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Rumsfeld finds stuff happens

docta seuss

TRIBE Member
Toronto Star

If it's true that the much-maligned U.S. defence secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, has often offered his resignation to President George W. Bush, why has it not been accepted?

The general consensus has been that Bush is loyal to a fault to his cabinet members, and that accepting Rumsfeld's resignation would be an admission that the Iraq war has been hopelessly mismanaged from the very beginning.

But in fact, according to White House and defence department insiders, that's not the case at all.

The offers of resignation have never been accepted by the President because Rumsfeld has drafted his letters so hastily that they lack a coherent sentence structure, has repeatedly ignored his own staff's recommendations on how to draft the letters, and, on more than one occasion, insisted on printing them out even when warned by frontline office staff that the printer cartridge was nearly dry.

"It's his way or the highway," said a secretary (an actual secretary) who works in Rumsfeld's office and insisted on anonymity. She cites the printer cartridge incident as perhaps the most defining moment of Rumsfeld's failed attempts to get an acceptable resignation letter to the White House.

"He'd written the letter, and was ready to hit the print button," said the secretary, "and he was told, look, the printer's not ready. The copies have been faint all day, and no one's had a chance yet to get over to Staples to buy a replacement."

Rumsfeld reportedly became enraged. He said sometimes you just have to go with the cartridge you've got.

"It's ready if I say it's ready," Rumsfeld said, and hit the print button. The letter that came out of the printer was barely legible, and had little wiggly red lines through part of it.

Rumsfeld's office staff wanted to advise him not to send the letter, feeling that once it got to the Oval Office, it would be impossible to decipher, but kept their opinions to themselves out of fear. As they predicted, the President sent it back, with a handwritten comment across the top that read, "Rummy: Say what?"

Once Rumsfeld's office had a new printer cartridge, he decided to try again, but this time he was having second thoughts about the font. He'd used Courier New in his first letter, but now had deemed it "too wimpy."

After printing a new letter in a variety of fonts, he finally settled on the "more aggressive" Franklin Gothic Heavy. But the characters were much thicker, and this, factored in with all the trial runs with different fonts, ended up emptying yet another cartridge. Office staff had previously suggested to Rumsfeld that they stockpile cartridges, have a few extra on hand should events take a turn toward the unexpected, but the recommendations had fallen on deaf ears.

Once a new cartridge had been obtained, and Rumsfeld's resignation letter in his preferred font was printed out and sent to the President, there was a further setback. The courier assigned to take the letter from the Pentagon to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. reported back that the envelope was of such inferior stock that it did not withstand a brief hailstorm en route.

The defence secretary was enraged. He had expected the letter to be "welcomed as literary," to paraphrase the vice- president, although sources say it still contained a number of curious words, including "grrrr" and "pfui."

A former Pentagon office staffer, Lydia Dittwhiler, whose responsibilities included water cooler maintenance and restocking the whiteout (one of the few things Rumsfeld allows to be purchased in bulk), said on Meet The Press recently it's time Rumsfeld stepped aside and let someone else write his resignation letter for him.

"I feel free to say this, now that I'm retired," Dittwhiler said. "But I'm not optimistic. He sees the letter mishaps, shrugs and says `stuff happens' when you're attempting a successful resignation."


TRIBE Member
Wtf is this? printed in the TS, only as joke i hope. i cant find another major news source carring the story.


TRIBE Member
This could have been so much better--imagine the Onion staff tackling this...which I'm sure they've done a hundred different ways.
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TRIBE Member
60 000 000 000 military budget, and they have to run to staples to replace printer catridges!!!!! too funny. don't know how much of it is true, but the shoe seems to fit. rumsfield doesn't seem to be very articulate when speaking, why should his writting be different.


TRIBE Member
I actually thought it was pretty funny..:)

The rumsfeldmeister, RUMMY, da RUMSTER

makin some copies!

Ditto Much

TRIBE Member
Rummy let me give you a suggestion...

"George, I quit."

Hell if you'd like I personally stop by and you can sign it and I will hand deliver it.
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Ditto Much

TRIBE Member
Rumsfeld resignation calls grow
Pressure is growing on US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, with more retired generals calling for him to resign over the Iraq war.

The White House has said it is happy with the way Mr Rumsfeld is handling his job and the situation in Iraq.

But the backing comes as the number of retired generals calling for him to be replaced has risen to six.

It is being described as a rebellion led by those who know Mr Rumsfeld's handling of the war from the inside.

The two most recent generals to voice their unease about Mr Rumsfeld's handling of the war are retired army Maj Gen John Riggs and retired Maj Gen Charles H Swannack Jr.

In a radio interview Maj Gen Riggs, a former division commander, said it was time for Mr Rumsfeld to go because he fostered an atmosphere of "arrogance" among the Pentagon's top civilian leadership.

"They only need the military advice when it satisfies their agenda. I think that's a mistake, and that's why I think he should resign," he told National Public Radio (NPR).

Maj Gen Swannack Jr, who led the 82nd Airborne Division in Iraq, went even further.

He questioned whether Mr Rumsfeld was the right person to lead the fight against terrorism.

"I really believe that we need a new secretary of defence because Secretary Rumsfeld carried way too much baggage with him," he told CNN.

"Specifically, I feel he has micromanaged the generals who are leading our forces."

Maj Gen Riggs, who has been critically outspoken on problems facing the US military before, served in the army for 39 years and became a three-star general.

He was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross for his actions as a helicopter pilot during Vietnam, but retired with the loss of one of his stars after the army said he had misused contractors, according to the NPR website.

Maj Gen Swannack Jr commanded the 82nd Airborne Division in Iraq from 2003-4.

The fresh resignation calls add to those already made by four other retired generals directly involved in the Iraq war and its planning.

Retired Marine Gen Anthony Zinni told CNN Mr Rumsfeld should be held responsible for a series of mistakes, beginning with "throwing away 10 years worth of planning, plans that had taken into account what we would face in an occupation of Iraq".

'Fine job'

But others have come out in support of the embattled defence secretary, who twice offered to resign over the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal - offers which US President George W Bush rejected.

Retired Marine Lt Gen Mike DeLong, who was deputy command of the Central Command as the US military prepared to invade Iraq in March 2003, said Mr Rumsfeld was good at his job.

"When you walk in to him, you've got to be prepared," he told CNN.

"You've got to know what you're talking about. If you don't, you're summarily dismissed. But that's the way it is, and he's effective."

And the White House has made clear once again that Mr Rumsfeld retains its full support.

Spokesman Scott McClellan said President George W Bush believed Mr Rumsfeld was doing a "fine job" at a very difficult time - when the nation was at war and the military undergoing major restructuring.

Mr Rumsfeld, when asked if the calls for his resignation were affecting his ability to do the job, answered only "no".

And Gen Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said criticism was to be expected at a time of war in both Iraq and Afghanistan.

But he said people "should never question the dedication, the patriotism and the work ethic" of Mr Rumsfeld.
Story from BBC NEWS:

Maj Gen Charles H Swannack Jr
Maj Gen John Riggs
Maj Gen John Batiste
Marine Gen Anthony Zinni
Marine Lt Gen Gregory Newbold
Maj Gen Paul Eaton

For god sakes people let the man quit his fucking job. He isn't good at it he'd make a great fall guy and nobody really likes the fucker.