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Hey, did you hear the one about the California recall election?

Discussion in 'Politics (deprecated)' started by man_slut, Aug 28, 2003.

  1. man_slut

    man_slut TRIBE Member

    Hey, did you hear the one about the California recall election? Chads may have been hung in Florida, but the Golden State is keeping the nation's comics in funny business.

    James Sullivan, Chronicle Staff Writer Thursday, August 28, 2003


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    The over-the-top absurdity that is the California recall election has actually become a headache for comedians, says Comedy Central's Colin Quinn: It's too easy.

    With a field of candidates including an action superhero, a porn publisher, a porn star, a former child actor and a watermelon-smashing comedian, Quinn told the Associated Press, "It's a punch line already."

    True story: The wits of late-night television are desperate to show clips of Arnold Schwarzenegger on the campaign trail, but they don't dare. They're afraid they would owe the other 134 candidates equal time.

    CBS' Craig Kilborn, for instance, had an entire segment on the recall shelved. In it he ran footage of Schwarzenegger ads underscored with mock subtitles that had the Austrian-born actor referring to his home state as "Cauliflower" and "Colin Farrell."

    That bit might have raised the hackles of a censor or two, but the nation's comics just can't help themselves. The recall has yielded a bonanza of material, most of it as obvious as Quinn suggests, but no less funny for it. Here's a sampling.

    I'll tell you where this recall is really causing problems -- over at "Hollywood Squares." There are so many B- and C-level celebrities running for governor, they had to shut down production.

    -- Jay Leno

    Today the secretary of state said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.

    -- Jay Leno

    It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. In a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.

    -- Conan O'Brien

    President Bush is supporting Arnold, but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

    -- Bill Maher

    Here's a little known fact: Arnold is the first bodybuilder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

    -- David Letterman

    It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future.

    -- Jay Leno

    Yesterday Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents, who now live in the second-flakiest state in the country.

    -- Conan O'Brien

    Take away their statehood and turn them into an outpatient clinic.

    -- Lewis Black, on California

    President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce "Schwarzenegger."

    -- David Letterman

    Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German.

    -- Bill Maher

    Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

    -- Conan O'Brien

    Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, "If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here."

    -- Craig Kilborn

    A number of candidates are complaining that Arnold's getting so much of the spotlight that it's drowning out their message. In fact, Arianna Huffington said that she hasn't been this ignored since her honeymoon.

    -- Jay Leno

    An NBC News poll has found that if the election were held today, 31 percent of California voters would vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger and 26 percent were not sure. Today Gray Davis announced he is changing his name to "Not Sure."

    -- Jay Leno

    Election officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, "What? You count the ballots?"

    -- Jay Leno

    Under California election law, virtually anybody can run for governor, except, of course, smokers.

    -- Dave Barry

    Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic adviser. Not to be outdone, Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell III.

    -- Conan O'Brien

    Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question: "Do I live here?"

    -- Craig Kilborn

    Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler, he's running for governor. You know what his campaign slogan is? "A smut peddler who cares." Today Bill Clinton said, "Hey, that was my slogan."

    -- Jay Leno

    I love all these politicians. They all say the same thing -- "We'll give California back to the people." Yeah, great, now that it's not worth anything, they want to give it back to us.

    -- Jay Leno

    Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and adult film star Mary Carey, they're also running. You know what bothers me about the two of them? See, this could split the all-important porn vote.

    -- Jay Leno

    Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal -- change our state bird to the spread eagle.

    -- Craig Kilborn

    Experts say with all the media attention centered on the governor's race, it threatens to turn the Kobe Bryant trial into a dignified proceeding.

    -- Craig Kilborn

    There was also talk of bringing Al Gore to California to help out, but there was concern that Gray Davis and Al Gore in the same state would cause some kind of rolling personality blackout.

    -- Jay Leno

    Republican Congressman Darrell Issa funded the recall campaign with money he made selling car alarms. So this isn't the first time annoying millions of people for him.

    -- Craig Kilborn
     
  2. AdRiaN

    AdRiaN TRIBE Member

    Reading those jokes makes me realize just how much late-night television I watch. :)
     
  3. Adam

    Adam TRIBE Member

    GOLD.
     
  4. man_slut

    man_slut TRIBE Member

    I know I thought that one was right on the dot!
     
  5. OTIS

    OTIS TRIBE Member

    hahahahha @ both of these.. Leno's writers are on the ball.
     
  6. Klubmasta Will

    Klubmasta Will TRIBE Member

    hahah, those were hilarious.

    i agree that leno's joke writers are the best in late night.
     
  7. silver1

    silver1 TRIBE Member

    "Arnold. What do you plan to do about the massive budget deficit?"

    "I will use my freeze ray on it and then turn to the camera and say, 'You need to chill out'"

    [​IMG]
     
  8. xtollo

    xtollo TRIBE Member

    ^ bahahahhahhah

    "yurr frro zen"
     
  9. Klubmasta Will

    Klubmasta Will TRIBE Member

    literal LOL. :)
     
  10. silver1

    silver1 TRIBE Member

    I stole it from Conan's "Live via sattelite" interview with Arnie last week.
     
  11. why not

    why not TRIBE Member

    President Bush is supporting Arnold, but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

    -- Bill Maher


    nice.
     

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