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More Craigslist Hilarity

glych t.anomaly

TRIBE Member
The COUCH OF DESTINY

Behold, the COUCH OF DESTINY.

It cannot be sold, only given away. I received it a few short years ago from a wise man who was leaving the country. He left it in my care - I have not, and never could, truly "own" the COUCH OF DESTINY - only care for it for a short while.

Today, it is time for the COUCH OF DESTINY to find a new home and a new KEEPER OF THE COUCH.

Maybe that person is you.

If you are ready to BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF THE COUCH OF DESTINY then you must PICK IT UP FROM MY PLACE which is a high rise condo. It is quite big (you should expect nothing less from such an awesome piece of lore) -- measuring an awesome 7'8" by a mighty 3'5".

Its material, you ask? It appears to be an impressive COTTON or somesuch. Its THREADS OF DESTINY are MACHINE WASHABLE if you remove the SLIPCOVERS OF DESTINY and put them in your WASHING MACHINE OF MEDIOCRITY.

Since no washing machine can truly measure up to the COUCH OF DESTINY, you can expect that the couch has several STAINS OF DESTINY here and there, most of which can be hidden by turning the cushions into the UPSIDE-DOWN DIRECTION OF VALOUR. Perhaps you are the CHOSEN STAIN-REMOVING ONE and can succeed in cleansing the DESTIN'D COUCH-THREADS of these markings where I, a mere humble mortal, have failed. Perhaps if you try BLEACH or PEROXIDE or SOMETHING, you might have some luck. Or maybe try dying it.

Many have remarked that this is the most comfortable couch they have ever lain upon. BEWARE, as it has a MIGHTY POWER of making people FALL ASLEEP into the SLUMBER OF COMFINESS if they lie down on it too long.

You are PROBABLY NOT WORTHY of the COUCH OF DESTINY, but the COUCH HATH SPOKEN and it TOLDETH ME that the FIRST COME shall be the FIRST SERVED, and will be the next KEEPER OF THE COUCH OF DESTINY.

So be it. Please bring a LARGE CAR OR VAN and you can park in the VISITOR PARKING OF SPLENDOUR. Godspeed and good luck.

 

IgStar

TRIBE Member
I still laugh hardcore at that pontiac ad.

I noticed though he didn't spell piece right.
still one the most kickass ads ever.
 

acheron

TRIBE Member
Woman Seeking Man Who Knocked Her Up In The Bathroom At Megadeth/Motorhead Show On Craigslist | UPROXX

“Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m – 28 (Aragon Ballroom)”

“Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got f***ed up. You had a nice c**k and I was wasted so I let [you] raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.”
 

octo

TRIBE Member
a friend of a friend is selling some furniture

Condo Swagger for a Song

You're a young man in the city. You've got your act together, entering the prime of your bachelorhood. You're starting to do pretty well for yourself professionally. You know how to dress (Trunk Club), how to drive (German), and most of all how to carry yourself. You are physically fit and impeccably groomed. Certain people are starting to take notice that you are, indeed, the total package. Le Package Totale.

When young women meet you, it's obvious you're quite a catch, and they seek your company. But when you decide to give it to them, your domestic aesthetic lets you down. Maybe this weakest link in your game chain has even seeded some self-doubt in your otherwise coolly confident persona.

What you need is a residential upgrade. And now you can get one without having to put non-premium in your 335i, thanks to your Brother Caleb's recent departure from the warm, nurturing bosom of the Fair City Chi.

First off, the seating.
A man's seating says much. It is what you have chosen to caress the backside of the fine young lady to whom you've gifted entry to your home. Futon? Yuppie please. Overstuffed leather couch? Need some Ben & Jerry's and Yellow Tail pinot to go with your Julia Roberts rom-com? Try this Eames repro sofa with chaise lounge. The clean lines and good looks belie both confidence and taste. The subtle, classy earth tones intimate that whatever goes on here does so discretely. No one else needs to know. Now depending on how needlessly overpriced your repro, normally we're talking $1,600-$7,000. But thanks to your Brother Caleb here, it's yours for the low low price of....best offer by 12/1. Or make it yours immediately for $599. What's the condition, you ask? Prime.

Coffee table.
But not just any coffee table. One that demonstrates your modernity and class without looking like you 3D-printed it from a Design Within Reach catalog. Taking design cues from the classic iPod -- you know, the one in the New York MoMA -- this one features steel-and-glass composition with a back-lam top. How much, you ask? $199 or, you guessed it, best offer by 12/1.

End table.
True vintage. What does chrome and brass rhyme with? The first starts with a "d". If you can't figure out the second, then maybe this isn't the living room for you, Chief. Check that. Indian. $149 OBO.

Lighting.
Because sometimes you like it with the lights on. $79 for the tall skinny one. $19 for the one that likes to dance on tables.

Groundcover.
Marvin Gaye told us in Let's Get it On, "We're all sensitive people, with so much to give." But sensitive as we may be, it's primal masculinity that makes the La Perla fall to pedi'ed feet. And nothing says that like the hide of a dead beast. 100% pure Black Angus. $99 to go, or, that's right, best offer by 12/1.

Speaking of Angus. . ..the Grill.
It's a stainless steel range fueled by the same size of propane tanks her suburban father once used. Clearly you measure up to the original masculine prototype of her life. But wait -- your grill also sits atop a slate-and-sandalwood hand-painted hard-pine butcher's cart. Forget measure up. You're the new sheriff of these (her) parts, and the only man allowed to carry a gun downtown is you. Custom set originally $849. Yours for $299.

Now on to the bedroom: the dresser.
Where should the focus be - on the dresser or on the bed? Then you want this nondescript, medium brown, linear model. And guess what? It's from IKEA. $49 OBO.

The whole she-bang for $999. Don't say I never did anything for you.
 
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