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I broke up.

kuba

TRIBE Member
:(
Boo!

After four years (and a bit more) I broke up with my honey last night.

It feels shitty to write it let alone think about it but "its for the best" whatever that means.

Were like best friends, we do it all together, now its time to get a life again.

Thing is I think I dont want to do it but if its not done now we might never work out so I guess its more of a break.

Tips needed: how to deal with being alone again? Is the grass greener in singleland? If I feel wrong about it, shouldnt we just work on our issues together rather than apart?

AND the sasha line was wayyy too long without having a ticket.

Word.
 

KillaLadY

TRIBE Member
I am sorry to hear that... I am currently having problems with my b/f of 3 years and I am so afraid that it will end up just like you. I love him, but we constantly fight and... we both changed...

I don't know, maybe we will find each other again.

As for you... if it wasn't meant to be, that is because the grass IS greener on the other side. It means that the right one for you is still waiting, so take your time... get to know yourself and spend time with yourself and make yourself happy. Once you do that, everything will fall into place.

Good luck.
 

kuba

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by KillaLadY
I am sorry to hear that... I am currently having problems with my b/f of 3 years and I am so afraid that it will end up just like you. I love him, but we constantly fight and... we both changed...

Yo that sounds EXACTLY like what I 've been going through over the past 6-12 months. We fought over little things that blew up into big things. We made each other miserable sometimes. I think I am ready to be friends with her at this stage of the game because although were off now, the overall picture might end up with me and her. BUT i guess what I would say to you is what people said to me: dont be afraid and take a break.

We'll see. good luck 2 u 2.
 

Eclectic

TRIBE Member
Um

Yeah, I'm going through that right now.


But mine has a twist.


I think she's cheating on me with one of my best friends.


This sucks..........my gut won't stop churning when I think about it.
 

junglisthead

TRIBE Member
how easy people give in

relationships go through the nitpicking, and fighting, for the main reason you know each other so damm well, its similar to a brother/sister relationship

anger is another emotion, therefore it is healthy to display it with you partner once and awhile, safely that is, once you realize that anger and frustration is just another emotion that you can easily share with your spouse, the less of a problem it becomes, and in fact the less the fighting occurs

my fiance and myself, understand this and are now going on 8yrs, very happily

in your case qtip i think you are just trying to find a way out, of the relationship, you were bored or succumbed to the pressure of people telling you single life is great

if you cant handle little problems..........then i wonder how you deal with real big problems
 
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Deus

TRIBE Member
Wow, everyone is breaking up. I'm in the same boat too. It's pretty tough to lose someone after getting to know them, and getting intimate. I don't know what to do, I want to keep her, but our relationship is just not what it should be. And I know it, but I just can't bear the though of not having her around.
 

junglisthead

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Deus
Wow, everyone is breaking up. I'm in the same boat too. It's pretty tough to lose someone after getting to know them, and getting intimate. I don't know what to do, I want to keep her, but our relationship is just not what it should be. And I know it, but I just can't bear the though of not having her around.
well congrads in realizing life changes, and so to does the relationship, it will never be the same as the romantic, butterfly feeling as it was at the start, but during the ups and downs a new relationship occurs and new feelings occur

noone ever said it was easy, it takes alot of dedication

too many people wimper out
 

deep

TRIBE Member
jaded, but eyes wide open

There's a difference between feeling as though you've made a mistake, and needlessly second guessing yourself about the bottom line fact that things feel more bad than good. Mourning the loss of the good aspects of the relationship from your life is unavoidable. After all, if there wasn't anything to miss or be sad about, why would one even be in such a relationship?

Ultimately I think in any relationship you can drive yourself insane viewing patterns of interpersonal interaction as being subject to change, so long as there is love, communication, understanding, patience, devotion. That kind of shit seems really nice on paper and romantic movies but in the real world things just don't work out that way. Sometimes the cold and hard truth is that the effort required from both parties to make things work is just way above and beyond the effort that would be required to derive happiness from a new / different relationship. There are countless people out there in the world, many of them damned beautiful, many of them unique personalities, many of them with good hearts (if I believed in a soul I'd say that too). Usually when we think only our ex-lover possessed these attributes and no one else do things hurt like a bitch.

Unfortunately there isn't a shut off switch for memories, for longing. The core of romantic / passionate love is idealization, so long as you idealize your partner, it'll hurt. It's interesting, a study on university aged males showed that those who scored high on ratings of idealism not only believed more passionately about "love" in life but also had higher incidences and intensities of depression. All you can really do is focus on living your life, redefining it without the other person, trying to fill the roles they singly played through many other people.

The grass can appear green or withered either side, if you so choose to look at it that way. I think that thinking of happiness as existent in only one option and not the other is bullshit. If you can convince or lie to yourself that where you're at is the best place you can be, you'll be happy (whether you're trying to work things out or not). Blowing sunshine up your ass is the cornerstone of optimism, optimism is the cornerstone of having faith in the future, having faith in the future lets you let go of the past.

What to do specifically? Go porn crazy and alternate hands for the sex drive. Fuck someone if you want and don't feel guilty about caring about your own happiness since your ex obviously doesn't. DON'T listen to any shit that meant anything to you guys, just throw it out. Don't get on the self indulgent trip of listening to depressing music, it'll only make you feel worse in the long run. Whatever the hesitancy you may have towards throwing out other reminders of your relationship, get over it and do it anyways even if you regret it initially. Everytime you think of them say "fuck 'em". People can only hurt you if you give them that right. Decide when it's time to just leave shit in the past rather than think about it - what's done is done, that was in the past, you are here now. Get out any leftover anger/frustration through constructive means (physical exercise is great for venting). Meditate to clear your head of the shit you wish you could just bury. Socialize every damned moment you can, and especially when you don't feel like it. Give yourself to others when you don't think you have a damned thing left because it will atleast get your mind off your own feelings. Don't get onto the self pity downward spiral, self pity is the loathsome hallmark of the loser in life. Drugs and booze may just be blinders to your feelings but sometimes distractions are beneficial. Never underestimate the importance of distractions. Work on yourself, make yourself better than the person you were with them so you move onto better things in your life. Tell yourself (lie if necessary) that whatever actions or decisions you did, it seemed the best possible at the time, and that while hindsight is 20/20, all you can do is forgive yourself and take measures to ensure you don't make the same mistakes in the future. Recognize that existence is suffering in some form or another (go team buddha!), and as such all human beings have the right to try and minimize that suffering in whatever ways they can. Let's you go on with your life and not be upset at the fact that your ex is doing the same, with or without you.

It's all about emotional momentum. Breakups can be the trigger point for some of the most dramatic changes in people's lives, whether those changes are for the better or the worse really depends more on how you deal with it than it does what the other person actually meant.
 
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deep

TRIBE Member
Re: Um

Originally posted by Eclectic
Yeah, I'm going through that right now.


But mine has a twist.


I think she's cheating on me with one of my best friends.


This sucks..........my gut won't stop churning when I think about it.
Really sorry to hear that Mark. :(
 

Rosey

TRIBE Member
well, i'm on the other side of the fence now.

i went out with my girlfriend for over three years, age 16-19. when it ended we still totally loved each other, but we'd changed and were going different directions, and that resulted in us making each other miserable to some extent. it wasn't like we didn't want to be together, but we both knew it wasn't working. so it ended.

i left toronto for like four months almost immediately after, school was over and went out west to cut trees. we wrote a couple of letters and talked on the phone a bit in that time, and we ended up staying friends when i got back. over the next three/four years we would get together for a cup of coffee every month or so, just to see how the other was doing. there were a couple of longer periods (4 & 6 months) where we didn't really see or talk to each other. we both dated other people and sorta lived it up in the time we were apart.

then, over last summer, after 4 years apart we started seeing more and more of each other and talked about it and gave it a shot. we 'formally' got back together just before summer's end and things have been gold ever since.

i guess the point of this story is that our relationship is living proof of the cheesey 'if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours forever' adage.

maybe the time just isn't right for you and her.
 
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deep

TRIBE Member
Another thing that I think bears mentioning is asking yourself why you miss your ex - if it's the security of a tried and true relationship that you really miss. A friend of mine once said that relationships are like leather, once they're broken in you can get comfortable to things. That being said, I think it's stupid to lament a lost relationship just because it's safer and more secure than taking your chances with a new one. Doing a gut check and going in blazing may mean having something better than what you had before.

It's funny how people will mourn the loss of a bad relationship, just because they've had more time to have it ingrained in their consciousness, and how little consideration will be given to new potentially rewarding opportunities, simply because they haven't experienced them yet. Doesn't mean they don't exist.
 

deep

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by junglisthead
how easy people give in

relationships go through the nitpicking, and fighting, for the main reason you know each other so damm well, its similar to a brother/sister relationship

anger is another emotion, therefore it is healthy to display it with you partner once and awhile, safely that is, once you realize that anger and frustration is just another emotion that you can easily share with your spouse, the less of a problem it becomes, and in fact the less the fighting occurs

my fiance and myself, understand this and are now going on 8yrs, very happily

in your case qtip i think you are just trying to find a way out, of the relationship, you were bored or succumbed to the pressure of people telling you single life is great

if you cant handle little problems..........then i wonder how you deal with real big problems
No offense bro, but basically anytime anyone has a relationship problem you've been known to state that it's something they gotta stick out or fight through. Fuck that. We're young, life is to be lived, many mistakes will be made in the progress, who cares, move on. You may have decided that it was best for you to work through whatever shit it was you had to with your now fiancee but that decision may not be right for everyone. I'd ask you to consider whether or not you offer the suggestion of working shit out because it makes you feel better about the decisions you've made or conversely belittles others for doing what you didn't do.

I think it's wrong to suggest that people are trying to find a way out, being cowards, etc. just because a relationship may have gone to shit. Nor is it fair to make estimations on how someone handles conflict simply because they don't give a fuck about a relationship anymore. Arguably the coping strategies employed by those who do take breakups well are indicative of BETTER conflict management, not worse.
 

PosTMOd

Well-Known TRIBEr
Originally posted by deep
No offense bro, but basically anytime anyone has a relationship problem you've been known to state that it's something they gotta stick out or fight through.
No, deep, everyone must do exactly what junglisthead does, because everyone is exactly like junglisthead.

I'm going to a jungle party tonight, because I think that's what junglisthead would want me to do.
 

madnezz

TRIBE Member
Re: jaded, but eyes wide open

Originally posted by deep
It's interesting, a study on university aged males showed that those who scored high on ratings of idealism not only believed more passionately about "love" in life but also had higher incidences and intensities of depression.
hey deep- do you remember which study this was? I am REALLY interested in seeing it!!!!

ps- you hit on some really good points deep

pps- I love that quote Rosey- about setting what you love free *S*

adios
Laura
 
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junglisthead

TRIBE Member
and vise versa to you deep, your opinions are just as much just another ideal among many

however, relationships are all about sticking it out, it shows commitment(the scary word), it shows strength, and the willingness to sort anything out just to be with the person

and for the mistakes comment, why make mistakes just for the sake of it ?? why not minimize the chances of mistakes, by making the right choices to begin with......it is quite easy to do

it so typical of our society to find quick answers and solutions, there is no time to learn and understand, if the answer is not there, move on............. basically deep thats what your posts boil down to
 

PosTMOd

Well-Known TRIBEr
Originally posted by junglisthead
noone ever said it was easy, it takes alot of dedication

too many people wimper out
You know what?

I've now been with my girlfriend for 2 years, and it is the ONLY relationship I've had that I haven't put in ANY work.

We've been angry at each other for a grand total of probably 5 minutes over 2 years (2 years= just over a million minutes).

Some people just don't know when to call it quits.

And before you say a thing, let me tell you, I've had a 5 year relationship, and a 3 year relationship... I put work and dedication in to those, but now I wish I would've known what I know now... though, we are all still friends.
 

junglisthead

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by PosTMOd


No, deep, everyone must do exactly what junglisthead does, because everyone is exactly like junglisthead.

I'm going to a jungle party tonight, because I think that's what junglisthead would want me to do.
here we go..........blah blah, i dont know you therefore your crediblity is shit...........blah blah blah, then lets make a quick witty joke so i look good
 

junglisthead

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by PosTMOd


You know what?

I've now been with my girlfriend for 2 years, and it is the ONLY relationship I've had that I haven't put in ANY work.

We've been angry at each other for a grand total of probably 5 minutes over 2 years (2 years= just over a million minutes).

Some people just don't know when to call it quits.

And before you say a thing, let me tell you, I've had a 5 year relationship, and a 3 year relationship... I put work and dedication in to those, but now I wish I would've known what I know now... though, we are all still friends.
question why the 2 years with this girl has been easy.........because you know the routine of the relationship wheel

ill bet anything that within another few months, things will begin to change, all of a sudden small problems will occur.......then what will you do, still take it easy...........not work with the relationship, and just let it slide.........??
 
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Originally posted by qtip
Tips needed: how to deal with being alone again?
It's not easy. You have to keep yourself busy and make sure that you don't spend too much time on your own, or odds are that you'll be thinking about it more. That's not to say you shouldn't be, just not thinking about it too much. Eventually, you might want to take some time out and think and assess everything you and she have gone through, but I often feel that that comes at a later time, when you're a little less emotionally charged. For now, find friends and take refuge in them, and by all means make it very clear to them that you don't want to hear from them about how they might have run into her and what she's been doing. That's baiting you into a pretty lousy situation and might have you fall back and lose any ground that you might have gained to getting over her. Out of sight, out of mind. You might want to think about getting rid of reminders of her, as you are in a sense starting a new chapter in your life. And a better one at that.


Is the grass greener in singleland?
It's what you make of it plain and simple. You can choose either to enjoy your time (which I found helped heal the pain a bit quicker), or loathe it. I recommend making the most of what you have and enjoying yourself. If you treat yourself well, you're more likely to be happy, and will be more likely to attract someone new.

If I feel wrong about it, shouldnt we just work on our issues together rather than apart?


But then the question begs to be asked: When is enough, enough? I know it might seem shitty right now that you guys might have shared a lot, and this would definitely seem like something you can work out together, but the reality is; one of you two can't keep trying right now. And it's her loss for not being able to. You may have the drive, but you can't make something work if only one of you is willing to invest the effort into it. Being in a relationship is work, first and foremost, and both parties have to be willing to put forth the effort. If one of you breaks down, that's their own problem, not yours. And think of it this way: do you really want to be with someone that might be giving up on you when you can still go? No, because that's just saying that it might happen again, and you'd have to shoulder much of the work and responsibility. Again, it's their loss more than it is yours.

Don't hang onto something because it's been a long time. Hang onto it because it was good. A healthy, mature relationship is so easy, fun and very recognizable, as you know that you're doing the right things and hitting that right balance. It's unfortunate that you had this happen, but you now have a benchmark (in an abstract sense, by no means should you be comparing your last relationship to your next) of the minimum level of happiness that you want and should expect. Keep that in mind, but get yourself ready and take some time to get re-acquainted with yourself first. You need to get back in touch with who you are as an individual and not as one half of a relationship.

Drop me a line anytime brother. I went through a very similar situation five years ago, when I broke up with my g/f of four years. It was tough, but I managed.

From the Ministry of all the best and keep your self happy first and foremost. And by all means, do not talk about her for the next month if you can.

Prime Minister Highsteppa
 

PosTMOd

Well-Known TRIBEr
Originally posted by junglisthead
here we go..........blah blah, i dont know you therefore your crediblity is shit...........blah blah blah, then lets make a quick witty joke so i look good
Here we go... let's not read what anyone else writes, because EVERYONE MUST KNOW THAT I WILL STICK IT OUT NO MATTER HOW WRONG AND SHITTY MY RELATIONSHIP IS.

I wish I could be a martyr too, and espouse the virtues of being in a shit relationship.
 

PosTMOd

Well-Known TRIBEr
Originally posted by junglisthead
question why the 2 years with this girl has been easy.........because you know the routine of the relationship wheel

ill bet anything that within another few months, things will begin to change, all of a sudden small problems will occur.......then what will you do, still take it easy...........not work with the relationship, and just let it slide.........??
Hey, kid, we've been living together for a year as well...

You are a complete and utter moron if you think you can even pretend to know what my relationship is like.

On the other hand, I know all about you: you were dropped on your head. A few times, I bet.
 

deep

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by junglisthead
and vise versa to you deep, your opinions are just as much just another ideal among many


True. But I've also said that I think it can be an intellectual toss up, to go one way or another in a relationship. Human beings are perfectly capable of lying to themselves about the quality of their situation. We can treat others in ways that they either deserve or don't deserve to be treated in. We're also capable of having biased perceptions of situations. All of these things question the absolute right or wrongness about one path or the other.

however, relationships are all about sticking it out, it shows commitment(the scary word), it shows strength, and the willingness to sort anything out just to be with the person
This is a good point, but I still don't think that showing a level of commitment for someone who may not be worth it is particularly healthy. There are countless examples of people who are devoid in self esteem, taking shit or abuse from another person and remaining devoted. In many instances, one of the adages they'll tell to themselves is some bullshit about commitment. For me, I don't think commitment is something you should have to think about. If things are good, it comes naturally. If things aren't worth it, then it's a challenge. But you are correct in that I think it is an acquired skill to learn how to resolve problems constructively in relationships. I think that it's not just that we find better love as life goes on, but we become better at loving and being loved by others.

and for the mistakes comment, why make mistakes just for the sake of it ?? why not minimize the chances of mistakes, by making the right choices to begin with......it is quite easy to do
I don't think that life's choices can be easily distilled into black and white right or wrong categories. Usually with sufficient analysis a case can be made for anything. I agree with minimizing mistakes, not repeating the same ones of the past, but I also think that mistakes are often the most powerful educators for a lot of people. Atleast it's been my experience that people are most motivated to change and learn when they've fucked up.

it so typical of our society to find quick answers and solutions, there is no time to learn and understand, if the answer is not there, move on............. basically deep thats what your posts boil down to
No, I think there's a place for both quick fixes and prolonged efforts, I just don't think that the applicability of either is as clear cut as we sometimes think they are. Each person is unique? Yes. Consequently what they share with another unique individual is going to be unique. And therefore have a greater chance of having a unique solution, which may not be applicable to someone else's situation.
 

junglisthead

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by PosTMOd


Here we go... let's not read what anyone else writes, because EVERYONE MUST KNOW THAT I WILL STICK IT OUT NO MATTER HOW WRONG AND SHITTY MY RELATIONSHIP IS.

I wish I could be a martyr too, and espouse the virtues of being in a shit relationship.
just another reply the proves without a doubt you dont know me....good job sherlock
 
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