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Joke Thread

Chris

Well-Known TRIBEr
Just got this one from a fellow employee here. I cant believe she sent this. Anyway I thought I would share this for a chuckle.

Enjoy, The yogert comment got me laughing!

----------------------------------------
"Dear Terri:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The
day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In
my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess mypride needed that.

I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of usdoes. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see,
but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met
this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect
bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought,
look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so
surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?

Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it
make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my
moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really
thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It
wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know that I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby.

Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything
I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the
next thing you know we're fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.)

You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You
get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose
sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me.

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because
I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by
with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier
times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although,
let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal
thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the
grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I
think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much.
Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri?

It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you. Because I love you."
 
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Cobra Commander

TRIBE Member
Jokes guaranteed to offend almost everyone...

What's blue and fucks old people?
Hypothermia

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of
the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her

How do you swat 200 flies at one time
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen.

What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhoea

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an
irritating cunt once in a while too.

Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
Better traction in the mud.

What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at
least 13 years old.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

What do you get when you cross two black people?
Your ass kicked.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty
miles an hour.

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.

What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education
on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when
it is bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand...

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean
the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
:D
 

Evil Dynovac

TRIBE Member
/\/\/\ some good ones in there.

The one I saw today (on Tribe) was


A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street. A little boy crosses their path.

The Priest says: 'Hey let's fuck him!'

The rabbi say: 'Out of what?'
 

Soundstream

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Cobra Commander
How do you swat 200 flies at one time
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
When I made a joke about saying that an authentic Ethiopian restaurant includes the flies in it, I essentially got "hit in the face with a frying pan" (metaphorically speaking) by some Tribers who felt I was being racist/insensitive.

Cheers ... Ian :)
 
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stir-fry

TRIBE Member
the pope's meal


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new catholic church was constructed and the pope was to give a great speech at dinner for the opening ceremony.
Hours before the pope's arrival, the head priest decided to tour the 20+ acres of beautiful rolling property the church sat upon.
After walking for a few minutes, the priest came across a stream and noticed a fisherman was peacefully enjoying his sport.
Although the man was trespassing, the priest approached him and asked "Would you mind if I gave that a try?"
"Sure father", the man replied. "Be my guest."
With rod in hand, the priest cast away and proceeded to reel in the line, when all of a sudden he got a huge hit.
After over a half hour of struggle, the priest finally landed the fish. It was HUGE!!!
"Father," the fisherman said, "you got that sonofabitch!"
"My son I am a man of the cloth. How dare you use that language in my presence!" the priest replied.
"No father, you don't understand. Sonofabitch is this fish's name."
Amused the priest asked if he could "keep that sonofabitch", to which the fisherman agreed since it was caught on church property.
The happy priest ran quickly back to the church where he was greeted by a nun. "Sister," he exclaimed. "Go clean this sonofabitch and have the chef prepare it for tonight's dinner with the pope."
"Father you cannot use that language." replied the nun.
"No sister. It's OK. That is this fish's correct name. The fisherman told me so."
So the nun proceeds to the kitchen, cleans the fish and sets it in front of the chef then boldly states "The priest wishes this sonofabitch to be prepared as the main course for tonight's dinner with the pope."
As the chef was about to speak the nun interjected "Hey, the priest says that's what kind of fish this is, so it's OK."
Hours pass and the pope finally arrives where he is lead to an extravegant dining room and seated across from the priest and the nun.
The chef comes out with a large platter, on it a beautiful looking prepared fish. The pope smiles.
"I caught that sonofabitch." says the priest to the pope.
"And I cleaned that sonofabitch." said the nun.
"And I cooked that sonofabitch." said the chef.
With that, the pope looks sternly across the table at the sinners, reaches into his pocket and removes a whiskey flask, takes a sip and says "You know, you fuckers are alright!"
 

stir-fry

TRIBE Member
Jesus & Co tackle drugs


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus and his disciples were discussing the worlds current drugs problem, when they decided the only way to understand the drugs problem was to try the drugs for themselves. So Jesus sent his disciples to the four corners of the earth to bring back all kinds of narcotics for testing.

Several weeks later there's a knock on the door. Jesus opens the door.

"Mark! what have you brought back for us?"

"Hash from Morocco my Lord."

"Well done Mark."

There's another knock on the door.

"Peter! what have you brought back?"

"Marijuana from Bolivia my lord."

Another knock on the door.

"Mathew! what have you brought back?"

"Cocaine from Columbia my Lord."

Another Knock.

"John! what have you brought back?"

"Crack from New York my Lord."

Another Knock.

"Paul! what have you brought back?"

"Heroin from Afganistan my Lord."

Then finally, there's a knock on the door as Judas turns up.

"Judas! what have you brought back for us?"

"FBI motherfuckers, this is a bust."
 

J e l o

TRIBE Member
Seasons Greetings!

On Christmas Eve 3 Men pass away and are whisked before the Pearly Gates and St.Peter. Normally asking quiz questions, that day the Saint decides to go easy and asks the Men to simply display an item that they've passed on with that represents the Christmas spirit.
The first Man steps up and fumbles about and finds a lighter. He lights it up and a flame comes forth and the Man says "This Flame is a representation of the candles that are lit on Christmas Eve by Families around the world."
The Saint nods and smiles and grants the Man entrance.
The second Man steps forward and he too searches for an item and finds his keychain which jingles when he shakes it saying "This is the sound of the Church Bells ringing on this important Night."
The Saint nods and smiles and grants him entrance too.
The third Man is really looking hard through his pockets and finally brandishes a Thong.
St.Peter Looks at this Man and says "What is that supposed to represent?"
"It's Carols."
 
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PolishPrincess

TRIBE Member
Re: Seasons Greetings!

Originally posted by J e l o
On Christmas Eve 3 Men pass away and are whisked before the Pearly Gates and St.Peter. Normally asking quiz questions, that day the Saint decides to go easy and asks the Men to simply display an item that they've passed on with that represents the Christmas spirit.
The first Man steps up and fumbles about and finds a lighter. He lights it up and a flame comes forth and the Man says "This Flame is a representation of the candles that are lit on Christmas Eve by Families around the world."
The Saint nods and smiles and grants the Man entrance.
The second Man steps forward and he too searches for an item and finds his keychain which jingles when he shakes it saying "This is the sound of the Church Bells ringing on this important Night."
The Saint nods and smiles and grants him entrance too.
The third Man is really looking hard through his pockets and finally brandishes a Thong.
St.Peter Looks at this Man and says "What is that supposed to represent?"
"It's Carols."

knee slapper
 
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