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Farewell Kevin (R4V4G3D_SKU11S) :*-(

the wiz

TRIBE Member
Reading mcbee's post about Kevin........crying so hard. Hits me close to my heart, since I too struggle with "slipping back into the darkness" from time to time.....actually on a pretty monthly basis. Seems pretty connected to the cycles of when I receive money.....it still burns a hole in my pocket. I sit here stunned......after receiving yet another stark reminder that any time I choose to pick up.....it might be my last. I think of how hard it would be on my wife to leave her alone cuz I died. Geeze.....My last wife died after battling cystic fibrosis and a double lung transplant for years, and one of my first steady girlfriends died in her bed from an overdose, right beside me. It was a sleepover and I had to creep up and tell her parents she was dead. Fuck man! I hate addiction so much. It has caused such havok in my life...my family...my relationships. I can say that keeping my creativity alive has been a source of catharsis and comfort for me....throughout. Taking care of growing things, and all forms of art never fail to help me out in dark times. Sometimes I can channel that anxious or chaotic energy into a creative endeavour, like an abstract painting or some complex beadwork. When I'm done, I have a thing of beauty, and often I've been able to avoid a relapse through this "channeling obsessive loop-thoughts into art" process. Hell, I've been through all the programs.....and it's awesome to have people to share my struggles with at meetings.....but I'm reminded at the end of the day it's all up to me and my decisions. Nobody in my family could ever "prevent" me from using......lord knows they've tried. I've been incredibly resourceful in my steaming pursuit of self destruction. Learning to give and receive love in a healthy way is a lifelong process. I've been told that it requires me to treat myself in a loving way....my mind, my body, etc. I thank the Creator for bringing Kevin into the world.....blessing us all in the process. I send love and empathy to his wife Sarah and his two girls.

( Reading this thread....on this day.....when I'm in this place......has obviously brought up lots of feelings for me......I really needed to write these things.....haven't really shared in a while. ....thanks)

Dave the Wiz
 
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Bernnie Federko

TRIBE Member
Thank you Wiz & Sara for sharing. I think that takes courage. And in doing so, that effort is Work, an act of service to me (and everyone else who reads this story).
 

the wiz

TRIBE Member
Thanks Bernnie, and God bless you and your family as well bro. I haven't seen you in ages. I ran into you a few years ago at some rooftop hotel pool (near King and Peter)where everyone was just havin a ball. There were pool-noodles out and house pumping on the speakers....great memory........I felt moved to share some background on why I related to what Sarah so powerfully shared. She really opened her heart to the tribe community, at a tough time. It is a characteristic of group dynamics, that when one person takes a risk by sharing from a deeper, more personal place, that others in the group become encouraged and emboldened to do likewise. It's healthy to "unpack" my sack of past traumas from time to time. It is a testament to the Tribe community, and the efficient, positive site management that Alex provides (and has provided for many years now).....I have not experienced "troll-like" behaviour on Tribe, and I have generally felt comfortable to comment on threads. Thanks again to the Tribers out there for making this a good, safe place to share from time to time :)
 

mcbee

TRIBE Member
Reading mcbee's post about Kevin........crying so hard. Hits me close to my heart, since I too struggle with "slipping back into the darkness" from time to time.....actually on a pretty monthly basis. Seems pretty connected to the cycles of when I receive money.....it still burns a hole in my pocket. I sit here stunned......after receiving yet another stark reminder that any time I choose to pick up.....it might be my last. I think of how hard it would be on my wife to leave her alone cuz I died. Geeze.....My last wife died after battling cystic fibrosis and a double lung transplant for years, and one of my first steady girlfriends died in her bed from an overdose, right beside me. It was a sleepover and I had to creep up and tell her parents she was dead. Fuck man! I hate addiction so much. It has caused such havok in my life...my family...my relationships. I can say that keeping my creativity alive has been a source of catharsis and comfort for me....throughout. Taking care of growing things, and all forms of art never fail to help me out in dark times. Sometimes I can channel that anxious or chaotic energy into a creative endeavour, like an abstract painting or some complex beadwork. When I'm done, I have a thing of beauty, and often I've been able to avoid a relapse through this "channeling obsessive loop-thoughts into art" process. Hell, I've been through all the programs.....and it's awesome to have people to share my struggles with at meetings.....but I'm reminded at the end of the day it's all up to me and my decisions. Nobody in my family could ever "prevent" me from using......lord knows they've tried. I've been incredibly resourceful in my steaming pursuit of self destruction. Learning to give and receive love in a healthy way is a lifelong process. I've been told that it requires me to treat myself in a loving way....my mind, my body, etc. I thank the Creator for bringing Kevin into the world.....blessing us all in the process. I send love and empathy to his wife Sarah and his two girls.

( Reading this thread....on this day.....when I'm in this place......has obviously brought up lots of feelings for me......I really needed to write these things.....haven't really shared in a while. ....thanks)

Dave the Wiz
Thanks for sharing. Please please hang on. I do not want any other family member to experience what I am experiencing. I'm so angry at Kevin because he simply got to get high and then slip away peacefully. In return, he has gutted 100s of people. But that act has caused a tsunami of grief, pain and devastation. I am a widow at 41 and my girls (2 and 5) will now grow up without a father. This is not how it is supposed to be. I've been the wife of an addict long enoigh to have learned the tough lessons, that I can't save him, that it is the disease not him doing this, that he would never have wanted this....but it still doesn't take away the pain for me. I'm assuming you have a home group and a sponsor. If not, seek them out. Kevin's full participation in the program added 8 years to his life. His complacency with his recovery work recently cost him his life.

The Just For Today daily meditations brought Kevin a lot of comfort and he said that often they said exactly what he needed to hear. Another friend of mine with some significant clean time was rocked by Kevin's death. He said it's a reminder in how fragile his sobriety is. Keep up the fight every day.

:) sarah
 

the wiz

TRIBE Member
Thanks for the reply Sarah.........I appreciate the encouragement :)

I recently busted-out the JFT reading and, just like you mentioned, it was exactly the topic I needed to hear.....awesome when stars align like that.

Love and hugs,

Dave
 

mcbee

TRIBE Member
Thanks for the reply Sarah.........I appreciate the encouragement :)

I recently busted-out the JFT reading and, just like you mentioned, it was exactly the topic I needed to hear.....awesome when stars align like that.

Love and hugs,

Dave
Read it every day. It's also available as a Podcast thingy. Kevin used to listen to it on his way to the subway each mroning and said it was a great way to start the day. I wish he hadn't let this recovery tool fall by the wayside. Complacency leads to overconfidence which ultimately lead to his relapse.

:) Sarah
 

the wiz

TRIBE Member
for sure......positive routines are key. It is startling how fast my thinking can slip when positive routines break-down. Yup, daily maintenance is important. It is a testament to the love in your heart that you are able to offer sound recovery advice at such a tough time......means a lot to me Sarah. A real check-up from the neck-up. :)......not sure if native spirituality is a part of your practice, but I'd like to offer you a feather....so you can burn some cedar....puff the smoke on yourself. I saw a healer after my first wife Jamie passed away....was havin a real hard time. She was shootin coke at the end....on top on the cystic fibrosis/double lung transplant.....tough to lose her, even though I knew when I married her that we wouldn't grow old together. Anyway....this healer suggested that I pick some fresh cedar...dry it out a bit, and put two or three big handfuls in a large pot and boil it for a few hours....then once the water is dark, add it to your bath water, set-aside a cup in a mug for yourself to drink with honey while in the tub with the cedar
water. The man who told me this.....said it was an old ceremony....a way to help people process grief......it helped me after my wife passed, and so I'm sharing it with you. He said that the energy kinda "sticks" to a person in a grieving situation.....and the cedar bath helps the energy move-along....that's how he explained it. aho...mitakuye oyasin.
(all my relations....in Lakota)
Dave
 

Snuffy

TRIBE Member
I'm a little pissed. Generally, everyone I knew stuck with the "safe" drugs and stayed away from the hard stuff. We talked about other cities with disdain because they had crack circles at their parties but we didn't. There was TRIP, the campaign against GHB, and this idea that we did things right. I did know two other people that OD'd but they had other issues that I blamed it on. One guy was a runaway and wanted to be thinner. The other guy had turned poz and decided to end it with a party. Everyone else pretty much stopped and moved on with life. We escaped unscathed. I thought we were going to make it.
 

Snuffy

TRIBE Member
How the fuck did that drug find its way in our circle? Honestly. For fucks sake really no one else I know. Anything else would have been a cakewalk.
 

Snuffy

TRIBE Member
But that's the thing. Justin was kicked out and was on the street. Checking out was his way of saying "fuck it" and I accepted that. Kevin had a solid family and great prospects. There's no reason.
 

silver1

TRIBE Member
But that's the thing. Justin was kicked out and was on the street. Checking out was his way of saying "fuck it" and I accepted that. Kevin had a solid family and great prospects. There's no reason.
People with seemingly perfect lives can get caught up in addiction for any number of reasons (as Bernie has noted).

It's a real bitch that ANYONE can get caught up in. When it sinks its claws into you it's not a single Big Bang/falling over the edge type of thing that just gets you, but a slow and progressive erosion that over a long time builds and slowly takes over.

I myself had severe addiction issues in the past (not to substances) that consumed me. It was to the point that the behavior just became automatic without thinking. All "normal" reasoning went out the window and the rest of your normal life went on hold while you dove back in not even remotely thinking of the consequences.

No one says "I want to become an addict" and all all addicts falsely believe they're in control when they're not. It took me YEARS to shake off my problems but I always consider myself rediculously fortunate to have been able to come out of it and to try and never let my guard down and be immensely aware of the triggers that could bring it on again.

Unless you've been in it there is no way to truly convey to others just what it's like so please don't be quick to judge.
 

janiecakes

TRIBE Member
There's no reason.
There are always reasons. We just may not know them. Of course I understand the urge to try to make sense of this, but I don't think we are going to make sense of it anytime soon. We are going to just make ourselves nuts trying to impose logic on something that is not logical.

<3
 

the wiz

TRIBE Member
How the fuck did that drug find its way in our circle? Honestly. For fucks sake really no one else I know. Anything else would have been a cakewalk.
There's no magic "barrier" that can protect our circle from specific drugs. Not everyone who entered the rave scene was an addict, or had the predisposition to compulsive drug use. Who knows why certain people "keep the party going" long after the music stops........Gabor Mate writes about the relation between past traumas and current drug choices.....very interesting. We are all trying to process our past and deal with various past abuses (and attempts to make up for things that were lacking in our families of origin)....People choose drugs because those particular drugs "take the edge off" in a way that works for them. As addiction progresses, the barriers get smashed, and for some addicts, pretty soon every drug is open season. There seems to be a lack of the natural desire for self-preservation.....and the need for oblivion becomes paramount. Addiction is not logical......and recovery does not run in a straight line. An actively using addict has trouble "seeing" his beautiful family, since the addiction clouds judgement and takes-up a huge portion of his obsessive thinking. The addict living under the bridge and the addict with the PHD living in the new condo.....both have things in common---obsession and compulsion. They might have a very different living/family environment.....but the same deadly disease affects them both. The rich guy with the great family.....he is just as likely to OD as the dude under the bridge. Addiction is an equalizer.
 

praktik

TRIBE Member
There's no magic "barrier" that can protect our circle from specific drugs. Not everyone who entered the rave scene was an addict, or had the predisposition to compulsive drug use. Who knows why certain people "keep the party going" long after the music stops........Gabor Mate writes about the relation between past traumas and current drug choices.....very interesting. We are all trying to process our past and deal with various past abuses (and attempts to make up for things that were lacking in our families of origin)....People choose drugs because those particular drugs "take the edge off" in a way that works for them. As addiction progresses, the barriers get smashed, and for some addicts, pretty soon every drug is open season. There seems to be a lack of the natural desire for self-preservation.....and the need for oblivion becomes paramount. Addiction is not logical......and recovery does not run in a straight line. An actively using addict has trouble "seeing" his beautiful family, since the addiction clouds judgement and takes-up a huge portion of his obsessive thinking. The addict living under the bridge and the addict with the PHD living in the new condo.....both have things in common---obsession and compulsion. They might have a very different living/family environment.....but the same deadly disease affects them both. The rich guy with the great family.....he is just as likely to OD as the dude under the bridge. Addiction is an equalizer.
I always hoped our community would not indulge the same kind of reasoning that drives the Drug War, by apply stigma to lower "levels" of drug use just as we enjoyed "the right drugs".

Im guilty of this too - perhaps its a rationalization that lets people persist in their own habits because "at least I'm not doing _____"

But the underside of these assumptions is how people who should be primed to reject the mentality of the drug war, recreational drug users leading otherwise successful lives in most cases, carry on a piece of the drug war mindset within the population of 'users' - where we delineate levels above which is is ok to do drugs and below which we "should not" do drugs.

What is this but another arbitrary line like society draws below alcohol and "above" all currently-illegal drugs?
 

Poot

TRIBE Member
A childhood friend of mine, with whom I kept in contact via fb, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly earlier this year from an accidental overdose. All who knew him, except for his innermost circle, were completely unaware of his struggles. Everyone knew him as a happy, charismatic man who was wise beyond his years man, with an unmatched quick wit. He was the kind of guy that everyone loved, and he left a vivid memory even with those he hadn't seen or spoken with in decades.

His last post, a day before he passed, expressed his happiness and contentment with life.

When I received the news that he had passed, it was incomprehensible for me. I was overcome with debilitating grief. Hundreds came out to pay their respects.

His father's words will always stay with me: "We all make bad decisions. And sometimes we don't come back from them."

We can drive ourselves to insanity with the "what if"s and "if only"s.

What we fail to realize is that so many of us, by pure chance, have been fortunate to land in, and are living, the "if only".

Sarah, I am so incredibly sorry that you and your girls, your families, and so many friends and surrounding community are dealing with this devastating, tragic loss. It's NOT supposed to be this way. I can't say more or find the right words. Few of us will leave the memories or legacy that Kevin has. That doesn't make this any easier.
 

mcbee

TRIBE Member
I'm so fucking pissed the drug got the better of him. I'm so fucking pissed that he had slipped back into regular, and continued use, in my own fucking home. I'm so fucking pissed he didn't tell anyone he had gone out again. Isolation is another piece of addiction, that in the end killed him. Motherfucker.
 

JEMZ

TRIBE Member
I'm so fucking pissed the drug got the better of him. I'm so fucking pissed that he had slipped back into regular, and continued use, in my own fucking home. I'm so fucking pissed he didn't tell anyone he had gone out again. Isolation is another piece of addiction, that in the end killed him. Motherfucker.

Grief and sadness are expected. Joy at all the kindness and awe at the impact this great man made is without question. But anger is the emotion I am most sad you have to experience. You have every right to it, you really do and I'm so sorry in the wake of all those other emotions, anger has to be there. Based on everything I've read from you this far, you seem to really get that he fought hard and you get addiction is a bitch. Sadly, you get it better than most.

I know the sadness and grief and joy and awe will continue forever in their own way and their own place, but I hope and believe the anger will go away in time. I'm really saddened by this all but you both clearly got to love as great as anyone I know and anger in love rarely lasts, nor should it.
 

Pyrovitae

TRIBE Member
Oh wow.

I haven't seen Kevin for at least a decade but he was a stand-up guy. I knew him as Basic from the Hulla and AWC boards and he was such a genuine, awesome person. A great conversationalist, a great listener; I remember having thoughtful conversations with him and he always put me at ease despite that at that time I felt so insecure and unhappy with myself. He was just such a pleasure to be around and I always enjoyed spending time with him. He was a truly good soul.

Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry that your daughters have been deprived of their daddy.
 

Musical Rush

TRIBE Member
RIP buddy we had our fun in the sports threads. I think him and I used to post on the TR board , that's how I got to know him..Condolences to the ones who knew him best.
 

PinkAngeL

TRIBE Member
I am so saddend for your loss Sarah. No words can be said as such a time. Just know others, including me who hasn't seen you in 15 years, are thinking of you and your family.
Svetlana
 

PinkAngeL

TRIBE Member
Supporting someone who has such a problem is maddening. I know that anger too well,.... watching someone destroy themselves. Rage on because right now it is feeling something. Having felt that rage myself I can say it does change.

Svetlana
 
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