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Inspirational Jail Stint Lifts Nawberry From Crafting Doldrums

nawberry

TRIBE Member
Inspirational Jail Stint Lifts Nawberry From Crafting Doldrums


Just spent four months my life living in a crafters paradise
- Nawberry feat. Coolio, the RZA, Yella, and MC Ren


----

It is funny how things work out sometimes in this crazy world of ours.

A world in which even a straight laced guy like me can easily find himself in some of the oddest and most dangerous scenarios on a near weekly basis without having done anything out of the ordinary to invite such happenings.

And for some reason, for me, much of these random mishaps stem from my harmless pursuit of crafting abd/or visits to the "Venue".

An example of such random crafting related nuttery* occurred last fall I got charged, or as they say on the streets- "remanded and held in custody pending trial" for scraping zebra mussel and/or stealing engine parts from the back (starboard) of large ships one finds in the channels of the Toronto port-lands area.

Looking back on things, I really shouldn't have retained that fresh-faced paralegal that specialized in non-complicated boilerplate wills to represent me because the jury didn't even have to deliberate, or say or do anything, before they found me guilty.

So I was off to jail for a few months, and was excited... but for whatever reason, nevertheless also slightly apprehensive about how it would be there (frosh jitters I guess).

But that all changed from that first moment I boarded* that small and smelly Correction Canada Bus headed to Milhurst that the other guys named "the grey goose", as it was then that I began to get the idea that this jail stint would be just the ticket to lift me out of my crafting doldrums, while also saving on rent.

Boy was I right, penitentiaries are a fuckin groundswell of crafting innovation, inventiveness, and looneygolgary... innovation, inventiveness, and looneygolgary of which I was a beneficiary through observation and question asking.

HGTV personality Mike Holmes was in there, but all he would do is complain about the weeping tile, that is until he cell mate made him weep tile, after that he didn't complain anymore.

Since being inside, my crafting has improved tenfold, and Doris' new boyfriend won't fuck with me anymore, cause he now knows that I am not afraid to bring tha noise jailhouse stylee.

To illustrate the rate at which one learns to craft while in jail, I had already learned, by only the end of my second day inside to:

A) hide, and relocate, an ounce of coke within my big toe without even having to touch my toe; and,

B) had mastered the art of setting ablaze an entire south wing of a building using only some gumption, dental floss, and diluted apple juice.


By the end of the first week I had even learned (through necessity) how to amputate a grossly-infected big toe with an egg shell.

If you are a crafter in search of inspiration, no question, jail-folk are some of the most wacky and creative mofos I have ever had the pleasure of being around...
And so long as one overlooks the majority of them that are bad apples with a propensity to viciously beat one and other on a near-daily basis and/or throw their pee on me semi-hourly, you can meet some real hep cats in the pen.

I mean my jail friends even came up with this wacky mechanism that made it so that I somehow got doused in my own urine ever time I raised my arm above my belt-line! We all would joke about how I smelled like dead alley-cat when not in lock down or watching Dr. Phil.


(*crafting related nuttery in the sense of crazy events that have have occurred as a consequence of me doing a craft, not crafting related nuttery meaning making crafts out of peanuts and other hard legumes, which I am sure will be the subject of another thread).

Here are some pics of my jail-house crafting:


This was my cell, I was able to accomplish the podging effect on the bars by using discarded mash potatoes and white glue, the distressed effect must have been done by the previous tenant:





-------

I was able to turn an old, bloody, and rusted brass shank into this much needed toothbrush for my fight against tartar:




...but as it turned out ,I would have liked to been have been ale to use that shank in my fight against Bruno, how funnily enough in that true Murphy's Law and Mentos Commercial type fashion knocked-out most of the very teeth that were winning their battle against tartar.

------


I also made this trumpeter swan out of plastic forks and elastic, but that jerk guard took it away for some reason (jealousy):






 
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derek

TRIBE Member
i saw mc ren the other day naws; he said watch your back. something about a craft turkey that wouldn't gobble.

 
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judge wopner

TRIBE Member
nawberry[I said:
...but as it turned out ,I would have liked to been have been ale to use that shank in my fight against Bruno, how funnily enough in that true Murphy's Law and Mentos Commercial type fashion knocked-out most of the very teeth that were winning their battle against tartar.

gold sir.
pure gold.
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
Rude1_247 said:
stern, dude.... STERN!

Under the British system of commercial vessel side classification the back of a ship is a "stern", under the Toronto Harbour Commission system it is referred to as "Starboard".

They call it Starboard in Toronto because of the back entrance of Captain John's is where movie celebrities such as Samuel L. and Donnie Walberg sneak in for Toronto Film Festival seafood buffets and film screenings.

Wouldn't it be funny if the moderate star Daniel Stern boarded Captain John's from the back entrance?

That kind of shit really blows my mind.
 
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nawberry

TRIBE Member
Prickly Pete said:
I would like to know how long it takes to write these

As evidenced by the spelling mistakes and lack of chutzpah this one was a quickie.

My baloney thread (my masterpiece) was the culmination of nearly a decade of research, revisions, and baloney-eating.
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
Rude1_247 said:
Omgwhatifhebowedwhiledrinkingporttoo?!?!?!
Then his emotions would extend from the depths to the summit i.e. he would find himself perfect balance.

I hope to one day find myself in perfect balance, but I seem to be heaidng in the wrong direction.
 

Agent Smith

TRIBE Member
Nawberry, you need to hit the studio and record some sea-faring songs with a raw just-from-jail feel. Here are some suggested tunes:

Back Off My Stern or I'll Cut Ya' With a Zebra Mussel
I'm Gonna Dock My Fist With Your Face
Livin' in a Sea of Money and Hoes
Yo Ho Ho... I Am Drunk
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
Agent Smith said:
Nawberry, you need to hit the studio and record some sea-faring songs with a raw just-from-jail feel. Here are some suggested tunes:

Back Off My Stern or I'll Cut Ya' With a Zebra Mussel
I'm Gonna Dock My Fist With Your Face
Livin' in a Sea of Money and Hoes
Yo Ho Ho... I Am Drunk

I likey....Ain't nothing but a sea thing baby.
 
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eLeKTRon

TRIBE Member
Kind Sir, please tell me what <<substances>> inspire you to pen such masterpieces of creative wit?

Whatever it is, I really REALLY want some. :D
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
eLeKTRon said:
Kind Sir, please tell me what <<substances>> inspire you to pen such masterpieces of creative wit?

Whatever it is, I really REALLY want some. :D

I eat a lot of weird cheeses.

I look for ones that have labels that seem as if they are homemade.
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
AgentSanchez said:
Did you just make up this application of the word 'crafting' ?
No, actually it was Doris from Lewiscraft that came up with the word crafting. She had a way with words..and crafts…and she did this tongue thing that….oh I miss her so.

I did, however, come up with the word “dorised”, it means to be heartbroken.

I also coined the phrase “big mac attack” in reference to being hit really hard by certain strong pills that were around in late 1999, McDonald’s later stole my idea to boost its decline burger sales. Doris invented “whopper” but not in reference to me.
 
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BassQueen

TRIBE Member
groovespinna said:
pink big macs were just bloody awesome. dirtiest little short stack pills ever.
Goodness I remember those.

In fact I remember doing 5 in one night at a Halloween rave. Ranks in the top ten of fuckedness achieved over the years. I'm high just thinking about it.

Plus they took about 10 minutes to kick in, and you were seeing stars in no time.

Good times!

I'm also one of the #1 fans of the big mac meal. Ate one today actually...good!
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
nawberry said:
No, actually it was Doris from Lewiscraft that came up with the word crafting. She had a way with words..and crafts…and she did this tongue thing that….oh I miss her so.

I did, however, come up with the word “dorised”, it means to be heartbroken.

I also coined the phrase “big mac attack” in reference to being hit really hard by certain strong pills that were around in late 1999, McDonald’s later stole my idea to boost its decline burger sales. Doris invented “whopper” but not in reference to me.
this: <3 does not do my feelings justice.
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
squirrely said:
this: <3 does not do my feelings justice.
You have feelings for Doris too?

Something about her makes her stick to one's soul, like the glue that she peddles, only figuratively.
 

veteze

TRIBE Promoter
i don't get it. did the coke in your toes have something do with the big one falling off?
 
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