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Just Got Dumped - What do you want to hear?

sugar

TRIBE Member
I don't think I would say that to a friend who just got dumped. They might twist that in their minds and start to think that he will love HIS next gf even more than he loved her...and that would make her feel even worse.
 

ila

TRIBE Member
my mind would never go there!

I'd find something like, "the next relationship is always better than the last" comforting because it's true. you take all the bullshit you went through in the last relationship, learn from it, and make sure it doesn't happen in your next relationship.

it's like saying, "it sucks that you're hurting now, but it's all going to make you smarter and better in your next relationship"
 

rubytuesday

TRIBE Member
I can see both sides. My bottom line when it comes to ended relationships is that you broke up for a reason (reason being that you weren't right for one another).
It's human to want an ex to continue wanting and loving you more than anyone else but it's just an unrealistic ego thing, it has nothing to do with your worth as a person.
 

sugar

TRIBE Member
I agree that it's unrealistic and egotistical! Just saying that I know my mind wanders down that path, so I would be sensitive around saying something like that to someone who's just been dumped. Especially since often when someone's been dumped, it's because there IS another person entering the picture.
 
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peko

TRIBE Member
re: the original question: i liked it when my friends wouldn't listen to wallowing or tears and tough loved me by a) giving me books to read and b) forcing me to not talk about the breakup and focus on new projects/interests or just chilling out watching movies.

i have a basic rule that my gf can bitch for a % of time post-relationship based on how long their relationship was, once they go over that time limit to 'let it out'... i abort ship or tough love them. :)

the best comfort advice was 'each relationship you experience prepares you for the next relationship'. and, there are all kinds of loves to experience in a life time.

sugar, i don't think that there's is always 'another person' when a dump happens - besides, that 'relationship' is usually a rebound anyway, lol! what is worse, being dumped or being the rebound girl? LOL!! rejection just sucks because it can become more like 'what is wrong with me'.... when really 'it' has nothing to do with the dumpee. but, i guess you're right that eventually there will be 'someone else'.

p.s. ila, advise your aggro friend to take her 'energy' out on the pavement and start running, or kickboxing in the gym! :)
 

swenard

TRIBE Member
ila said:
so it went alright.

what I did was divert her attention away from the break up and then talk about other shit to make her laugh because she was really, really aggro when we were talking about the dude who dumped her and I couldn't handle it.

so basically, there were no tears, just mega amounts of bitchiness and personal attacks hurled at me and pretty much everyone else in her life. totally didn't see that coming. thanks for nothing, a-holes!!

I kid.

but yeah, beware of the volatile friend who just got dumped. I think at one point she even said my mother was a whore.

No wonder he dumped her, lol.
 

ila

TRIBE Member
Yeah.

I would have dumped her two years before this guy did. She was MENTAL during their relationship. Just mental.
 

Soulster

TRIBE Member
i haven't read through all of this thread, but i'd like to add my two cents, even if someone has already said it:

you mentioned she'll probably be inconsolable. you're probably right. so your main job is to LISTEN.

don't talk much. don't even give much advice, if any. just listen to her, support her in how she's feeling and let her cry, scream and vent for as long as she wants and let her feel like she can do that with you again if she needs to at any time of the day or night.

support what she says, give her a bit of physical comfort (hugs, pats on the thigh, or a bit of a rub on her back) if it feels right to do so, and tell her you empathize with her. Let her know that you think it's totally valid for her to feel angry, hurt and sad, embarrassed, frustrated, vulnerable, or whatever else she tells you she's feeling.

above all: keep your judgements of her feelings, her relationship and her ex-boyfriend to yourself!
 

Soulster

TRIBE Member
eesh. just read what happened with her after i wrote that post.

sounds like she's dealing with more demons than you should be expected to take on as her friend!

sorry it was such a negative experience for you ila.
 
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rubytuesday

TRIBE Member
One of my best friends has just broken up with her very longterm bf.

He wanted to take a break (conveniently right when he's just moved out into his own place, she was supposed to move in any day now) and stay best friends but she said either they break up fully or they work things out properly, together.

She didn't even know there was a problem, I'm suspecting he's met someone else or wants to fuck around, or both. I've never been a huge fan of her ex so I hope it sticks. She's smart and gorgeous and really really kind hearted and I've always felt like he doesn't appreciate her.

She sounds ok but I wish I was in TO so I could hang out with her.
 

ila

TRIBE Member
That's pretty gross.

I never get how people don't suspect there's a problem before the breakup. I mean, really? Nothing? One day perfection, next day he's living in a bachelor pad and banging honeys?
 

~decepticon~

TRIBE Promoter
That's pretty gross.

I never get how people don't suspect there's a problem before the breakup. I mean, really? Nothing? One day perfection, next day he's living in a bachelor pad and banging honeys?

Don't you remember judge judy last night? Sometime shit happens and you need to get out and leave your dog and everything...
 

dr. claw

Member
That's pretty gross.

I never get how people don't suspect there's a problem before the breakup. I mean, really? Nothing? One day perfection, next day he's living in a bachelor pad and banging honeys?

haha, you watch Judge Judy

;p
 
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MissBlu

TRIBE Member
That's pretty gross.

I never get how people don't suspect there's a problem before the breakup. I mean, really? Nothing? One day perfection, next day he's living in a bachelor pad and banging honeys?

people are pretty sneaky.
one day everything is great, next day you catch them banging your neighbour - it happens all the time. and it is definitely gross.
 

rubytuesday

TRIBE Member
Yeah I've never trusted this guy. He cheated on her once years ago and she got over it but I never did. They were together for over 8 years, he used to take her for granted but he seemed to change for the better at some point. But now he's saying he wants to know what life is like without her and take a break, which is code for screwing other people.

At least he's telling her though, I always respect honesty.
 

MCN

TRIBE Member
She needs to watch the movie "He's just not that into you"
it's an UBER chic flick based on a novel but kinda smacks some sense into you

message: why WANT to be with a guy who doesn't want to be with you

if they would have stayed together it would have been more of her invested time waisted while she could be finding mr. right
 

rubytuesday

TRIBE Member
She doesn't want to be with him, she's moving on and gets that he's being shitty and she doesn't want a shitty bf.

It's still hard to feel like you're losing your best friend after such a long time together and I wish I could be there for her. My hope is she will be independent and stay single for a while, she's got a great job, a great social life and lots of other stuff going for her.
 
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praktik

TRIBE Member
Yeah I've never trusted this guy. He cheated on her once years ago and she got over it but I never did. They were together for over 8 years, he used to take her for granted but he seemed to change for the better at some point. But now he's saying he wants to know what life is like without her and take a break, which is code for screwing other people.

At least he's telling her though, I always respect honesty.

cheaters never prosper

I heard that somewhere
 
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