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Dealing with emotionally unstable/unhealthy people

Discussion in 'Health Forum' started by deevah, Jun 9, 2010.

  1. deevah

    deevah TRIBE Member

    I think most of you know that I'm not one to be sympathetic to the emotional by-products of a shitstorm when you see it in the making for over a year.

    Take the following concoction:

    - 2 highly emotional gay men (one of whom is my god-bro who is stubbornly naive, 1 frenchman who is an intense control freak)
    - add a cruise ship courtship (both met and worked on the same ship)
    - dash of rushed engagement and wedding (despite warnings from all family members
    - add living 1 year on a single salary as the frenchman couldn't work for a flavour of financial woes. Reverse the income structure a couple months later as bro gets laid off
    - introduce depression into the mix. After getting married in April, fighting begins in June. Bro claims one of the sources of their fighting is his depression. Frenchman agrees there are self-esteem and trust issues. After 6 hours of bbm'ing one night (b/c bro will respond to my phone calls with a txt, refuses to speak in real time), deevz finally manages to have bro affirm logic no longer resides in his head and convinces him he needs help. Bro goes to see therapist once and declares he doesn't need counseling.
    - stick a deevah in between the fighting (pretty much on a pattern of 3 bad weeks with 1 good week...like reverse PMS). The frenchman complains to me often, Bro tells me nothing. French hubby asks for my POV and advice, Bro is sure to follow quickly after interrogating me on the semantics of what i said, generally starting any conversation by being confrontational. Countless mid-sentence hang-ups by him b/c i don't necessarily agree with him, therefore i'm "not on his side". If i reach out to bro pro-actively to chat, generally met with a "i don't want to talk". Boiling point reached, deevah asks to be removed since they continue to leverage her in their fights.
    - French hubby tells me he feels he's wasting his life on this relationship after one of the bad fights
    - discover (read: walked-in on) they have settled into a polyamorous relationship...with arbitrary rules
    - get the msg from the hubby that he's been cheating on the bro. He's surprised that I'm not surprised. Tell hubby i don't want to get involved but if bro wants to talk, i'm here. Deevz sends younger bro to probe and ask if older bro is ok - answer "i don't want to talk about it" Get a bbm (!) from bro few days later with another confrontational msg about why i don't care.

    - still haven't been able to chat with bro live, bbm's me as he ignores my phone calls. When told no further bbms to me will be answered, he switches to FB.

    I'm tired, I'm numb, I'm angry, I'm insulted. I've known and stuck by my bro for 20+ years...been thru his coming out, his HIV diagnosis, making sure his bills get paid while he was away for years, the last year of fighting and stick a fork in me, I'm done. Tired with the passive aggression, tired of the interrogation, tired of the expectation that i can read his mind about what he wants. Tired of the emotional manipulation from both hubby and bro, exhausted from Bro's tactics of reverting back to a 4 yr old child who either runs away from home or behaves badly to get attention. Sick of having my loyalty questioned.

    Done. Done. Done.
  2. Sal De Ban

    Sal De Ban TRIBE Member

    i just finished reading this.
  3. deevah

    deevah TRIBE Member

    thanks for reading the rant
  4. NemIsis

    NemIsis TRIBE Member

    Nothing wrong with ranting. I do it often.

    Have a gay 'bro' myself, and I feel your pain. I've been through his ups, downs, relationships etc., This will work itself out. It usually does, and it sounds like you are close (despite the drama that always seem to come from these situations). Just let it be for now and take a break.

    Much like sibling relationships, gay 'bros' can be annoying but you love them anyway. You just don't love them right now ;)
  5. keline

    keline TRIBE Member

    Unrelated: Are you sure he would want his HIV+ status posted on the internet?
  6. deevah

    deevah TRIBE Member

    it's no secret darling and since they are engaging in sex outside of their marriage, it's warranted that information should be made known
  7. Sal De Ban

    Sal De Ban TRIBE Member

    that's part's a little messed. i hope there is full disclosure at these little tea parties of theirs. it kills the mood a little, but then again better the mood than you! that's all i got for ya.
  8. lucky1

    lucky1 TRIBE Member

    whats BBM' ing?
  9. deevah

    deevah TRIBE Member

    blackberry msger
  10. Ms. Fit

    Ms. Fit TRIBE Member

    wow, sorry to hear about this stress. at this point, unless you're a trained counselor/therapist/etc there's not much more you can do except be there when he calls you needing help...but i don't know, this is a pretty intense situation.
  11. erika

    erika TRIBE Member

    Poor deevah!
    It's one thing being friends and supportive; it's another being stuck in the middle like that. I think you have gone above and beyond.
    It also sounds like their "union" was premature, possibly prompted by visa stuff, which can sometimes be the wrong kind of catalyst.
    So yeah, let them know you care about them, but that this is stuff they need to sort out for themselves, like adults.
    And take a break. Sometimes, without an audience to feed, things calm down a notch.
  12. R4V4G3D_SKU11S

    R4V4G3D_SKU11S TRIBE Member

    I wonder if people know that BBM stands for Big Bowel Movement in the health care field.

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