest entertainers the world has ever known. I know I'll be watching with great interest. And I'm not even eligible to vote!"

Bush, clad in a white chef's hat and a "Kiss the Cook" apron, conceded that it will likely be impossible to reconcile religious and regional differences within Iraq over how democratic elections should be conducted in time to meet the self-imposed deadline set last November. The U.S. administration in Iraq has therefore partnered with Fox Broadcasting and several corporate sponsors, including the Best Buy chain, AT&T Wireless and America Online, to provide the country with a "stepping stone" to full, democratic self-rule.

The United Nations, which agreed on Tuesday to send a negotiating team to Iraq to break the stalemate over establishing a new government, has been invited to provide observers on "election day" to ensure that the final vote — to be conducted via phone, Internet and text-message polling — goes smoothly.

"The global community has made it clear that it wants to play a role in the U.S.-led rebuilding of Iraq, and we have answered that request with a resounding `Yes,'" said Bush.

On hand for the announcement were the 10 celebrity contestants vying for the Iraqi leadership whom Bush described as "ambassadors of peace and vision."

They are: Actress, talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell; minor-league basketball star and sexual-potency pill pitchman Dennis Rodman; action hero Steven Seagal; Mexican-American comedian and star of The Whoopee Boys Paul Rodriguez; former Joe Millionaire hunk, sloppy-joe enthusiast and host of the Game Show Network's Fake-A-Date Evan Marriott; prop comic Carrot Top; rapper KRS-One; fitness advocate and "Juiceman" Jack LaLanne; Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus author John Gray; and Shakira.

The candidates — chosen, according to Bush, because of their "willingness and availability" — will tour Iraq in a brightly painted, armoured bus convoy dubbed the Peace Patrol, meeting, greeting and occasionally exchanging gunfire with the citizens they eventually hope to rule. Producers hope to catch a number of amusing "fish out of water" situations during the crew's travels while also tracing the behind-the-scenes relationships that develop amongst the participants, their bodyguards, their interpreters and the many locals whose customs and beliefs are held up to bewilderment and ridicule along the way.

The contestants provided few specifics on their plans for a new Iraq, although most were able to locate the country on a globe.

O'Donnell pledged "a good hug and a sympathetic ear" for every Iraqi she encounters, while LaLanne suggested the nation's woes could be solved by replacing its antiquated juicers and getting "a bit more zing" out of their fresh fruits and vegetables." Seagal expressed confidence that his background in martial arts would earn him the young Iraqi male vote and ventured the women of Iraq would soon be "begging for a dictator with my smouldering good looks and detached, Buddhist demeanour." KRS-One offered vague platitudes about "learning through hip hop" and "expanding my reach" before storming off, muttering something about America not being "ready for my comeback."

Others were less forthcoming with their intentions. Marriott repeatedly asked when the girls were arriving. Carrot Top merely placed the globe on his head and screamed "Look! I'm Iraq!" A disoriented, tiara-wearing Rodman, meanwhile, was witnessed frantically dialling his agent and professing "There's been some kind of mistake."

Bush, for his part, addressed reporters' concerns that the "democratic process" espoused by Reconstruct This! was a sham and an insult to the people it purported to represent — particularly since many poorer Iraqis don't have access to the Fox Network, let alone the TVs, computers and cellular phones required to vote.

"It is the responsibility of the Iraqi citizenry to acquaint itself with these great candidates and the mechanism of democracy," he said. "It is not our place to intervene in the affairs of another nation. Our sponsorship partners will, however, be making TVs, phones and PCs available to this proud people at reasonable rates on a lease-to-own basis. I urge them to embrace the future and take advantage of these one-time-only deals while they can."


Apologies to anyone who might have mistaken the preceding for fact. It isn't. The point might be, however, that such a scenario is a little too believable.

Alex D. from TRIBE on Utility Room