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More Craigslist Hilarity

KiFe

TRIBE Member
"talkin' outta turn.... that's a paddlin"
"starin' at my sandals... that's a paddlin"
"talkin' 'bout my beard...you better believe that's a paddlin"
 

basketballjones

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by KiFe
"talkin' outta turn.... that's a paddlin"
"starin' at my sandals... that's a paddlin"
"talkin' 'bout my beard...you better believe that's a paddlin"
jesus this made me laugh...NICE ONE BRUVA
 

terrawrist III

TRIBE Member
I once got a paddlin' with the BIG fork(I narrowly escaped the spoon!) that's what you got in my house for breaking the cieling fan with a bamboo placemat:eek:
 

basketballjones

TRIBE Member
we got the 1.5 inch wooden ceasar salad spork...man did that thing hurt....i loved it when you were crying from the beating you just took and your dad would say.."do you want me to give you something to cry about"...

im already fucking crying....but it learned me good
 

terrawrist III

TRIBE Member
I love the whole " this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you!" parent monologue...

great!...wanna trade places then you fuckin' bitch:D
 

basketballjones

TRIBE Member
tell me about it
im not going to smack the shit outta my kids, but i will shake them into last tuesday

and there aint no way they be driving my car til they are going to college, i will have them insured so they get the time, but NO WAY JOSE will they be driving

and that will prolly be a totally false statement when my daughter(yes im having daughters karma's a bitch) asks to borrow my whip
 

technowelt

TRIBE Member
Perhaps not hilarity, but I got a chortle out of it.

BMX Beater ( with Ape bars) - $80

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reply to: sale-140124178@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-08, 12:51PM EST


Side walk legal Bmx beater. Arrive instyle, go to the store, hang-out. You have all the time in the world because you are riding a gold Bmx. Did I mention that it has Ape bars with a long stem and seatpost. Yes my friend,... a Gold Bmx with all the stuff I mentioned before and a coaster brake and a hand brake , thats two brakes on a gold Bmx with Ape handle bars at a low price which is side walk legal and you can go to the store and hang -out with your friend and the friends of other people who have other bmx's or low riders or mountain bike. You can hang -out with who ever you like, now that you have a gold bmx with ape handle bars and real bmx tires. It has been tuned up and is ready for the road or sidewalk. Or you can just hang-out..... Look,...you don't even have to ride this bike just buy it and walk around with it because it's gold and has ape bars you will meet more people.

http://toronto.craigslist.org/bik/140124178.html
 

technowelt

TRIBE Member
I have to admit that I enjoy reading the missed connections section on Craigslist. I thought that some of you might find this useful:

Where are all T.O.'s original ravers ? Where are all the old school at ? If you were at Exodus and Chemistry parties back in the day, please come back out of the fucking woodwork. Some of us old punters need the rest of you back. Come on for fuck's sake! If only for one good solid night, maybe Therapy on a Sunday night ? *sigh* Woe is me at the thought of never again spending a solid night of two-step grooving, are the days of sexy smooth dancing to be forever replaced by disjointed, vibrating robot styles ? :)
http://toronto.craigslist.org/mis/149867592.html
 

why not

TRIBE Member
um, WTF?!

http://toronto.craigslist.org/cas/150847636.html

Reply to: pers-150847636@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-04-13, 11:30AM EDT


My name is Liz. I’m a mixed-media artist and I’m looking for an open-minded guy who will be willing to spend time with me in my apartment… with the possibility of becoming apart of my artwork down the road. There aren’t any relationship expectations between us per say… but if you could only be open-minded towards my art and lifestyle, then the house, which is as amazing and gorgeous as I am, would be yours to play in.

I have one large bedroom with bay-windows and a walk in closet available for May 1st. The price, non fiscal, includes hydro, internet (high speed) and telephone (for outgoing calls ONLY).

I'm a young liberal anti-fascist goth (bitch?) with jet black hair, a round ass and amazing tits.

The catch is that you have to be willing to live among my art. The apartment is large, two wings that meet at a central hub where our living-room and dining-room come together and lead into an elevated kitchen with hard wood flooring and exposed brick; also: an adjacent laundry-room. Your bright and cozy bathroom (the sun) is up a gnarly twisted spiral staircase made of funky rusted metal, the stairs lead up and in to an oval shaped bathroom, bright orange in colour with windows all around overlooking the city. This washroom (the sun) is all yours, as it is the only colour in the apartment to speak of... I like to keep things at the bottom of the stairs in darker monochromatic tones and won't be changing this theme for anyone.

I have a shower and dysfunctional toilet next to my bedroom on the west wing of the apartment which suits me fine as my art is chiefly comprised of human stool, and I tend to utilize a great deal of this substance. Blood, stool, and urine mixed with my own hair and the hair of my pets... Oh yes, you'll be required to live with an ever "shedding" feline family and will need to put up with what you will most likely refer to as "stinkiness".

Furthermore, you will indeed be visited on occasion by my exhibitionist self wandering naked and befouled (slathered brown and filthy) with hunks of hair missing from my scalp and an occasionally pale or simply "out-of-it" appearance… joining you in the common areas in the morning or at any given time, really... (If you’re uncomfortable with people bleeding around you, you can always take some time in your wing or up in the sun where you can be alone with your thoughts).

You will notice my diet, and so my cooking, varies day-by-day according to the necessities of my artistic medium and the always changing need for particular textures and colours.

Some days, for instance, I'll only eat mustard.

The last tenant had an uncommon enjoyment of the aesthetics and smells of the place, as well with my occasional states of dizziness (he denied this, claiming that he didn't in fact enjoy the smells, but that his nose conveniently just plain didn't work... I don't believe him), however, upon discovering my personal den and the dried toilet bowl therein that I use for mixing mediums... he wasn't up to the task of our living arrangements.

I can agree with leaving the materials for my art within my wing, and if you have any inhibitions or aversions to what most would deem some very strange and ungodly personal habits, I suggest strongly that you stray as far from my wing as possible...

...that said, I do leave my bedroom doors open because I am, as previously suggested, an unabashed exhibitionist with a shameless air and a fascination for human horrors and shockings, as well as their erotic curiosities. I would always be waiting…

Please email ASAP if considering so I can begin the process of cleaning your wing.... which I'm not looking forward to, the beauty in the streaks and the compositions of the blotching is particularly wonderful in this area.



this is in or around Downtown

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests




150847636
 

why not

TRIBE Member
Flashy_McFlash said:
What the fuck, Barbecue?

That is as awesome as it is insanely horrifying.

the implied free rent and NSA goth sex sounds vaguely appealing at the beginning, but then it all goes pete tong.
*shudder*
 

philly

TRIBE Member
these guys should hook up: http://toronto.craigslist.org/for/159046897.html

Reply to: sale-159046897@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-05-09, 1:04PM EDT

My name is Gradon McManus and I run a "Revenge for Hire" business. If someone has wronged you... and it doesn't really matter how (called you names, slept with your spouse, cost you your job), I will crap in a box and mail it to the offending individual. 100% untraceable to YOU!!

I offer several packages to suit your needs:

$35 - box of crap, standard load
$45 - box of crap, standard load with photo
$50 - box of crap, standard load with photo of victim in crap
$60 - box of crap, standard load with photo CD (25 pictures)
$70 - box of crap, standard load with photo CD (25 pictures) AND picture of victim placed in crap

$50 - box of crap, double load
$60 - box of crap, double load with photo
$65 - box of crap, double load with photo of victim in crap
$75 - box of crap, double load with photo CD (25 pictures) **BEST VALUE!!**
$95 - box of crap, double load with photo CD (25 pictures) AND picture of victim placed in crap

Each box of crap will come with a "revenge" letter letting them know they should change their behavior... or else!! Extras include an added printed 8 x 10 picture of me placing the crap from my body into the box, scowling and giving the finger while holding a "For John Doe" sign with the individuals name. A 25 picture photo CD is also available which will include custom shots of the crap being prepared, made and packaged. Send me a picture of the victim and I will place it directly into the crap!!

You can request changes in my diet for different outcomes for a $15 (single
load) surcharge ($25 for a double). I personally guarantee lumps of the
requested product will be littered throughout and will make up %75 of my
meal prior to movement. Requests include:

Corn
Peas
Carrots
Nuts (various)
Raisins
Blueberries
Mushrooms

I will take any requests to add to this list but cannot guarantee the
outcome. I have a very hearty digestive system. All requests not listed
here must be edible and are subject to my approval.

I will mail the box of crap anywhere across Canada regular post. Priority
overnight service can be added for a $20 surcharge.

Delivery in the Greater Toronto Area via Singing Telegram can be arrange,
extra charges apply.

Thank you for your service. Please make initial contact via email.

why not said:
um, WTF?!

http://toronto.craigslist.org/cas/150847636.html

Reply to: pers-150847636@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-04-13, 11:30AM EDT


My name is Liz. I’m a mixed-media artist and I’m looking for an open-minded guy who will be willing to spend time with me in my apartment… with the possibility of becoming apart of my artwork down the road. There aren’t any relationship expectations between us per say… but if you could only be open-minded towards my art and lifestyle, then the house, which is as amazing and gorgeous as I am, would be yours to play in.

I have one large bedroom with bay-windows and a walk in closet available for May 1st. The price, non fiscal, includes hydro, internet (high speed) and telephone (for outgoing calls ONLY).

I'm a young liberal anti-fascist goth (bitch?) with jet black hair, a round ass and amazing tits.

The catch is that you have to be willing to live among my art. The apartment is large, two wings that meet at a central hub where our living-room and dining-room come together and lead into an elevated kitchen with hard wood flooring and exposed brick; also: an adjacent laundry-room. Your bright and cozy bathroom (the sun) is up a gnarly twisted spiral staircase made of funky rusted metal, the stairs lead up and in to an oval shaped bathroom, bright orange in colour with windows all around overlooking the city. This washroom (the sun) is all yours, as it is the only colour in the apartment to speak of... I like to keep things at the bottom of the stairs in darker monochromatic tones and won't be changing this theme for anyone.

I have a shower and dysfunctional toilet next to my bedroom on the west wing of the apartment which suits me fine as my art is chiefly comprised of human stool, and I tend to utilize a great deal of this substance. Blood, stool, and urine mixed with my own hair and the hair of my pets... Oh yes, you'll be required to live with an ever "shedding" feline family and will need to put up with what you will most likely refer to as "stinkiness".

Furthermore, you will indeed be visited on occasion by my exhibitionist self wandering naked and befouled (slathered brown and filthy) with hunks of hair missing from my scalp and an occasionally pale or simply "out-of-it" appearance… joining you in the common areas in the morning or at any given time, really... (If you’re uncomfortable with people bleeding around you, you can always take some time in your wing or up in the sun where you can be alone with your thoughts).

You will notice my diet, and so my cooking, varies day-by-day according to the necessities of my artistic medium and the always changing need for particular textures and colours.

Some days, for instance, I'll only eat mustard.

The last tenant had an uncommon enjoyment of the aesthetics and smells of the place, as well with my occasional states of dizziness (he denied this, claiming that he didn't in fact enjoy the smells, but that his nose conveniently just plain didn't work... I don't believe him), however, upon discovering my personal den and the dried toilet bowl therein that I use for mixing mediums... he wasn't up to the task of our living arrangements.

I can agree with leaving the materials for my art within my wing, and if you have any inhibitions or aversions to what most would deem some very strange and ungodly personal habits, I suggest strongly that you stray as far from my wing as possible...

...that said, I do leave my bedroom doors open because I am, as previously suggested, an unabashed exhibitionist with a shameless air and a fascination for human horrors and shockings, as well as their erotic curiosities. I would always be waiting…

Please email ASAP if considering so I can begin the process of cleaning your wing.... which I'm not looking forward to, the beauty in the streaks and the compositions of the blotching is particularly wonderful in this area.



this is in or around Downtown

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests




150847636
 

Maui

TRIBE Member
Here is an apartment listing I saw yesterday.


$666 - bachelor
Reply to: hous-158677310@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-05-08, 12:47PM EDT


Alright people, your long search is over. Here is an affordable bachelor in historic, trendy Parkdale. This basement bacheor is very quiet and private. No need to worry about people looking in your windows, it doesn't have any! But that's not likely to be a big problem because with a place this small, you probably won't be spending much time here, Not to disparage this lovely cozy place, don't get me wrong. Rent is $666 all inclusive (and by all inclusive I mean hydro is paid for, That's it, Pal. Tell me, Since when did high speed internet and cable TV become part of the "all inclusive" package? Seriously, If one more person calls to ask me if the apartment comes "all inclusive" with 700 channels, free internet, natural light , I swear to God, to the moon, Alice. Where do you tenants get off being so friggin' demanding????!!!!!). Just a little humour there, if we can't laugh at ourselves then what's the point of it all eh? But I digress. This apartment is close to all amenities in the trendy strip of parkdale between Dufferin and Lansdowne, where you will find a dollar store, LCBO, several roti restaurants and a store that sells wigs. The closest grocery store is located on king street, about a ten minute walk away, but this is parkdale, so when in Rome do as the Romans do and steal a shopping cart. You can probably even find one abandoned on the street in the morning if you are lucky. As a special bonus, I will partially furnish the apartment with several items i have picked up on ebay and/or found in the trash over the last several months, including an ikea desk, several lamps(mostly operational) a loveseat that somebody was going to throw away ( I sprayed it down with febreze, so no need to worry) and some neat black velvet paintings left by a previous tenant who had decorated in sort of a white trash theme. All in all, a decent place for the money.

bloor at lansdowne google map yahoo map
 
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