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First Call on a Sunday Morning

J

Jeffsus

TRIBE Member
It all started with an unexpected meeting at 5:00pm on a Friday.

Seriously, who thinks it's a good idea to do that.

It was an accounting issue. Fraud. Securities. Ledgers. Invoices.

That is the long way to say "I don't give a fuck."

Well I had to take a taxi home. When I arrived the cocaine was already cut up and everyone did a small cheer. I put on a suit. Friday's are "dress down" but once I'm snorting rails I need to be well dressed.

Several bottles of wine. No cigarettes. Not for me anyway.

I own an apartment somewhere, and I went there with an accountant and a philosopher. There, I hired a stripper. Myself, being gay, I wasn't particularly

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entertained. But I was with straight men and they were fantastically aroused. I checked.

man 1: > "Is this normal?"
me: > "What is normal?"
man 1: > "Well, I mean, should we be paying for this?"
man 2: > "Dude you obviously don't know Jeff very well."
me: > "Pay for what?"
prostitute: > "How about this?"

So eventually I got bored of that and I took one of the guys to another place.
We sat down and I busted out the anchovie paste, and the parmesan, to make a proper Caesar salad. More wine.

Meat.

Well in the middle of this the other man returned and became Jealous. I had no inclination to accommodate him. I got another taxi and we went to my favourite Vietnamese restaurant.

In the place, I looked at my face, and was unsatisfied with my hair. So I decided that everyone in the restaurant should get a haircut. There is a dresser just next door. Naturally, not everyone took up my offer. But, it seems, about 13 Vietnamese people, myself, and MAN1 decided that they would like a free haircut. Well, I guess it wasn't free for me.

hairdresser> "You want short?"
me> "I want a Vietnamese boy."
hairdresser> "I can wash hair."
me> "No seriously I want THAT guy."

Well they only had two hairdressers so we had to get cut in turns, so while the others were waiting I liquored them up with "Tony" with the understanding that everyone should DRINK until they get their hair cut.

And then there was a further function. We're no longer allowed to speak Japanese at work, ironically. as certain people consider it a Human Rights violation. Well, I defer to the 4 other languages I speak.

There, I tried to be discrete and took a table. Ah, but my boss found me out and

boss> "Ooooo to to to"
me> big bows
boss> "Nomimasuka?"
me> "Mochiron! "
and kampais all around.

I more or less forget what happened after that. But again, I woke up in a strange bed.

Do you understand the feeling of waking in a bed and having no idea where you are?

Before that happened, however, Beautiful Chad said something.

So my driver took me to a restaurant, and I asked them if they are serving yet.

server:> "Aha, Jeff, it's only 9am, do you want a coffee?"

Well you can imagine how that turned out.

-jM
A&D
 
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Bernnie Federko

Bernnie Federko

TRIBE Member
no way. Bateman was a menace. And while Jeff has compulsive tendencies, there is no evidence to suggest he's out to get anyone who didn't A) Cross him, and B) Already had it coming.
 
J

Jeffsus

TRIBE Member
The real problem all started with that stripper. I really should write-off that apartment.

She used to live in the apartment in my house downstairs, but then I invested and needed another tenant who was less of a heat score.

So when we showed up, she busted out lines. I was already drunk. The accountant and the philosopher were, I don't think drunk, but, fuck, how would I know. When you're drunk you assume everyone is feeling the same as you.

After the show when she busted the lines I assumed it was cocaine, but one insufflation and the buuuurn hit. I knew immediately this was not blow but rather crystal meth. Ahhh, I should have expected better from that prozzie.

Were I more sober, I'd have noticed the crystaline lattice of meth verses the otherwise fluffy appearance of cocaine in a humid environment. But, as it was, I was not sober, at all, and up my nose it went.

I enjoy the smell of cocaine. It's like cheap lycra in a 70's apartment lobby. It's soothing, and then moves into the overly social nonsense for which it's prescribed.

But crystal meth has no smell, it only has a burn. And then it begins to work, and it's function isn't much more than just keeping one awake.

No one was paying this stripper, but she busted out second lines, and I politely declined, having been duped once. However the philosopher and the accountant indulged again. Oh ho, how I recognized at that moment that they would pay for their indulgence.

So naturally none of us could sleep, but I did advise the philosopher to take a shower as, well, he was my date for the following day's function, but also he was starting to look sketchy. If I think someone's looking sketchy, they probably are looking sketchy.

But true to his word, he cleaned up, put on a suit, and I basically had Taylor Laughtner on my arm the whole night.

I'm not particularly interested in the "beautiful" women at work. I keep it professional and indifferent. And, for good reason - no inclination to shag, flirt, or have lunch with them.

Beautiful women seem to notice indifference from men. As much as they want to be treated as equal, they seem to still expect some positive consequence from their sexuality. This is a bane for men, but not gay men.

So, when I bring Taylor Lautner to the work Christmas function, suddenly there's a bubble of interest.

The sad thing is that he isn't prescribed the powerful benzodiazepines required to deal with the comedown of meth, unlike me, and he wasn't drinking his red wine fast enough. So, he had to leave just as I won some door prizes.

-jM
A&D
 
J

Jeffsus

TRIBE Member
There is a pub near my house, where the express bus stops. Perhaps I'm just an alcoholic, but it's very difficult for me, not to go inside this pub when I get off the bus.

On Friday's and Saturday's it happens to be karaoke night, which happens to be run by a family member. Not the "close" kind of family, but rather the kind you might see at reunions. Anyway, he recognized me.

So, while I was crooning some John Denver tune, I saw the "LADY WITH A HAT".

Oh I recognized her right away. One time I was at the same pub and my friend showed up with his kids. As is natural, I grabbed one kid by the legs and flipped it upside down. Then I shook it around like a sack of potatoes. Oh the kid laughed and laughed and then the "LADY WITH A HAT" showed up, so I put the kid back on its feet, and she started doing MAGIC TRICKS.

Even I took a time out for this.

She's about 60 or 70 years old, wears an unknown fabric of red pants, a red blazer of similar unknown fabric, underneath which is a shirt which I assume is white cotton, and a bow tie, again, red. Salt and pepper hair, mostly salt, topped off with, appropriately, a top hat. Again red.

Why is this lady at the pub? Why is she entertaining the kids? Dude for me, it was time for a Jaegermeister.

The kids were a bit too young to understand the card tricks, but then she pulled a flower out of her hat. I had another Jaegermeister at this point.

The kids liked the flower thing so she continued with a rubber ducky. From her hat. How??

The adults, if you can count me as one, were impressed, and so I did my own magic of turning $20 into a couple pounds of wings and beer. This old dirty lady in red seemed to like beer and laughter.

We later got into a game of throwing nachos into the kids' faces, but eventually had to take that game home. Much to the kids' protests.

-jM
A&D
 
J

Jeffsus

TRIBE Member
So my roommate, at my behest, brought out a high pressure air rifle, and started shooting it at houses on the street.

Well, I made sure I had a few beers first, cause otherwise it would be irresponsiblebleble.

He had better aim, hit one door 8 times, I only managed to shoot the wall. So then we tried the back door.

Everyone got into a fuss.

-jM
A&D
 
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S

Sporty Dan

TRIBE Member
Jeffsus said:
So my roommate, at my behest, brought out a high pressure air rifle, and started shooting it at houses on the street.

Well, I made sure I had a few beers first, cause otherwise it would be irresponsiblebleble.

He had better aim, hit one door 8 times, I only managed to shoot the wall. So then we tried the back door.

Everyone got into a fuss.

-jM
A&D
Click to expand...

Well what do you know....my login still works.



JEFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



YAY!


dan.
 
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