• Hi Guest: Welcome to TRIBE, the online home of TRIBE MAGAZINE. If you'd like to post here, or reply to existing posts on TRIBE, you first have to register. Join us!

how can you tell if your girlfriend is cheating?

jamieson

TRIBE Member
Have you ever been in a relationship that ended because your significant other was cheating on you, or where you suspected they were cheating?

I'm thinking that the whole "just friends"senario is getting a little old. There's the unexplained absences or never talking about plans with their "friend" until after things have transpired almost as if it will absolve her conscience because she's been honest about her whereabouts.

I've talked to her about it and she laughed it off. It still doesn't feel right. Gimme therapy tribers.
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
awwwwwwwww.

:(

my last relationship ended after five years because my boyfriend was sleeping with someone else.


actually, that's a lie. it didn't end because of that...it ended because he was a deceitful, skanky, SOB who obviously wasn't the right person for me.



(hehehhee...gotta get it out sometimes.)



ANYWAY, cheating is a symptom of deeper issues. i don't know one person who has been cheated on who--in retrospect, at least--didn't feel that the relationship was in some sort of trouble. unless of course you guys don't communicate at ALL, but that, my friend, would be a problem in itself.



how long have you been together for?
 

pr0nstar

TRIBE Member
If you're being insecure and she's being completely honest with you, good luck.

If she's going to cheat on you, she's going to cheat on you.

And if she's cheating on you with this "friend" but tells you when she goes to see him.

a) She's honest and not cheating and you're just too damned insecure.

b) She's fucking his brains out and wants you to catch her?

I dont' know, if he's just a friend and they're hanging out... and she tells you when they do, I think a is more of the answer.

pr0nstar :D
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
kenny, the first line or two of that was bordering on wise.

and then it just all fell apart and i think my brain has collapsed on itself.

THANKS.
 

pr0nstar

TRIBE Member
What?

All I'm saying if she's being honest and she's spending time with a male friend, then it's his problem. Not her's.

And I'm a firm believer if someone is going to cheat on you .. they are going to. And being insecure usually only helps that.

pr0nstar
 
tribe cannabis accessories silver grinders
Consider the reasons why you think she might be cheating.

People when intimate with others usually change their behaviour, since people we are attracted to, we often mimic their behaviour to show interest. New behaviours doesn't always necessarily mean that she's messing around, but it's usually a pretty good telltale sign.
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
kenny, i agree with you.

the thing is, accepting the fact that you can't KEEP someone from cheating on you is not answer enough. it's true....it's just not necessarily the answer to this person's question.


actually, maybe it is.


jamieson, dude: if you are really and truly feeling THIS insecure then please #1) TALK to your girl. once you've done that you will either feel better or you won't. and if you are STILL feeling insecure then you need to #2) re-evaluate this relationship, cuz that's no way to live.
 

ila

TRIBE Member
ask your friends who know her what they think. sometimes friends know but are too afraid to tell you until you force it out of them.
 

pr0nstar

TRIBE Member
LOL, Robin, what you going to do?

"Listen, you're my partner... and YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CHEAT ON ME!... OK!!!"

:p

pr0nstar :D
 
tribe cannabis goldsmith - gold cannabis accessories

squirrely

TRIBE Member
you know what? i am gonna stop being all intellectual and advicey about this and share my own person straight-up HARD facts:

when my boy was cheating on me--at least for the period that i was aware of--he was exceptionally fighty. when i expressed fear and concern he responded with insults and was very *very* quick to yell at me. he pretty much disappeared for a week, both physically and emotionally. he's in a band and when i suggested i might come see his show that weekend, he made me PROMISE that i would tell him for sure whether or not i was coming. at the time i said something along the lines of "yo, if i didn't know you better i would think you had a SECRET girlfriend."

ha.


little did i know......


anyway, he responded with a dismissive joke and laugh.





on top of this, he was very physically reserved, not groping me like the horny little boy he had always been, and wasn't interested in sex....only emotionally-distant blow jobs.

i later found out he wasn't using a condom with the other girl, so perhaps he thought he was keeping me safe???????????????????



guh.


he also wasn't there for IMPORTANT bits of my life, like going to look at a new apartment. it was like he was pulling away in order to protect us both.

then again, at the end of it all, before i even knew he had cheated on me, i sat him down and was like, "LOOK, something is wrong and i don't think i can handle it anymore."

he denied it and fought for me, practically with tears in his eyes.

two hours later he broke down, confessed the infidelity, and dumped me.

in other words? none of it really makes sense.


there are no hard and fast rules, man, you just gotta trust that if she IS cheating on you you're gonna be FINE. that alone can give you the strength to pull yourself together and look at the relationship a little more objectively.

and if she's not.....well, your relationship is in trouble, and you need to figure out how to make yourself feel better. counselling, perhaps......speaking with her..........finding something to fill up your time and your heart and your identity and your thoughts. don't ever let the relationship define you wholly.




believe me, i know what you are feeling. i was scared SHITLESS for much of my relationship. looking back on it, i am sometimes tempted to think that he cheated BECAUSE of my insecurity. but the truth is, the person i am with now would NEVER dismiss my fears the same way my ex did. communication is key.


then again, if she is willing to talk this out with you and do everything in her power to make you feel better and you STILL don't, well it's up to YOU, man, to get this shit under control.


best,
robin
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by pr0nstar
LOL, Robin, what you going to do?

"Listen, you're my partner... and YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CHEAT ON ME!... OK!!!"

:p

pr0nstar :D
no. i mean that yes, he's gotta know that you don't have control over people and their actions and if she's gonna cheat she's gonna cheat and no amount of paranoia and emotional suffering is gonna stop her.

but that knowledge alone isn't ENOUGH. what is he supposed to say?

"she may be cheating, she may not be.....but the fact of the matter is, i can't do anything about it."



yeah????


no way, dude.


he can think that shit but then he's gotta say, "ok NOW what."
 

rubytuesday

TRIBE Member
I'm thinking that the whole "just friends"senario is getting a little old. There's the unexplained absences or never talking about plans with their "friend" until after things have transpired almost as if it will absolve her conscience because she's been honest about her whereabouts.
If she needs to go out with an opposite sex friend, it should be someone who is also at least pretty well acquainted with you, or someone who she wants you to meet. Otherwise it's kinda weird, especially if she only tells you after it's happened. She should also be willing to reassure you if she really cares, even if your fears are unfounded.

There is not really a way to tell unless you catch her in the act or have something really undeniable. I have been accused of cheating when I wasn't at all, so your instincts might be off.

How long have you been dating? She might just be the independant type. If her behaviour has really changed then you have a right to ask her, but if you knew she was like that you shouldn't expect a change.
 

jamieson

TRIBE Member
Ya Robin, that's exactly what's been going on, but it's sort of weird because it seems like it's been going in phases since the summer. We've been together a little over 3 years.

It got better after I confronted her a few weeks ago and then she suddenly tried to turn it around and questioned everything that I was doing, almost like 1) a double standard because she'd told me that what she does is none of my business, and 2) like she was trying to turn the suspicion on me, like I wouldn't be questioning her if I wasn't feeling guilty myself. It was the strangest thing.

Sometimes we're physically close, but when she's spending a lot of time with him she gets really closed and distant. She constantly forgets about things that are important to me.

But I love her.
 

MOD ONE

TRIBE Member
You need to get that nasty picture out of your head. I know it's hard when shit like this goes down from what it sounds to me it's time that you guys move on. You let her make friends with in your circle of friends is a very brave thing and like pornstar said you need to complete secure with yourself when your women chills with your friends. When you start thinking these weird thoughts in your head that she's doing the nasty with your friend then your just going become more insecure about yourself by the second. It sounds like you have a trust issue with your woman and your friend and that's not good. Are you having fun in this relationship anymore? If not find a new woman and move on or trust your women and your friend that they can hang with each other and not do the nasty. Squirrely you sound like a cool girl I was reading your post there's some funny shit in there.
 
tribe cannabis accessories silver grinders

mystique0217

TRIBE Member
^^robin,
you are da best.

*in tears*

seriously, you rowk!

:)
thanks!!

-Kumi <"girl power" (just watched the saturday nite live) hehe
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by jamieson
Ya Robin, that's exactly what's been going on, but it's sort of weird because it seems like it's been going in phases since the summer. We've been together a little over 3 years.

It got better after I confronted her a few weeks ago and then she suddenly tried to turn it around and questioned everything that I was doing, almost like 1) a double standard because she'd told me that what she does is none of my business, and 2) like she was trying to turn the suspicion on me, like I wouldn't be questioning her if I wasn't feeling guilty myself. It was the strangest thing.

Sometimes we're physically close, but when she's spending a lot of time with him she gets really closed and distant. She constantly forgets about things that are important to me.

But I love her.

1. after being with someone for three years the excuse "what i do is none of your business" is hardly valid.
2. love is not enough to keep a relationship going. you will always be able to find people that you can love...but a strong, LOVING relationship is hard to come by. it takes work. and it *definitely* takes trust. without trust you are burning up your energy on futile worry. and you are gonna look back on all this and wonder why you wasted your energy torturing yourself.

may i ask how old you both are?

and p.s. this other person is not the problem. don't think that if he disappears than your problems will be solved. i know you didn't actually say that this is how you are feeling but i want you to be glad he exists cuz his presence is forcing you to take serious stock of your relationship.

and p.p.s. before anyone calls me bitter and/or jaded, bite your tongue pleaseandthankyouinadvance. being cheated on by someone you LOVE and someone who loves YOU is a life-altering experience. it shakes up your perception in ways that a lot of people can't begin to comprehend.
 

the_fornicator

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by jamieson
But I love her.
man, if I were you, I best be finding out right quick cause there's nothing worse than finding out that she's been cheating on you. Not necessarily because she violated your trust or anything like that... but I think it would (personally) hurt more to find out that her lips have been around another guy's cack and more importantly, recently around your lips.

icky.
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
the worst thing about being cheated on is the overwhelming sense of dramatic irony that seems to settle onto your memories.

suddenly past words take on whoooooole new meanings and it's HARD not to feel like a fucking fool.





p.s. mystique0217: GRRRRRRL POWER WOO! ;)
p.p.s. thanks MOD ONE. i feel like a much cooler girl having experienced all the shit i am talking about here.


don't ever see yourself as a VICTIM. in sooooooo many cases you *ask* to be treated the way you are treated, inadvertently or otherwise. although being cheated on is the kinda thing that makes you think, "wow i have NO control over what happens to me," you need to find the sense of power that comes from that knowledge. relinquishing your (false) sense of control is LIBERATING and it will help you in all your relationships.

the best way to protect yourself is to know that no matter WHAT happens, yer gonna be fiiiiiiiiiiine in the end.


(err....cuz in the end we're all dead and so really, whatcanyado...)
 

OTIS

TRIBE Member
Sounds like you need to eject.

Don't make it on the terms that you think she's cheating on you, break up on the terms that she's becoming too emotionally detached for your liking, and with comments like "it's none of your business", it's quite apparent that her emotional interests are certainly not at the level to sustain a 3 year relationship, and you can expect it to only falter if it continues on it's current path.

If she really cared, she would take the time to explain it to you proper instead of just brushing it off.
 
tribe cannabis accessories silver grinders

squirrely

TRIBE Member
yes. OTIS is very very right.



that's why i feel weird saying that my ex and i broke up cuz he cheated. that is SO not why we broke up.


(but it's sure as hell why i never considered getting back together with him....)
 

MalGlo

TRIBE Member
Rob/Otis is right... communication is key.. if she can't communicate with you on something that is obviously a concern of yours.. then this isn't going to work...

just make sure you've stressed that it is a genuine concern..
 

jamieson

TRIBE Member
maglo + otis + squirrely this time you're all right. I do need to end this. Regardless of whether or not she's doing what I think.

Squirrely, we're both 26 btw. I'm 2 months older.

There's just that little matter of being so in love with someone I know so well.
 

MalGlo

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by jamieson
There's just that little matter of being so in love with someone I know so well.
trust me i know this part.. and its what makes it very hard to deal with..

you'll figure it out... :)
 

squirrely

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by jamieson
maglo + otis + squirrely this time you're all right. I do need to end this. Regardless of whether or not she's doing what I think.

Squirrely, we're both 26 btw. I'm 2 months older.

There's just that little matter of being so in love with someone I know so well.
but if you know her *so* well..........


aw man. i feel for you. i do. and please please please OBVIOUSLY don't end this based on some anonymous 'net advice. then again, if you were that easy to convince.....

*sigh*

good luck.

if you're both 26 you most DEFINITELY should not be feeling this way. gotta get on with your lives.
 
tribe cannabis goldsmith - gold cannabis accessories
Top