Perceptions of your fellow Tribers

[MoFo]

So I finally updated my online journal after weeks (losing a lot of my readers due to my lack of updates recently) and I really like what I wrote. So I'm sharing it on here to sort of show some of you that everyone on here is multi-faceted. I think on here we tend to forget that we all live actual lives filled with emotion, heartbreak and tribulations. Perceptions of our "offline" personalities and experiences can be misconstrued so I bring you this journal entry. Thanks to any TBK who have been keeping my website's counter up.
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DYSFUNCTION
2002-03-28

My father made me cry in front of him for the first time. And it all started with a fucking tax receipt.

Dad asked me if I was going to get the tax receipt from school so he could finish up the tax returns. I told him I would get it as soon as I arrived at school. I finished up my lunch, got up to put on my gear and all of a sudden he started spewing out profanities at me. He yelled at me for screwing things up in the past and made some comments about the possibility of screwing this task up. I fell silent and inhaled deeply with rage. I couldn’t figure out if he was trying to provoke me or if he was trying to teach me some life-lesson but I couldn’t tolerate it for very much longer. I composed myself and told myself that I wasn’t going to lash out. I decided to speak to him in a calm and poised manner no matter how many guns he decided to point at me.

All in Chinese:

Me: “Do you want the receipt or not? I said I was getting it today. You’re yelling at me for something I haven’t even screwed up yet. Why do you always have to bring up the past? Why do you always have to yell at me for everything?”

Him: “I don’t. You are a spoiled little useless brat. You don’t respect anything I do for you. All you do is screw things up!”

Me: “That’s because nothing I do is ever good enough for you… Dad, you yell at me all the time. Everything you say to me is derogatory.”

Him: [yelling] “I NEVER yell at you!”

Me: “[infuriated] “You’re yelling at me right now! Are you insane?”

Him: “I don’t fucking care. You can do what you want. I don’t want to talk about it!”

Me: “I do! Don’t you dare walk away from me! This isn’t finished! Dad, I have to leave. I have to get out of this house.”

Him: “Then leave then. I don’t fucking care what you do. You’re just fucking stupid! Leave!”

Me: “I can’t! If I could, I would in a second! You’re so mean to me. I hate you.”

Him: [stutters]

Me: “I hate this house. I hate being around you. I have no money. If I could move out, I would! Dad, you’re like a corrupted government and I’m just a citizen milking money off the system because I hate you. I don’t know what you have against me. I get straight A’s, I’ve always been a good person and you continue to treat me like an animal. You know what? I’m not one of your fucking blue-collared work friends. You do not talk to me like that. I am your fucking son! You know, I can see where I got all this rage from and I can see that you are definitely my father. You are just like your mother [whom he hates]!”

Him: “I don’t fucking care! I don’t wanna talk about it!”

Me: “Well, I do! For the last 22 year I have been a prisoner of this house of hate. You think you can just walk away and forget all of this just like that? With a simple ‘I don’t fucking care?’ You think you can just wipe me away like a stain on the floor? Well, this stain is permanent, Dad. It’s entered my skin like a tattoo and it’s NOT coming out. You’ve scarred me for life and I am NEVER going to forget the hate that you have contaminated me with… We have to separate. We cannot live together. This is ruining my self-esteem. It’s too bad I wasn’t a better son but I don’t come with a warranty. You’re STUCK with me… You’re the ONLY person in my life that makes me feel like dog shit every time you speak to me.” [tears well up in my eyes]

Him: [walks away… is silently fuming]

Me: “Fine. Just walk away, Dad… I am sorry that I’ve been a bad son. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a failure to you. I’m sorry I was even born…”


I started to cry uncontrollably. A huge sense of failure overcame my body. My shoulders slumped in shame and my head hung in self-hatred. I walked over to the door to put on my shoes and my mom followed crying. I heard my father come down the stairs, peek into the hallway, saw me crying went back and stood in the kitchen.


Was he still fuming? I guess. Afraid? Probably. Shocked? Most definitely considering I had always stood my ground during our disputes and had never let him witness any of his hostility get to me.


I said softly, “I just… wanna get the tax receipt… That’s it. I’m late for class now. I have to get the tax receipt for you, Dad. I’m so sorry… I’m sorry…” My mom grabbed me and I told her that everything was okay. That nothing was ever going to change if I didn’t leave permanently. She let go of me and I went out the door leaving a trail of tears on my front steps. I walked bawling to the subway station.


The afternoon passengers who were probably enjoying the sunny day sat in silence and watched as I sat on the train with tears streaming down my face, bent over with my head hidden in my hands.


I arrived at school and immediately headed over to Student Services. All I wanted was to get that tax receipt for my father so that I could feel that I accomplished one stupid task sufficiently for the day.


So that he could get his taxes done.


So for once, I wouldn’t screw things up.

 

[MoFo]

Also, feel free to post stuff that will fuck up other's perceptions of your online persona. Useless facts? Do you moonlight? An emotional experience you've had?

 

[nusty]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that tomorrow goes better and that your father enjoys the tax reciet.
Take care of yourself and don't forget to reward yourself once in a while for being awsome. Try martial arts or any fighting art to let out steam. I used to have a major aggression problem that resulted in me occasionally beating the shit out of even my best friends over stupid stuff. (once threw a friend down eight stair because walked in a the wrong moment of anger, yeah I'm ashamed) I picked up karate and jiu-jitsu along with rugby to let the steam out. I haven't had a moment like those (of any violence anyway) in almost 3 years and can't imagine anything like that ever happening again (please don't be afriad of meeting me, i'm nice now, honest!)

I'd post more of my moments but I'm swamped with work right now, I'll be back tomorrow night to update this.
Dave

 

[MoFo]

^^^
S'ok. I think you icqued me drunk one time. You seemed nice.

This happened a few weeks ago. Since then, I've just avoided him, kept my distance, applied for three high-paying jobs so I can move out and have never been happier with school. I vent through art.

 

[MoFo]

Originally posted by nusty
once threw a friend down eight stair because walked in a the wrong moment of anger, yeah I'm ashamed)

Wait, was he/she okay?

 

[nusty]

Originally posted by MoFo


Wait, was he/she okay?

yeah they were fine apart from a busied ass. Just totally shocked. I mean i would be too, who sees shit like that comming from a friend? I never actually hurt anyone, mainly just scared the shit out of them since I probably had a really serious "don't fuck with me ever again" kind of face on at the times.
I don't remember talking to you drunk, and I don't drink or get drunk often so it probably wasn't me, but I'll take credit for it just the same.

 

[Evil Dynovac]

Keep you chin up, Mo Fo.

My mother use to scream at me all the time. It works out in the end but it may take a while. Keep you head down and finish school. Then you can start your own life.

 

[gasper]

mofo: ever consider writing a book? you write quite well. vivid visualizations came easily while reading your post.

 

[deep]

Sounds as though his negativity towards you has something to do with other than your academic performance or usefulness, since he doesn't elaborate into specifics or want to talk about it when you offer counterarguments. You really need to move out for your own sanity. You may not have the money, but if removing this source of negativity in your life is important to you you'll find a way. So long as there is dependance on him for something there will be justification for his negativity towards you.

This all you probably know but knowing and doing are two different things.

For what it's worth I think functional is the exception to the rule of dysfunction.

 

[Rosey]

Originally posted by MoFo

Him: [yelling] “I NEVER yell at you!”

Me: “[infuriated] “You’re yelling at me right now! Are you insane?”

that's one of my mother's favourites. or alternately screaming "DON"T YELL AT ME" when i'm perhaps speaking forcefully but not yelling.

i had dinner with my parents on the weekend and my dad brought up an article that was in the star or something a month or so back. it was actually posted here in the "Iron Ring" thread. the article was about a engineer who was a good student in high school without working hard and started an engineering program at U of T but hated it, and had a really hard time with it. his parents forced him to stay with it and he muddled through, hating it all the way. i told my parents that i really identified with the author's experiences.

two days later i get a call from my dad (apparently my mother had been fuming since the weekend about me saying that i identified with that writer's situation). obviously, because my mother has been at him incessantly, my dad called to talk. he asked if i really felt that they had forced me to take computer science courses that i ended up loathing. i said no, that's not what i meant by identifying with the article, i identified mostly with the part where he told his parents he had tried to commit suicide and they insisted that he made that up to get attention. that got a big "oh". the truth is, in the middle of an 'emotional discussion' i did confess a suicide attempt to my parents in second year. it was true, not that it matters. they totally freaked out, but i thought it actually broke down some barriers. then a week or so later my mother brought it up and told me that she knew that i had made up the whole thing.

a couple of years ago i realised that a lot of things in my life were reactions to my mother being a bitch. our relationship was so antagonistic that when she said 'left' i went right; she said 'take english courses, you're good at them' and i took comp sci courses that i was bad at; she said 'don't drink', i drank (a lot). i know she had what she thought was best for me in mind when she told me to do something, but she never treated me with any amount of respect. she still doesn't. it frustrates me to think about how much time i wasted reacting to her. but maybe that was unavoidable, i'd like to think that i've learned to make my own choices based on what i really want and think, not just based on a reaction to her.

sunny, moving out helps and it doesn't. you are suddenly more free and you are not in each others face anymore, but i found that my relationship with my parents sorta froze at the point it was at when i left, nothing has progressed since then. i've changed, i don't think my mother has, and i still get shit on every time i go home. and she is still making my brother's life totally miserable (he still lives at home). the big difference is now i've learned to feel pity for her small, angry, afraid little world. and it must be hard for her to live knowing that her children basically hate her. i really feel sorry for her, but it's hard to be nice when she still won't treat me with even the most basic respect.

two weekends ago she (my mother) told me that she thought that when my girlfriend found out "how verbally abusive and impossible to live with" i am, she (my girlfriend) would dump me. i just gave her a hug and walked away - what else could i do?

 

[BigBadBaldy]

I feel lost and confused most of the time.

I have cried more in the last month and a half than I have most of my life combined.

I recklessly let my emotions get the better of me.

BBB.

Reader's Digest revelations. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

Sunny, come and live with me! I really feel for you. OK, I don't really have room, but I wish I could take you out of that situation. Boo!

 

[Mr_Furious]

Sunny I can totally relate to what you're going through. I think most asian fathers seem to have this superiority complex and anger management issues. For the longest time I was convinced that I was just an accident and that my father didn't really want me.
I remember when I was 7, he tried to throw me out of the house because I lost a transformer that he had bought for me about a week ago. It was the kind of thing where he was pushing me out the door and I was grasping onto the door frame with the jaws of life. Then when I was a teenager I went through pretty much the same thing that you posted in here, only it resulted in us swearing at each other and then him telling me to leave.

Unfortunately, I don't really know what to tell you. Its too bad there's no clear cut way to actually change people. I'm sure if that were the case we'd all get along much easier. I guess what happened with me is that we both matured. My mom has always been a faithful christian and she keeps telling me that going to church was what changed my father

I guess your only option is to try and talk to him in a calm and rational manner. There may have been something fueling his rage.

Hope everything works out for you

 

[SUNKIST]

My Sunnykins...
I'm sorry things are so rough with your Dad, it makes things so much harder when you don't really have someone you can turn to when things get hard, and when the source of hardships are one of your parents. Did you hear about the job you applied for a work? I'm sure we could find a cheap apt. somewhere and move out for the summer. Maybe that would help cool things down, or get your dad to realize how much he's really hurting you. This isn't fair to you, and its only going to end up damaging the way you feel about yourself. Just remember your friends want to help you, and now i feel the overwhelming urge to take care of you (but i'm a nerd like that, and you know that..so ignore that ). But lets see what we can get in the works..because there really is no point in you staying at home.

 

[Dark-Rave]

hey sunny...

youre not alone dood... when i used to live at home, my mom and i could not sit down without getting into an argument (i.e., bringing up the past, nothing i do seems to be good enough, etc..). until one day i decided to move out. since then, we have been able to sit down and actually talk (this is such a huge relief to me as my 'rents are an integral part of my life and i have 2 sets of parents =)). i dont want to leave you with the impression that when you move out, everything will be honky dory. it wont. not until you both decide to work on your parent/children relationship (which is ongoing).

chin up.. stormy weather is a prelude to more sunny days (no pun intended ).. if you ever need someone to talk to, please dont hesistate in contacting me..

on that note, i hope you get to enjoy this great day we are havin'..


love and laughter,

pen

 

[mingster]

Sunny.

But maybe you've started something good! Maybe your dad is gonna start thinking about this stuff now. Sometimes it takes really hard moments to begin a healing process. *hugz*

Ming.

 

[MoFo]

It's been 22 years of this. I used to be scared to even ask him for a dollar or if I could go outside to play. Later, by my pre-teens, I learned to just do and not ask.

And moving out would be a quick solution. I had a talk (well, it ended up him storming to bed) with him the next night when he got home from work. It was almost 3 AM: our family is always up since my dad gets home from work at 2 and my mom is a night-owl.

Anyway, I didn't yell once. I just wanted him to know that I loved him and respected him as my blood father but that we were two individuals that cannot co-exist. I told him that for my own happiness (and his), I would have to leave. That I wanted our relationship to be stable when I got older. I mean, I don't want my parents to feel estranged from me. I want to be able to go over whenever I wanted to and vice versa.

And Deep is right. There's more to his rage. There's a certain insecurity in him that I discovered. A repressed self-hatred of himself that stems from ethnic minority issues. And he's been working at General Motors for 20 years 6 days a week, so that might have something to do with it.

Anyway, I was just sharing some writing so thank you all for yuor kind words. Not really looking for symphathy, just some reactions.

And I LOVE the stuff written in this thread so far. I love hearing about other people's experiences and discovering something new about random online personas.

 

[noisy]

wow.

I'm pretty sure I don't know any of you, but your stories are deeply touching. Positive vibes to all of you.

Thanks for sharing.

(((((((giant internet hugs))))))))

<----- feeling all verklempt

 

[MoFo]

Originally posted by Mr_Furious
Sunny I can totally relate to what you're going through. I think most asian fathers seem to have this superiority complex and anger management issues. For the longest time I was convinced that I was just an accident and that my father didn't really want me.
I remember when I was 7, he tried to throw me out of the house because I lost a transformer that he had bought for me about a week ago. It was the kind of thing where he was pushing me out the door and I was grasping onto the door frame with the jaws of life.

That happened to me too. But I think it was because I was late coming home from school. I was supposed to be home at 3:30 but I got home after 4. I was helping my teacher clean the blackboards like a keener and cleaning up a mess that we made from our art activities.

My dad locked me out. And then when I came in, beat me with a huge stick.

Years later, I vowed never to have children because I didn't want to turn out like him and treat my children that way. And being a confused gay kid, I already hated myself. With the added bonus of a raging father, it just didn't help my self-confidence that much. I had to seek my own self-esteem.

Asian fathers can kiss my ass. Sometimes I just want to stop being so patient and understanding and analytical of my homelife and just fling my arms in the air and exclaim, "to HELL with this. I'm going to Malibu!"

 

[Jazz]

MoFo, I feel what you're going through... I had a very volitaile, destructive relationship with my mom when I was living at home. I won't get into it too deeply, but screaming arguements were the norm in my house, in fact it was a rare occasion for me to have a normal conversation with my mom at that time.

Eventually it got to the point where I had to move out for my own sanity, and I can say without a doubt it was the best thing to do. At the time it was tough, I didn't have that much cash saved, and I was still in school. But I worked things out, and I can't tell you how much better life is for me now. When you're in that type of situation it can be hard to see how destructive it is to yourself, but once I was away from it I realised how harmful it was. It took me along time to get used to living a normal, peaceful life, I was so used to the constant negative energy that surrounded me when I lived at home.

Even if you can't afford to get out on your own right now, just take solice that you will do soon and life will get better. Moving out isn't going to fix your relationship with your father, but it will help you gain some emotional stability in your life which we all need. You need to take care of yourself first.

 

[Guest]

Sunny, how does your mother factor in to the relationship between you and your father? Is she submissive; does she dominate you too?

Unless she's from the old-world way of thinking, that a woman's role is to stand by her man, I wonder what she does while your father locks you out, and does these horrible things to you.

I agree with the general concensus; you have to move out, and soon. If after 22 years, you haven't made progress, the chances of reconcilliation in the present circumstance is next to nil. Like you said, you have told him you love him as your blood-father, and if you're not provoking any anger, there is nothing more you can do.

 

[Cameron]

Fighting with Family can be one of the hardest things. One factor for your situation is that you're still living in your parents' house at the age of 22. Now, there is absolutly NOTHING wrong with that (I live at home myself).But maybe once you move out and put a little distance between you and your father your relationship might improve...I don't know if this is helpful at all, sorry if it isn't

BUT, for what it's worth MoFo, I've never met you and know of you only through your online persona. With that being said however, you seem to be a solid person who has alot to say to the world.

cheer up!

 

[jus me]

Awwwh, Sunny...

I know what it's like. When asian parents call us names, it's the worst. Cuz there are no swear words, just REALLY BAD insults.

It especially hurts around this age, cuz we understand their situation and we're trying to prove ourselves in the world.

However, it's the reverse for me. My mom is dominant and my dad stands back. He doesn't really say much, until he hears a fight and comes running in yelling, "What's happening?!?". But when he gets mad, he really does. Like I'm-Gonna-Slap-You mad.

I've always stood up for myself and my sister and vice versa.

I don't really have time to recount stories right now as I should head back to school...But, in your dad's heart he probably understands you. It's the generation they were raised in.

You'll pull through! You're very talented and very successful for someone your age! Don't YOU worry! *pat on the back*

 

[Guest]

Sunny, we've had this conversation many of times.

From past experiences with myself, I've argued with my dad, i've talked to him, I've agreed with my dad, I've sat there and ignored him, I've reasoned with him. Any possible method of communication with him is simple impossible. I've detached all emotional contact with him.

Moving out might be a solution, getting your mom to help you might be another, there is no one single way to deal with it.

In your father's eyes you will never be perfect, you will always be a child that doesn't know or understand the world. He needs to learn that you've grown up, it'll take time. Hang in there.

 

[Cheer Bear]

I think the "Cheer Bear" most people know is loud, confrontive, obnoxious...etc.

Very few people see the serious side of me...And usually when they do, they think something is wrong. And sometimes something *is* wrong. But most of the time it's me being my comtemplative, quiet self.

I don't know really, because I don't know how people see me, so I could be totally wrong.

Sunny, cheer up hun. Parents say these things because they care, but sometimes it comes out all wrong and it truly *does* hurt us. And half the time, we don't have the guts to tell them that they have. They think they're doing it for *your* own good, when really it's to make them feel better.

Uhhh....did that make sense?

blah

 

[mingster]

Originally posted by Tearer
If after 22 years, you haven't made progress, the chances of reconcilliation in the present circumstance is next to nil. Like you said, you have told him you love him as your blood-father, and if you're not provoking any anger, there is nothing more you can do.

I disagree.

DON'T EVER GIVE UP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH YOUR PARENTS!!!

It can take an entire lifetime to understand these people. It's important to start by understanding that they are people and however hard it might be, you can do it. You can relate. You don't have to try, and it might be difficult. But if it means something to you, work on it. Doing this can also help you to understand why it hurts you when they act certain ways.

I'm learning to get to know my parents. It's helping understand people, it will help me be a better person, and a better parent. I can't encourage it enough, Sunny.

Ming.