Perceptions of your fellow Tribers

[Cheer Bear]

Originally posted by mingster


I disagree.

DON'T EVER GIVE UP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH YOUR PARENTS!!!

It can take an entire lifetime to understand these people. It's important to start by understanding that they are people and however hard it might be, you can do it. You can relate. You don't have to try, and it might be difficult. But if it means something to you, work on it. Doing this can also help you to understand why it hurts you when they act certain ways.

I'm learning to get to know my parents. It's helping understand people, it will help me be a better person, and a better parent. I can't encourage it enough, Sunny.

Ming.

I totally agree.

It took my 6 years to start talking to my father again.

3-4 for my Mom.

We get along much better. If only they would speak to each other things would be perfect!

 

[Guest]

hmmm, I don't think I communicated what I was trying to say.

I wasn't suggesting that Sunny should give up on his father and stop the dialogue. Instead, I was suggesting that if after all this time, nothing good has come, there comes a point when you must focus your energy on something that produces something good. Otherwise a person will go crazy spinning his tires.

I personally think space between Sunny and his dad will improve the relationship. Hence the moving out comment. I know that my parents began to level with me once I went to university and began making a life for myself. It comes down to respect, and obviously Sunny isn't getting any in his present circumstance.

Maybe, after he moves out, a respectable relationship could begin.

 

[Cheer Bear]

Originally posted by Tearer
hmmm, I don't think I communicated what I was trying to say.

I wasn't suggesting that Sunny should give up on his father and stop the dialogue. Instead, I was suggesting that if after all this time, nothing good has come, there comes a point when you must focus your energy on something that produces something good. Otherwise a person will go crazy spinning his tires.

I personally think space between Sunny and his dad will improve the relationship. Hence the moving out comment. I know that my parents began to level with me once I went to university and began making a life for myself. It comes down to respect, and obviously Sunny isn't getting any in his present circumstance.

Maybe, after he moves out, a respectable relationship could begin.

I agree with this too.

I was gonna say maybe they both just need some space?

 

[Loopster]

Originally posted by Tearer

Maybe, after he moves out, a respectable relationship could begin.

So true. Once the old dependency ties are broken, you can begin to look at one another as adults & hopefully gain an appreciation for each other as individual PEOPLE rather than just an overbearing father & son who just can't wait to escape!! I went through the same thing as a teen - I thought my mother was from an entirely different planet - & it took me years to really understand the issues behind our past stormy relationship. I never really understood all those reasons for her hostility or why she reacted the way she did ... it took a long time to forgive her & respect her position ... & to see that she herself was the product of a whole lot of hardship & shit in her own right ...

It appears that you realize your dad has a whole lot of issues of his own that obviously are impacting his relationship with you.

Anyhow, once I had my freedom, my mother was like an entirely different person to me; had I stayed, we never could have overcome our differences. Not to say that tensions didn't still rise up or that we didn't (on ocassion) want to hurl things at one another (what are families for, after all?), but for the most part, my moving out was the best thing I could have done.

If I can offer any words of wisdom, I just want to say this much: your freedom is coming, whether sooner or later - when things get nuts, just try to hold on to this idea - the world will be your oyster soon enough!! The best thing you can do right now is to not let it destroy your positive outlook on everything else in life & just count down the time until you are truly free to live as you wish to live!

 

[Plato]

i hate my parents
at the same time i dont
cause hate implies that there are feelings in the relationship

to me they are just people i ave the misfortune of knowing and living with.

my mother is....tiring...
she draws out explinations, repeats things ad nauseum, etc, and this annoys me as i find the sound of her voice hurtful to my ears. i usually stop her train of thought with abrupt "i knows, i knows"

after a lifetime of this i really dont feel like wasting energy or sanity in hearing her speak, this results in any conversation, no matter how miniscule or a common every day phrase that is uttered spawns into an argument.

she forces her thoughts and words onto me even after having said that its unnecessary (i think i know how to cross the streets by now, or mop the floor, or perform any other no brainer task )
she ghets annoyed with this since she doesnt like being shut up.

yet when ever i express my thoughts on certain subjects or in arguments i am told to shut up, to respect my elders, and if she's angry enough i get hit.

even today.

they bitch about how i spend all my time down here, alone, in the cold basement on the compter, and not upstairs with them.

theres really no way i could make "because i despise you and being near you makes me want to stab either you or myself" sound nice.

my fathers no better. we rarely talk or say anything to each other.

some days we can see each other for a couple hours, but not say anything to each other.
we just have nothing to say to each other.
usually when words are said though, its to remind me how uch a failure or dissapointment or bum or whatever i am.

applying to university was a joy this year.
they had absolutely no faith in me.
they woudl ask me, "what are you going to do when you dont get in?"

not "if" i dont get i, but "when"

when i got my letter of acceptance they were all hip-hop hooray.
i felt like spitting on them.
what i did i did on my own. they didnt help me at all. yet they brag about it as if it were one of their accomplishments.

they are so fake.

they always talk about moving back to el salvador (just them)
my mother asks if i will go visit them.

i usually turn my back and shrug my shoulders.
i woudl like nothing more than to be far away from them. they must be insane to think that i would spend the time, money, and sanity in going down to visit them.

i doubt i'd even call them. ever.

there's soo much more...but im not really comfortable talking about it publicly.
but they have done more harm to me than good.
its because opf them i have a warped misconception on what love is, even though i could argue i dont know what love is.
i'm pretty much an empty shell running on hate and anger and spite and other such negative emotions.
me and my sister agree they are horrible parents and they shouldnt have had kids. or at least taken some sort of psych-parenting course...
i dont plan on having children because i dont want to fuck anyone up like that.
i dont even want to get married.
i woudl like to have someone to love and be loved by, but what i've have been given to me my entire life that is called "love" makes me reluctant and fear it.

hmm...this isnt making much sense anymore...i cut out a lot, sorry.

they expect respect, but they cant even give it to me.
art i have created that is truly my own (meaning it was my concepts, my ideas, my choice, and not a class project given by someone else) are always put down by my mother.
she asks why i dont do some dumb shit that would be compromising my ability and my self.

i have something going to a gallery for a month, but i have yet to hear any praise for it, or the work, from them.
they hate it. a lot of my work is hidden from view in the dark corners of the basement, along with me.
to be forgotten.

im constantly bombarded by put downs, i need to get out.
past attempts to get out, either of my house or life have been unsuccesful.
im looking forward to september when ill finally be gone. i dont want to have any part of my life with them. i want to be able to breath, and hopefully heal.

mofo, find us an apt. downtown near school and i'll move in
til you get out i hope you survive your situation.

im striving.

p[l]a+0

 

[stargurl*]

Oh honey *hug*

 

[FunK_DoCta]

Sunny, it fucking freaked me out when I read your post because that incident mirrors exactly the relationship that I have with my father...and I have been in the same situation with my father as well right down to the tax receipt! Fucking old skewl asian mentality! And it doesn't help that we are gay to boot! One way that I have learned to deal with the whole "nothing is ever good enough" is to flaunt your shit. Flaunt it to those closest to your Dad especially to those that you are compared to...you know what I mean it's the whole Asian "my kid is better than your kid" thing. I never understood why they (our parents) worry about what other people think or how they are viewed by others...meh.

And they wonder why I am so shallow! They made me that way!

But yeah that is how I have learned to deal with that one. I'm sure other Asian have similar tactics...mine might not be the healthiest one but take what you will. You see it's not your Dad that you are trying to please...it's HIS thirst for the acceptance and affirmations of others that you are dealing with. It's nothing really personal aimed at you.

I hope this all makes sense cause I did something I shouldn't have a few hours back and now I am a bit fucked up.

 

[zoo]

i once pulled something pretty bad on my parents

i think it was around grade 11 or 12

i was in the perpetual "trouble" state all kids seem to go through

and after being sick and tired of getting the blam for everything, i did something about it.

i simply chose not to speak / acknowledge my parents whatsoever
i lived with them, but i didn't say any words to them

anyway after three days of this, my mom was worried and crying, my dad was worried, and i felt guilty and truly sorry for them

i wish i could tell my parents i think the world of them

but it's hard

i don't want to give them any harm
i love my parents
but after 10 years of not really saying much to them because of my antisocialness ...

it's really, really hard to change

university helped me open up to people in general though
i'm so glad i went to residence
moved out of the house
and am now living on my own off campus

moving out is soooo great

i miss my parents
i'm so confused

i dunno if i'd rather live at home

i can't decide

life is confusing

bah.

--

on the upside, i have a cool watch.
it's a baby-g
i found the regular g-shocks were too big for my wrist and looked silly

seriously.

 

[MoFo]

Originally posted by FunK_DoCta

And they wonder why I am so shallow! They made me that way!

YOU'RE NOT SHALLOW, JoNnY bOy!

I remember talking to him the next night and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I was calm, collected and poised. I didn't yell once. I just really wanted to communicate whatever I had to say to him.

I tried telling him that it's okay for people to not get along. That it's not an insult to the family name because I wanted to break the ties of dependency. He just didn't get it. He kept thinking it was a "fuck you, I'm leaving" sort of thing. And I just kept repeating over and over, "you're not listening to me. I am TELING you that we don't have to get along. that I want our relationship to get better and to start that, I'm going to have to leave one day."

Then he retorts, "i don't fucking care. Do what you want."

For an old man, he's such a big baby.

 

[MoFo]

He also mentioned something quite strange. He told me that he was getting really frustrated about the tax receipt because he was getting someone else to do them and he was impatient about it, resulting in him taking it out on me.

Him: "I don't know how to do my taxes. I have to get other people to do them because my English isn't good. I just don't know...."

Me: "And you're frustrated about that and you take it out on me?"

Him: "I don't want anything to be screwed up. Me and your mother are immigrants. We don't know a lot of things."

Me: "[totally shocked] Dad, taxes are not that easy to do sometimes. Not everyone does their own taxes. It's OKAY to not know something. What does this have to do with being Chinese?"

I found out from my mom that my father feels totally inferior to others (whites) when he has to get other people to do things. Like when we were buying a new computer, they didn't know ANYTHING so it made them feel really stupid, like useless immigrants. There's some MAJOR ethnic insecurity issues going on here.

Me: "Dad, I don't know but you have some major insecurities to work out and you can't take that out on me. I am not something for you to yell at every time you have a bad day [he works 6 days a week for the last 20 years]. Dad, it's OKAY to not know things. I don't know how to do a lot of things. It's OKAY to ask your friends to do your taxes. That's what friends are for, to help. That's why I love my friends so much."

Him: "Your friends are shit. They're all fucking garbage. You can't trust anyone but your family."

Me: "Don't you dare call my friends 'garbage." How dare you! They're the only people who treat me with respect. Not like you do."

 

[el presidente Highsteppa]

Pest had me totally nailed.

From the Ministry of High-Idiot.

Prime Minister Post dork.

 

[kate]

Sunny I'm not going to read this whole thread all I want to say is that I think you're wonderful!

 

[Plato]

Originally posted by MoFo
Him: "Your friends are shit. They're all fucking garbage. You can't trust anyone but your family."

Me: "Don't you dare call my friends 'garbage." How dare you! They're the only people who treat me with respect. Not like you do."

heh, been there.

just wtf happened to our parents that they dont trust friends or anything!?

p[l]a+0

 

[skyparty]

what the hurt the most whenme and my mom got in this big fight and she called me a dumb barbie doll blonde. and when she "DUH my name is narissa" she said it really loud and accentuated the DUH part, and it made me feel really shitty...

then 2 days ago she called me flighty
i like that better.

i'm sorry im a little spacecadet sometimes mom
but i only get it from you.

we both used drugs in our day
and we both have holes in our brain

it's hereditary

i hope i marry a smart man


narissa

 

[Jeffsus]

One thing I admire about most out people is that they have learned how important it is to derive their strength/confidence from internal sources. This is why I find your story troublesome.

There are many reasons why your father might be saying the things he did. Understanding those reasons might make it easier to excuse his words; nonetheless, his words are wrong. The troublesome part is that you do not immediately see that his words are wrong, and you let his words hurt you. You don't need external justification, even from a parent.

I better not elaborate, I'm too drunk.

13461042

-jM
A&D

 

[MoFo]

^^^
I've definitely learned that external justification can only lead to disappointment or unhealthy paths to self-acceptance/ happiness.

The whole fight was a huge meolodrama in itself. I said things that I would never say in a normal day: the metaphors, the whimpering apologies... I think an inner child came out or something and decided it was going to express its "weakness," its inferiority.

I let him dominate me. And my mom told me that it left him crying for a while before he had to go to work. Came home at 2 am the next morning from his night shift and didn't sleep.

So it shows that he is aware of SOME of the things I've been trying to communicate to him for years.

But this thread was an excuse to post one of my website entries and to show that there's more to people than what we project during our weekly clubbing occurences. I'm discovering a lot about a lot of people on here and enjoying it immensely.

What really made me cry during the fight was when I was screaming at him for not knowing how happy I was. How amazing my life is right now and how he couldn't understand or want to understand how much love, friendship and art I am surrounded by at this moment in time.

 

[nusty]

This thought just poped into my mind.... maybe your dad is jealous?

Of what? you figure it out. maybe anything from your cd collection, to your mind, to the paths you've taken in life?

just a thought.

oh and after I moved out, things with my parents got great (well it sucked that I was away but when we were together any previous insignificant problems disappeared ). All the time we had together was spent as quality time and not just dealing with each other. I always loved them, but time together was suddenly more valuable when we had it.

 

[LivingRoomPornstar]

I posted this in the poetry thread awhile back...but it relates...and is for those who haven't read it so far...

She looked over his bruises, his cuts, his bumps, and smiled widely. Her blue eyes were tight in their corners, her dimples obvious, as she focused on one eye and then the other, and then back again. The tears were coming fast now, and he tried everything in his power to fight them off. His cheeks moist, his face flush, his lips began to part, only to have her fingertips bring them together again. She leaned forward, her weathered hands grasping his shoulders, and pulled him closer. Their cheeks touched gently, as she whispered in his ear. He began to weep, then harder, into a sob, and finally he began to wail. He raised his clenched fists to his eyes to quell this charade of weakness. He screamed so loud and hard it felt as though his chest had turned inside out, so loud, that she thought she could feel the bedroom windows shake.

She remembered back to a time when the air was sweet with fresh cut grass, and the lawn shavings charismatically danced on the warm air of a summer breeze. When the sunlight kissed her forehead as a grandmother would when she felt you “just plain needed it”. But what she remembered most was his smile. It was a smile unburdened by worry, unburdened by memories of hurt and loneliness. It was so genuine, once-upon-a-time. His wide-eyed inquisitive gaze and open hands gave her warmth and comfort, with the notion that life really didn’t get better than this.

He remembered her pulling all of the good dishes out of the cupboard above the sink and packing them in a box. The way she wouldn’t look him in the eye for more than three seconds at a time. It was cold, but not the type of cold that a parka and pair of wool mittens would challenge. It was the type of cold that you felt from in your bones, the type that made the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. You knew that if you closed your hands and blew hard enough into them that eventually they would warm up, but they never stayed that way. He remembered his hands being so painful from clenching, that it hurt to open them. His eyes were so red and sore that he kept them closed too. Most of all, it was those moments she wasn’t there that he remembered.

She remembered the cards he gave her in May. The time of year when small green buds appeared on the gnarled fingers of the trees in front of her house. The cards were always made by hand, with hearts and stars and rhyming poems that in her eyes, were the most loving words she had ever read. She remembered his laugh when her dog knocked him over and licked his face. She missed the hockey games, the highschool fashion shows and being a part of his life. What she missed most was the bellowing of “MOM!” when he needed her.

He remembered the time he spent folding his hands on the long trips to her house. He remembered the days he visited only to be left alone during the nights. The time he spent looking at his watch, wondering why she never called, or refused to pick him up. He remembered sitting behind a closed door with his fists covering his ears while she argued with her boyfriends. Most of all, he remembered the time she never spent.




They remembered the last day they really spoke to each other, every last word. The argument in her kitchen that destroyed something that written word and wisdom argue the feasibility of being destroyed. Her blood ran cold, and with 7 fierce words, one sentence, she broke something that was supposed to be unbreakable. She severed the bond between a mother and a son.

“I’m not raising you, your father is.”

The room was silent. The windows no longer shook. His chest moved in and out slowly and steadily. He pulled her closer, drying her tears with his palms. He took her hands in his, and whispered, “These bonds can only be mended using the tools that broke them. Choose your words wisely, and remember that a gesture to show someone you love them isn’t always tangible. It is often just a phone call, a kind word or a good deed. These gestures are often reciprocated; especially when both involved have recognized that time is in short supply. I love you.”

 

[CC]

well, after years of being on terrible terms with my parents, i have turned the relationship around. it takes some hard work. sometimes i would just simply stay in and not go out in order to hang around and watch tv or something with them. it helped a lot. all i can say is that if you got problems with the parents, usually you have to make the first sacrifice to make the relationship better. most of us have been royal pain in the asses since we were born. maybe we weren't as terrible as some, but let's face it, without us, our parent's would have money, social lives, and probably even sex lives....

i wasn't on good terms with my parents until i was 22. it took a large incident to make me reallize how much they do for me. for most people, they expect that their parents owe them something. that should not be the case. everything they give you or do for you should be treated as a gift. it took me too long to reallize that. but everything is good now.

i think everyone should take little steps to better their relationship with their parents. maybe just visit them once and a while just for the sake of visiting them.

and above all else, think forward to when you are a parent. how will you be? i'm sure that most of us will find it a trying experience and end up a lot like our parents, if not worse. so try to make their job easy for them once and a while.

Shawn