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"maybe a leaky asshole" or your most surreal moment at work

Boss Hog

TRIBE Member
I don't know why I started thinking of this this morning...

When I used to work at Engineering at U of T I had a boss, a crusty old-fashioned type of boss who revelled in his old-school mentality, and a co-worker who was socially retarded (not you Sam).

Due to limited work space I was forced to work in close proximity to this co-worker, and the guy would fart non-stop during the whole day. They wouldn't be aurally intrustive or detectable, except for the rank seaweed and dead bear smell that would come from him. It was like poison gas. This went on for weeks and I started getting up and walking away every time he did it, then it got to the point where I would confront him about it directly and he would act like nothing was going on.

So finally I couldn't handle the guy's stench anymore and went to my crusty old-school boss about it. I didn't know what else to do... so we're in his office having a conversation about my coworker's farts. At one point he said to me "are you sure he doesn't have some type of problem, maybe a leaky asshole?" and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Finally they found me another working space, and I was able to keep clear of the fart monster, but to this day that moment with my boss always makes me think "did that conversation really happen?"

Anyway do you have any strange stories from work? Walking in on your boss jerking it to camel porn or anything?
 

Gizmo

TRIBE Member
http://www.tribemagazine.com/board/showthread.php?t=15525&highlight=darwin

Man, did I sacrifice some brain cells this weekend.

I'm operating at about 10% efficiency this morning. Took me about 15 minutes to log into my computers as I couldn't remember the password. (It's my first name!)

Then I got my usual breakfast of a muffin and a large chocolate milk dropped of at the desk. Was on the phone at the time. Gave the milk a solid shake and then opened up the package as is the routine. Took a bite of the muffin and then reached for the chocolate milk as I put the phone down and started watching something on CNBC.

For some reason I didn't remember I had already opened it and proceeded to give it a huge shake! Net result, a litre of chocolate milk goes spraying around the office. I've covered everything in a 20 foot radius. No one was spared, computers, co-workers, even the poor mail lady. Surprisingly I'm the only one without any on me. There was a stunned silence as I looked around in horror at what I'd done. It took about ten seconds for my co-workers to realize what had happened before the barrage of staplers, paper balls, stress balls, even a few coffee cups and various magazines were hucked my way in an attempt at revenge. At this point "the brown streak" wisely decided to break his own world record at sprinting off the floor post haste and go for a smoke break.

So I came back and everyone is surprisingly calm. Although I am sure they are secretly plotting their revenge. I'm just on the hook for a large laundry bill.

That being said, it is only 9:30 am. Please stay tuned for the disaster that is bound to occur as I attempt to microwave my lunch at about 12:00 pm EST.

Twice.
 

kaniz

TRIBE Member
You know, some days I feel like collecting little gem-stories like this I read on tribe, and publishing a book.
 

Poot

TRIBE Member
The day someone* started an electrical fire and shorted out all of the phones in the office.




*me :eek: :eek: :eek:





ps: this nowhere near equals the entertainment quotient of a leaky asshole.
 

Boss Hog

TRIBE Member
I told the same boss to "suck my dick" by accident once. He called the office and I swore it was my brother on the other end, laughing at my bungled phone greeting.

Good thing he had a sense of humour.
 
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Poot

TRIBE Member
There was the time I rushed through spell check, and inadvertently left out the "f" of the final use of "shift" in my note. I had cc'd our senior national management on this one:


Hi Andrew,

I understand that Tim has authorized a shift in our Imports/Domestic receipts plan. Will you be updating the xxxxx plan file to reflect these revisions, or do we have the go-ahead to adjust the Source Revenues annual figures ourselves?

Further, please confirm whether the total Source Revenue is to remain consistent, or whether it will be modified to reflect the receipts balance shit.

Please advise.

Thank you,

Jessica P, CA
Financial Analyst
 
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kmac

TRIBE Member
AdRiaN said:
At least you didn't request a pubic investigation into the matter.

Yeah, I copy edited an article for one of our security magazines and missed this:

"Mr. Jones is a huge proponent of CCTV cameras in pubic places."

Needless to say, Mr. Jones was PISSED. So was my editor, but as he's trying to yell at me for missing this error he starts cracking up and so did I.
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
i used to work on a cultural studies journal called "Public" and my notoriously scatter-brained editor regularly titled her emails "Pubic."
 

Poot

TRIBE Member
There was the science paper I handed in where I had inadvertently used "orgasm" rather than "organism" throughout.

Of course, that was in school, so it doesn't count.







I had to add it to my "spelling list" as a result.
 
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Mephisto

TRIBE Member
i went to a copyediting seminar a while ago and the guy holding it (some editor from the a&e section at the star) spent like 15 minutes telling stories of how many times he's been burned by pubic and how doing a "find and replace" search for "PUBIC" will save your career more than once

also, there are four s's in "assess"
 

solacevip

TRIBE Promoter
Yesterday I smelled shit in the hallway at my school. I said aloud, "I smell somthing....that doesn't smell right!" A little girl replied, "It's me....I smell bad because I cleaned out my kitty litter this morning."


:O These are the conditions in which educators have to work. :eek:
 

quantumize

TRIBE Member
solacevip said:
Yesterday I smelled shit in the hallway at my school. I said aloud, "I smell somthing....that doesn't smell right!" A little girl replied, "It's me....I smell bad because I cleaned out my kitty litter this morning."


:O These are the conditions in which educators have to work. :eek:

so did the kid shit her pants or was she just covering ?
 
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Mephisto

TRIBE Member
ok this is one that i usually save for the dinner table...

i had a trip for two bank executives to new york where they were going to eat dinner, then hop up to hartford, CT to gladhand and hobknob at some lounge before heading back to toronto. the weather that night was decent on the eastern seaboard but kinda dumpy back home. our company was busy that week and the other three birds were off on trips so the only plane left for me to take was our commuter which we primarily use for cargo but otherwise is configured for eleven people without the usual executive interior acutrements or lavatory so we only use it for short trips under 2hrs in duration since it's like the difference between riding in a limo and on the subway.

the first leg was uneventful, they went off and did their thing in new york while me and my first officer went out in searc of dinner. we were delayed for an hour on the ground for our departure because of how busy the airport was so the guys weren't too happy. one of them was pretty irate and screaming "what the fuck is going on?" and how this was "unfuckinacceptable" and "i can't believe i'm paying for this fucking bullshit" and "do you know how much money i could be losing right now?" all at me in the terminal building in front of other crews and passengers....then about ten minute later he got really quiet and didn't say much when i told them we were ready to spool up. we descend out of the murky fog into hartford on a rainy night, while disembarking the guy apologizes to me and i notice he's looking a little green but i just chalk it up to the turbulence we had coming in on approach. before getting into their car, mr angrypants says "we should be back in about two hours" and mutters something about how he thought "the shrimp cocktail at dinner was a bad idea"....
they come back and he says he's not feeling too well and that he'd appreciate it if we run 'er hot to get home asap. we blast off into the night and i tell them the weather at buttonville(our base) isn't looking so hot and there's a chance we'll have to divert to pearson because of the fog.

there's a cockpit door in our plane but i usually leave it open just so i can see how the passengers are doing and so they can come up and chat which is what i did on this night. well on the climb out buddy comes scampering up the aisle and askes greg, my copilot, where the lav on this plane is. greg tells him that it's the commuter config so there is no bathroom but we'll be on the ground in toronto 45 minutes, the guy doesn't say anything and goes back to his seat. i get greg to check on the weather at our destination and he tells me it's not looking good, low ceilings and foggy but i think it still might be do-able so it's worth a shot to shoot the approach to see if we can get in.

right about then, dude comes half running up front again and i overhear him informing greg that he's got food poisoning or something. i glance back at him over my shoulder and his face is green like the wicked witch of the west and dewey with the sweats. greg tells him there are sick bags in the seat backs and that the weather is shit but we're going to try for buttonville anyways. if it were anyone else i'd consider landing somewhere and continuing when they felt better but we were like 15 minutes from touchdown, plus it was all i could do to stay civil while this guy took a strip off me in new york in the terminal.

just as ATC issues our descent clearance, he turns back into the cabin, pauses for a second and says to greg, "a bag isn't going to do it man, it's comin' outta both ends!" greg and i exchange looks and i tell greg over our headset intercom to "uh...tell him to shit in the bucket". all the while this guy's coworker who's also a VP in the company is watching it all unfold. greg relays the message and at this point buddy is too distressed to argue, he hobbles into the back and i watch him grab the garbage bin and head to the very back of the plane.

i turn off the interior lights and tell greg to tell ATC that we're diverting and want vectors for the ILS05 into pearson. at this point it becomes obvious to the senses that there is someone defecating a stone's throw behind us. greg is copying down the new approach clearance but for some reason he hasn't read it back to the controller to confirm it. i look over and his eyes are watery and he's gagging because he's got the recirc air duct pointed right in his face. i turn the recirculating fans off and the vapor cooling flood fans to "hi" while shutting the cabin door and putting my oxygen mask on indicating to greg to do the same.....which is just as well because now when we transmit ATC can't hear the ungodly sounds that are eminating from the back of the airplane which sounds vaguely like a beached sea lion giving birth to a baby elephant. i have no idea what goes on in the back for the next ten minutes but when i shut down at pearson and opened the back door i see buddy in the back with his jacket off and shirt drenched in sweat, belt still undone, holding a tied off garbage bag and looking like he's just emergerd from a month in the amazon. his colleague is sitting five rows in front of him, leaned forward with his elbows on his knees looking at me just shaking his head haha. shrimp cocktail walks off the plane and his partner apologizes for everything and hands us (coincidentally) a brown note each for the trouble.

i've flown the guy about three or four times since and he's never looked me in the eye after that night.
 

Chris

Well-Known TRIBEr
This happened not too long ago. Went to the bank over my lunch, with protein shaker cup and top and said protein shake inside. While standing in line, I thought it would be a great idea to shake my protein up before drinking. Of course, not realizing I didn't have the lid on tight. I managed to dodge the brunt of the spray, only to nail the old lady in front of me. I've never been so embarrassed before in my life. But for some reason she handled it with class. I apologized profusely to her, and offered to pay for her dry cleaning. She took me up on coffee instead.

30 minutes and a nice conversation with a nice old bird at Starbucks we went our separate ways.
 
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