I guess I need to vent a little. I'm just curious as to how many others out there are in the same boat as me. btw, this is a little lengthy.
We have the following categories:
a) committed boyfriend/girlfriend (or variation) relationship. not
sleeping with or dating anyone else.
b) open relationship. still a committed relationship but both
parties have agreed that it's fine to date/sleep with others
under certain terms. but at the end of the day, there is still a
core couple.
c) people who date each other. no commitment, may or may not
be sleeping together, but still free to date others and do
whatever they want.
d) one-night stands.
.... and then there's me in my little boat.
now I'm not saying that these are the only types of relationships there are. what I’m saying is that these seem to be the only structures that most people seem to adhere to.
I don't want to be committed to anyone right now because I want to continue exploring and enjoying the freedom to play moments with people and see what forms those moments take. I'm talking about a variety of different experiences, whether they be intensely emotional, intellectual, spiritual, physical, or sexual.
I have made some amazing connections with people, but dating doesn't totally satisfy me because I find that many people tend to be very careful. There can be a lot of games, which can be fun as hell and keep both parties wanting more. I let people know that I am not looking for a relationship, so I usually only date people of the same mindset. Even though both parties know they desire to remain independent, there still tends to be some caution as to how much one can allow themselves to connect to the other person because there is the fear that one will mistake the affection and deepened interest for a desire to commit. Obviously if you are dating someone then you like them. Even so, it seems that so many people are too afraid or inhibited to commit themselves fully to a moment because they think this will mean committing themselves to the other person and to the structure of a relationship.
Then along magically comes someone who wants to and is able to give himself over fully and experience what's going on. An amazing connection is made, the cards are laid on the table that a commitment on my end is not desired and everything is said to be cool. The connection continues to deepen and now he says that it has gotten to the point where it's too deep for him to no longer have a commitment from me.
I suppose I kind of expected it, but I'm so frustrated because now I have this incredible relationship with this man whom I don't want to lose, but in order to keep him I have to choose to give up something very important to me. I'm upset, because I care very deeply for him but my independence right now is of utmost importance to me. He understands where I am coming from, and he is fine with me going off on adventures with random people and exploring, but he can't stand my having physical relationships with other people. And I understand that. So even though my independence is totally NOT about sex and physical intimacy, that's the one barrier that's standing between us. Who knows, I may not have the desire or opportunity to be intimate with another person while I’m with him, but I don’t want to cut myself off from any possibilities while I’m in this exploratory mode. Yes, there is a lot to explore within a relationship as well, and it’s amazing to experience another person, but I want to do that while still having the freedom to explore everything else. In becoming committed to one person only, I would have to take them into account when making certain decisions. This can be wonderful but it’s not what I’m looking for right now. So I'm losing someone really amazing.
I know this is long and ranting. My frustration is getting in the way of my ability to articulate my thoughts. My point is that I don't want any form of commitment to a person except for a complete and utter commitment to him in the moment. When I'm with him I am ONLY with him. When I'm not with him I may think about him but I make my decisions based on what's good for me and the people around me, not what's good for "us".
So relationships, either open or closed don't work because there is a commitment there at all times. dating is awesome but it seems people either don't allow themselves to totally let loose, or they eventually want a commitment. and one-night stands... well they’re just here because they’re a defined structure. They can be good and bad.
I bet most of you are totally confused and asking what the hell I just said …but does anyone else get it? It's like I want something that society doesn't have a definition for. not one I know anyway. and it's the hardest thing to explain because it doesn't quite fit into a,b,c or d. but at the same time it just makes a lot of sense for me. It feels natural. I’m just writing because it’s ridiculous how tricky the universe can be sometimes. Making two people fall for each other in every way and then realizing that your ideals just don’t fit. It’s frustrating. It sucks.
What do you guys think? Are you happy with the structures we’ve got? Or do you also feel like there’s more there that none of these quite encapsulate? I know that each relationship is unique and follows it’s own formula. But most people still define their relationships as fitting into one of these categories. It’s not a bad thing and I want to make clear that I am not condemning anyone who chooses one of these structures. But I find myself wanting something else.
Kirsten
We have the following categories:
a) committed boyfriend/girlfriend (or variation) relationship. not
sleeping with or dating anyone else.
b) open relationship. still a committed relationship but both
parties have agreed that it's fine to date/sleep with others
under certain terms. but at the end of the day, there is still a
core couple.
c) people who date each other. no commitment, may or may not
be sleeping together, but still free to date others and do
whatever they want.
d) one-night stands.
.... and then there's me in my little boat.
now I'm not saying that these are the only types of relationships there are. what I’m saying is that these seem to be the only structures that most people seem to adhere to.
I don't want to be committed to anyone right now because I want to continue exploring and enjoying the freedom to play moments with people and see what forms those moments take. I'm talking about a variety of different experiences, whether they be intensely emotional, intellectual, spiritual, physical, or sexual.
I have made some amazing connections with people, but dating doesn't totally satisfy me because I find that many people tend to be very careful. There can be a lot of games, which can be fun as hell and keep both parties wanting more. I let people know that I am not looking for a relationship, so I usually only date people of the same mindset. Even though both parties know they desire to remain independent, there still tends to be some caution as to how much one can allow themselves to connect to the other person because there is the fear that one will mistake the affection and deepened interest for a desire to commit. Obviously if you are dating someone then you like them. Even so, it seems that so many people are too afraid or inhibited to commit themselves fully to a moment because they think this will mean committing themselves to the other person and to the structure of a relationship.
Then along magically comes someone who wants to and is able to give himself over fully and experience what's going on. An amazing connection is made, the cards are laid on the table that a commitment on my end is not desired and everything is said to be cool. The connection continues to deepen and now he says that it has gotten to the point where it's too deep for him to no longer have a commitment from me.
I suppose I kind of expected it, but I'm so frustrated because now I have this incredible relationship with this man whom I don't want to lose, but in order to keep him I have to choose to give up something very important to me. I'm upset, because I care very deeply for him but my independence right now is of utmost importance to me. He understands where I am coming from, and he is fine with me going off on adventures with random people and exploring, but he can't stand my having physical relationships with other people. And I understand that. So even though my independence is totally NOT about sex and physical intimacy, that's the one barrier that's standing between us. Who knows, I may not have the desire or opportunity to be intimate with another person while I’m with him, but I don’t want to cut myself off from any possibilities while I’m in this exploratory mode. Yes, there is a lot to explore within a relationship as well, and it’s amazing to experience another person, but I want to do that while still having the freedom to explore everything else. In becoming committed to one person only, I would have to take them into account when making certain decisions. This can be wonderful but it’s not what I’m looking for right now. So I'm losing someone really amazing.
I know this is long and ranting. My frustration is getting in the way of my ability to articulate my thoughts. My point is that I don't want any form of commitment to a person except for a complete and utter commitment to him in the moment. When I'm with him I am ONLY with him. When I'm not with him I may think about him but I make my decisions based on what's good for me and the people around me, not what's good for "us".
So relationships, either open or closed don't work because there is a commitment there at all times. dating is awesome but it seems people either don't allow themselves to totally let loose, or they eventually want a commitment. and one-night stands... well they’re just here because they’re a defined structure. They can be good and bad.
I bet most of you are totally confused and asking what the hell I just said …but does anyone else get it? It's like I want something that society doesn't have a definition for. not one I know anyway. and it's the hardest thing to explain because it doesn't quite fit into a,b,c or d. but at the same time it just makes a lot of sense for me. It feels natural. I’m just writing because it’s ridiculous how tricky the universe can be sometimes. Making two people fall for each other in every way and then realizing that your ideals just don’t fit. It’s frustrating. It sucks.
What do you guys think? Are you happy with the structures we’ve got? Or do you also feel like there’s more there that none of these quite encapsulate? I know that each relationship is unique and follows it’s own formula. But most people still define their relationships as fitting into one of these categories. It’s not a bad thing and I want to make clear that I am not condemning anyone who chooses one of these structures. But I find myself wanting something else.
Kirsten