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For people in long-term relationships

Deus

TRIBE Member
Long-term meaning over a year. How much do you fight with your significant other? What is a normal amount of fighting in a relationship? I hate fighting and that all we seem to do lately. She tells me it's normal for couples to fight, and I agree with that, but I always seem to do something wrong. Am I just another cluless asshole? When we fight, it starts from little things and then everthing takes on epic proportions, and we fight until we're exhausted with frustration. Some words of encouragement would be nice and advice on how to settle our differences.
 

PRIMAL

TRIBE Member
Would it make it easier if you just agreed with her rather than arguing?

I heard girls like to think they are always right.
 

OhNo!

TRIBE Member
I fight with my fiancee all the time,I think if you don't your in one hell of a passionless relationship.
 

Eccentric (LRG)

TRIBE Member
My sister and her man have been together 5 years.
Theres not one day that they don't fight about something. Seriously. They live downstairs i hear all.

I often wonder if its normal to fight so much also.
But they claim they love each other and all. So I guess the fighting is a normal part of their relationship.

They're getting married in September. My sister turns 19 next month ... oi.
 

Poot

TRIBE Member
"Fighting" and "communicating effectively to accomplish something" are two very different things.
 
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SENSEi

TRIBE Promoter
Depends if your fighting about stupid crap, or if she's nagging you to do stuff and you're not responding.

Personally, I think if you notice that you guys fight everytime you see each other, something might be wrong.

Try not to use harsh words with each other.
It hurts in the long run.
 

Booty Bits

TRIBE Member
i've been with my guy for 4 years and we usually dont fight. we have one big "State of the Union" type fight approx every year.

in my experience, this is really on the low end of the spectrum. most other couples i know seem to fight more than that.

if you're looking for advice, i would say that you and your gal should consider *how* you fight.
sometimes people employ some really nasty tactics while in the heat of an argument, and it just results in (like you mentioned) turning a small disagreement into a big exhausting yelling match.

try this: next time you see a fight on the imminent horizon, instead of yelling about whatever's on your mind, give yourself a wee moment to collect your thoughts, calm down a bit, and then try to go at the conflict in a more reasonable, non-agressive way.
who knows? it might make a big difference.

fighting is probably the shittiest part of a relationship, so you should both be willing to do stuff to make it as unshitty as possible (i.e. not saying things that you know will make the other person feel awful, not losing your temper, not changing the subject etc)
 

vinder

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Jessica P
"Fighting" and "communicating effectively to accomplish something" are two very different things.
Originally posted by Booty Bits
not saying things that you know will make the other person feel awful, not losing your temper, not changing the subject
werd.
 
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SENSEi

TRIBE Promoter
Originally posted by Eccentric (LRG)
My sister and her man have been together 5 years.
Theres not one day that they don't fight about something. Seriously. They live downstairs i hear all.

I often wonder if its normal to fight so much also.
But they claim they love each other and all. So I guess the fighting is a normal part of their relationship.

They're getting married in September. My sister turns 19 next month ... oi.
So they've been together 5 years, getting married in September and she's only 18.

Sounds like someone needs a different perspective of what's normal.

You've lived so little of your life by that age.
The world is a very diverse place.
 

green_souljah

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by OhNo!
I fight with my fiancee all the time,I think if you don't your in one hell of a passionless relationship.

That's ridiculous.


My girlfriend and I of two years have fought literally three times, all over similiar situations which were resolved each time, and we both now know how to avoid future conflicts.

I was in a previous relationship where all we did was fight, it's not as healthy as people seem to think.
 
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Hi i'm God

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Deus
Long-term meaning over a year. How much do you fight with your significant other? What is a normal amount of fighting in a relationship? I hate fighting and that all we seem to do lately. She tells me it's normal for couples to fight, and I agree with that, but I always seem to do something wrong. Am I just another cluless asshole? When we fight, it starts from little things and then everthing takes on epic proportions, and we fight until we're exhausted with frustration. Some words of encouragement would be nice and advice on how to settle our differences.
Sounds normal to me. I'm always to blame for her up and down moods too ;) I dont even remember how me not changing the cats litter turned in to a fight about a years worth of depression and anxity and other stuff.
 

Syntax Error

Well-Known TRIBEr
Originally posted by Booty Bits
i've been with my guy for 4 years and we usually dont fight. we have one big "State of the Union" type fight approx every year.
nice way to descibe it! i have one of these every couple of months(with my girlfriend, not with myself). other than that it's just little arguments where we are both usually too high to remember what we were fighting about in the first place.
 

DJAlchemy

TRIBE Promoter
I think that arguing or discussions are part of a healthy relationship, but constant fighting is a bad sign. I don't think that its good to allow small problems to escalate that much, it says to me that something is being lost in translation... maybe the two of you need to listen and sympathize with each others difference of opinions?

You both need to stop trying to be right. It can be an issue of power when small arguements always turn into big fights because neither of you want to relinquish the fact that you're wrong, so instead of trying to solve the problem you just yell at each other until one conceeds from exhaustion. Of course this doesn't really solve the problem, or make either of you really satisfied from 'winning' said argument so why continue?

This is the part of the relationship where compromiszation comes in. You have to understand that you're not always going to agree on certain things and THATS OK. The point is to at least understand where the other person is comming from and then reach some sort of mutual decision from there...

Peace. D
 

green_souljah

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by SENSEi
So they've been together 5 years, getting married in September and she's only 18.

I am sorry to say this, and mean no offence in any way by my post, but that is not good.

One of them is going to wake up one day at age 27 or 28 or maybe even sooner than that, and accuse the other of robbing them of youthful good times.

I am starting to see that happen a lot now with serious relationships that started at a young age.

Perhaps though that will not be the case, I hope it isn't!
 

SENSEi

TRIBE Promoter
Originally posted by green_souljah
I am sorry to say this, and mean no offence in any way by my post, but that is not good.

One of them is going to wake up one day at age 27 or 28 or maybe even sooner than that, and accuse the other of robbing them of youthful good times.

I am starting to see that happen a lot now with serious relationships that started at a young age.

Perhaps though that will not be the case, I hope it isn't!
Imagine signing up for ANYTHING @ 18 that could effect the rest fo your life.

Like a really bad loan.

:eek:
 
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Booty Bits

TRIBE Member
just to add to my previous post, most people find it hard to fight with as much venom and anger and hostility when the person they're fighting with isnt willing to employ those tactics too.

its like the "killing with kindness" method.
 

Dirt Dawg

TRIBE Member
I seem to run on a cycle of little blow outs, though I try to confront things clearly when necessary.

I think one of the main things to realize is that in the first 90 days of the relationship, you are writing the constitution that will govern said relationship.

When core issues are left unresolved, or room to "operate" due to loosely confined constructs will cause undue friction throughout the entirety of the relationship.

The key then is to "draw your line in the sand" Know honestly what you will and will not put up with and during those 90 days make sure you clearly defend these beliefs.

If you two can't make it work, then your expectations are too far different to be an effective (and happy) couple.


Although it is important to establish a strong working relationship, work is always required. Make sure to be frank and honest (it only fucks shit up if you don't down the line) and adapt as necessary. Little changes can be made along the way but amending the agreement is almost impossible IMO.

Cheers,

Nick
 

Deus

TRIBE Member
It always starts with me doing something stupid, like not paying attention to her: not calling when I said that I would, or playing on the x-box and leaving her to feel left out. Most of the time it is my fault, I have to admit it, but then I just get defensive because I don't like to get blamed.
 

Hi i'm God

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Deus
It always starts with me doing something stupid, like not paying attention to her: not calling when I said that I would, or playing on the x-box and leaving her to feel left out. Most of the time it is my fault, I have to admit it, but then I just get defensive because I don't like to get blamed.
Dont tell her your playing X-box because she's not putting out any more Women Hate that :confused:
 
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Eccentric (LRG)

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by SENSEi
So they've been together 5 years, getting married in September and she's only 18.

Sounds like someone needs a different perspective of what's normal.

You've lived so little of your life by that age.
The world is a very diverse place.
I agree. I think she needs to do some other things before she marrys Jason. But Shes happy and they really do compliment each other.

*shrug* If shes happy.. I won't stand in her way.

If it doesn't work out. She can cry on my shoulder and I won't even say I told you so.

Just another one of lifes expeirences.
 

Booty Bits

TRIBE Member
haha Deus, you just totally admitted to being in the wrong!

if you're doing stuff that you KNOW will piss her off, then you at least have to come clean about it when she catches you!
if you're gonna make a big stink about it, then thats just sorta stubborn and silly on your part.
 

rubytuesday

TRIBE Member
I've been in a relationship for 4 yrs. We go in cycles of fighting, right now we're not at all, a few months ago we were a lot. Definitions of fighting vary though. It doesn't even have to mean yelling, just having hurt feelings or being peeved in my book.

A lot of our arguments are based around bad communication. We're getting better at avoiding silly arguments because we've figured eachother's ways of communicating more. The cardinal rule of fighting though is to not name call or bring up the past, it will just go in circles and escalate.

Is one of you stressed out about something outside of the relationship? Are you sure that she's trying to find fault with everything you do? She might not see it that way, so you should explain to her how you feel when she says certain things. She might not even be aware of it. You have to tell her when you're both in good moods and not in an accusatory way.

I think arguing in couples is normal, especially in long term relationships because you get used to eachother and take things for granted. If you're living together too, you might need some space, even if it's just an evening alone. The problem is when that's all you do. One or both of you needs to decide to stop reacting, it takes practice, but once you decide not to be destructive it's a lot harder for the argument to turn ugly.
 

PRIMAL

TRIBE Member
Originally posted by Deus
It always starts with me doing something stupid, like not paying attention to her: not calling when I said that I would, or playing on the x-box and leaving her to feel left out. Most of the time it is my fault, I have to admit it, but then I just get defensive because I don't like to get blamed.
Rather than fighting apologize for you stupid behavior.
 

Adam

TRIBE Member
I've wondered this myself. My roommate has been in a very long-term relationship (7+ years), but the fights he has with his girlfriend are utterly ridiculous to my ears. Like screaming matches about what to have for dinner and such. The kind of fights I had with my sister when I was 12.

Admittedly, I've never been in a long relationship, and I avoid conflict at all costs. Maybe I'm just naive to think that eventually couples would stop screaming over dumb trivial things. Or maybe it's because they've already argued about enough serious stuff and have moved on to bigger issues; what movie to rent, what shoes to wear, etc.
 
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