Yes, I agree with Persephone, don't visit if you have a slight sniffle or sore throat, since chemo wipes out your immunity, and get the flu shot! (not for you but to protect you from bringing germs around her)
I am living with Cancer (in remission), mine is a rare blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma i did about 5 months of chemo, then had s stem cell transplant in 2010.
It is really overwhelming when you are diagnosed and all of a sudden your life revolves around medical appointments, treatments and feeling shitty. I am going to assume she is younger (like 30 something?) As a young adult with cancer stuff really isn't geared for our age (support groups etc) and doctors are used to dealing with older people so it is a weird experience. You go from being in the most productive time of your life (career building, watching your friends all having babies, having fun) to being a sick person.
Friends are well meaning and kept asking what they could do to "help" but it can be hard to try and think of ways they can help you. Or if people wanted to visit at times I felt really shitty, it made me feel pressured to look ok, or be a good host, put on a brave face, which was hard at times.
Instead of just asking to help in a general way, I am going to suggest you think of very basic things that could make her life easier and ask about those specifically.
Ideas such as- grocery shopping for foods that she can tolerate, and preparing food to take over for her. Chemo really changes your taste for things, and if things make you sick you can get aversions to that. I loved vitamin water, and wanted simple food like chicken and rice. For a while I had a Tim Horton breakfast sandwich every day before chemo and have not eaten on since!
Ask if she needs help with mundane tasks like laundry / cleaning.
Download a bunch of movies or music for her to keep busy
Keep in touch; send some nice cards (get well soon, thinking of you) in the mail so she gets some encouraging surprises. I really liked that.
Don't suggest herbal cures, or talk about friends of a friend who died of cancer (really sounds dumb but when people don't know what to say they will look for stuff that maybe relates and it is not helpful) It’s ok if you don’t know what to say. Be realistic with what she is going through, it does suck, it is hard, acknowledge that and be open to listening if she wants to talk
Appearance changes may or may not be dramatic. I didn’t think it would bother me to loose my hair since I’ve had it very short for years. But, when I did loose my hair I hated that all of a sudden all the attention was on my face, which was very bloated from the high dose steroids I was on (called “moonface”) I had no neck and it was red an blotchy. Ick. I wore a lot of hoodies! I bought some nice hoop earrings that made me feel more like a girl. A few friends bought me some nice hats; I was bald in the summer though so it is a bit harder to find stuff.
I heard a few times “you don’t look sick”. It is because steroid make you gain weight and give you a rosy glow that gets interpreted as “healthy” so not everyone who has cancer becomes gaunt and bald… lol.
I think somewhere along the way most young people start to feel isolated and want to connect with other young people with cancer.
I become connected with this group Young Adult Cancer Canada and it ihas really helped my husband and I move into "survivor mode" getting past the trauma and on with our lives. I attended one retreat, and we attend the survivor conference.
Young Adult Cancer Canada . Home . Our mission is To help every young adult dealing with cancer in Canada by providing inspiration, information and support
