RELATIONSHIP SITUATION!! Advice......

[Buddy Holly]

Okay....Here it is. I've been dating seriously this girl for the past FIVE years. We got engaged last december and were to be wed this summer. After watching marriage preparation videos, she tells me that she has something she needs to tell me before anything moves forward and we get married. She tells me she had unprotected sex with a guy last month when she went out and got drunk. This is the most heaviest thing I've had to deal with. I feel so sick to my stomach. Im having a hard time talking to her. I love her but at the same time fell completley fucked over and cheated. I have been loyal to her for the past five years. But this incident is VERY out of character for her to do. Im losing my mind here. Does anyone have any thoughts to the matter???

 

[Colm]

wow guy, thats serious. If you are spiritual, pray about it because I find that it helps out tremendously in any situation. You really need to talk it over with her... its really not cool at all.
Just dont get all crazy and think that revenge is the way to go about this, be prepared for some rough times - in end though, no matter the conclusion you'll be a stronger person.
Best of luck, GB.

 

[Guest]

dude that sucks.

I personally wouldn't take that shit. If someone I was seeing did that, I'd probably tell them to take a hike, and never speak to them again. Then again I might also just stop taking them seriously and start seeing other people at the same time.

regardless of what I would do, the fact is that people make mistakes, and she did tell you about rather than just keep it a secret, so that says something. She obviously feels guilty over it.

If you still love her and she still loves you, then I think you should forgive her and move on. Just let her know that if it happens again you won't be so forgiving.

 

[deep]

I'm not sure you're going to get the advice you want here. Being that the majority of people here are in that stage of their life where they haven't yet had a monogamous relationship for as long as you have, nor have they thought seriously about committing themselves to one person for the rest of their lives. That being said I'm not sure if they will be able to come at it from the same perspective that you've got. For most people at this stage the relationships they develop never progress to a serious enough stage of emotional intimacy such that infidelity wouldn't be an automatic dismissal.

If anything I feel for ya, I can't even begin to fathom the feelings of betrayal that you must have going on right now. Some people might chalk up what happened that night to be an extension of the "last chance" mentality that guys exhibit at their bachelor party. I'm not sure if that's something that I could forgive myself, but again I'm not at the same stage in life that you are.

I know right now the shock of the revelation means that the wounds are still too fresh to have a dialogue about this, but maybe it might be worth knowing what her reasons are for what happened. If it sounds like it could be a foreshadowing of things to come, growing doubts between you guys, or if such a mistake could be something you both could work through because of what future you may both share together.

There are actually lots of books on this subject, what to do when your partner has cheated on you, maybe they would help offer the guidance that you're looking for.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Keep your head up, and don't blame yourself. People are stupid, intrinsically flawed, we never think through the full extent of our actions and words, and in times like this it becomes very easy to fault yourself for what happened. I know it's hard not to want to try and find reason for what happened, since no one would want to put themselves in a situation where it happened again, but sometimes things happen for no reason. Internalizing this is easier said than done , I more than anyone have a hard time with it.

 

[Buddy Holly]

Yeah, I know revenge is not the thing for me. I just can't believe it happened. I keep thinking it was a dream. I feel like Ive lost everything Ive built up in the last five years. I sucks. I feel like ive lost all trust and respect for her, but at the same time still feel love for her. Talk about not sleeping the last 10 days. When I do try and talk to her I get all pissed off and start saying shit that I really don't mean, but due to the high level of frustration and anger, I say them. I have every right to be mad. I know time will heal all but fuck, $1000's of dollars have been wasted. I cancelled the wedding to see If I can deal with this thing. I just walk around aimlessly at work. I know it shows. I was in Toronto last weekend and I've never heard anyone talk to people passing by. its just a rule when i a big city. But I was soooooooo fucking pissed off at that time people that were passing me were saying things like "Cheer up buddy!" "Smile often?"....That struck me as Wow... I must be really fucking mad!!!

 

[Booty Bits]

if its really so out of character for her, then maybe its worth finding out why it happened.

when you say she was really drunk, was she so drunk that she didn't really have enough wits about her to be making a concious decision?

theres always the possibility that she just got herself into a really crummy situation and is now beating herself up over it...

its not like she tried to hide it from you, so it doesnt seem like she would be going around cheating on you behind your back...

i admit that i have a much more relaxed attitude on this subject than most (almost all) of the people on this message board,
but i think that if you have spent 5 years in a relationship with her, you should be able to deal with this without just walking away.

try putting yourself in her shoes.

 

[madnezz]

wow, I can't even imagine what you must be going through. Just reading this thread makes me almost ill! I don't think I can even offer you any advice, all I can say is if that happened to me, I would NEVER be able to look at that person the same way. EVER.

adios
Laura

 

[Buddy Holly]

Asking "WHY" was the first thing that pooped out of my mouth. It happened with the person who first introduced us togther five years ago. That was a double wammy. And to comment on "How drunk she was"...She was drunk but after the hotel bar closed she asked him if there was a mini bar in his hotel room..(this person was on buisness for the weekend)...So she put herself in this situation. I asked her if she was wearing the engagement ring while this happened....boy am I pissed off. The reason why this happened she was feeling down in the dumps. Well Thats why Im here. Even though we do not live in the same city this year does not give her the right to use someone else's shoulder (to say the least) to cry on. What's the point of being in a relationship if there is no trust and companionship.?

 

[beaker]

Originally posted by madnezz
I would NEVER be able to look at that person the same way. EVER.

instinctually, i would have to agree with this. even if you do get over it for now, this is something that could easily resurface during tough times in a year, or even 20 years from now. but i've never been in a relationship for that long. so maybe you two can work it out.

 

[deep]

You're right, being in the dumps isn't justification to betray someone else's trust, especially someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Why didn't she come to you about the feelings she was having? Was how she was feeling because of the way things were between you guys? If not, it's a pretty pathetic excuse.

 

[Mr_Furious]

theres no right or wrong answer for this.

You have to make a decision using your head, not your heart

Don't let feelings and emotions cloud your better judgement

 

[PosTMOd]

I would suggest seeing a counsellor... both of you.

And not some wacked out religious dumbass like a priest (never did understand why people ask morons questions).

 

[Buddy Holly]

The reasons for her feeling down were not caused by our relationship nor were they caused by myself. She is dealing with something from the past not related to me. I try and help her through it but am unsuccessful. So I backed away to let her figure it out. Ive though about walking away but feel like ive spent the later part of my life building something. Trust me, Ive went over my options over, and over again. This is ALL I can think about. I try spinning on the tables but my concentration is not there. Ive lost my appetite etc, etc,. If you were going to make a mistake, this is the KING KONG MOTHERFUCKER of mistakes. I told her "I forgive you" right after she told me because she was crying and stuff. Of course I forgive her, Its the "Can I deal with this and move on with the relationship?" Is it going to be everytime we have sex, is the thought "He was here too!" going to be going through my mind?......I just can't believe it. (Thanks everyone, Im just venting my frustration!!.......aaaaahhhhhhhhhh

 

[deep]

That is a royal fuckup. Sounds like she needs counselling to work through whatever it is she's feeling if your support wasn't enough. As for your own feelings, you have every right to be upset right now, I can't think of anyone who could take something like this in stride, so don't feel like you're being irrational for feeling the way you do.

 

[Booty Bits]

now i'm confused (surprise, surprise, since i dont know you)
are you saying that your fiance has been dealing with some unresolved personal issue from her past,
and because you have been unable to help her work through it, you have moved away to a different city for a year in order to give her space to work through it?

another question:
before you found out about the 'incident', were you totally, 100% completely sure that you two were perfect for one another?
did you trust her entirely?

 

[Silverback]

One of the unfortunate things is that answers will only come in time. It's not much, but in situations like these (that I can only imagine) I can always find a little hope/relief/comfort knowing that there is an end and I will get there in time whatever it may be, because there is no right or wrong and it will become a thought of the past. It all depends on how you feel, that will determine what you do, and that will only take time unfortunately.


<--- That's how it works for me.

 

[Guest]

This is an interesting situation you've got going on. I feel I can speak freely on the subject cuz I've been pretty much exactly where you are now. I was with my ex for almost 5 years, we were engaged and living together.

The difference between our situation and yours is that my ex told me about her desire to be with other guys before she did and she was faithful to me right up to the day we broke up.

If I could offer any advice based on my situation it would be this: Evaluate your whole relationship, top to bottom. You might need professional help for this part, like Timo said. We got a counsellor, who was quite helpful, but in our situation, even though we were best friends, we were just too young to be starting a commitment for life.

At the time, (2 years ago about now) the breakup was absolutely devastating to me. I can't tell you a worse mental place to be, but it sounds like you're going through similar emotions now.

I don't know how old you are, or obviously the intricacy of your relationship with your fiancee, and these pieces of the puzzle are very important to the outcome.

After you evaluate your feelings for her (ie. has your trust in her bounced back at all since she cheated? Could you see yourself standing at an alter and going through with marriage?) you should talk to her about them.

For Tara and I, now that time has passed, we're able to maintain a good friendship, where we talk on the phone and occasionally hang out. I was actually just talking to her about our recoveries last night as a matter of fact. We agreed that the first year was absolute hell, but its been much better since.

I personally wasn't able to handle socializing with anybody around me and I went to Europe alone just after the breakup to just travel and deal with my thoughts on my own for a few months.

With the benefit of hindsight, I am so so so happy that we didn't ignore the signs that we were doomed. When you marry somebody, you're giving yourself totally to that person. It has to be total trust and total respect. If you don't feel that way, and don't feel like you're headed that way, consider breaking it off. I know that I am extremely happy that we ended when we did. I see how, looking back, that we were not going to have lasted a lifetime together.

Hope that helps. Email me if you want to discuss anything in confidence.

~Josh

 

[Rosey]

wow man, that's hard. really hard.

some wise words have already been said in this thread, and it sounds like you're handling it in a fairly mature way.

buck up man, buck up.

 

[Buddy Holly]

Originally posted by Booty Bits
now i'm confused (surprise, surprise, since i dont know you)
are you saying that your fiance has been dealing with some unresolved personal issue from her past,
and because you have been unable to help her work through it, you have moved away to a different city for a year in order to give her space to work through it?

another question:
before you found out about the 'incident', were you totally, 100% completely sure that you two were perfect for one another?
did you trust her entirely?

The reason I moved away was to start working ( I became a teacher 3 years ago). I was always sure about the two of us being 100% for each other. I trusted her without a doubt. She would go out and guys would hit on her all the time and I knew how she felt about me so there was no need to be jealous. Ive nver been a jealous guy. Ive spent the last 5 years believing in someone 100%. And to have this done to me, kind of crushes everything.

 

[terrawrist III]

I really don't want to jump the gun here but...lose her....if manogamy is something that you take pride in than ditch her!

any girl who has sex with a guy while drunk is not a keeper...it may sound cliche, but if she loved you she would fight the urge to fuck someone else

 

[deep]

Originally posted by Buddy Holly


The reason I moved away was to start working ( I became a teacher 3 years ago). I was always sure about the two of us being 100% for each other. I trusted her without a doubt. She would go out and guys would hit on her all the time and I knew how she felt about me so there was no need to be jealous. Ive nver been a jealous guy. Ive spent the last 5 years believing in someone 100%. And to have this done to me, kind of crushes everything.

That's rough man.

What has the other party had to say about it?

 

[AshG]

I'm so, so sorry for you. I don't know what to say.
That's a tremendous setback and I sympathise with you 100%.

I hate to say it but if the relationship was as you described, built of 100% trust and a faithful devotion to be only with each other, this incident is a very bad sign. I'm afraid I agree with Terrawrist; after 5 years with you and now engaged, how could she possibly forget that she was in a relationship with you?
She knew it and decided to do this thing despite that fact. Especially bad is the fact that she had an active role in initiating it.

Now I'm guessing here but you might also ask yourself why she's done this now, right before marriage. Could she be feeling a bit trapped? If she feels this way now, this doesn't bode well for married life.

God, I know it sounds ugly, but she really did this, it didn't just happen to her. She decided to do this, despite your relationship with her. Her judgement was impaired, but to think that she would rather sacrifice 5 years of history and your future together for that one night is.... shit I don't know what it is, but it doesn't say a lot about the priority your relationship has with her, deep down inside.

I can't really help you, but I feel for you. You must be hurting really deeply.
I'm sorry.

 

[Guest]

I am really sorry to hear this.
You have three options, forgive her but trust me it will bother you forever. I know from experience.
You go out drink like a bitch and fuck the first thing you see, revenage sometimes makes things ok in some people's minds.
Or go to counceling and deal with it.
One question do you wish she never told you. Because if it was a one time mistake I wouldn't want to know about it.
I don't know why people have to fuck another person up when they fuck up.

 

[mystique0217]

i am very sorry to hear this.
i would like to ask you the reasons behind your love for this girl.
doed this incidence lower the qualities that you can think of?

i am assuming that you guys were in a commited relationship (monogamous relationship).

despite of understanding for each other on the relationship that both of you shared, if a person can not act according to the belief that put you both in this relaitonship, we all know that there is something wrong about it right?

i personally think that for the commitment and royalty that you provide this girl, she is not returning the same respect that you deserve.

i also have a feeling that you do not take marriage as such a casual thing. everyone has a different view on this marriage issue. please ask yourself what you really want from a marriage in your opinion.. and please ask that if this girl would be able to give what you believe..or if she has the same belief system with you..

marriage is not a game that we all played as kids..

more serious you take the marriage, please remember what you and your future wife need to have for such a life time decision.

understanding and acceptance were something that were must for any two individuals to have a romantic relationship.

but for marriage, you also need to have royalty and commitment.

if you think that you can forgive her mistake and that would allow both of you to have much stronger bond ever before, i do not think there is anything wrong with that.

but personally, i do not think you deserve anyone who can not commit herself to only you.

if she has that much of inner qualities or beautiful things within her in which you have never found in anyone else, try to go and see the counselor and see if you can work things out.

if you have a doubt in your own feelings for her,
you may want to keep your standard...and move on.

good luck *hugs*

-Kumi

 

[Lambchops]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you

Being drunk is never an excuse for anything, least of all cheating on someone. Even though it could be a one time thing and even if it's out of character, it doesn't matter because the bottom line is that she betrayed you in the worst way. Everyone makes mistakes but it doesn't mean that all mistakes (like cheating!!!) should be forgiven or tolerated. It may sound a bit harsh but it's not like she was casually seeing you, you were engaged.

At least you found out before you got married, it probably would hurt a lot more to find out later.

I'm also sorry that you lost a lot of money but you would have spent a lot more going through with the marriage. Furthermore, trust is above monetary value and she lost that. You can make the money back but she'll have to live with the fact that she hurt for the rest of her life.

Keep your head up!