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Decorating Advice: Giant Tortoise Coffee Table

nawberry

TRIBE Member
Since Cityline refused to allow me to pose this question to Gluckstein, and I no longer trust Peter Fallico I am now looking to tribers for some decorating advice.

Basically I am thinking of using a giant tortoise as my feature coffee table in the main room of my apartment to add a touch of reptilian whimsy, while still having the function of a sturdy and solid piece.

Does anyone have a line on where I can score me a giant tortoise? Ideally one that fell off the truck (not literally, I want a undented shell).

…preferably not a Saddle-Backed Vandenburghi as past experience has shown them to be destructive, unloving and night-bitey.

I know that there are already a couple of threads on the topic but I chose to start a new one because creating new threads is something I love to do to attract attention that helps numb my pain :eek: .

In terms of model of giant tortoise, I am also seeking advice.

On aesthetics alone I am leaning towards a Chatamensis because I am a fan of the domed shell.

Yet, I am fearful that its darkish hue may clash with my rust coloured chairs and/or that it may eat my rust coloured chairs as they are known to have a voracious appetite for clams and my chairs smell like clams ever since I spilled a bowl of homemade clam chowder (Manhattan) on them and mistakenly thought that Febreeze alone more than just a short term patchwork solution to the problem.

It is quite axiomatic that one should not purchase tortoise nor hooker nor greeting card on aesthetics lest you be the one with the empty quiver…And seeing as tortoises live for 300 years I do not want to make this decorating and pet (petorating) decision hastily.

My other option is to steal an acrylic tortoise from the rainforest café, but this is a tall order as I am a heat score at both Toronto locations, and those bastards now really bolt their animals down really well in what I suppose is a thinly-veiled effort to thwart thievery.
 

Poot

TRIBE Member
That's the one with enough storage space to hold* dead hookers, right?



*hold... hide.... same thing
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
Poot said:
That's the one with enough storage space to hold* dead hookers, right?



*hold... hide.... same thing

It has three cubic feet of storage so you do the math.

Actually.. speaking of storage is there any gap immediately below the upper shell of a giant tortoise that could be used for storing junk or do you hit turtle right away?

And I am posing this question to everyone not just Jessica as her past advice about reptile purchases has been less than stellar, and is a large part of why I am now stuck with an ill Gila Monster that IS poisonous.
 
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Poot

TRIBE Member
You could attach a storage compartment of sorts atop the tortoise. However, this is not advisable, as it will detract from the natural beauty that is the shell, not to mention greatly annoy the tortoise.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to take that chance until you had established a more trusting, and ideally symbiotic, relationship with your new furniture friend.

Also, this will add undesirable height to the table, and make it challenging to access beverage cups and other table top items at a comfortable level.
 
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MoFo

TRIBE Member
There's a store in Kensington that could probably make one for you. But it will probably be over $1000.
 
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nawberry

TRIBE Member
eLeKTRon said:
Could we have some pics up in this piece, puh-lease?
I am thinking something along these lines:



Especially the one in the middle.

This one is quite breathtaking, but makes little sense as a coffee table, it is more of a coat rack tortoise:

 

cosmosuave

TRIBE Member
This...



plus this...



Plus this...



Would get you a good DIY tortoise table for under $50... Plus it will double up as a jacuzzi ...
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
MoFo said:
There's a store in Kensington that could probably make one for you. But it will probably be over $1000.
European meats?

$1000 is pretty good, after shipping, assembly, and all of the bribes to wildlife agents and custom officials, a real giant tortoise ends up costing well over $20,000, and that doesn't account for the on-going cost of vet bills, urine removal, food, obedience training and heat lamps.

It may also be somewhat politically incorrect to harbour a near extinct species as a table. As we learned with the demise of the unicorn decades ago.
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
cosmosuave said:
This...



Would get you a good DIY tortoise table for under $50... Plus it will double up as a jacuzzi ...
After payday I will have $50. and I know a good place for cinderblocks.

Your Mr. turtle faux giant tortoise table idea may be the winner!

My first order of business would be to lose the kids, put on some Burt Bacharat, and slide into the jacuzzi with that yummy mommy.
 
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annec

TRIBE Member
I remember turtle pools! We had one for just 1 summer, then my kid sister aimed her heel in the right (WRONG) place, and poof, the water went everywhere, and no more Mr. Turtle boohoo!
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
annec said:
I remember turtle pools! We had one for just 1 summer, then my kid sister aimed her heel in the right (WRONG) place, and poof, the water went everywhere, and no more Mr. Turtle boohoo!
How traumatic.

You should sue those Mr Turtle bastards...or your sister, or both.
 

cosmosuave

TRIBE Member
nawberry said:
After payday I will have $50. and I know a good place for cinderblocks.

Your Mr. turtle faux giant tortoise table idea may be the winner!

My first order of business would be to lose the kids, put on some Burt Bacharat, and slide into the jacuzzi with that yummy mommy.
Make sure I get an invite... I may be able to help you with some other interior design issues..Make sure to have a bottle of Campari on hand...
 

nawberry

TRIBE Member
cosmosuave said:
Make sure I get an invite... I may be able to help you with some other interior design issues..Make sure to have a bottle of Campari on hand...
I will have two bottles of Campari and a magnum of Masi.
 
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Soulster

TRIBE Member
nawberry said:
It may also be somewhat politically incorrect to harbour a near extinct species as a table. As we learned with the demise of the unicorn decades ago.
extra points for mentioning unicorns.


great thread nawberry!

<3
 

djglobalkiller

TRIBE Promoter
i rode a giant tortoise as a kid in kenya when i lived there

was huge!!! even my sis and i could get on it.

i am pretty sure it is illegal to have it in canada, or to bring it back here, then again, you could always call the zoo, and find out what they do with the old ones when they pass on, i am sure it gets used for studies first, but the shells could always be used afterwards for somethign else, hey even make a donation to the zoo, may get you somewhere
 
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