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Harper's Weekly - always a good read


TRIBE Member
Weird....two in a row in the Harper's thread!

Approximately eight million people turned out to vote in
Iraq. International monitors gave the election their seal
of approval, though all 129 of them stayed inside Baghdad's
Green Zone. Security measures included sealing the country's
borders, banning travel between provinces, prohibiting
private vehicle traffic, and imposing curfews in cities.
Fake polling stations were set up with snipers positioned to
guard the real ones, which were revealed 24 hours before
opening. Many of the candidates kept their identities secret
until election day, though two had made it known they were
direct descendants of the Prophet Mohammed. Iraqi
insurgents, who had been promising death to anyone who came
within five hundred yards of a polling station, succeeded in
carrying out nine suicide bombings, one of which was
performed by a handicapped child. Prominent Sunni leaders
who boycotted the election said they would be happy to help
the elected National Assembly draft the new constitution.
"Two of the great ironies of history," said President George
W. Bush, "is there will be a Palestinian state and a
democratic Iraq." World leaders gathered in Poland to
commemorate the 60th anniversary of the liberation of
Auschwitz, where Dick Cheney was criticized for wearing a
green parka with fur trim instead of the more somber black
coats everyone else had on. Vladimir Putin noted that "as
there were no good and bad fascists, there cannot be good
and bad terrorists. Any double standards here are absolutely
unacceptable and deadly dangerous for civilization." A group
of Russian legislators demanded that Jewish organizations be
investigated, and possibly closed down, for carrying out
ritual killings and hate crimes against themselves.
Commercial flights opened between China and Taiwan for the
first time in 55 years, and the government of Nepal shut
down the Dalai Lama's offices in Kathmandu. More than 250
people were trampled or burned to death during a Hindu
festival in western India when a stampeding riot was
triggered by pilgrims slipping on spilled coconut milk.
China overtook the United States as Japan's biggest trading
partner, and scientists discovered that drinking green tea
turns mice into better swimmers.

An international task force of scientists, politicians, and
business leaders warned that the world has about ten years
before global warming becomes irreversible. By then, average
global temperatures will have risen two degrees Celsius
since the start of the Industrial Revolution, resulting in
major droughts, increased disease, and the termination of
the North Atlantic Gulf Stream. Meteorologists were
forecasting record thinning of northern Europe's ozone layer
in the coming weeks, and astronomers concluded that Saturn's
largest moon had all the ingredients for life. Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist declared that biological warfare
is "the greatest existential threat we face today." The
world's first mad goat was diagnosed in France. At the World
Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Tony Blair and Bill
Gates shared the stage with Bono and Bill Clinton and called
for more aid to Africa. Sharon Stone raised a million
dollars for mosquito nets, and a special dinner was
organized to promote dialogue between the U.S. and Iran; the
idea backfired when Senator Joseph Biden, the American
representative, showed up an hour and a half late, and wine
was served to the Muslim guests. Scientists solved the
mystery of the Venus Flytrap. Swaziland's King Mswati chose
his thirteenth wife and sent her to South Africa for an AIDS
test. Researchers found that fidgety people are less likely
to be obese, police in Rome were cracking down on unlicensed
tour guides, and Joseph Massino, the "Last Don" of New York,
snitched on the mob.

President Bush ordered his cabinet to stop paying off
journalists after syndicated columnist Maggie Gallagher
admitted she had a $21,500 contract with the Health and
Human Services Department to endorse the agency's marriage
initiative. Two days later, another columnist admitted he'd
been paid $10,000 for the same purpose. Scientists
synthesized a pheromone produced by young women that helps
post-menopausal ladies attract men. Social Security
Administration workers testified that they had been ordered
"to promote the idea that Social Security is in crisis and
that Social Security privatization is the answer." Christian
groups were threatening to withdraw their support from any
privatization scheme whatsoever unless Bush tries harder to
ban gay marriage, and chimpanzees were found to have a sense
of fair play. Condoleezza Rice was sworn in as secretary of
state, despite Senator Mark Dayton's objection during her
confirmation hearing that "I really don't like being lied to
repeatedly, flagrantly, intentionally." The Justice
Department threw a going away party for John Ashcroft. His
term in office, said one assistant, "served as a full
employment program for cartoonists and pundits." The Bush
Administration requested an additional $80 billion for the
wars in Iraq and Afghanistan this year, totaling 13 times
the Environmental Protection Agency's allotment, and making
the 2005 budget deficit the biggest in history. The State
Department offended Mexico by issuing a travel warning along
the border; U.S. Ambassador Tony Garza tried to ease
tensions by clarifying that "the wave of border violence is
a result of successful efforts by President Fox's
administration in the fight against organized crime." The
Sudanese government dropped bombs on women and children in
Darfur, and the European Union reestablished diplomatic ties
with Sudan for the first time since 1990. Commercial
airlines were told they should be worrying about
shoulder-fired missile attacks, Human Rights Watch declared
meatpacking to be "the most dangerous factory job in
America," and Ringo Starr was planning to become a cartoon


TRIBE Member
K, where the fuck have you all been? It used to be a race to get to this thread.. you all disappoint me.

February 15, 2005

* * * * * * * * * * * *
by Paul Ford

It was Lent. Deep Throat was dying, and the creator of
Dolly the sheep was granted a license to clone humans. A
NASA study found that 2004 was the fourth-warmest year on
record, and a report showed that, between April and
September 2001, the Federal Aviation Administration
received fifty-two reports about Al Qaeda's plans to
hijack airplanes. Scientists at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife
Service told of being forced to cover up their findings
regarding risks to endangered species. Forty-two percent
said they feared retaliation if they told the truth. Karl
Rove was promoted. Condoleezza Rice visited Paris, and
Donald Rumsfeld visited Iraq, where election results were
announced. Several parties gained seats in the newly
created Iraqi parliament, including the United Iraqi
Alliance, the Kurdistan Alliance, the Iraqi List,
"Iraqis," the Turkmen Iraqi Front, National Independent
Elites and Cadres Party, the Communist Party, the Islamic
Kurdish Society, the Islamic Labor Movement in Iraq, the
National Democratic Alliance, National Rafidain List, and
the Reconciliation and Liberation Entity. Alberto Gonzales
was sworn in as attorney general, and it was discovered
that George W. Bush reads newspapers, likes his iPod, and
recycles. Laura Bush fired the White House chef, and North
Korea decided to ramp up its nuclear program in response
to threats from the U.S. Saudi Arabia denied that it was
shopping for nuclear weapons.

Wal-Mart closed a store in Canada to prevent the store's
workers from unionizing; in a separate case, the company
agreed to pay $135,540 in fines for breaking child-labor
laws. Hewlett-Packard fired CEO Carly Fiorina, Verizon
agreed to buy MCI, and Howard Dean was elected chairman of
the Democratic National Committee. Chimpanzees were found
to have a sense of justice, and secret documents showed
that Cambridge University, among other institutions, has
neglected and tortured monkeys in its laboratories. The
monkeys screamed in fear and anger and tried to escape
from their boxes. The pope endorsed suffering. The last
witness to the miraculous appearance of the Virgin Mary at
Fatima died, and a Canadian clinic planned to offer
prescription heroin. The Supreme Court of California
decided to allow mentally retarded death-row prisoners to
appeal their cases. A four-year-old Michigan boy snuck out
of the house and drove his mother's car to a video store,
and NASA decided to scrap the Hubble space telescope. The
Commerce Department announced that the U.S. had a $672
billion trade deficit in 2004. A New York City man died of
a new drug-resistant and extremely virulent strain of HIV
that causes AIDS in only twenty months. Mahmoud Abbas
and Ariel Sharon shook hands across a table and declared a
truce between Israel and Palestine. The Queen of Denmark
sued Missy Elliott for infringing on her crest, Prince
Charles was engaged to Camilla Parker Bowles, and
conservatives began considering Minnesota Governor Tim
Pawlenty for the 2008 presidency.

Congress was once more casting its eye towards the oil in
Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. The Bush
Administration continued to promote its plan to gut Social
Security, and actor Tom Sizemore tried to cheat on a drug
test by using a fake penis to pass urine. A Swedish woman
found a "medium-sized" penis in a bottle of ketchup. "I
will never buy this brand again," she said. Zimbabwean
women's track-and-field star Samukeliso Sithole turned out
to be male. Sithole, who owns several beasts, claims that
his penis has grown in only recently. The government of
Uganda was concerned about a production of the play "The
Vagina Monologues." "The author of the film is a known
lesbian who lives with another woman," said James Nsaba
Buturo, the minister for information. "She worships the
female sexual organ, seeing it as her god." Alan Keyes
disowned his daughter and threw her out of his house
because she is a lesbian. It was discovered that the
United States has been sending unmanned drones to spy on
Iran's nuclear facilities since April 2004. United States
immigration authorities were evaluating a program that
uses unmanned drones to patrol the border of Arizona and
Mexico, and Israel unveiled a tiny new drone that can be
launched from a canister. Israel has also developed a bomb
that stinks for five years. Anti-Semitism was on the rise
in London; there were complaints of arson, beatings, and
the mailing of a snuffbox filled with excrement. In
Afghanistan, a French soldier committed suicide, and at
the Best Buy in the Hudson Valley Mall in Kingston, New
York, a man ran amok with an AK-47, injuring an Army
recruiter. Arthur Miller died, and one out of six British
secondary-school students identified Winston Churchill as
an insurance salesman. A Kansas woman left mute by a 1984
head injury began to speak again. "Okay," she said,
"okay." General Motors was spending more for health care
than for steel, and a study showed that lobsters probably
don't feel pain when boiled.


TRIBE Member
February 22, 2005

* * * * * * * * * * * *
by Paul Ford

CIA Director Porter J. Goss claimed that the war in Iraq
is making it easier for terrorist organizations to find
new recruits, and Sunni Arab tribal chiefs insisted that
they be given a role in the new Iraqi government. "We made
a big mistake," said a sheik, "when we didn't vote." Eight
suicide bombings killed ninety-one people in Iraq, and
United States Marines and Iraqi security forces were
fighting insurgents in Ramadi, seventy-five miles west of
Baghdad. An Episcopal priest who fought in Vietnam,
distraught over the war in Iraq, killed himself in
Wenatchee, Washington, and President George W. Bush
nominated John Negroponte, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, as
the first director of national intelligence. Negroponte
was ambassador to the U.N. from 2001-2004 and ambassador
to Honduras from 1981-1985; he is alleged to have turned a
blind eye to human rights abuses in Honduras and to have
helped the Nicaraguan Contras find funds. Negroponte will
oversee fifteen separate intelligence agencies and will
deliver the daily intelligence briefing to the
president. In Venezuela, where floods and mudslides killed
thirty-seven, President Hugo Chavez claimed
that the United States had plans to kill him. "If, by the
hand of the devil, those perverse plans succeed . . .
forget about Venezuelan oil, Mr. Bush," Chavez said. In
England, a nuclear power plant was unable to account for
nearly thirty kilograms of plutonium, enough to make seven
nuclear bombs; the discrepancy was said to exist only on
paper. Ariel Sharon announced plans to withdraw 8,500
settlers from Gaza and several hundred settlers from the
West Bank. The Knesset ratified the plans, setting aside
$870 million for resettlement, even though some Israeli
parliamentarians compared the withdrawal to the
deportation of Jews during the Holocaust. Israel freed
five hundred Palestinian prisoners, and guards were placed
around the grave of Sharon's wife, Lily, to protect it
from desecration by outraged settlers. Syria denied any
role in the assassination of Rafik Hariri, former Prime
Minister of Lebanon and critic of the Syrian occupation,
who was killed in a Beirut bombing. The United States
withdrew its ambassador to Syria, and 100,000 mourners
turned out for Hariri's funeral. Syria and Iran announced
that they would form a "common front" to face mutual
threats, but Syria's ambassador to the U.S. said that this
had nothing to do with the United States. In Egypt, a team
of thirteen doctors removed a second, "parasitic" head
from a baby girl, and NASA researchers studying the
methane signature of Mars found evidence of life below
the Martian surface. Lawrence Rawl, head of Exxon during
the Valdez spill, died from Alzheimer's, and Texas
executed another prisoner. Two paintings of dogs playing
poker sold for $590,000.

A study showed that 310,000 Europeans die from air
pollution each year, and the Kyoto Protocol went into
effect. The treaty, which calls for a 5.2 percent
reduction in greenhouse gas emissions by 2012, was
ratified by 155 countries. The world's top polluter, the
United States, did not sign, citing costs. The House
approved a measure to limit class-action lawsuits,
redirecting large lawsuits from state to federal courts,
and the Pentagon allocated $127 billion to build a robot
army. Some of the robots will look and walk like humans,
some will hover in the air, and some will make their own
choices during battle. "The lawyers tell me there are no
prohibitions against robots making life-or-death
decisions," said a representative from the U.S. Joint
Forces Research Center. It was revealed that the Army,
seeking to avoid scandal, destroyed photos of
U.S. soldiers holding mock executions of hooded Afghani
detainees. Chinese scientists announced the development of
a new process that turns sewage water and mud into
organic fertilizer and pesticide, and North Korea
celebrated Kim Jong Il's sixty-third birthday. "The
Americans swagger like a tiger around the world," said
North Korea's Pyongyang Radio, "but they whimper before
our Republic as the tiger does before the porcupine."
Mohamed ElBaradei, the head of the International Atomic
Energy Agency, said that U.S. policies on Iran and North
Korea are inconsistent, and that no evidence exists to
implicate Iran in the development of nuclear
weapons. Togo's President Faure Gnassingbe promised to
hold elections within sixty days; Gnassingbe took control
of the presidency after the former president, his father,
died in office. The Ugandan army admitted that it had
recruited eight hundred child soldiers who had escaped
from serving in the opposition Lord's Resistance
Army. Avalanches in Kashmir killed over one hundred
people, and archeologists were excavating an ancient
Indian city uncovered by the December tsunami. Six Indian
students killed themselves because they were anxious over
their upcoming board exams. A car bomb in Thailand killed
five. Ecuadorean President Lucio Gutierrez fired most of
his country's supreme court, a tanker spilled thirteen
tons of oil into Tunisian waters, and the body of Cecilia
Cubas, the kidnapped daughter of Paraguay's ex-president,
was found in an underground chamber. Sudan refused to
allow war-crimes suspects from Darfur to be tried at The
Hague, insisting that they instead be tried at home in
Sudan, and a scientist in Chicago used stem cells to grow
fat tissue, which can be used in breast implants.

Scientists were waiting for H5N1, an avian flu virus that
has killed forty-one people in Thailand and Vietnam, to
mutate into a form that can spread more rapidly among
humans. If that happens, the flu is expected to kill tens
of millions worldwide. Thailand rejected a plan to slow
the spread of the flu because the plan's execution--which
called for the destruction of millions of possibly
infected ducks and chickens and the distribution of face
masks--would alarm the public. The Socialist Party won a
landslide victory in Portugal, and a mine explosion in
Fuxin, China, killed 203. Secret tapes made of George
W. Bush between 1998 and 2000 indicated that Bush once
considered John Ashcroft for Vice President and that he
most likely smoked marijuana in the past. Speaking in
Brussels, Bush called on Syria to end its occupation of
Lebanon; he also said it was time for Europe and the
United States to work together. An expert witness in the
Robert Blake murder case testified that he once crawled
into a cage filled with crack-smoking monkeys, and two
former caretakers of Koko, the gorilla that can speak in
sign language, sued for harassment. The caretakers claim
they were pressured into exposing their breasts to satisfy
Koko's nipple fetish. The ban on fox hunting went into
effect in England and Wales and was expected to be widely
ignored. A poll found that Americans believe Ronald Reagan
to be the greatest president in history, and Hunter
S. Thompson killed himself with a shotgun. The British
Navy was actively seeking gay recruits, dogs in Australia
were licking toads to get high, and a luxury hotel was
scheduled to open at Berchtesgaden. An eighty-year-old
Australian doctor had "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed across
his chest, and in Hong Kong, the bough of a lucky "wishing
tree" broke off, scratching a four-year-old boy's head and
breaking a man's leg.

* * * * * * * * *


I am disappointed (VERY disappointed) that the most recent
Harper's Weekly told readers about a study supposedly
showing that lobsters don't feel pain when boiled alive.
I went to your online sources and found a sketchy article
about a Norwegian study that offered no details about how
the study was done. The article concluded with this
statement: "But the Norwegian study also cautioned that
more research is needed." I've noticed that Harper's
Weekly sometimes includes cute news items, probably to
relieve some of the doom-and-gloom in much of the news
that bombards us every week. But boiling animals alive
isn't cute. Your weakly-supported news item may have
discouraged cooks who were considering stopping the
practice or at least trying to kill lobsters humanely
before boiling them (lobster recipes in The New York Times
recommend cutting the lobster across a crevice where its
neck joins its body). Cruelty to animals, no matter how
traditional it is, isn't funny.

Jean Reynolds

you guys are getting as bad as the nation. the bush
administration is not promoting its plan to "gut" social
security. hey, wasn't it clinton in 1998 who said that the
first thing he was going to do was "save social security
first"? it was. and now democrats are claiming that
actually, no, there is no crisis. Here's a line to use in
next week's piece:

"The Democrats, after vowing to "Save Social Security
First" seven years ago, continued to sing their current
refrain, which is that actually there is no social
security crisis. With Dean's ascendency, most are looking
forward to continued losses in 06 and 08."

Dave Dix

* * * * * * * *
tribe cannabis accessories silver grinders


TRIBE Member
March 1, 2005

* * * * * * * * *

by Paul Ford

A suicide bomber in Iraq killed over one hundred people as
they stood waiting to join the Iraqi National Guard, and
four American soldiers and thirteen Iraqis were killed in
other incidents. Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff, pointed out that insurgencies tend to
last from seven to twelve years, and the U.S. military
increased its bonuses to encourage reenlistment. American
forces opened negotiations with Iraqi insurgents. Canada
declared that the U.S. must get permission before
launching missiles over Canadian airspace, and Pakistani
soldiers were ordered to shoot at U.S. troops who enter
Pakistan without permission. An earthquake in southeast
Iran killed six hundred people, and the Iranian military
was preparing for an attack by the United States. In the
U.K., Bournemouth University announced that it has
developed two artificial mass graves, each containing
about thirty fake skeletons, to be used to train Iraqi
war-crimes investigators. Bhutan banned public smoking,
the president of Togo stepped down, and Tom Ridge joined
the board of Home Depot.

The Anglican Communion was nearing a schism. The attorney
general of Kansas demanded that clinics in his state turn
over the medical records of girls who have received
abortions and women who have had late-term
abortions. Dennis Rader, an active Lutheran and a Cub
Scout leader in Wichita, Kansas, confessed to six killings
as the BTK ("bind, torture, and kill") serial killer,
wanted for thirty-one years. His daughter turned him
in. An Illinois court ruled that a man could sue his
ex-lover for using his sperm, acquired via oral sex, to
impregnate herself, and Britain's Labour party was forced
to drop Christine Wheatley as a candidate for Parliament
after it was revealed she had once worked as a prostitute
in Paris. "It was usually only three minutes," said
Wheatley. The pope underwent a tracheotomy, and the
U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear a case challenging the
Alabama law that makes it a crime - punishable by a year
in jail and a $10,000 fine - to sell vibrators, dildos,
anal beads, and artificial vaginas. UNICEF reported that
180 million children aged five to seventeen are forced
into the "worst forms" of labor, including the sex and
slave trades. Progressive rock was making a comeback. NASA
scientists resurrected bacteria that had been frozen for
32,000 years, Russia agreed to sell nuclear fuel to Iran,
and at a summit in Bratislava, Vladimir Putin accused
George W. Bush of firing Dan Rather. A Swiss court lifted
the ban on using "Bin Ladin" as a brand name. The name is
registered to Osama bin Laden's half-brother. Israel
planned to build 6,391 new homes for settlers in the West
Bank and refused to hand over security control of the West
Bank to Palestinians. West Bank settlers were given
stickers to prove their residency, so that they might
drive more quickly through checkpoints, and a suicide
bomber killed five in Tel Aviv. Israel blamed Syria, which
hosts Islamic Jihad, for the attack. Syria handed over
Sabawi Ibrahim al-Hasan al-Tikriti, Saddam Hussein's
half-brother, to Iraqi authorities, and the pro-Syrian
government of Lebanon dissolved itself. Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger said he had no regrets about his past
steroid use, and a New Hampshire crematorium was found to
be throwing pacemakers and metallic hips into a dumpster.

Maoists killed fifteen in Nepal, and Nepalese soldiers
killed dozens of Maoists. The financial records of 1.2
million federal employees were stolen from or lost by the
Bank of America; Senator Pat Leahy's credit-card number
was among the missing. Halle Berry received a "Razzie"
award for the worst actress of 2004 for her role in the
film "Catwoman." "I want to thank Warner Brothers for
casting me in this piece of shit," she said. George
W. Bush won the worst actor award for his role in
"Fahrenheit 9/11," and a poll found that 57 percent of
parents would not like their children to grow up to be
president. USA Next, a group with ties to the Swift Boat
Veterans for Truth, attacked the AARP for its position
against Social Security reform, and Arthur Shawcross, a
cannibal serial killer, was writing a cookbook. Canadian
scientists announced that they could treat depression by
electronically stimulating the brain. Senator John McCain
called for permanent U.S. military bases in Afghanistan,
where one woman dies of a pregnancy-related illness every
thirty minutes. Queen Elizabeth announced that she would
not attend the wedding ceremony of her son, Charles, and
Camilla Parker Bowles, but insisted this was not a snub;
Charles complained that the British had "tortured" him
over his relationship with Parker Bowles. Atrocities
continued in Darfur, Somalia denounced plans to deploy
foreign peacekeepers, and Eritrea was facing a major food
crisis. An Orangeburg, New York, man beat his toddler
daughter to death for refusing a peanut-butter sandwich,
and in Edinburgh, Scotland, a blind man bit his guide dog.

* * * * * * * * *


TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Mitch Dushay

What was the point of publishing Dave Dix's substance-free
Social Security screed in this week's Weekly? As one of
only two letters, the other concerning itself with humane
treatment of lobsters?

We know the Bush/Cheney administration has been using a
right-wing shill. Does Harper's Weekly need one, too?

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Mitch Dushay

Thank you for printing Dave Dix' letter in Harper's
Weekly. It was the funniest thing I've seen in weeks. One
can't make up such stuff - it takes a prize ass to get it

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Alfred Octavio

Regarding mudslides in Venezuela: Thirty seven died in
Vargas alone (according to the government, probably
hundreds really). They say thousands died in Merida and
the government is covering it up. That is why Chavez
dedicated his weekly sunday TV program to the US and the
"plot" to assassinate him. I actually think that the Bush
government is helping Chavez and that is why, despite the
rhetoric, Chavez hasn't touch US interest anywhere. Not
here in Venezuela, not there in the US . . . What would
happen if Citgo (a Venezuelan company) suddenly didn't
received any more oil? Think about it . . .

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: David Dugan

From previous comments I've already concluded that you
have a bias in favor of Israel and I'd like to point this
week's evidence out.

Instead of: "The Knesset ratified the plans, setting aside
$870 million for resettlement, even though some Israeli
parliamentarians compared the withdrawal to the
deportation of Jews during the Holocaust" you could just
as truthfully and in my view more helpfully said: "even
though some Israeli parliamentarians felt that the
remaining hundreds of thousands of settlers in the West
Bank made a Palestinian state unviable."

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Terren Suydam

I can't believe Harper's Weekly hasn't mentioned the
brewing White House scandal in which a gay prostitute,
using an assumed name, got a press pass for presidential
press conferences. I would have thought this was right up
Harper's alley, if you'll pardon the expression.

* * * * * * * * *

Subsonic Chronic

TRIBE Member

President George W. Bush demanded that Syria pull out of
Lebanon. Syria agreed to move its troops into eastern
Lebanon, but the U.S. State Department warned that this is
not enough. Iraqi insurgents killed seventeen people. A
poll found that most Americans are against Social Security
reform, and the U.S. Mint planned to circulate $5 million
in new buffalo nickels. A 22-pound, century-old lobster
was caught off Nantucket, and a 13-pound, 13-ounce baby
boy was born in Britain; the boy's mother credited the
boy's size to her steady diet of cockles, herring,
mussels, and crab claws, provided by her fishmonger
husband. A toddler in Deer Park, Texas, drowned in a dirty
swimming pool. Nevada announced that it would cost $2
billion to pipe water from rural Nevada to Las Vegas, and
the town of Hodmezovasarhely, Hungary, offered honorary
citizenship to all Hungarians living abroad. Most
Hungarian adults were found to be single. Microsoft was
developing a teddy bear with a rotating head that will
watch little children, and a toddler in Nebraska strangled
himself with an automatic car window as his mother's
boyfriend played soccer nearby. Bill Gates was
knighted. In Bangladesh, four infants were on trial for
looting, with bail set at fifty dollars per infant.

U.N. peacekeepers killed sixty Hema in Congo in order to
protect the Lendu. Two community colleges in California
halted their student-exchange program with Spain after
Spain pulled out of the Iraq war. A Swiss synesthete who
tastes music reported that Bach is creamy. 50 Cent
expelled The Game from G Unit; gunfire followed. President
Bush said that his administration granted $2 billion to
social programs at churches, synagogues, and mosques in
2004--20 percent more than in 2003. The President made it
clear that these programs did not discriminate based on
faith. "All drunks are welcome," he said. The U.S. State
Department released a report criticizing other countries
for using torture techniques often used by the United
States, and four Iraqis and four Afghanis sued Donald
Rumsfeld for torture. Italy paid the ransom for a
journalist kidnapped in Iraq; U.S. forces then fired on
the journalist's escape car, killing an Italian military
intelligence agent and wounding the journalist. At around
the same time, U.S. troops accidentally shot and killed a
Bulgarian soldier. China condemned the United States'
human-rights record, and Darryl Strawberry said that
baseball players who use steroids lack
discipline. U.S. scientists were working on a device that
shoots pain rays up to two kilometers. Jack Nicklaus's
toddler grandson drowned in a hot tub. A Maryland woman
died after being locked in her bedroom for six years, and
Sony made a Welshman its chairman.

Scientists found that a man's boisterousness is a
reflection of whether his index finger is short when
compared to his ring finger. Three anonymous donors gave
$3 million to resurrect the canceled TV show "Star Trek:
Enterprise," and a very rich man flew solo around the
world in sixty-seven hours. Martha Stewart was released
from prison. While incarcerated Stewart's wealth increased
$700 million, and her cappuccino machine broke. Alan
Greenspan called for the United States to replace the
income tax with a consumption tax. The Department of
Homeland Security required 1,700 legal immigrants to wear
ankle bracelets, and a toddler was swept away in the Rio
Grande as his parents tried to cross into Texas from
Mexico. Representative Jim Gibbons of Nevada called for
liberals to be used as human shields in Iraq; he later
apologized for plagiarizing his remarks. The House passed
a bill that provides for special elections if one hundred or
more representatives are killed. A poll found that
Americans want a Democrat to be elected president in the
next election on the television show "The West Wing." Bill
Clinton slept on the floor of an airplane so that George
H.W. Bush could have a nice soft bed, and in South Africa
a goat adopted a baby rhino. Archeologists in Ethiopia
unearthed several four-million-year-old skeletons believed
to be ancestors of modern humans. The president of Bolivia
resigned, and Niger decided not to hold a ceremony to free
seven thousand slaves, because slavery does not exist in
Niger. The U.N. predicted that 90 million Africans will
have HIV by 2025, and the pope could speak
again. Thirty-seven percent of American Jews said that
they were "often disturbed" by Israeli policy, and the
Israeli army denied high-level security clearance to
soldiers who play Dungeons & Dragons. A U.S. government
report suggested that there are more Palestinians than
Israelis. Britain's BAE Systems agreed to buy America's
United Defense Industries, maker of the Bradley Fighting
Vehicle, for $4 billion. The U.S. Navy was looking into
whether sonar confuses dolphins, causing them to surface
too quickly and get the bends. In California, a couple
visiting an animal sanctuary to celebrate their pet
chimp's thirty-ninth birthday were just about to cut into
a birthday cake when two other chimps, presumably jealous,
attacked. The chimps, Buddy and Ollie, bit off the
sixty-two-year-old man's fingers, gouged out one of his
eyes, ripped off his nose, hacked off a foot and parts of
his lips, mutilated his buttocks, and tore off his
testicles. The chimps also bit off his wife's thumb before
they were shot and killed. The birthday chimp was
unharmed. A pedophile marijuana grower shot and killed
four Mounties, then himself, in Alberta, Canada. The White
House Press Office approved a press pass for a blogger,
and members of Congress were themselves blogging. FOX News
had over twice as many viewers as CNN. A toddler was lost
in the Alabama woods; police, firemen, and family friends
searched for him in vain. Finally, he was rescued by a
three-legged dog.

Subsonic Chronic

TRIBE Member

In Iraq, the director of the al-Furat hospital in Baghdad
was shot dead. A roadside bomb went off in Basra, killing
a policeman, and two Sudanese drivers who work with
U.S. forces were taken hostage. A gunman opened fire on a
minibus filled with people working for a Kuwaiti company,
killing one and wounding three, and a garbage-truck
suicide bomb killed three people and injured more than
twenty. Thirty-nine dead bodies were found west and south
of Baghdad; some had been beheaded, and others had been
handcuffed before they were shot. Many were members of the
Iraqi Interior Ministry's specially trained rapid-response
team. A suicide bomber killed forty-seven at a Shiite
funeral in Mosul. "We are all waiting for death," said an
Iraqi soldier, "like the moon waiting for sunset." In
Beirut, at least five hundred thousand rallied to show
their support for Syria; hundreds of thousands of Lebanese
then came out to rally against Syria, and two hundred
rallied against Syria in Minneapolis. According to a
confidential government report, the American aviation
system was still vulnerable to terrorist attacks, and
President George W. Bush reaffirmed his vow to fix Social
Security. "You will get your checks," he said. The
President nominated John Bolton, a man who strongly
dislikes multinational institutions, to be U.S. ambassador
to the United Nations. He also nominated Karen Hughes as
Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy; her job will
be to improve the image of the United States
abroad. Twenty U.S. federal agencies, including the
Defense Department and the Census Bureau, were found to
have prepared hundreds of video news releases favorable to
the government, many of which were inserted into local
television news broadcasts without attribution. The world
held China in ever-higher esteem. An Oregon high-school
teacher was under investigation for licking the bleeding
wounds of his students, and ninety Danish master bakers
were working to improve the flavor of communion
wafers. The pope relinquished most of his Easter
duties. NASA considered ending the mission of Voyager 1,
which is thirteen light-hours from the sun, and a new
service, Talktoaliens.com, allowed people to send messages
directly into space via telephone for $3.99 a minute. The
United Nations gave up trying to stop human cloning.

Paul Schaefer, a former member of the Luftwaffe who
emigrated to Chile, founded a cult, provided torture
facilities for Pinochet, and molested many children, was
captured in Argentina. In Atlanta, a defendant on trial
for rape grabbed a deputy's gun and went on a shooting
spree, wounding the deputy and killing the judge presiding
over his case, a court reporter, and a different
deputy. He stole several vehicles and took a woman
hostage. The woman won his trust, made him pancakes, and
turned him in. Online gamers were outsourcing the hard
parts of video-game playing to Romania. An Arizona
ice-cream-truck driver who raped and impregnated a
nine-year-old girl was sentenced to life in prison, as was
a twelve-year-old British boy who raped his special-needs
teacher. It was revealed that the United States had held
children as young as eleven years old at Abu Ghraib prison
in Iraq, and a badly prepared snack killed twenty-seven
children in the Philippines. The mayor of Nezahualcoyotl,
Mexico, ordered everyone on the 1,100-member
Nezahualcoyotl police force to read one book a month. A
New York judge dismissed a lawsuit brought against
Monsanto, Dow Chemical, and several other chemical
companies on behalf of 4 million Vietnamese who were
poisoned by the 80 million liters of Agent Orange sprayed
during the Vietnam War. The judge said that there was no
clear link between Agent Orange and the illnesses of the
Vietnamese plaintiffs, even though the U.S. government
currently pays compensation to ten thousand U.S. veterans
of the Vietnam War impaired by Agent Orange. It was likely
that half a billion people had malaria. Russian forces
assassinated Aslan Maskhadov, the elected, internationally
recognized leader of the Chechen movement, and Gary
Kasparov decided to retire. The president of Malawi
refused to sleep in his palace because it is haunted with
evil ghosts, and South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham,
addressing a Tennessee celebration honoring Abraham
Lincoln, said that South Carolina did not "do Lincoln Day
Dinners" because "it takes awhile to get over things."

In India, several hundred people reenacted Gandhi's 1930
twenty-four-day march to the Arabian Sea to make
salt. Nearly half of India's cabinet marched, although
many returned to their hotels after walking a short
distance. A Georgia man was arrested for setting up a
methamphetamine lab in a Kmart bathroom, and a New Jersey
man was arrested for a string of burglaries. "He defecated
in at least four residences," said a prosecutor. "When he
was taken into custody, he also defecated, and that was in
his pants." Panda breeding season began. In Atlanta,
zookeepers were watching Lun Lun the panda for signs of
ovulation; when she is ready to mate they will reintroduce
her to Yang Yang. A plume of smoke thousands of feet tall
spewed from Mount St. Helens, and an Idaho teenager was in
trouble for frosting brownies with his semen. Bubba, the
22-pound lobster caught off the Nantucket shore, died,
most likely from stress, and a rubbery, plaque-like
substance was removed from Bill Clinton. Prince Charles
visited New Zealand, where he was met by a woman with the
across her bare chest. The Prince smiled. The state of
Washington declared a drought, and a falling tree crushed
the legs of Edgar Killen, a Mississippi Baptist minister
and Ku Klux Klansman currently facing trial for the 1964
murder of three civil rights workers. A study showed that
African-American men die at nearly twice the rate of white
men. Other studies showed that thousands might die of the
avian flu in New Zealand, the Pentagon was not to blame
for the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib, and soap and
water are effective in cleaning your hands. The United
States announced plans to reduce the number of prisoners
at Guantanamo Bay by freeing some and sending others to
Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, and Yemen, and the Army was
testing a new environmentally friendly, hydrogen-powered
vehicle called The Aggressor. Humans could still beat
robots at arm wrestling. A woman's head was found in a
bowling bag in New Jersey, a San Diego woman died when her
building was fumigated to kill termites, and Dan Rather
left the CBS Evening News. "Courage," he said.

--Paul Ford

Permanent URL for this column:

General URL for the latest Weekly Review:

Copyright 2005 Harper's Magazine Foundation

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SOURCES are available at Harpers.org -- just click the
"sources" button in the top right corner.

* * * * * * * * *

CORRECTION: The last Harper's Weekly stated that
U.N. peacekeepers in Congo attacked the Hema to protect
the Lendu. In fact, the peacekeepers in Congo attacked the
Lendu to protect the Hema.

* * * * * * * * *

UPDATES: Bubba the recently deceased lobster was
apparently not a century old. Recent reports put him
between twenty and fifty years of age. The man who shot
four Mounties was not running a marijuana farm. Rather, he
was running an automobile chop shop.

* * * * * * * * *


TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Zeben Putnam

No offence to Ami Tallman, but the retorts and additions
offered in letters to Harper's Weekly add an additional
facit - interactivity - which often expands my experience
of the column (analogous, obviosly, to Letters in Harper's
Magazine). They are too few and discovered gleefully when
included. I suggest, with faith in continued good editing,
that they persist.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Ron Urbanski

In this week's Harper's Weekly you wrote, "President Bush
said that his administration granted $2 billion to social
programs at churches, synagogues, and mosques in 2004--20
percent more than in 2003."

This is only part of the story.

According to Esther Kaplan in a 10/29/04 BuzzFlash
interview, "Bush's faith-based initiative also privileges
Christianity above all other religions. After sifting
through every grant announcement I could get my hands on
from Bush's faith-based offices, I couldn't find a single
grant issued to a religious charity that wasn't Christian
-- no Jewish charities, no Muslim charities, nothing. And
when I spoke with Jim Towey, director of the White House
Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, he
confirmed that no direct federal grants from his program
had gone to a non-Christian religious group."


TRIBE Member
March 22, 2005
* * * * * * * * *

The U.S. Senate subpoenaed Terri Schiavo, a woman who has
been in a persistent vegetative state since 1991, to
testify before the Health, Education, and Labor
Committee. The subpoena was intended to make it impossible
for Schiavo to be taken off the feeding tube that allows
her to survive; the order, however, was defied by a
Florida judge, and the feeding tube was removed. Schiavo
then began to die of dehydration. The House and Senate
held emergency sessions in order to pass a bill that would
transfer Schiavo's case from state court to federal
court. The bill was then signed by President George
W. Bush, who had flown in from his ranch in Crawford,
Texas, for the occasion. Schiavo's husband, who wants to
let her die, wondered why Congress was expending so much
energy on the case. "Why doesn't Congress worry about
people not having health insurance?" he asked. "Or the
budget? Let's talk about all the children who don't have
homes." Schiavo described House Majority leader Tom DeLay,
who is leading the fight to reinsert Terri Schiavo's
feeding tube, as a "little slithering snake." Global
warming was melting the glaciers in the Himalayas, and a
snow festival in Arctic Greenland was canceled due to a
heat wave. The Senate passed a resolution that will permit
drilling for oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife
Refuge, and Americans celebrated the second birthday of
the war in Iraq. As soldiers in Apache helicopters and
Humvees kept watch, the National Assembly of Iraq held its
first meeting. Two hundred and seventy-five members gathered
at a convention center on the Tigris River while explosions
rattled the center's windows. North of Baghdad, a suicide
car bomber killed three members of the Iraqi National
Guard and wounded eleven. Iraqi barbers were being killed
because they gave Western-style haircuts and cut off
beards. Italy announced that it would start withdrawing
its troops from Iraq in September. George W. Bush
recommended Paul Wolfowitz to head the World Bank,
describing him as a "compassionate, decent man," and a
television exploded in Egypt, killing four children.

The Department of Homeland Security was preparing for: the
detonation of a ten-kiloton nuclear device; a biological
attack with aerosolized anthrax; an outbreak of pneumonic
plague; a flu pandemic starting in south China; the
spraying of a chemical blister agent over a football
stadium; an attack on an oil refinery; the explosion of a
tank of chlorine; a 7.2-magnitude earthquake; a major
hurricane in a metropolitan area; three Cesium-137 dirty
bombs going off in three different cities, each
contaminating thirty-six city blocks; the detonation of
improvised bombs in sports stadiums and emergency rooms;
liquid anthrax in ground beef; a foot-and-mouth disease
outbreak; and a cyber attack on the nation's financial
infrastructure. Edeka, a German supermarket chain,
announced that shoppers would soon be able to pay using
their fingerprints, and Bernard Ebbers, the former chief
executive of WorldCom, was convicted of securities fraud,
conspiracy, and seven counts of filing false
reports. Martha Stewart was finding her ankle bracelet to
be both "uncomfortable and irritating." Kofi Annan
proposed to expand the U.N. security council to
twenty-four members, and China took steps to stop an
invasion of red ants. A North Carolina dentist was in
trouble for filling syringes with his semen and squirting
the semen into the mouths of several female
patients. Bobby Short died, as did John DeLorean, and
Scott Peterson was sentenced to death.

Two journalists in Malawi were arrested for reporting
that President Bingu wa Mutharika was scared of ghosts,
and the Washington state legislature was trying to decide
whether to classify goat-napping as a misdemeanor or a
felony. Angry at a corrupt election, Kyrgyzstani
protesters took over municipal buildings in the city of
Osh, and Ukraine revealed that, between 1999 and 2001,
local arms dealers had smuggled eighteen nuclear-capable
Kh-55 cruise missiles to Iran and China. A group of
researchers at Stanford University were preparing to use
stem cells from aborted fetuses to create a mouse that has
human brain cells, and a British cannibal was imprisoned
for life. The Pentagon admitted that many of the prisoners
who have died in American custody in Iraq and Afghanistan
since 2002 were victims of criminal homicide. The pope,
too ill to perform Palm Sunday mass, waved an olive branch
from his apartment window, and police in York,
Pennsylvania, arrested a fifty-three-year-old serial sheep
molester in a barn. The man said he was just petting the
sheep, even though it was 3 A.M., it was not his barn, and
he had baler's twine in his back pocket, which can be used
to bind sheep. People were selling their bodies to
advertisers as display space. Southeast of Baghdad,
U.S. troops killed twenty-six Iraqi militants, and police
in Florida arrested a five-year-old girl at her
kindergarten, binding her hands with plastic ties and
placing handcuffs around her ankles. The girl, who weighs
forty pounds, was upset about some jelly beans. "They set
my baby up," said her mother. Alan Greenspan related that
when he needs inspiration prior to giving a speech, he
turns on a large fan, strips naked, and takes a nice hot
bath. A magnitude-7.0 earthquake hit Japan, tornadoes
struck Bangladesh, and floods in Afghanistan killed more
than two hundred people. Pollution has killed all but
thirteen river dolphins in China's Yangtze River. The
United Nations estimated that 180,000 people have died in
Darfur since October 2003, and municipal workers in
Buffalo, New York, were asked to provide their own toilet
paper at work due to a budget crisis. A Wisconsin woman
rammed her car into a Catholic church after deciding that
God does not exist; her car was destroyed, but the church
was unharmed. Evangelical Christians from the United
States and ultra-Orthodox Jews in Israel were working
together to stop homosexuals from marching through
Jerusalem, and a woman in Zimbabwe testified that she had
paid an advisor $5,000 to fly four invisible mermaids,
named Emma, Charmaine, Sharvine, and Bella, from London to
Zimbabwe. Satan's face appeared on a turtle's shell in
Indiana, and a judge in Pennsylvania refused to let two
first cousins marry. United States gas prices reached a
record high, and a woman in India committed suicide so
that her two blind sons could each receive one of her
eyes. Doctors said there was little chance that such a
transplant would work.

--Paul Ford

* * * * * * * * *


TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Paul Perkins

You wrote: "Paul Schaefer, a former member of the
Luftwaffe who emigrated to Chile, founded a cult, provided
torture facilities for Pinochet, and molested many
children, was captured in Argentina."

Without his title of general or even a first name, a young
person might be left wondering what the hell
U.S. corporation you're talking about here.

* * * * * * * * *
tribe cannabis goldsmith - gold cannabis accessories


TRIBE Member
April 5, 2005
* * * * * * * * *

Militants in Iraq attacked the Abu Ghraib prison, wounding
forty-four American soldiers and twelve prisoners. Britain
announced that it will pull 5,500 troops from Iraq and
increase its presence in Afghanistan, to help with the
hunt for Osama bin Laden. Syria vowed to be out of Lebanon
by the end of April, and Canada decided not to deport a
flying squirrel. An earthquake off Sumatra killed at least
one thousand people, and five American soldiers were
arrested for trying to use military aircraft to smuggle
cocaine from Colombia into the United States. A Russian
court found a museum director and an artist guilty of
creating blasphemous art and fined them $3,600 each. The
piece in question depicted Jesus on a Coca-Cola
advertisement with the words "this is my blood." In
France, radical wine producers threw sticks of dynamite at
a state agriculture office and demanded that the state
take action to stop the depression in French wine
prices. Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe's party won a
two-thirds majority in a rigged election, and Malawian
President Bingu wa Mutharika insisted that he was not
afraid of ghosts but did not comment on reports that one
of his predecessors had often been visited by mysterious
dwarfs. A British sex festival was cancelled because not
enough people wanted to go, and the European Union placed
a 15 percent duty on American trousers and sweet
corn. Fifty-nine former American diplomats were planning
to send a letter urging the Senate to reject John
R. Bolton's nomination as ambassador to the United
Nations, and a Saudi Arabian princess was arrested for
keeping slaves in Winchester, Massachusetts.

A former scout master in Houston, Texas, resigned from the
Lion's Club and turned himself in for sexually abusing a
blind nine-year-old boy, and a former policeman was
arrested for flying to Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, in order to
molest boys. Scientists in California developed a scale
that can measure the mass of a cluster of xenon atoms. It
turns out that they weigh a few zeptograms. Harvard
students were upset that the brand-name cereals in their
dining halls had been replaced with generic brands, and
Terri Schiavo's parents authorized a direct-marketing firm
to sell a list of those who contributed to Terri's
cause. New York State legislators met their budget
deadline for the first time in twenty-one years. Cambodia
privatized the Killing Fields at Cheoung Ek; a Japanese
firm will plant flowers near the tower of eight thousand
skulls and will raise admission rates. Laura Bush spent
six hours in Afghanistan and said that she and President
George W. Bush both have living wills. A federal judge
refused to let the Bush Administration, which opposes
torture, send prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to other
prisons abroad without granting the prisoners access to
the courts. The United States announced that it will
establish nine new military bases in Afghanistan, bringing
the total to twelve; Afghanistan announced that it will
once again postpone parliamentary elections. Taliban
militants killed nine policemen in southern Afghanistan.

A new report on American intelligence failures concluded
that the Bush Administration's evidence of biological
weapons in Iraq was almost entirely derived from reports
made by an Iraqi defector code-named "Curveball," who was
described by those who knew him as "crazy" and "a
congenital liar." An investigation determined that the
rate of malnutrition in Iraqi children under five has
nearly doubled since the U.S. invaded, and the U.S. Army's
Psychological Operations group was developing propaganda
science fiction comic books for distribution in the Middle
East. Nearly ten years after the Oklahoma City bombing, an
FBI search found explosives in a crawl space in Terry
Nichols's former home, and Pakistan successfully
test-fired the Hatf II, a short-range nuclear-capable
missile. In Mecca, a man stabbed his father to death after
the father threatened to tattle on the man for not
praying, and in Israel, someone spray-painted the words
"murderous dog" on Yitzhak Rabin's grave. Noting their
mutual hatred of Jews, a neo-Nazi in Florida called on Al
Qaeda to join forces with the Aryan Nations, and Olga, the
first Siberian tiger ever fitted with a radio collar, was
believed to have been killed by poachers. Robert Creeley,
Terri Schiavo, Johnnie Cochran, Frank Perdue, Mitch
Hedberg, and the pope died, as did the man who wrote the
theme song to "Gidget." Turkeys attacked elementary school
students in Indiana, and the Boy Scouts' Director of
Programming was arrested on child pornography charges. A
Minnesota man threw a toddler at a policeman, and a huge
naked screaming Wisconsin man was shot as he threatened
his equally naked children with scissors. Ms. Wheelchair
Wisconsin was stripped of her title after she was caught
standing up, Hamas and Islamic Jihad announced that they
would join the PLO, and a handicapped man used a computer
chip implanted in his brain to control a television. The
Marburg virus was still killing people in Angola. Paul
Wolfowitz was confirmed as head of the World Bank, and a
Toronto man attempted to pass a Breathalyzer test by
stuffing his mouth full of his own feces. In Shanghai, a
man stabbed and killed another man for selling their
jointly owned imaginary cyber-sword without sharing the
proceeds, and after four years of hard work, 1,300
researchers in ninety-five countries concluded that humans
are destroying the world.

--Paul Ford

* * * * * * * * *


TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Merna Maher
SUBJECT: Minnesota Shooting

Maybe you were just a tad too eager on this one? Shame on
you. The kid's dad killed himself, his mother as good as
did the same, it seems. And the story became more
interesting yesterday with the second arrest in the
case. So, okay, the hit on the NRA was fine, but there was
nothing else funny about this story.

Merna Maher and yes, I subscribe to the magazine, have for
years. One of my kids can't figure out why. Thinks it's
"just like Readers' Digest." I tell him, I wouldn't go
that far.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Antonio Llanos
SUBJECT: Minnesota Shooting

You should probably add that the "...overweight loner
Chippewa neo-Nazi goth teenager" was also on Prozac and
recently had his dosage increased. That additional fact
doesnt seem to get mentioned very often.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Ness Blackbird

You wrote, "Most of America thought Congress should shut
up about Schiavo" -- and I couldn't agree more. The
newsmedia has been wasting an enormous amount of time and
energy on this vacant subject as well. I subscribe to
Harper's Weekly to get something a little diffâ€erent...

The whole subject is one of an endless progression of
distractions from the real issues. Did you know, for
example, that the House has passed a bill which gives the
Secretary of Homeland Security the right to "Waive any and
all laws"? The Real ID Act of 2005 (HR 418). Wouldn't it
be better to make a little space for that instead of
bloody Terry Schiavo?

Nothing has been the same since Hodge stopped doing this
column...why don't the current author(s) sign it?...which
is as it should be, of course, but please try to bring it
back up towards his standard. I'm sorry, but it's just not

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Greg DePaco

Re: Item, "a television exploded in Egypt, killing four
children": What were children doing in the room with a
television, anyways?

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Annie Buckley

I was pleased to find that Harpers issued a weekly news
synopsis and signed up when I subscribed to the
magazine. As a new subscriber, I was enthusiastic and
dutifully read through the selection each week. But before
long, I began to dread the arrival of "Harpers Weekly" in
my inbox. The seemingly snuck-in additions of obviously
weird and shocking news appeared when I least expected
them, which I suppose was the idea, but to what end?

There I'd be, reading along about Iraq or welfare, and
suddenly an arm is growing out of a penis or frozen urine
is falling from the sky. I'm rather squeamish and found
myself postponing reading for days, sometimes until a new
one arrived. I wondered about my hesitation with the news,
and started reading select passages to my boyfriend who
asked "why do you read this stuff?" thinking I was reading
web versions of magazines whose bizarre headlines call to
you in the grocery check-out line, I can just see it
"Manicured Nail in Woman's Chile"...but this is Harpers, I
told him.

Granted, the world can be a mine field, and news can be,
and often is, revolting, but for entirely different, and
much deeper, reasons that the reactions we have in reading
headlines in grocery stores. Spiking the news renders
these items as exclamation points of some alternate but,
at least to me, mysterious, agenda. Or maybe it is meant
to be a joke, but if so, why exploit these items and the
people who experienced them, in the process?

I think the writers enjoy seeking these out and slipping
them into an otherwise semi-serious quick look at the
news, so how about dedicating a separate bulletin (even
paragraph would be an improvement) to the absurd and
bizarre occurrences in our world? I am sure they could
find even more to fill it out for those so inclined, the
world is full of such oddities. But I guess I prefer my
news straight up; life is strange enough as it is.

* * * * * * * * *


TRIBE Member
May 3, 2005

In Iraq at least one hundred Iraqis and eleven U.S. troops
were killed in a span of four days. More than twenty car
bombs were detonated, and in one case, a suicide bomber
drove a car bomb into a Kurdish funeral tent, killing at
least twenty-five people. According to General Richard
Myers, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the
strength of the Iraqi militant movement has not diminished
during the past year. Arab newspapers reported that Donald
Rumsfeld had a secret visit with Saddam Hussein and
offered to free him if Hussein called for a ceasefire in
Iraq. Hussein apparently refused. Doctors in Belgium
treated a fifteen-year-old Iraqi girl for leg wounds
caused by a cluster bomb, then sent the bill to the
U.S. embassy. The bodies of around 1,500 Kurds, identified
by their distinctive clothing, were found in a mass grave
near the Iraqi town of Samawa, and the National Assembly
of Iraq approved its first democratically elected,
Shiite-dominated government. A Colorado high school
student decided to test Army recruitment policies by
telling a recruiter that he had dropped out of high school
and was addicted to marijuana. The recruiter told the
student how to get a fake diploma over the Internet and
instructed him to take a detoxification formula so that he
could pass the Army's drug test. The Army was planning to
change its rules to exempt good athletes from active duty
so they can serve in professional sports leagues, and
Lynndie England's lawyer said that England would plead
guilty to charges against her in the Abu Ghraib
case. Syria announced that it would renew diplomatic
relations with Iraq. United States veterans commemorated
the thirtieth anniversary of the fall of Saigon by laying
a wreath at the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, D.C.,
while in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, veterans held a parade
and costumed dancers acted out the crashing of
U.S. warplanes. Kenya's parliament passed a motion calling
for the castration of rapists. "The Bible," announced the
Kenyan health minister, "says that if any part of the body
causes you to sin, it should be removed."? In South
Africa, two men were convicted of feeding a coworker to
lions, and Israeli settlers were accused of spreading rat
poison over the fields of Palestinian farmers. In
Bangladesh, the number of people throwing acid on women
was down from previous years, and Norway sent a woman to
jail for raping a man.

More than half of the people in the United States were
breathing bad air. A Rhode Island man was arrested after
he offered an undercover policewoman T-bone steaks in
exchange for sex, and the Girl Scouts were suing people
who didn't pay for their cookies. The state court of
Florida blocked a thirteen-year-old girl from having an
abortion. "Why can't I make my own decision?" the girl
asked a judge. "I don't know," the judge answered. An
ivory-billed woodpecker, thought extinct for over fifty
years, was spotted in Arkansas. "It is kind of like
finding Elvis," said a representative of the Audubon
Society. A flock of fifty sheep with partially human
organs was grazing outside of Las Vegas. President George
W. Bush was sent to the underground bunker at the White
House and Dick Cheney was escorted to a secure location
after a very scary cloud turned up on government
radar. Bush also gave his fourth prime-time news
conference and took a firm stance against North
Korea. "Perhaps Kim Jong Il has got the capacity to launch
a weapon," he said. "Wouldn't it be nice to be able to
shoot it down?"? North Korea then fired a missile into the
Sea of Japan. Laura Bush told jokes at the White House
Correspondents' Association dinner. She accused her
husband of attempting to milk a male horse and compared
her mother-in-law to a Mafia don. "I am a desperate
housewife," she said.

There was an outbreak of polio in Yemen, and surveys found
that at least one third of the wives in Kyrgyzstan had been
abducted and forced to marry against their will. "I told
him I didn't want to date anyone," said one woman, "so he
decided to kidnap me the next day." A middle school in
Boulder, Colorado, banned hugging, suggesting that
students high-five instead, and a high school in
Pennsylvania prohibited students from carrying any kind of
bag aside from lunch bags, which will be inspected. The
Clovis, New Mexico, police locked down a middle school,
closed off several streets, and placed officers on
rooftops before discovering that what they thought was a
weapon carried by a student was actually a thirty-inch
burrito. Egypt was planning to cut down on noise pollution
in Cairo by stopping individual calls to prayer from the
city's four thousand mosques; instead, the call to prayer
will be centralized. The Austrian housewares chain Baumax
renamed their tool shed from "Mauthausen," which was the
name of a Nazi concentration camp, to "Linde," which means
"linden tree."? Berkshire Hathaway, Warren Buffett's
investment company, lost about $310 million by betting
against the dollar, and the Museum of Foreign Debt opened
in Argentina. The museum includes a doll-sized play
kitchen to represent the financial "recipes" of the
International Monetary Fund. "Look," said the museum's
designer. "We open the freezer and the oven and there is
no food." In Managua, protesters hit the son of
Nicaragua's president in the head with a rock. A mob in
India lynched and beheaded two women for witchcraft, and a
state representative in Alabama put forward a bill that
would prohibit school libraries from purchasing books by
gay authors. The measure died when not enough state
legislators showed up to vote. Venezuela opened a new
branch of its state oil company in Cuba, an Australian
cemetery received permission to bury people upright and
without coffins, and in Peru, authorities saved four
thousand frogs from being put into blenders and made into

-- Paul Ford


TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Henry Willis

I believe that more recent reports suggest that these
corpses taken from the Tigris may not be hostages, in any
meaningful sense, but the unfortunate victims of
carjackings at illegal roadblocks in the area. Victims of
the ongoing chaos in Iraq, but not necessarily victims of
ideological or religious conflicts. Of course, given the
state of reporting and the degree of official mendacity in
wartime, this "correction" could be wrong too.

As for the nineteen victims, I read a report suggesting
that they were fishermen, not soldiers.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Steve Parr

weekly review is disgustingly cynical and fascinated with
the grotesque. this isn't helping at all to change the
status quo that i thought dissatisifed you.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Ken Delude

I enjoy your tongue-in-cheek,sarcastic writings but to say
that the Pope belonged to The Nazi Youth Party without
explaining how with many, most of Germanys youth were
mostly co-erced to join as I understand and also the
statement that he ordered instances of Priest pedophilia
being hidden is a very serious statement I think should be
substantiated because you are influencing your readers to
think a certain way about the new Pope and a negative view
of thr Roman Catholic religion. I ask you to substantiate
the pedophilia comment or apologize! Amateur vs
(supposedly) professioanl!

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: John O'Rourke

Hey Paul, how about the Pope elected on Hitler's birthday?


TRIBE Member
May 10, 2005

* * * * * * * * *

A papyrologist at Oxford University announced that new
techniques in spectral imaging, which make it possible to
decipher previously illegible ink on papyrus fragments,
have yielded parts of a lost tragedy by Sophocles, a novel
by Lucian, and an epic poem by Archilochos; researchers
also applied the technique to third- and fourth-century
manuscripts of the Revelation of Saint John and discovered
that the number of the beast, contrary to popular belief,
is 616, the area code of Grand Rapids, Michigan. A
Washington woman found a snake with legs, locusts plagued
Bangladesh, and Zimbabwe was at risk of famine. More than
100,000 Americans were working at home answering
customer-service phone calls. In Iraq, two F/A-18 Hornet
jets collided in mid-air, a suicide bomber killed sixty
people at a police-recruitment center, and at least
forty-seven people were killed in bombings and gun
attacks. Fourteen bodies, clad in white robes, were found
in shallow graves, and Saddam Hussein's nephew was
arrested. President George W. Bush announced the capture
of a "major facilitator and chief planner for the Al Qaeda
network." The captured man turned out to be a mid-level Al
Qaeda operative named Abu Faraj al-Libbi. "He used to make
the coffee and do the photocopying," said a former
associate. Nevada Senator Harry Reid said Bush was a
loser, while Virginia Representative Jim Moran described
Bush as someone who does not read books, who surrounds
himself with sycophants, and who has his ass kissed by
Dick Cheney.

A second case of polio was reported in Indonesia, and an
outbreak of meningitis in India killed fifteen. In Peru a
bus fell nearly 1,000 feet into a ravine, killing forty. A
Providence, Rhode Island, man attacked a goose and stomped
its goslings to death, and two swans were stabbed to death
in the Bronx. Vietnam decided to vaccinate 600,000 birds
for avian flu. Turkey banned four porn channels from its
satellite TV network, Texas lawmakers were trying to stop
sexy cheerleading, and Norway declared striptease an art
form. A study showed that babies have favorite colors, and
they like brown the least. "Brown might mean dirt," said a
researcher. IBM announced that it would fire up to 13,000
employees in Europe and the United States. It was the 60th
anniversary of VE Day. The German ambassador to London
called on Britain to change its attitude towards
Germany. "They continue to see us as Nazis," he said, "as
if they have to refight the battles every evening." Around
three thousand neo-Nazis rallied in Berlin. President Bush
attended a display of Soviet pageantry in Russia. An
online casino bought the pope's old Volkswagen for
$244,800, and in Chicago a vandal painted the words "big
lie" over a stain on a roadside wall that many people
believe is an apparition of the Virgin Mary; onlookers
wept as a road crew covered the stain with brown paint.

The Department of Homeland Security announced that it had
wasted a great deal of money and needed much
more. U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that
most of the allegations of abuse by detainees in Iraq,
Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay do not meet his definition
of torture. The United States was sending prisoners to
Uzbekistan so that they could be tortured more fully. In
Uzbekistan the most common torture techniques are beating
and asphyxiation with a gas mask; however, victims can
also have their genitals shocked, their toenails plucked
out, and they can be boiled to death. It was revealed that
soon after September 11, 2001, the CIA sent a team of
agents to Afghanistan with orders to "capture Bin Laden,
kill him, and bring his head back in a box." Spain gave
700,000 illegal immigrants amnesty, and Faure Gnassingbe,
the son of the former president of Togo, was named
president of Togo. Eighteen thousand five hundred people
have fled Togo as a result of election violence. A secret
British memo from July 2002, summarizing a meeting between
Tony Blair and his security advisors, was made public. The
memo implied that President Bush had already made up his
mind to go to war in Iraq, despite his claims to the
contrary, and that intelligence and facts about Iraq would
be "fixed around the policy." Eighty-eight members of
Congress signed a letter, written by Representative John
Conyers of Michigan, calling for an inquiry into the
memo. "This should not," wrote Conyers, "be allowed to
fall down the memory hole during wall-to-wall coverage of
the Michael Jackson trial and a runaway bride." It was
revealed that the runaway bride had once shoplifted. Two
grenades went off outside the British consulate in New
York City, damaging a flower planter, and Tony Blair won
another term as Prime Minister. England's Prince Harry
entered the Army. The Mayor of Spokane, Washington, an
opponent of gay rights, was accused of being a pedophile;
he insisted that he cruised the Internet only for men of
legal age. Ave Maria University, a Catholic college
founded by the retired CEO of Domino's Pizza, graduated
its first class and gave an honorary degree to L. Paul
Bremer, who told the assembled graduates that Muslim
extremists were against the separation of church and
state. A Baptist church in North Carolina booted out nine
of its members for being Democrats, and a
seventeen-year-old woman was thrown out of her village in
India after her stomach swelled up; villagers believed she
was carrying the "devil's child," but the swelling turned
out to be a 33-pound tumor the size of five fetuses. The
Kansas state school board began four days of hearings on
how to teach the origin of life; all of the witnesses in
the hearing were opposed to teaching evolution. Twelve new
moons were discovered orbiting Saturn. In Victoria,
British Columbia, a man was barred from a civic meeting
because he was dressed as a giant piece of feces named
"Mr. Floatie," and in San Francisco, twelve penguins died
of chlamydia. The FDA announced that men who have had gay
sex in the last five years will not be eligible to donate
sperm anonymously, and a college student in New Jersey
unearthed an 1888 interview with Walt Whitman in which
Whitman gave advice to young men pursuing a career in
literature. "First, don't write poetry," he said. "Second
ditto; third ditto."

-- Paul Ford

* * * * * * * * *


TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Paul Perkins

Let me guess: You were planning on writing about Georgia's
runaway bride, but at the last minute you were kidnapped
by a Hispanic man and a white woman and ended up at a 7-11
in Albuquerque completely unaware that The Nation was
searching for you.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Alexander Boldizar

To say that a middle school in Boulder, Colorado, banned
hugging, without listing the gain in safety, both
interpersonal and sexual, from non-hugging; and the costs
in terms of psychological trauma and sociological
alienation of banning hugging, well, it is all too
flippantly fatuous. You need to be more earnest. Include
in your list: "three idiots wrote this week suggesting
that we address the issues properly."


TRIBE Member
Originally posted by OTIS
also applied the technique to third- and fourth-century
manuscripts of the Revelation of Saint John and discovered
that the number of the beast, contrary to popular belief,
is 616
lol.. death metal has never seen such a low tide!
tribe cannabis accessories silver grinders

Boss Hog

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by OTIS
The United States was sending prisoners to
Uzbekistan so that they could be tortured more fully. In
Uzbekistan the most common torture techniques are beating
and asphyxiation with a gas mask; however, victims can
also have their genitals shocked, their toenails plucked
out, and they can be boiled to death.


TRIBE Member
Posted on Tuesday, May 17, 2005. By Paul Ford.

The United States was investigating claims that someone flushed a copy of the Koran down a Guantanamo Bay toilet. In Afghanistan, news of the flushing led to riots, where hundreds chanted death to America and at least fifteen people died.[BBC News] Newsweek, which published the original report of the Koran desecration, retracted the story but pointed out that similar behavior has been widely reported.[BBC News] Connecticut held its first execution in forty-five years,[Reuters] and a Holocaust memorial opened in Berlin. Some people were upset that it only commemorated the deaths of Jews.[Reuters] The White House and Capitol Building were evacuated for a few minutes when a small Cessna airplane got lost and strayed into restricted airspace,[BBC News] and Tom Ridge admitted that when he was head of the Department of Homeland Security he let other administration officials bully him into raising the terrorist attack threat level based on only flimsy evidence.[USA Today] It was uncertain whether Boston could host a convention for minority journalists in 2008 because the city has a law requiring that all Native Americans who enter the city be arrested.[Boston Globe] Pope Benedict XVI called for Pope John Paul II to be beatified; investigators are now looking for a miracle.[BBC News] Burma claimed that a world famous organization of a certain superpower nation had trained the rebels who recently bombed shopping centers in Rangoon. The organization is apparently based in Washington, D.C.[BBC News] Zapatista spokesman Subcomandante Marcos challenged Italy's Inter Milan soccer team to a match against a team of Zapatista soldiers,[BBC News] and Mexican President Vicente Fox called on the United States to reconsider its immigration policies. There is no doubt, he said, that Mexicans, filled with dignity, willingness and ability to work are doing jobs that not even blacks want to do there in the United States.[Reuters]

The mayor of Bremen, Germany, resigned under criticism for pouring wine on a homeless man's head,[Reuters] and Charlotte Spadaro, the former mayor of Beverly Hills, California, was in trouble for keeping 135 dogs and 30 cats in her home, and for filling a rental van with a ton of dead animals and leaving it out on the street.[SFGate.com] Another earthquake struck Sumatra,[EarthTimes.org] and more than one hundred people died when a ferry sank off the shores of southern Bangladesh.[BBC News] Condoleezza Rice visited Iraq, where things are not getting better. Iraq is emerging from a long national nightmare of tyranny, she said.[BBC News] Eleven corpses, four beheaded, were found south of Baghdad in Iskandariya, ten soldiers were found dead in Ramadi,[BBC News] and at least seventy-one people died in suicide bombings in Tikrit, Hawija, and Baghdad.[BBC News] The Senate approved $82 billion in emergency funding for the war,[Washington Post] and passed legislation supporting a standardized national driver's license.[Wired News] There was unrest in Uzbekistan.[BBC News] Mali sentenced eleven men to jail for refusing to let their children be vaccinated for polio; in Nigeria, several states have banned the vaccine because they believe it will make their daughters sterile.[BBC News] The polio outbreak in Yemen was getting worse,[Reuters] as was the mumps epidemic in the United Kingdom.[BBC News] British doctors implanted five devices into a stroke victim's unusable arm to help it work again,[BBC News] and a study found that women who abuse alcohol are more likely to suffer brain damage than men.[BBC News] Children in the western world were hitting puberty earlier, often at age seven; researchers suggested that this was due to indifferent fathers, childhood obesity, exposure to pesticides, or watching too much television.[BBC News] It was revealed that Michael Jackson used chimpanzees to dust his house, clean his windows, and brush his toilets.[This is London] The U.S. Army decided to allow soldiers to enlist for only fifteen months of active duty, followed by two years of service in the National Guard or Army Reserve.[BBC News] In Brazil, a man and his parents were murdered when the man lost a real-life role-playing murder game.[AP News] Israel and Lebanon shelled each other,[BBC News] and researchers in Japan developed a fuel cell that runs on blood.[IOL.co.za]

The grand opening of a new post office at a United States air base in South Korea was postponed, and a nearby shopping mall evacuated, when a mail-scanning device mistook a package of sauerkraut for a dangerous chemical.[Stars and Stripes] Australian researchers were working to clone the extinct Tasmanian tiger,[IOL.co.za] and researchers in Tokyo used smoothed particle hydrodynamics to prove that stones skip farthest when they strike the surface of water at a twenty-degree angle. [CBC] Wal-Mart apologized for running an advertisement that equated current Arizona zoning ordinances with the Nazi regime. Using a photo of a 1933 book burning in Berlin, the ad read: Should we let government tell us what we can read? Of course not . . . So why should we allow local government to limit where we shop?[Washington Post] Scientists found that sexually well-endowed fish are slower swimmers, and thus more likely to be eaten (but girl fish find them attractive even so),[MSNBC] and three Michigan judges decided that a cable show featuring a man's joke-telling penis was more about indecent exposure than free speech.[ABC News Online] Researchers at Cornell University developed a robot that can build copies of itself from spare parts,[BBC News] and British archaeologists dug up a two-thousand-year-old shoe. It was either a size nine or ten, they said.[BBC News] Two tiger cubs died in Burma, despite being breastfed by a woman. The cubs will be stuffed.[SIFY.com] The governor of Idaho was bouncing checks,[AP News] a man was suing a hospital in Orlando, Florida, for injecting him with green and red sparkling glitter instead of Demerol,[Sydney Morning Herald] and in Utah, a high school teacher dissected a live dog in front of his students. I thought, he said, that it would be just really a good experience.


TRIBE Member
Posted on Tuesday, May 24, 2005. By Paul Ford.

North Korea needed food.[BBC News] Wal-Mart announced that it would export $18 billion worth of Chinese goods,[Forbes] and researchers in Singapore developed a system that allows people to pet chickens over the Internet.[Wired News] Pakistan was working to stop bearbaiting,[BBC News] China put a halt to the practice of using naked women for plates in sushi restaurants,[BBC News] and Warren Beatty was wondering whether he should run for governor of California.[ABC News] New York was reviewing a law that allows convicted rapists to obtain Viagra through Medicaid,[AP] and a parachutist died in a fall from the Eiffel Tower.[News.telegraph] Kylie Minogue announced that she has breast cancer.[BBC News] British MP George Galloway went to Washington, D.C., to respond to allegations that he profited from the U.N.-managed Iraq oil-for-food program. “I met Saddam Hussein exactly the same number of times as Donald Rumsfeld met him,†said Galloway. “The difference is that Donald Rumsfeld met him to sell him guns, and to give him maps the better to target those guns.â€[Guardian] Before he testified, Galloway called journalist Christopher Hitchens “a drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay.â€[Guardian] George W. Bush vowed to veto any bill that eases funding restrictions on stem-cell research,[BBC News] and Donald Trump called on New York City to rebuild the Twin Towers, only taller, and described the city's planned “Freedom Tower†as “the worst pile of crap architecture I have ever seen in my life.â€[CNN.com] In Britain, Ford Motor Company suspended seven workers when they were caught looking at woman-on-octopus pornography on company computers. “Management,†said an employee, “didn’t see the funny side.â€[The Sun]

A professor of biology at Indiana University claimed that the female orgasm was only for fun,[AZCentral.com] and Laura Bush went to Jerusalem, where she wore a black pantsuit and black shawl to the Dome of the Rock and the women's section of the Western Wall. “We commit ourselves,†she said, “to reject hatred and to teach tolerance and live in peace.†She was heckled by both Muslims and Jews.[New York Times] On the same day, Ariel Sharon visited New York City, where he was also heckled by Jews.[BBC News] In Chile, Augusto Pinochet's doctors claimed that Pinochet had suffered a stroke; human-rights lawyers said he was just being wily.[ABC.net.au] Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez said that he might break diplomatic ties with the United States if the U.S. did not hand over Luis Posada Carriles, a former CIA employee who is accused of blowing up a Cuban airplane in 1976, killing seventy-three people.[BBC News] An avalanche in the Andes killed forty-one Chilean soldiers,[Houston Chronicle] and in West Virginia, a 1,500-pound camel sat on a woman as she painted a fence.[USA Today] Near Seattle, Mary K. Letourneau, forty-three, married Vili Fualaau, twenty-two, whom she first raped when he was twelve,[BBC News] and a California man was arrested because he lived in a tent for two weeks in order to buy tickets to the new Star Wars movie; his doing so violated a requirement that, as a sex offender, he let police know if he changed lodgings.[NCTimes] It turned out that a grenade that landed one hundred feet away from George W. Bush during a recent speech in Tbilisi, Russia, was not a training device but had simply failed to work. Georgian officials offered an $11,000 reward for information leading to an arrest.[New York Times] In Bolotnikovo, Russia, a lake disappeared.[Reuters] People in Zanzibar were living in fear of a sexually rapacious, sodomy-prone goblin named Popo Bawa,[Reuters] and Dr. W. David Hager, the George W. Bush-appointed adviser to the FDA and a vocal opponent of emergency contraception, abortion, and pre-marital sex, was accused by his ex-wife of anally raping her on a regular basis over many years. Hager is the author of the books As Jesus Cared for Women and, with his wife, Stress and the Woman's Body.[The Nation]

In Texas a five-year-old brought a loaded gun to his pre-kindergarten class,[AZCentral.com] and in Indiana a three-year-old boy crawled inside a toy vending machine at a Wal-Mart and had to be freed by firemen. He did not receive a toy.[BBC News] The Bush Administration continued to criticize Newsweek for reporting that U.S. soldiers had desecrated the Koran. “People need to be careful what they say,†said Donald Rumsfeld. “Our United States military personnel go out of their way,†said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “to make sure that the Holy Koran is treated with care.â€[New York Times] Since the Newsweek story broke, many other cases of Koran desecration over the last two years have emerged. Apparently, in addition to putting the Koran in the toilet, guards have urinated on it, trampled on it, put it in a urine bucket, and allowed a dog to carry Islam's holiest book in its mouth.[Financial Review][Washington Post] Newspapers published photos of Saddam Hussein standing in his underwear, shuffling around, and sleeping.[BBC News] The photos may violate the Geneva Convention, which prohibits “outrages upon personal dignity,†and some people questioned whether the photos could incite further violence in the Middle East. “I don't think a photo inspires murders,†said President Bush.[Seattle PI] Hussein threatened to sue.[BBC News] Senators compromised on filibusters,[MSNBC] and a new kind of monkey was discovered in Tanzania. It communicates in honking barks rather than in whoop-gobbles.[Washington Post] In Georgia a businessman named Hubert Johnson agreed to take down a large stuffed monkey that was hanging from a crane outside his drilling business. “The message to the workers is, 'Don't monkey around with safety',†said Johnson, even though the monkey had its hands and face painted black and was draped in a Confederate flag.[AJC.com] In Houston large black grackles swooped down from magnolia trees to attack passersby, including a lawyer,[CNN.com] and a man in Holland was being tried on charges that he killed his mother, skinned her, dressed up in her skin, and then went out to direct traffic and recite Bible verses. “He loved her so much,†said his lawyer. [Daily Record] In Iraq sixteen people were killed when a car bomb exploded outside of a restaurant; at least twelve people were killed in other attacks.[New York Times] Iraq's unemployed were selling their organs at cut rates,[News.telegraph] and American funeral homes were earning frequent-flier miles every time they shipped a corpse.


TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Cydome
and Dr. W. David Hager, the George W. Bush-appointed adviser to the FDA and a vocal opponent of emergency contraception, abortion, and pre-marital sex, was accused by his ex-wife of anally raping her on a regular basis over many years. Hager is the author of the books As Jesus Cared for Women and, with his wife, Stress and the Woman's Body.[The Nation]
I always thought these type of conservative guys were acting hollier than though for a reason! Too embarrassed to admit they like the "naughty hole."


TRIBE Member
i love the letters as well. You should post em.

May 24, 2005

* * * * * * * * *


The last Weekly Review stated that the mayor of Bremen,
Germany, poured wine on a homeless man's head. The
official in question was the state economy and culture
senator. Also, a Utah high school teacher did not perform
a vivisection of a dog in front of his class, but rather
took his class on a field trip to see the abdominal
dissection of a live dog under general anesthetic.

* * * * * * * * *


TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Russ Dodge
SUBJECT: Uzbekistan

Drunken soldiers walking around shooting wounded women and
children in the back of the head with weapons that the
Americans probably bought them was worth only five words.
Meanwhile another old joke about antiquated laws--didn't
The Saturday Evening Post run those about forty years
ago--gets four lines?? ("It was uncertain whether
Boston....") C'mon, stop trying to be so clever and do
your job.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: T. F. Kelley

I really, really do like reading you work every week - -
an exemplar of the word eclectic - - - forget those
nattering nabobs of negativity - - humorless drones - -

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Adam Kellie

In regards to Daniel Bowman Simon's letter to Harper's
Weekly asking when is matzo not kosher, due to it's simple
ingredient list and preparation method, I can only assume
that he did not read Frederick Kaufman's fine Letter from
Fuglebakken: The Secret Ingredient - Keeping the World
Kosher in the January edition of your printed mag. For his
benefit, I'll point out that I learned from that article
that the simplest of ingredients may not be kosher due to
their sub-sub-sub ingredients, and due to the simple fact
that they have not been tested and approved as
kosher. Apparently Mr. Bowman Simon isn't a checker of
redundancies himself or he would have found this potential
answer to his own question without straying too far.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: Margaret Mooney

In all this talk about the possibility that someone
flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet (or not) has
anyone asked themself what on earth type of toilet this
would be? Not a low flush, apparently.

TO: Harper's Weekly
FROM: JackaLoupe
SUBJECT: Tasmanian tiger

Paul, Thought you and hapless readers--some of whom
would've read elsewhere that said "tiger" is a myth, a
misstatement calling for correction in some
newspapers--might like to know that Thylacinus
cynocephalus, aka the Tasmanian tiger, was actually a
marsupial wolf.

One of the names used by Tasmanian Aborigines, also
extinct as of the late 19th C., was Corinna. No report on
possible relation to bluesy folksong Corinna, Corinna
(where ya been so long?).

According to David Quammen in The Song of the Dodo, it
"learned to kill sheep"; "(b)ounty hunting of the species
began in 1830", leading to extinction a century later.

WRITE TO HARPER'S WEEKLY: harpers-weekly@harpers.org
tribe cannabis goldsmith - gold cannabis accessories


TRIBE Member
Posted on Tuesday, May 31, 2005. By Paul Ford.

Amnesty International released a report calling the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay “the gulag of our time.†General Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said the prison camp was “a model facility†and pointed out that 1,300 Korans had been handed out at the prison in the last four years.[BBC News] Brigadier General Jay Hood, the camp's commander, said that an investigation at Guantanamo Bay had uncovered five incidents of Koran abuse, but none involved toilets; protesters rallied against Koran abuse in Egypt, Pakistan, Jordan, Malaysia, and in Lebanon, where they chanted “America is the biggest Satan.â€[BBC News] Mecca Cola was on sale in fifty-six countries, and was the second most popular soft drink in France.[Forbes] President George W. Bush promised $50 million in aid to Palestine.[BBC News] The commander-in-chief of Bolivia's armed forces denied that the military was planning a coup,[BBC News] Japan announced it would close down its fund for WWII-era sex slaves,[BBC News] and North Korea refused to rule out a pre-emptive nuclear strike.[AP] Hundreds of thousands of people marched for gay rights in Sao Paulo, Brazil.[BBC News] A man caught a 124-pound catfish in the Mississippi River,[AP] and Sylvester Stallone was making a movie about Edgar Allen Poe.[The Guardian] Representative Spencer Bachus of Alabama said that a routine by television host Bill Maher bordered on treason. Maher had said that the Army had already picked all of the “low-lying fruit†like Lynndie England, and now needed “warm bodies.â€[ABC News] Israeli finance minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave an interview with a lit cigar in his jacket. “Can't you smell the smoke?†asked his interviewer. “What do you mean?†replied Netanyahu. “You are burning up,†said the reporter.[Reuters] In Syracuse, New York, President Bush gave a speech so boring that it reduced a little girl named Brittany Fish to tears,[Syracuse.com] and in Greece, New York, Bush discussed his plan for Social Security. “You got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in,†he explained, “to kind of catapult the propaganda.â€[WhiteHouse.gov] Scientists uncovered the part of the brain that allows people to perceive sarcasm,[BBC News] and experts on humor said that the joke was dead.[New York Times] In California, the owners of a chicken were fined for letting it cross the road; the fine was later dismissed.[Herald Sun] Officials in Zurich decided that a massive teddy bear in bondage regalia could not be put on display as part of the city's “Teddy-Summer†project,[Reuters] and a researcher found that Malcolm X had enjoyed sex with men.[The Guardian] NASA planned to put a laser in orbit around the moon.[Red Nova]

In the West Bank, Israeli soldiers broke into the home of a Palestinian family so that they could watch a soccer game. [Reuters] A San Diego doctor was training a dog named Ginger to detect cancer by sniffing human urine,[Sign On San Diego] and two teenagers in Marysville, California, hacked into their school's computer system to change their grades. They accidentally altered the grades of all 18,697 students in the school district, and were arrested.[Monterey Herald] A judge ruled that stickers that encourage students to question the theory of evolution, placed on science textbooks in Cobb County, Georgia, violated the principle of the separation of church and state. Thirty-four thousand, four hundred fifty-two stickers must be scraped off in order to comply with the ruling.[MSNBC] A hamster-borne virus, transmitted through donated human organs, was linked to the deaths of six people since 2003.[MSNBC] In New Jersey, State Assemblyman Craig Stanley was fighting to rename the Devils hockey team. “The merchandise, the paraphernalia,†he said, “is based on the actual demonic devil.â€[AP] Three hundred thousand residents of Beijing have been moved out of their homes to make room for the 2008 Olympics; some of those who protested the evictions have been jailed.[Times Online] Pretoria, South Africa, changed its name to Tshwane, which means “we are the same.â€[BBC News] In Denmark, a Lutheran minister who was suspended for preaching that God does not exist was allowed to return to the pulpit,[AP] and in London, Big Ben broke down for ninety minutes.[BBC News] There was a public masturbation festival in San Francisco.[Reuters]

In North Carolina a man was released from prison after serving thirty-five years of his life sentence for stealing a $140 TV set,[WRAL.com] and in Waxahachie, Texas, the high school student yearbook neglected to include a girl's name in a photo caption, referring to her instead as “Black Girl.â€[AZCentral.com] In Indianapolis, the parents of a nine-year-old boy were appealing a judge's ruling that prohibits them from raising their child as a Wiccan.[Indystar.com] A study of eighty-five infant boys found that the chemical phthalate, which is found in plastics and cosmetics, leads to smaller penises,[New Scientist] and a road crew in San Jose, California, dug a fresh 10-by-15-foot pothole so that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger could be photographed filling it.[San Francisco Chronicle] The nine members of Thailand's anti-corruption commission were found guilty of corruption.[Reuters] In Iraq, bombs killed dozens of civilians and soldiers;[New York Times] two soldiers died when an Army helicopter was shot down northeast of Baghdad,[BBC News] and forty thousand Iraqi troops and ten thousand United States soldiers launched Operation Lightning, which is intended to seal roads in and out of Baghdad.[Radio Free Europe] Iraqi militants bragged of eating wild raw cats with their bare hands.[News.telegraph] France rejected the proposed constitution for the European Union, Germany ratified it,[BBC News][BBC News] King Mswati III of Swaziland married his eleventh wife,[BBC News] and the space probe Voyager 1 entered the heliosheath, 8.7 billion miles from Earth.


TRIBE Member
Posted on Tuesday, June 7, 2005. By Paul Ford.

President George W. Bush said that allegations made by Amnesty International, claiming that the prison at Guantanamo Bay is a “gulag,†were absurd. Bush accused Amnesty of listening to “people that have been trained in some instances to disassemble--that means not tell the truth.†[Whitehouse.gov] U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said that HIV and AIDS were spreading at an accelerating rate around the world,[Reuters] New Jersey was planning to try six animal-rights activists on “animal enterprise terrorism†charges,[Reuters] and an Australian woman was arrested for attempting to bring fifty-one tropical fish into the country hidden in her skirt.[AP] Several prisoners at Guantanamo Bay said they were sold to the United States by Pakistani tribesmen who wanted a bounty. [AP] The Maldives decided to become a democracy,[BBC News] and Donald Rumsfeld said that he did not know how foreign suicide bombers were getting into Iraq.[New York Daily News] It was revealed that the aviator Charles Lindbergh had seven illegitimate German children by three German mistresses.[CNN] Seven hundred thousand chickens expired during a power blackout in Moscow that cut off their ventilation; not long afterward the dead chickens started exploding.[Pravda] Thousands of hungry people demonstrated in Niger.[Reuters] The CIA was running its own fleet of twenty-six airplanes, owned by seven shell companies,[The New York Times] and Deep Throat turned out to be a ninety-one-year-old former FBI official named W. Mark Felt.[Washington Post]

A fire in Watertown, South Dakota, killed thirteen thousand turkeys.[Argus Leader] Berlin police, acting on a kidnapping tip, stopped a car and pulled a man from the car's trunk; it turned out the man, wearing only a thong and collar, was a voluntary sex slave.[Reuters] Zoo officials in Japan were worried that Futa, the red panda that became famous when it stood up on two legs, would be worn out by all of the attention. “His primary purpose here,†said an official, “is to mate.â€[Canada.com] Saudi Arabia was considering whether women should be allowed to drive.[ABC News] In New York City, a nine-year-old girl stabbed an eleven-year-old girl named Queen Washington to death. The girls were fighting over a pink rubber ball.[New York Daily News] A jet-skiing man was decapitated off Long Island when he ran through a boat's anchor line,[Daily News] and a man in Narrogin, Australia, died when he fell into a meat grinder.[The Age] Switzerland gave gay couples tax and inheritance rights, but will not allow them to adopt children,[BBC News] and the American Family Association called on its members to boycott Ford, saying that the auto-maker promotes the homosexual lifestyle. They suspended the boycott a few days later.[Detroit Free Press] Scientists found that a single “switch gene†determined whether a fruit fly turned out gay or not.[The Independent] An Illinois man burned down his house in order to clear it of crackheads,[Chicago Sun-Times] and a woman in Pennsylvania offered her newborn baby's clothes as a billboard for advertising. “Everyone looks at babies,†she said.[CNN] Ralph Nader called for the impeachment of George W. Bush based on reports of the Bush Administration “fixing†the intelligence over Iraq. John Kerry wondered why the intelligence-fixing, which came to light in a leaked British memo, has received so little attention in the United States. “Is there a way for this to break through,†he asked, “ever?â€[Boston.com][Al Jazeera] A young colobus monkey escaped from the Belfast Zoo after having an an argument with his dad. [ Reuters ] Five Buddhist monks in Nong Khai, Thailand, were defrocked for brawling with other monks from a rival temple. “When an ordinary person is given a middle-finger sign he will be mad; so am I,†said monk Boonlert Boonpan.[Reuters]

In Spain, a quarter of a million people protested against the government's plan to negotiate with Basque separatists,[Reuters] and in Beirut, a bomb killed Samir Kassir, a Lebanese journalist who opposed the Syrian occupation. Hundreds of people attended his funeral.[Reuters] A bomb in Kandahar, Afghanistan, killed twenty people,[The New Zealand Herald] and unidentified men attacked two villages in Ivory Coast, killing at least forty-one people.[Reuters] A group of men in the Philippines, naked save for head scarves and caps, protested cuts in education funding.[ABS-CBN] Latvia ratified the European Union Constitution.[China Daily] A grizzly bear killed a woman near a golf course in Canada.[CBC News] Stanislaw Dziwisz, the longtime aide and confidant of Pope John Paul II, revealed that he had refused to obey the dead pope's request that all his papers be burned.[The Independent] Haim Yavin, one of the founders of Israel's state television channel and the country's most respected news presenter, broadcast a documentary showing Israel's occupation of Palestine as brutal. “I cannot really do anything to relieve this misery,†he said, “other than document it.â€[BBC News] Two Israeli soldiers said that they were ordered to take part in revenge killings of Palestinians. “It doesn't matter,†one of the soldiers said he was told. “They took six of ours, and we are going to take six of theirs.†His unit went on to kill three Palestinians in an ambush. “And we acted flawlessly,†said the soldier. “We performed superbly.â€[BBC News] Israel released three hundred ninety-eight Palestinian prisoners,[Haaretz.com] and announced that it would build twenty-two more homes in the West Bank.[BBC News] Mahmoud Abbas postponed Palestinian elections until an unspecified date.[Haaretz.com] The Supreme Court ruled that marijuana cannot be used for medicinal purposes.[Bloomberg.com] A care worker at a Japanese mental home was arrested for unleashing feral dogs to keep patients in their rooms,[Mainichi Daily News] and the British children's home Strawberry Field, which inspired the Beatles song “Strawberry Fields Forever,†closed.[Reuters] A British man, happily married for eighty years, was asked for the secret to marital bliss. “'Yes, dear',†he explained.[Mail & Guardian] Seventy-four false killer whales (which are less aggressive than true killer whales, but, like true killer whales, are not whales but dolphins) beached themselves in Australia. One thousand five hundred volunteers worked to return seventy-three of the whales to the sea; one whale died. A volunteer described the whales as “very heavy.â€[BBC News][News.com.au] Scientists began work on a complete, molecule-level computer simulation of the human brain. The project will take at least ten years.


TRIBE Member
Posted on Tuesday, June 14, 2005. By Paul Ford.

General Motors announced that it will eliminate the jobs of 25,000 blue-collar workers in the United States by the end of 2008; the cuts amount to 22 percent of the company's hourly work force. [Washington Post] Twenty-eight bodies were found dumped on the street or in shallow graves in Baghdad. Four U.S. soldiers died in Iraq, bringing the total U.S. casualties since the war began past 1,700.[AP] It was reported that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay tortured prisoners with the music of Christina Aguilera; it was also revealed that American military torturers performed a satirical puppet show for one victim. [Drudge Report] Two crows attacked a jogger in London, drawing blood,[This is London] and a dead goat’s head was found in the Maryland woods.[Sentinel and Enterprise] Bombs killed ten people in Iran; an Iranian official blamed the United States.[BBC News] Australian officials were investigating allegations that prison guards tricked a prisoner into inserting a sausage into his rectum,[Herald Sun] and Australia won an international sheep-shearing contest. The contest was judged on speed and lack of nicks.[AFP] A flash flood in China killed ninety-two people, most of them young children.[BBC News] Dwarves fought bulls in Mexico,[Reuters] and in the Solomon Islands a hermit who had lived in a cave for forty years decided to return to his village after his fire went out.[The New Zealand Herald] Scientists in California sequenced the genes of an extinct cave bear using material extracted from its teeth, and now plan to sequence the genes of Neanderthals. "I think it will work," said a scientist. "It is just a matter of time."[BBC News]

A study showed that the world military budget was about $1,035,000,000,000 in 2004; the United States accounted for nearly half of that.[Washington Post] Recently released emails showed that Air Force officials knew all along that a contract for leased refueling tankers was actually a bailout for Boeing. "We all know," wrote an official in the Pentagon comptroller’s office, "that this is a bailout for Boeing."[Washington Post] Body parts, including a leg and part of a spine, fell from a plane approaching JFK International Airport in New York City. The parts came from a stowaway who had hidden himself in the plane’s wheel well. " heard pounding," said the plane’s pilot, "but nothing appeared wrong."[Reuters] Scientists in Los Angeles created a fusion reaction at around room temperature using a pyroelectric crystal.[The Christian Science Monitor] Voters in Nevada elected a former stripper to be a judge,[AP] officials in Dortmund, Germany, were preparing to host a game of the upcoming World Cup by setting up "sex garages" for assignations with prostitutes,[Reuters] and the Xochiquetzal home for elderly prostitutes was slated to open in Mexico City.[News24.com] An Italian court ruled that Sicilian authorities had acted improperly when they took away a man's driver’s license because he was gay; the man’s lawyer said that the arrest had caused his client to suffer hair loss.[Reuters] Researchers found that one in five women would consider having their breasts removed if it reduced their odds of contracting cancer,[Reuters] that babies are soothed by suckling the nipples of men,[Times Online] and that 99 percent of women are against comb-overs.[WebIndia123.com] A vaccine against the Ebola and Marburg viruses was found to work on monkeys,[News24.com] and surgeons in Peru separated the legs of Milagros Cerron, the thirteen-month-old "mermaid baby" whose legs were fused from thigh to ankle. Some of the surgery was broadcast live.[News-Medical.net] In Augsburg, Germany, zoo officials were being criticized for a planned attraction that will show elephants and rhinos in their "natural environment" by surrounding them with black men in grass skirts.[The Scotsman] Two women were upset when they visited a Houston mausoleum and found that the cremated remains of their mother had been replaced by a can of sour-cream-and-onion potato chips. [Local6.com]

Janet Reno had a fender-bender in Florida.[Florida Today] Plastic surgery on women’s genitalia was becoming more popular; surgeons reported that they were keeping busy plumping outer labias, tightening vaginas, and restoring hymens.[MSNBC] Thirty-five percent of America’s annual clam harvest was found to be toxic because of red tide.[New York Times] Scientists studying the Devils Hole pupfish, of which only 180 remain, accidentally killed eighty of them.[Live Science] British pranksters kidnapped a Dalek from Wookey Hole Caves.[BBC News] Iranian companies were planning to build bicycle factories in Venezuela.[Islamic Republic News Agency] Pink Floyd announced that it would reunite for a concert, [Chron.com] and Paul Anka released an album on which he sings "The Lovecats" by The Cure and "Eyes Without a Face" by Billy Idol.[New York Times] Anne Bancroft died.[The Belfast Telegraph-Digital] A new Bach aria was discovered in Germany,[CNN.com] and Israeli scientists were raising a date palm from a 1,990-year-old seed found at Masada.[IHT] Disney digitally reduced the size of Lindsay Lohan’s breasts to make a film called Herbie: Fully Loaded less offensive,[Hollywood.com] and Microsoft opened a new Chinese Internet portal that forbids some users from publishing personal home pages with the words "demonstration," "democratic movement," and "freedom."[MSNBC] Michael Jackson was acquitted. [The New York Times] Police in Nigeria arrested a cow for murder,[AFP] there was a wave of Canadian canola robberies,[CBC News] and researchers discovered a formula to determine the humor value of a sitcom: (((R * D + V) * F) + S)/A.


TRIBE Member
Posted on Tuesday, June 21, 2005. By Paul Ford.

In New Delhi, India, children and adults carrying both lit candles and hydrogen-filled balloons marched to mark the World Day Against Child Labor. At least twenty-five people were subsequently hospitalized for exploding-balloon-related burns.[Reuters] Dennis Kozlowski and Mark Swartz, former executives at Tyco, were found guilty on thirty counts of grand larceny, conspiracy, falsifying business records, and securities fraud.[Houston Chronicle] A llama was found on the freeway in Pennsylvania,[TheWGALChannel.com] police in Tennessee arrested 144 people at a cockfight,[Wired News] and the sixty-two-year-old man who was attacked and mutilated by two chimpanzees in March was brought out of his coma.[News4Jax.com] British potato farmers held protests against the Oxford English Dictionary; they were offended by the term “couch potato.â€[The Guardian] An achondroplastic dwarf in Florida named Molly Beavers sued Wal-Mart for firing her from her job at Sam’s Club because she did not smile enough; Beavers cannot smile because her face is partially paralyzed.[St. Petersburg Times] Florida police found six endangered gopher tortoises in the back of a car. The owner of the car said that he was planning a soup.[Chicago Sun-Times] A British man pleaded guilty to unloading a fire extinguisher into his friend’s anus. “It was just horseplay that went wrong,†said the man’s lawyer.[The Daily Record] Another British man was sentenced to twenty-seven months in prison for making his friend Ernest dress in a skirt, forcing him to strip, shaving him all over, and painting him green so he would look like Shrek.[The Sun]

An autopsy showed that Terri Schiavo had never been abused, was blind at the time of her death, and had a brain half the normal size.[New York Times] When asked about his earlier statements on Schiavo, Senator Bill Frist, who on March 17 said from the floor of the Senate that he had reviewed videotapes of Schiavo and that the “footage, to me, portrays something very different than persistent vegetative state,†said, “I never, never, on the floor of the Senate made a diagnosis.â€[Washington Post] The Senate apologized for not making lynching a federal crime, although eight senators, including Trent Lott, did not take part in the voice vote or the signing of an apology.[The New York Times] Ralph Nader said that the efforts of the Democratic Party against him had made him feel like a nigger.[Daily News Daily Dish] A two-faced kitten was born in Oregon,[SFGate.com] a six-legged puppy was found in Malaysia,[Boston.com] a county commissioner in Marion County, Florida, was promoting his plan to send sex offenders to Mexico,[Local6.com] and four cheerleaders in Texas were in trouble for smearing human feces on a pizza in an attempt to frame a rival cheerleading squad.[WOAI.com] A man in Shreveport, Arkansas, attempted to rob a beauty school at gunpoint only to be severely beaten by nearly thirty women with sticks, table legs, and curling irons. “They kept pulling him back in and beating him,“ said a policewoman. “I wore him out with that stick,†one woman said.[TodaysTHV.com] A nun in Romania, undergoing exorcism, died after she was tied to a cross, gagged, and left alone for three days in a cold room. “I don't understand why journalists are making such a fuss about this,†said the priest who organized the exorcism.[BBC News] Deep Throat and the Runaway Bride were both working on movie deals,[Sify.com][ABC News] and a bar of soap allegedly made from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sold for $18,000.[BBC News]

A Kansas teenager was in trouble for vomiting on his Spanish teacher,[Boston.com] and Philip Cooney, the chief of staff at the White House Council on Environmental Quality, who achieved notoriety when he revised government reports on global warming to cover up the link between greenhouse gas emissions and rising temperatures, quit his job to become a lobbyist for ExxonMobil. “Perhaps he won't even notice he has changed jobs,†said the director of the Natural Resources Defense Council.[Washington Post] A report prepared for the London Metropolitan Police Service expressed concern that young African boys were being sacrificed in England.[The Guardian] Scotland’s Cottle and Austin Circus fired Todd the Human Cannonball because he was afraid of flying and replaced him with Diego the Human Rocket.[The Times] A four-year-old boy died after passing out on the Mission: Space centrifuge ride at Disney World,[Chicago Sun-Times] and in Britain a ten-year-old boy began to bang his head into a car dashboard. “It’s eating me, it’s eating me,†he yelled as blood trickled down his face. Doctors later removed a hornet (or possibly a horsefly) from his inner ear.[ICBerkshire.co.uk] During a White House press conference, journalist Terry Moran asked Scott McClellan whether the insurgency in Iraq was in its “last throes,†as had been claimed by Vice President Dick Cheney, or was not. McClellan gave a vague answer, so Moran repeated his question five more times. “Is there any idea,†he finally asked, “how long a last throe lasts for?â€[The White House][CNN] Donald Rumsfeld admitted that, statistically, things were just as bad in Iraq as they were at the time Saddam Hussein was deposed. However, he said, “a lot of bad things that could have happened have not happened.â€[BBC News] Several U.S. soldiers went public with their experiences guarding Saddam Hussein. “He'd eat a family-size bag of Doritos,†one soldier said, “in ten minutes.â€[The Guardian] It was reported that as many as one thousand teenage boys have been thrown out of a fundamentalist Mormon community so that their fathers could marry more wives.[The Guardian] Porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey attended a Republican fundraiser where George W. Bush was speaking. “I was told that they had people ready to tackle me if I tried to get up close to him,†she said. “I was getting propositioned to have threesomes with wives or mistresses. I was offered money from oil tycoons.†Carey also said that she would one day like to become president. “I’m very friendly,†she offered.[Jossip.com][WorldNetDaily] In Bullskin Township, Pennsylvania, four men were accused of butchering a pet pygmy goat so that they could trade its meat for either money or crack cocaine.[Post Gazette] More than one million people were estimated to be living with HIV in the United States,[AP] one thousand people were dying every day in Congo,[Christian Science Monitor] and nearly one hundred people died in suicide bombings in Iraq.[BBC News] Osama bin Laden was safe.


TRIBE Member
Weekly Review
Posted on Tuesday, June 28, 2005. By Paul Ford.

Bombs went off in Baghdad and Kirkuk, gunmen killed three people in a Baghdad barbershop, then blew it up,[Reuters] and suicide bombers killed thirty-three people in Mosul.[Bloomberg.com] Twenty-one thousand people gathered at Stonehenge to celebrate the summer solstice.[The Age] The United Nations turned sixty.[Sify.com] Seventy-six insurgents were killed in Afghanistan, although the United States said that number might only be fifty-six, and that they were having trouble keeping a tally of the dead.[CNN.com] It was revealed that North Korea had approached the United States in 2002, offering to “resolve the nuclear issue†if North Korea’s sovereignty was acknowledged; the Bush Administration rejected the offer.[Reuters] The United States was negotiating with Iraqi militants, including members of the Ansar al-Sunnah Army, which is responsible for the attack on a U.S. dining hall last Christmas that killed twenty-two people.[Times of India] “The reality,†said Senator Chuck Hagel (R., Nebraska), “is that we are losing in Iraq.â€[U.S. News and World Report] “Insurgencies,†said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “tend to go on five, six, eight, ten, twelve years.â€[BBC News] “I think about Iraq,†said President George W. Bush.[Reuters] The University of Connecticut was planning to offer a master's degree in homeland security,[CNN.com] and the United States admitted to the United Nations that U.S. prisoners have been tortured in Iraq and Afghanistan, and at Guantanamo Bay.[The Independent] Canada appointed an ambassador to Iraq,[The Ottawa Sun] and judges in North Carolina were preparing to deliberate over whether the Koran can be used instead of the Bible to administer oaths.[JournalNow] At the U.S. Justice Department, the $8,000 modesty curtains used to cover the bareness of the statues of Majesty of Justice and Spirit of Justice were removed, once again exposing an aluminum nipple.[BBC News] It was revealed that the Defense Department, in violation of the federal Privacy Act, has been building a database of thirty million sixteen- to twenty-five-year-olds. “If you don’t want conscription,†said the undersecretary of defense for personnel and readiness, “you have to give the Department of Defense, the military services, an avenue to contact young people.â€[The New York Times] The U.S. Navy sent a letter to Fola Coats, an eighty-year-old Arkansas woman, asking her to join the Seabees.[KATV.com]

Italy sentenced ten former Nazi SS officers to life in prison in absentia,[BBC News] and ordered the arrest of thirteen people linked to the CIA on charges of kidnapping a terror suspect.[IHT] Swiss railways shut down due to a power failure, [Swissinfo.org] and gnawing rats shut down telephone, mobile, Internet, and electronic-banking services for 100,000 New Zealanders.[AP] Zimbabwe bulldozed some children,[The Independent] and in Kenya forty-eight people were killed and many others blinded by illegally made alcohol.[BBC News] A second case of mad cow disease was found in the United States.[AP] A monkey in a diaper attacked a fast-food worker in Kentucky,[6ActionNews.com] a shark killed a fourteen-year-old girl in Florida,[CNN.com] a forty-inch clam was discovered in Maine,[The Ridgway Record] and a two-headed kitten died in Oregon.[Local6.com] In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a man was caught molesting a dog. “He had his pants down,†said the owner of the dog, “and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman.†The dog, Princess, later died of related injuries. [Fox Carolina] British taxpayers were each paying the equivalent of $1.12 yearly to support the royal family. “We believe,†said the keeper of the privy purse, “this represents a value-for-money monarchy. We’re not looking to provide the cheapest monarchy.†It was reported that Princess Diana once had an affair with John F. Kennedy Jr., but did not pursue the relationship further because they were astrologically incompatible.[News.com.au] President Bush announced that he would visit Vietnam in 2006.[CNN.com]

The Supreme Court ruled that the government can take property under eminent domain for private development. “Under the banner of economic development,†said Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, “all private property is now vulnerable to being taken and transferred to another private owner, so long as it might be upgraded.â€[The New York Times] A car belonging to the police chief of Washington, D.C., was stolen.[Reuters] In India a fourteen-year-old girl was granted an annulment of her two-year marriage,[BBC News] and in Ethiopia a twelve-year-old girl was abducted and was about to be forced into marriage but was rescued by lions, which ran her captors off and guarded her until police and relatives came to her rescue.[AP] The president and CEO of Formula One racing, discussing racer Danica Patrick, said that “women should be dressed in white like all the other domestic appliances.â€[ESPN] In Mississippi, Edgar Ray Killen, an eighty-year-old former Baptist preacher, was sentenced to sixty years in jail for organizing the killings of three civil rights workers in 1964,[Reuters] and the NAACP named former Verizon executive Bruce S. Gordon as president.[The Guardian] Bill Clinton appeared at a Billy Graham rally in New York City. “God bless you, friend,†said Clinton.[AP] American evangelist Benny Hinn flew to Nigeria in a private jet to hold a three-day crusade, but only a fraction of the expected number of people came out each night. “Four million dollars down the drain,†he shouted from the pulpit.[BBC News] The Jordan River was filled with sewage, forcing pilgrims to bathe in special pools with treated water.[Reuters] An Irish man covered himself with 200,000 bees, still 150,000 bees short of the world record,[BBC News] Bangladeshi doctors removed a dead fetus from the abdomen of a teenage boy,[BBC News] and a Florida man on an oxygen machine died when the electric company turned off the electricity to his son's home.[HeraldTribune.com] Tigger died, as did Piglet.
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