i hate my parents
at the same time i dont
cause hate implies that there are feelings in the relationship
to me they are just people i ave the misfortune of knowing and living with.
my mother is....tiring...
she draws out explinations, repeats things ad nauseum, etc, and this annoys me as i find the sound of her voice hurtful to my ears. i usually stop her train of thought with abrupt "i knows, i knows"
after a lifetime of this i really dont feel like wasting energy or sanity in hearing her speak, this results in any conversation, no matter how miniscule or a common every day phrase that is uttered spawns into an argument.
she forces her thoughts and words onto me even after having said that its unnecessary (i think i know how to cross the streets by now, or mop the floor, or perform any other no brainer task
she ghets annoyed with this since she doesnt like being shut up.
yet when ever i express my thoughts on certain subjects or in arguments i am told to shut up, to respect my elders, and if she's angry enough i get hit.
they bitch about how i spend all my time down here, alone, in the cold basement on the compter, and not upstairs with them.
theres really no way i could make "because i despise you and being near you makes me want to stab either you or myself" sound nice.
my fathers no better. we rarely talk or say anything to each other.
some days we can see each other for a couple hours, but not say anything to each other.
we just have nothing to say to each other.
usually when words are said though, its to remind me how uch a failure or dissapointment or bum or whatever i am.
applying to university was a joy this year.
they had absolutely no faith in me.
they woudl ask me, "what are you going to do when you dont get in?"
not "if" i dont get i, but "when"
when i got my letter of acceptance they were all hip-hop hooray.
i felt like spitting on them.
what i did i did on my own. they didnt help me at all. yet they brag about it as if it were one of their accomplishments.
they are so fake.
they always talk about moving back to el salvador (just them)
my mother asks if i will go visit them.
i usually turn my back and shrug my shoulders.
i woudl like nothing more than to be far away from them. they must be insane to think that i would spend the time, money, and sanity in going down to visit them.
i doubt i'd even call them. ever.
there's soo much more...but im not really comfortable talking about it publicly.
but they have done more harm to me than good.
its because opf them i have a warped misconception on what love is, even though i could argue i dont know what love is.
i'm pretty much an empty shell running on hate and anger and spite and other such negative emotions.
me and my sister agree they are horrible parents and they shouldnt have had kids. or at least taken some sort of psych-parenting course...
i dont plan on having children because i dont want to fuck anyone up like that.
i dont even want to get married.
i woudl like to have someone to love and be loved by, but what i've have been given to me my entire life that is called "love" makes me reluctant and fear it.
hmm...this isnt making much sense anymore...i cut out a lot, sorry.
they expect respect, but they cant even give it to me.
art i have created that is truly my own (meaning it was my concepts, my ideas, my choice, and not a class project given by someone else) are always put down by my mother.
she asks why i dont do some dumb shit that would be compromising my ability and my self.
i have something going to a gallery for a month, but i have yet to hear any praise for it, or the work, from them.
they hate it. a lot of my work is hidden from view in the dark corners of the basement, along with me.
to be forgotten.
im constantly bombarded by put downs, i need to get out.
past attempts to get out, either of my house or life have been unsuccesful.
im looking forward to september when ill finally be gone. i dont want to have any part of my life with them. i want to be able to breath, and hopefully heal.
mofo, find us an apt. downtown near school and i'll move in
til you get out i hope you survive your situation.