Here's the best advice i've read... from Nerve:
August 23, 2001
How to Get Over a Breakup
There's more to it than eating ice cream (although that has been shown to help in some cases).
This past week, we were on a New York cable television show as experts (if you can believe that ), invited to discuss how to get over a breakup. Like true dorks, we researched, outlined and memorized our answers so we wouldn't end up like Cindy Brady (you know, that episode where she's on a TV quiz show, gets stage fright and sits there stunned and drooling?). We had at least a half-hour of premium stuff on the subject. But when someone yelled "Rolling!", we found ourselves with four measly minutes to cram a lifetime of breakup wisdom into, all while being thrown weird, unexpected questions about official breakup "rules," the healing process and letter-writing-for-closure. Needless to say, no wisdom was imparted. So we're sticking with what we know best: the written word. Without further ado, we give you "How to Get Over a Breakup."
Hit the Wall
First of all, no one expects you to be a cheery camp counselor two days after being dumped. Unless you're Kathy Lee Gifford. Take some time out for your own personal Bridget Jones moment — get drunk on red wine in your pajamas while lip-syncing "All By Myself." Rent Shirley Valentine, forget to shower, eat ice cream straight out of the container (guys included), get laid by that old fuck-buddy you haven't called in a while, make a morbid mix tape like you did in high school, etc. It's been our experience that all of these activities are best conducted with a good friend who will insist on referring to your ex as "Fuckface." (Well, all of these activities except the getting-laid one — unless you're into that kind of thing).
Channel the Spirit of Martha Stewart
We don't recommend engaging in step one for more than a week. You do want to keep your job and maintain your personal hygiene habits, after all. (Trust us, you do, even though that layer of grease in your hair is kind of comforting.) Once Breakdown Week is over, it's time to start distracting yourself. Dig up your two-year-old To-Do list and start attacking it: read Anna Karenina, paint your apartment, add up your frequent flier miles for a free vacation, write a screenplay, compose cheesy songs about heartache and loss, take a nightclass, visit your local art museum, visit your mom.
Cut the Cord
This is not the time to concern yourself with being friends and making nice with Fuckface. In fact, we think cold turkey is in order. Cut off as much contact as possible (and please don't tell us you dated your co-worker or roommate — Lorelei "the Tard" Sharkey has done both and barely lived to tell about it; learn from her mistakes). Sure, you're inevitably going to obsess over them for some time to come ("Who will pick my bacne now that they're gone?"), but this is best done in your own company, not theirs.
Give Back to the Community
(You do remember what community is?)
When even your best friend starts to tire of your breakup blues ("Snookums and I always used to watch Judge Judy together"), it might be time for some volunteer work. It's great for your community — not to mention your personal karma — but it also puts your own problems into perspective. Nothing says "Suck it up, you pathetic, self-involved, spoiled brat" than building a home for someone who got dumped because they contracted some rare, incurable disease and were left penniless with three hungry kids.
Eat Their Heart Out
When it comes to revenge (and you know you want it), there are two approaches: the high road and the low road. Take the high road. Get the kind of revenge that benefits you, rather than directly harming your ex, bodily or otherwise. Join a gym where you can literally work off all your anger and aggression; we've found the idea of Fuckface seeing us in the best shape of our lives actually inspires us to work out longer and harder (listening to the Flashdance soundtrack also helps). Did your ex nag you for six months to quit smoking? So quit now. Take that, Fuckface! Had the two of you always planned on trying rimming for the first time, or experimenting with Tantric sex, or visiting the neighborhood erotic shop, but never got around to it? Read The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, rent The Kama Sutra, splurge on a Rabbit Pearl vibrator (only $80!) for you or your next partner, and put the sex you had with Fuckface to shame. Ha!
You'll be tempted to idealize your recent relationship, playing that montage of fond memories over and over in the theater of your mind with the Dolby surround-sound system playing Kate Bush on repeat. Resist that temptation. Instead, focus on Fuckface's faults. There must be at least one (besides their ability to live without you), even if it's just a malformed pinkie toe or a tendency to douse every meal in Ketchup. However, we're guessing that Fuckface is afflicted by one, if not all, of the following: selfishness, insensitivity, immaturity, hypocrisy and/or a tendency to be vanilla in bed (take your pick!). And remind yourself how few faults you have in comparison. You're practically perfect!
Blow Your Budget
Because you're worth it. You can catch up on bills next month.
Mark the Occasion
Have you thought of getting a tattoo? We're serious. Doing something permanent to yourself (tattoo, new piercing) or even semi-permanent (new haircut, new hair color) sometimes helps. It marks your body as your own, and the moment as a new beginning, a better chapter of your life. And there's something to be said for a tiny bit of self-inflicted pain to exorcise breakup demons. Just make sure it's something you won't regret — like a "Fuckface put my heart in a blender" tat. Or a mullet.
Finally, this is not the death of sex and love. This is the beginning. Say it again: This is the beginning! It's your chance to rediscover the joys of being single: flirt, masturbate chronically, flirt some more, become a kissing bandit. Hey, maybe you should even go on a "date." Did we mention the Nerve Personals? Now that is the perfect distraction. But more importantly, it's your chance to find better sex and truer love. Fuckface was just a stepping stone on your way to self-improvement, personal growth and true happiness with the person you were truly meant to be with. Take comfort in the fact that, with every passing day, as the pain subsides, you're that much closer to your density. We mean, your destiny.
Em & Lo