I am so confused... I don't know what to do...

[MoFo]

I found a place for the summer. I really want to take a "pseudo-vacation" away from home. I can't take it here. My parents constantly alienate me and they have no idea who I am anymore.

It's partly my fault and a lot of it has to do with my father's animosity towards me.

So when my dad got home from work, I told them about a plan I had for this summer. I had just confirmed a great-paying summer position and rent for this place would be about 1/4 of my monthly salary. I'm getting a really good deal and it's a chance to live the independent life, something I really need right now. School is VERY important to me and I want to continue my full-time studies in September as planned and head to NYC in January. I just wanted 3 months away, to work my full-time job, to test out living on my own.

I never raised my voice. Calmly and cooly, I asked them what they thought.

My mother cried, insulted. Lashed out. Cried. Went silent. Lashed out. Cried.
My father screamed in my face, saying I was worthless, selfish and acting out. Said he'd never disrespected me in any way and this was a huge insult to his "investment," ie. me.

I stayed calm even though I wanted to leave right away then and there.

This is my dillemma: my father gave me an ultimatum: leave for three months and he will change the locks and disconnect all ties (financial etc...) between us. I will never be welcomed back here again.

I said, I will think about it.

Do I move out or not?

 

[Deus]

How old are you?

 

[MoFo]

22.

 

[-Rudebwoy_Chin-]

Answer me these questions three
Could you afford school on your own, or does your father support your education?
Why are they so against you leaving the homestead if you are paying for the rent, and attempting to gain independance?
Children are not an investment, does your father know that?

 

[air-bag]

It seems that the only thing that ties you with your family is a financial bond, therefore if you can satisfy you financial needs in some other way, you can break the bond with your family.

School seems to be more important to you than anything else. So try to calculate how much time would you have left for working / going out. If you indeed can work while at school and earn enough money to support yourself, you should definitely move out. If you cannot, and school is, as you say, so important to you, you should stay at home.

 

[funkNstyle]

Go.
If u think u can make it financially then fly like the wind.

think of it like this.
-Your 22, How much longer are you really goin to be at home anyways?

-Your fathers reasons for basicly "kicking you out" if you leave are is if your 16 years old. You deserve to be treated like an adult.

-After this whole mix up I think a little time apart on both sides will help heal wounds.

-If you stick around, tension will still be high and both sides are likely to lash out at small problems that wouldnt normally be an issue.

-It seems as though your father is calling your bluff and doesnt think you will actually go (or secretly doesnt want you too)

-This is a perfect opportunity to proove how independant you really are and salvage what may be left of a relationship. They may not agree with you leaving but if u manage on your own any set of parents would be proud.

Its not my place to say anything, but it appears that you parents dont wanna lose that sense on control over you (as little or big as it may be)

Keep in mind i dont know you or you parents and the history between you. but i hope that helps.

Jonny

 

[MoFo]

Originally posted by -Rudebwoy_Chin-
Answer me these questions three
Could you afford school on your own, or does your father support your education?
Why are they so against you leaving the homestead if you are paying for the rent, and attempting to gain independance?
Children are not an investment, does your father know that?

1. We've never had a deal on who pays for what. In my family, his money is mine, what I make his his. He can take my cash at anytime since he did raise me with his money. He paid for my first year tuition but I paid for supplies. I paid for this year but he reimbursed me through my investments. I still pay for supplies Yes, I think I could afford it if I really had to. But I wouldn't be able to afford my lifestyle now. I'd be working two jobs, most likely, and going to school part-time. It's kind of confusing cuz we don't have a plan.

2. Because they think it's an insult. They know i want to leave for a bit to have some time to myself and to them, that's a "fuck off, I hate you." Which is partly true, we DON'T get along in any way. And they don't think independence = moving out. They think I should move out when I finish my studies.

3. If he does, it hasn't shown. There is not a day when I am not reminded of how everything I own is technically his. His view is that I acquired everything (even though I work and pay for eveything) because he was the foundation for all of it. And that if I were to leave, I would have to leave everything including his financial support with school, my clothes, my material possessions.. everything.

 

[-Rudebwoy_Chin-]

It appears (apologies for possibly incorrect assumptions) that your Father and you have some serious issues that need to be addressed. Is your mother more receptive than your father? Perhaps enlightening her on your perspective would lead to discussions between them. Maybe your father listens to your mother moreso than you in regards to alleviating this situation. If this is true, than I would try and convey your feelings to your mother, and maybe she may help him understand.
Have you ever lived on your own before? Or away from home for that matter? Perhaps you should explain the invaluable experience you would gain in living by yourself for a few months, as it may help in the future, in which your father seems so hung up on.
Out of curiosity, does the fact that he burdens you with a financial indebtedness to him, and constantly reminds you of it, disturb or upset you?

 

[MoFo]

Yah, I feel like a stock or something.
He always says, "I pay for everything. I fed you. I work hard at my job to pay the bills...."

And my mom is insanely insulted. No help from her either.

 

[funkNstyle]

^^^
Thats the job of a parent. Your suposed to earn a living for your familly and feed your kids etc etc.

Just as most other people will when they have children.

Jonny

 

[derek]

Time apart may be good; my father can be much the same. You know, "if you live under this roof, you live by my rules". After, I moved out our relationship grew stronger. Now I own a house, and he comes over to help me with renovations. He still likes to play Head Foreman, but I've learned to swollow my pride, and allow him that role. The truth is most the time I am learning from him.

The real answer for you though is: You have to decide what it is you want to do, and do it? Not an easy decision to make.

Cheers, and good luck

Derek

 

[depraved]

Financial ties

Would financial assistance (OSAP, grants, bursaries, etc) for education be available to you if you were living on your own?
Am I correct in my understanding that you're 1/2 way through your undergrad degree?

 

[OTIS]

DUDE, YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE QUICKFAST!

The only reason your parents are acting in such a bloddy childish manner is because they know they can't control you anymore.
They know you're figuring out that you can survive on your own and they are deathly scared you will not give a shit about them once you leave. They are aware of the way they act, they are not stupid nor ignorant, they know once you move out you will realize it's the completely correct choice and are afraid you'll never want to see them again.

The only reason they are threatening to change the locks is because they are afraid that YOU will lock them out of your life.

They are obsessive, and you need to get out.

Yea life will probably be harder for you, you will probably come into situations where you will need help, but those will only make you stronger and coming through them will only make you more confidant. Make sure that you come home at least once a week to say hi and have dinner with your parents.. that relationship will grow stronger as a result. And the A controls B factor will be dicipate.

It's the right choice.

 

[nleye10d1]

MoFo, I've gone through some of the same ordeals you have, maybe not to the same extremes but really, my father has disowned me a couple of times. He's stolen my car from me, kicked me out on numerous occasions, abused me verbally and physically, etc.

Anyway, when I went away to University (and lived there) my relationship with my parents actually became stronger. Living together for 18 years just took it's toll on us.

I hate to stereotype and generalize by race, but coming from a Chinese background parents seem to have some weird affliction towards total control and respect, of course there are many exceptions to this 'golden' rule. Knowing these rules of parents and respect, I don't know what would happen if you did leave. If you are able to mend the relationship between your parents after you do. But living in the situation you're in right now seems very taxing on both parties.

I don't know what advice to give you, following your heart is one thing, but you can't always go by instinct - just something to think about.

 

[daddyiwantchocolate]

Sunny, I too was in a similar situation to you.

You have two choices:

Continue to let your parents support your education (it can't be much longer now, is it?) and put up with the shit that they dole out. I too had insane parents and just think of how much stronger a person you are for a) putting up with it and b) learning from all their mistakes. You can then run like hell (when shchool is over) and never need to look back. What a fucken weight off my shoulders THAT was.

OR

Get the hell outta there and live peacefully immediately, BUT at the expense of screwing over your education if you can't afford it. You'll have to think long and hard to figure out if you can work and school it at the same time.....

Good luck boyo.

 

[Libradragon]

Sunny,

Ultimatums are just ultimatums.

I moved out of my parents' house when I was 17. My mom threatened to *disown* me. She didn't talk to me for 6 months. She didn't talk to me when I told her I needed counselling. She thought only crazy people need counselling. She didn't talk to me the entire time I was in counselling.

But I moved out anyways, and did my thing. As long as YOU realize that you are doing what YOU really want to do, and be prepared NOT TO CRAWL BACK when the going gets tough. COZ trust me, it's so easy to crawl back to them when you're broke, in a jam, etc etc. And as much as they love us, asian parents have a way of ALWAYS holding your mistakes over your head - even if the incident was like, 20 years ago.

My point is, they'll come around. Despite the ultimatums, the yelling, the lashing, the words......they'll come around.

I'm living proof.

 

[Evil Dynovac]

I would go. I would think after a few months that cooler heads would prevail and they'll take you back. If they don't, perhaps it's for the best. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Many moons ago I did something similar and my mother said that when I moved out it would be for good. By the end of three months she couldn't wait for the day I returned home.

Good luck, and stay cool.

 

[madnezz]

Originally posted by OTIS
DUDE, YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE QUICKFAST!

agreed!!!

adios
Laura

 

[Michkey]

The real issue isn't whether or not you should leave, it's the situation between you and your dad.

Was he by any chance raised in a household with much less income or something? I know that for my old man (who was raised dirt poor with 8 sibs) MY cashflow was a top priority until I finished school. He was non-thrilled when I essentially flunked out of my 4th semester, and cut me off financially... but always remained supportive, despite the fact that he was super pissed off at my irresponsibility.

Anyway, at the end of the day you have to do what is right for yourself, regardless of who the other parties involved are.

Follow your true instinct, but don't let it be blinded by current tension and anger.

 

[Subsonic Chronic]

Originally posted by OTIS
The only reason they are threatening to change the locks is because they are afraid that YOU will lock them out of your life.

That's a good point Rob. And so metaphoric too!

Sunny... if you decide that moving out is what's best for you, at least reassure your parents that you still love them and that they are still an important part of your life.

At least give them some consolation so they don't feel like they're totally losing you.

Pete

 

[finary]

Do you think they might have been totally shocked by your annoucement?

Maybe you should give it a week or so to let them cool down and let the news sink in... and then try to approach them again.

From what you've said they seem pretty unreasonable, which may ultimately lead you to making the decision of what is best for you, not the three of you.

I don't think you're being selfish or any of that, you're 22 years old and at a crucial stage in your life where you will be finishing school soon, and out into the 'real world'. You are going to be faced with many more tough decisions after this one.

I think the important thing here is to make a decision based on long-term results, not short-term. Does moving out now and breaking this bond with your parents put you in a good position to finish school? to live your lifestyle the way you want it? to gain that independance you need?

It sounds like two of the most important things is finishing school and your happiness.

One one hand it might be best to tough it out with your parents and finish school, THEN move out on a good note and begin your independance with 3 things: a family bond, an education, and happiness.

And on the other hand you could move out now, and have 3 different things: your dignity, independance, and happiness.

I honestly don't think your parents will change the locks, etc... That's probably more of a scare tactic then anything. (Again I don't know them....)

As much as it's a great thing to ask for advice and hear what we all think, the best person to give you advice in this situation is yourself.

Good luck,

Kevin

 

[BigBadBaldy]

I think you should be a strong person, look inside yourself and really question what outcome you want from the situation, and what the future holds depending on which decision you make.

Then you should do what's best for you.

BBB.

Only you know what to do, regardless of how many times people tell you you need to get out, or whatever. Make a decision.

 

[416]

You're 22? Move out.

If you have a sweet job that'll last for a while... until you're done school at least, then do it up. You'll just be a bit busy, but plenty of people work and go to school. It's totally worth it.

 

[Rosey]

Originally posted by OTIS
DUDE, YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE QUICKFAST!

i concur. strongly.

 

[Rosey]

in my family the situation is a bit reversed. my parents are nuts but they want my brother to get his act together.

my brother will turn 22 in august. he is not in school and is currently unemployed. he worked over the winter part time as a snowboard instuctor and he talked about going out west to keep doing that or to teach rock climbing or white water rafting. he also talked about going back to school. but he doesn't follow through with any of it. he justs sits in the basement and smokes weed. he even quit a good retail job that he had with a big chain to do the snowboard thing, even though the retail job had a future (decent pay, regular hours) and the snowboard thing had at best two months of occasional work.

whenever he gets a job he quits within a week to two months either because he 'doesn't like it anymore' or he doesn't like the people or god knows why? a friend of our family got him a good enough job at a restaurant, but one of the other employees was a verbally abusive cokehead who called him a faggot and tried to beat him up fairly regulary (i found this out waaaaay later). so instead of talking to the manager or anything he just quit. and he quit by just not showing up for work for a week - so no letter of reference or anything was possible.

so last week my parents told him that when his 22 birthday rolls around he has three choices 1) stay in the basement and pay rent (i think $200/month); 2) move upstairs; 3) leave the house;

but my mother is nuts and is convinced that if he leaves the house he will be one the street addicted to heroin within a week and selling his body within 2. my mother thinks that if he moves back upstairs where she can watch him better this will somehow stop him from being total slacker - she doesn't listen to any argument different