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More Craigslist Hilarity

veteze

TRIBE Promoter
Dance Cages. They're wicked.

Note: You must be cool, and you must promise to use the dance cages for their intended purpose. That purpose is partying your ass off. These pleasure party platforms have been the property of The Good Times Gang for two years now. Attached are a couple pictures from their most recent weekend. You may notice that these dance cages glow in the freaking dark. You may also notice a giant chicken, an Amish man and a bearded egg have partying on the dance cages... We already told you that these things are not for rookies. Please understand that flagrantly disrespecting the boundaries of normalcy is mandatory if you wish to inherit the dance cages. Photographic proof of your exploits would be a nice courtesy. When assembled, the cages are 4'x4' and ten feet tall. Even when flat-packed they do take up space, because they are solid and built to absorb total dance mayhem. You need a truck & a cordless impact driver to properly transport and assemble/disassemble them. NOTE: You like to build stuff that shocks and amazes your friends (without actually maiming them). If this post has you fist-pumping the air and feverishly dreaming up some crazy shit, maybe you are ready to grab these two colossal party batons and run with them.

* Location: Parkdale
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


 

slice

TRIBE Member
Financial Support for a Girl Around My Age (Toronto)

I'm young (in my mid 20's), tall, good looking, and successful... but I find myself in a sad predicament when it comes to my love life. I have absolutely NO TIME and can't find a girl in my busy schedule and in my line of work!

What makes it even more challenging meeting girls for me is that I'm not a fan of clubbing/bars...

I take good care of myself and my health, and don't ever touch drugs... and I expect you to be the same.

I'm looking for an attractive and understanding girl around my age or younger that I could cuddle with, talk to, hang out with, and spend deeper moments with. In return, I would financially support you with respect, and dignity... so long as your needs are genuine.

If you are this girl, and you would like to join me in this mutual understanding, please send me a message.

Thanks for your time in reading this

Financial Support for a Girl Around My Age
 

WestsideWax

TRIBE Promoter
Posted by someone who thought "Pretty Woman" was a documentary. :p

This bloke on Kijiji is cracking me up...

GENERAL PUBLIC "TENDERNESS" - Oshawa / Durham Region Collectibles For Sale - Kijiji Oshawa / Durham Region Canada.

GENERAL PUBLIC "TENDERNESS" RARE !!!

DJ ALERT !!
(worth about $5)


RUN DMC 12" RECORD ORIGINAL - Oshawa / Durham Region Collectibles For Sale - Kijiji Oshawa / Durham Region Canada.

RUN DMC 1.KING OF ROCK 2. ROCK BOX 12" RECORD OVER 25 YEARS OLD AND VERY RARE.

DJ ALERT !!!!
(worth about $3)


DJ RECORDS OLD SCHOOL AL-NAAFIYSH BY HASHIM 2 COPIES "RARE" - Oshawa / Durham Region Collectibles For Sale - Kijiji Oshawa / Durham Region Canada.

DJ RECORDS OLD SCHOOL AL-NAAFIYSH BY HASHIM 2 COPIES "RARE". OLD SCHOOL DJ'S KNOW THIS RECORD BY "IT'S TIME" VERY RARE 12" RECORDS ON ORIGINAL VINYL FROM CUTTING RECORDS.

ONCE IN A LIFETIME TO OWN 2 COPIES !!!! OVER 20 YEARS OLD NOW !!

I BOUGHT THESE RECORDS BRAND NEW FROM STARSOUND IN DOWNTOWN TORONTO BACK IN THE DAY.

IF YOUR A TRUE DJ THEN YOU WILL KNOW THESE RECORDS.
So rare there's 180+ copies (incl. various represses) available on Discogs, with a near mint original going for about $10.


As an aside, if anyone's interested, I have a rare piece of fluff that came off of one of my needles - only $5! Only for TRUE DJs!!!
 

slice

TRIBE Member
Best. Roommate. Ever.

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday's with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.
 

slice

TRIBE Member
Holy shit dude has a twitter account. LOL.

Best.Roommate.Ever (@BestRoomyEver) sur Twitter

Some of my favs:

"Your Girlfriend just dropped by to use your laptop for her term paper. It's cool man. I already deleted your browser history. #bestroomyever"

"I'll pick up your date. Take her out. Talk about you all night. And then let you bang her. #Igotyourbackbro"

"Out of tampons? No need to fret. Guess who's already at the store. #bestroomyever"

"It's 3 am, you're shit-faced and locked out of the apt? Guess who's still up making nachos. Yup. #bestroomyever"
 

Bacchus

TRIBE Promoter
To the Slut from Dakota Tavern who slept with my boyfriend (in my bed) - m4w

To the Slut from Dakota Tavern who slept with my boyfriend (in my bed) - m4w - 24 (Ossington Station)



You: Female, Short brown hair, kind of thick body, small boobs, unattractive
Me: Female, Long black hair, black leather jacket, arrived after a 5-hour flight home to see you naked in my bed with my boyfriend.

I hope you enjoyed soiling my brand new sheets and smoking your classy ass cigarettes in my non-smoking apartment.
I guess all the photographs of ME in the bedroom and around the house, not to mention the FEMALE SHIT EVERYWHERE in the room didn't tip you off that well, that was a girl's house.
But then again, you didn't seem so bright anyway, so I guess I can't really blame you.

Thank you for screwing me out of a month's worth of rent (just like you, my dirtbag boyfriend also got kicked out that morning and hasn't paid rent) and for being an overall whore.

P.S. You left your god awful ugly f**cking hipster shirt in my house. I gave it to a friendly homeless man yesterday. He loved it.

Location: Ossington Station
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 

Bacchus

TRIBE Promoter
I need to move a coffin-it is very heavy and cannot do it myself-looking for a person with a big truck-the coffin is nailed shut -the coffin was stored in my garage and I just need room-would like to take it to a wooded area to dump-will pay 50 dollars-please just keep this between us thanks
need to move a coffin
 

WestsideWax

TRIBE Promoter
awesome...

Japanese Fetish DVDs

Japanese Fetish DVDs - $5 (Parkdale)

Are fatties and food mashers your kink? Are you a DJ that wants something really novel to project? Are you just morbidly curious?

I have two rare, once viewed imported fetish DVDs from Japan compatible on North American systems for the discerning consumer. One is a compilation of very large women with small men and the other involves cute girls mashing food. Go on, you know you want to...

 

jocelyn dee

TRIBE Promoter
Free oil paintings by me!

I wish there were photos with this one

Free oil paintings by me! (Davisville)

I have been unable to sell most of my paintings and I am now running out of room to store all of my canvas's. The paintings I have to offer are on 24x36 canvas's and are all very unique and provocative, pushing the limits of what is accepted in society. I am giving away 6 very different and unique works in hopes that others will see my work outside of my apartment. The works I have to offer are as follows:

Oil Painting of a nude retarded child being pecked in the head by an ostrich

Oil Painting of a nun with a strap-on, skull fucking a jack-o-lantern

Oil Painting of President Bush getting ass fucked by a Donkey

Oil Painting of a Taco with human features with a huge erection, getting a blow job from a group of illegal immigrants

Oil painting of a midget getting hit in the face with a pie, standing in a sewer.

Oil Painting of a Chinese man with a duck in his ass, smoking an opium pipe.

All of my paintings have very deep meanings to me and are all special. If you are interested please email and let me know specifically which painting you are interested in. I will only email back if I still have the one you want. This is of course, first come first serve.


Location: Davisville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



PostingID: 2647444455
 

SolChild

TRIBE Promoter
Vintage BiWay plastic shopping bag
Date: 2009-07-01, 10:18AM EDT

I have a vintage BiWay shopping bag that is perfect for anyone who hangs out on Ossington. It's the same bag that you wouldn't have been caught dead using when you were 10, but now that those shoes with the "Nike swoosh that has a split it" in are cool again, what better way to carry them than a BiWay bag? Well, a Bargain Harold's bag would be a close second, but I can't help you there. I CAN help you with a genuine BiWay bag, and said bag can help you carry your 6-pack of PBR home in style. Why pay $0.05 for a shopping bag when you can whip out the genuine BiWay bag? Carrying things in this bag when I was a kid led to social ostracism, but in these troubled economic times, you can be a God amongst men with it.

Possible uses of the genuine BiWay bag:

- Holds a 6-pack of PBR.
- Holds a few pairs of your grandmother's glasses that have no lenses in them.
- Holds up to three pairs of skinny jeans (folded).
- The first 2 seasons of Flight of the Conchords can fit comfortably, with room to spare for one of Bret's snarling animal sweatshirts.
- It looks dashing covering the seat of your fixie during a downpour. Its advanced impermeable construction protects your Brooks saddle from being soaked from the water streaming off your mustache.

Don't delay, get your genuine BiWay bag today!

Location: Keele/St Clair
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 

JamesM

TRIBE Member
Sucker Wanted for Non-Paying Client (Toronto)

lulz!

Date: 2011-12-07, 12:45AM EST
Reply to: job-uhtzt-2740222950@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hey there Web Developers and Designers,

A well known and diversified international conglomerate mega huge corporation is looking for a web developer guru to be a part of the next big thing.
With more than 30 years in the internet business, proven track record and an unstoppable team of non English speaking foreign brick layers, we know and have done actual studies to prove that our experience combined together with your know how and web guru skill levels, will make our new social network for people without insoles who like mis-matching knee high socks, bigger than Facebook! Wouldn't you like to be a part of something that really shows other people what you have done? Don't you want to be rich and see your money come pouring in like buckets of Skittles from that commercial? If you said yes to any of these important questions, then keep reading!!

YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDE:
- business plan development, build and assembly
- order-in food delivery management
- trash can collection and deployment once per week
- installation of illegal Photoshop and other Windows/MAC software
- occasionally sleeping in your desk chair

OUR REQUIREMENTS ARE
- diploma or degree from a well known school, preferably Harvard or M.I.T.
- over 5 years experience with walking small but relative house pets
- being fluent in these languages: ASP, PHP, DVD, MP3, and PHONES
- 5 references and bank statements from family and friends
- your own vehicle, to be re-configured as company car
- sleeping bag and fresh socks

OUR COMPENSATION
- will pay in "IOU's or "Round 2 It's" until website ideas generate money
- once website generates income will offer 5% of one fifth the net profits
- credits and links on your portfolio from our company

So if you're interested give us a shout today!

The ABC Widget Corporation
8675309 Bogus Blvd
Toronto, Ontario
H0H0H0

*******************************
*******************************
P.S. - People, these kinds of postings are a joke, I'm sorry but I'm not far off when I typed this up, that's the scary part. I have looked on Craigslist day in and day out for something worthy to reply to for months now, and I find almost next to nothing every time. I know that there are people out there that really want a great website, and that really want to work with great developers and designers...but these kind of jobs just have to stop. People are trying to take advantage of the fact that there is really no standard for what we do in regards to prices and quality etc., and no don't reply to me saying "well check out this agency, I use their prices" - they are just as crooked. Somewhere along the line it seems that radio and TV commercials that promote do it yourself websites for $59, and the kids overseas who use Microsoft Paint to produce their graphics, got seeded into what we have spent years trying to accomplish at school, at work and elsewhere.

Anyways, this is my website: thewebsiteguy.ca | All websites, all the time... - I think I am good at what I do.
If you visit my site and tell a couple people about it, I'll do the same for yours if you have one okay?
At least this way we may be able to covertly change the direction, or flow of idiots into the Toronto Craigslist stream?
I don't know, you don't have to visit my website, I just want this Craigslist to smarten up, I don't know, I'm tired of this crap.

Thanks for reading,
Nick G.

Location: Toronto
Compensation: $50,000 - $75,000
Telecommuting is ok.
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Sucker Wanted for Non-Paying Client
 
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