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how to deal with women...

OTIS

TRIBE Member
You're not supposed to "listen" that well man. I think she means for us to consider it more in the abstract sense.
 

Deus

TRIBE Member
I was hoping that guys would be providing the answeres in this thread from their own experience, those that have really figured things out. Women coming in here will just confuse us even further.
 
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Skipper

TRIBE Member
Flashy_McFlash said:
Apparently anything else requiring independent thought is going to land us in trouble.

Listen, agree, hug.
Don't be an idiot, and don't insult my boyfriend either. I clearly value a man who is capable of indepedent thought and have for quite a few years now.
 

OTIS

TRIBE Member
Rude1_247 said:
see what happened here is that either you didn't get my clever joke, or my joke wasn't actually all that clever.

I'm leaning towards the latter.

I see what you did there. I chose to not acknowledge it as I fear for your life.
 

Bernnie Federko

TRIBE Member
Skipper said:
Don't be an idiot, and don't insult my boyfriend either. I clearly value a man who is capable of indepedent thought and have for quite a few years now.
Why isn't the default option to ask for what you want? Do you ask for help? Or do you expect it? When is Courtesy employed?
 

Skipper

TRIBE Member
Part of being in a relationship is knowing when your girl wants advice and when she is just venting. My opinion is that until you get to that stage, you should be asking "do you want my opinion?" and that's not unique to one sex, it works both ways.

IMO, a listening, sympathetic ear is always appreciated regardless of where you are in the relationship, advice or solutions to what can be a very personal or unique problem is not.
 

Rude1_247

TRIBE Member
Bernnie Federko said:
Why isn't the default option to ask for what you want? Do you ask for help? Or do you expect it? When is Courtesy employed?
if we had to explicitly state everything we need/want in a relationship all.the.time. it would be beyond frustrating. Part of any solid relationship is being able to understand the unexplicit. My part of the deal is knowing when she's looking for genuine feedback and when she's just looking to vent a little. Her part is remembering Steak & a Blowjob day without being reminded.

edit: spooky.
 
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AshG

Member
sure, but generally speaking...

since the original post in this thread was essentially about what amounts to ineffective communication. i'd say the answer is to be as clear as possible, esp when you're looking for a particular response.

i'm sure a lot of seasoned couples intuitively know when certain situations come up, about what's best to do. but in the event they choose incorrectly... a lil clairity to start could never hurt.
 

Rude1_247

TRIBE Member
AshG said:
i'm sure a lot of seasoned couples intuitively know when certain situations come up, about what's best to do. but in the event they choose incorrectly... a lil clairity to start could never hurt.
No doubt, and this is aided by being with someone mature enough to step outside of their frustrations for a moment and give you heads up that they're in vent mode, not let your misunderstanding of what she's looking for add to the frustration and redirected *at* you.
 

Bernnie Federko

TRIBE Member
Edit: Another question - "would you mind if I vent about my frustrating situation"? Where does that fit in?
 
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Bernnie Federko

TRIBE Member
Rude1_247 said:
No doubt, and this is aided by being with someone mature enough to step outside of their frustrations for a moment and give you heads up that they're in vent mode, not let your misunderstanding of what she's looking for add to the frustration and redirected *at* you.

ah, the 'heads up'. how nice. how courteous. how mature.
 

Michlerish

Well-Known TRIBEr
I agree with what Skipper is saying, but I don't think she's explaining it clearly. I'll use an example:

Bad Response:

girl - "Uggghhh... I'm so angry. My boss asked me to do this project with my colleague, so I start working on it, colleague does nothing for most of the day, then actually makes a mistake that *I* end up having to fix, then boss asks for project while I'm on a conference call, so colleague delivers it and gets all the credit! WTF!"

boy - "Why didn't you just talk to your boss, and let her know what happened?"

girl - " *getting more frustrated* Ugh, because I didn't have time, and I was too angry to approach her, and in the grand scheme of things, it's not that important"

boy - "Well why didn't you at least get the colleague to do her part, or talk to her about it?"

girl - " *frustrated* because..."

boy - "Well if you're this angry, and it bothers you so much, you should speak up to them! Otherwise it's just going to keep happening."

(girl is done talking, more frustrated now than when she started)
(boy thinks he's solved the problem)


Good Response:

girl - (same as above)

boy - "Did your boss say anything to you?"

girl - "No, but .......(more blabber here, explaining more of the story)....... "

boy - "How do you know she gave all the credit to your colleague then? I'm sure she knows you worked hard on it"

girl - "Probably, but it still pisses me off. This colleague does nothing."

boy - "Yeah, that would piss me off. I would probably try to avoid working with that colleague... even if you can't, the boss will most likely realize soon that she's not doing her work"

(conversation continues... girl calms down... boy gains insight about what girls day to day is like)



See the difference?


What it all comes down to is being empathetic, sympathetic and treating your partner like a person that you're on the same level as.

When you give quick solutions, and try to make things simple (even with the best intentions) it makes it seem like you don't really care about the story, and would prefer to stop discussing it. What that implies to the other person, is that their problems are small potatoes, and if they had a little bit of common sense, they would have solved them already.

This is not just a guy to girl communication problem, it's with all people. You should try to get to know the situation a bit better, ask questions, relate, give comfort... then you should be able to feel out the situation and determine what it is the other person is trying to gain by sharing their story. Whether that ends up being advice, comfort, a shoulder to cry on, support, or whatever.
 
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Michlerish

Well-Known TRIBEr
btw, that's a made up situation... and might not be the best example. But I hope you can see beyond the actual situation to see what I'm trying to demonstrate.

(ie. it's not a problem I need help solving :p )
 
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