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cosa on eggnog pie

judge wopner

TRIBE Member

Cosa On Eggnog and Candy Cane Pie with a dash of Christmas Cheer

The Christmas Eve Tradition

Every Christmas Eve, the cosa's gather for a feast of ham and pie. These are wonderful nights of sheer and unadulterated pre-yuletide jollity. So fun are cosa Christmas Eves that, to maintain a sense of balance and not overdose on the holiday cheer, we make sure to do the exact opposite on Christmas Day and each individually disperse for a day of tempered and adulterated X-Mas solemnity. Last year, I was the host of the ham and pie gaiety, and my nephew Jimmy came by in the afternoon to help me prepare the feast. I utilized the opportunity catch up with him (he changes every time I see him) while also doing the others a favour by getting the "tiresome" Jimmy out of everyone else’s hair for a bit!

Jimmy Cries #1

Jimmy came by my house 'round noon, probably brimming with barely containable excitement upon his arrival, but Unfortunately, I was engaged with an unexpected, business-related phone call, which forced Jimmy to wait outside for a bit before I was able to answer the door for him.

Despite his incessant and tiresome protestations to the contrary, I am sure Jimmy understood my reasons for not promptly answering the door for him. I had good reason, as I had been consumed in conversations with Sprint Canada over the hour and a bit that he had been waiting outside, and was on the verge of being taken on as one of their residential clients. Jimmy, or no Jimmy, I wasn't terminating or interrupting that conversation for the sake of nobody. Jimmy’s frostbites were only minor, residential phone savings are major, his tears dried, and he was soon enough back in the yuletide game!

Jimmy and cosa Bake Ham and Pie

The ham was simple, add some MSG, and throw it in the George Foreman roaster. I lived large this year, and invested in a Wagener Ham from Pusateri's, so I knew that the end product would be tasty, hammy, and moist. As for pie, I went with an old Christmas standby - Eggnog Candy Cane Pie. The Lanny McDonald of Christmas Pies, a simple, yet effective, defensive stay-at-home eggy pie. Done correctly, Eggnog Candy Cane Pie, so long as you are a fan of the combination of eggs and spearmint, is one of the more delicious Christmas desserts. Done improperly, an Eggnog Candy Cane Pie can easily turn out to be disgusting, smelly, and unhealthy.

But it was not all hard work in the kitchen for Jimmy and I, intermittently throughout the pie-making process, we giggled and tickled each other, made numerous crank calls, shot lots of tequila, blew countless raspberries on each other bellies, and surfed for some hardcore yet festive Christmas porn on the

What Fun! I still cackle heartily each time I recall the image of Jimmy on that day, totally dusted in flour, dripping with eggnog and tequila, and covered (bafflingly)with oregano. What a mess!

Dr. cosa's Eggnog Candy Cane Pie Recipe
1 pie crust

1 case (12 x 90g) of Christmas Sprinkles

1 Dozen Candy Canes

1 packet cherry jello

1 1/2 C. eggnog

1 C. powdered sugar

1/4 C. I Can't Believe Its Not Butter

2 8-oz. packages cream cheese

1/4 t. nutmeg

1/4 t. rum extract

1 c. of the Holiday Spirit

1/4 t. of goodwill to all men (may substitute with heavy cream)

Heat oven to 450° F. In saucepan, sprinkle jello over 1/2 cup of eggnog. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until jello is dissolved. Combine

powdered sugar, margarine and cream cheese. Beat at low speed until light and fluffy. Gradually add nutmeg, candy canes, rum extract, jello and remaining

eggnog. Beat until smooth; pour into crust. Sprinkle heavily.
(To make Festive Chilean Sea bass Pie as a Christmas dinner alternative to turkey- simply substitute pureed Sea Bass fillets for the egg nog, salmon cream cheese for the plain, and raspberry jello in lieu of cherry jello. You will be pleasantly surprised at how well candy canes marry with sea bass!

Jimmy Cries #2

Jimmy confessed to me, while the pie was baking, filling the kitchen with that distinctive baked nog smell I have come to associate with Christmas Eve, that the only thing that he really wanted as a gift was a new stuffed penguin. "Just like Pingy" Jimmy said, referring to the beloved stuffed toy friend he had
lost that year at St. Andrews Subway station. “I miss him so," Jimmy lamented. I explained to Jimmy, "Pingy is gone Jimmy, you lost him, and now he is gone, gone forever, Jimmy, Pingy is gone forever, your inadvertance caused you to lose him". For some reason, perhaps overwhelmed by the fun he was having, Jimmy
ran upstairs yet again bawling and punching the wall with every step on his ascent.

The Guests

Our guests arrived! Jimmy, whom despite not acting his age, is in fact, nearly 35 years old, reluctantly rejoined the party. We all sat down for our feast, 10 of us in total- Mom, Dad, Gran, Gramps, Jimmy's girlfriend Maria, who seemed quite thankful that I had kept Jimmy occupied for the afternoon, Maria's ex-husband Frank, who also, somewhat suspiciously, was thankful that I had "kept Jimmy busy", and also two of Jimmy's co-workers from the factory who were both new to the T-Dot and looking for some Christmas action, namely- Anatoly and Stix(Stix later turned have an affair with Maria and won't be invited back this year without an apology). Anatoly is welcome back at Chez cosa anytime, but has yet to take me up on one of offers.


While eating, I decided to loosen the tension and get the party grooving by busting out my dope rendition of "Bring Da Snow Yo", which is my favourite Christmas rap other than Run DMCs seminal carol "Christmas in Hollis", which I had performed, but royally botched, the year prior. Having learned from my previous year’s mistakes, I practiced pretty solidly for six months leading up to the Christmas Eve performance. This time I chose only to rap, rather than to attempt to rap and dance simultaneously, which, looking back, was a large part of what caused things to turn so drastically south the last time.

I am pretty sure that now that terrible Christmas in Hollis botch-job is forgotten, as this time, I turned that mother out! My rapping, on point, the lyrics, apt-

So now is come our joyful feast,
Let every real G be nolly;
Each room with ivy leaves is dressed,
And Christmas hoes be jolly.

Without the door let sorrow lie,
And if for cold it now to die,
We'll burry it in a Christmas Eggnog Pie,
And all my peeps evermore be merry.

(From "Bring Da Snow Yo" feat. THE RZA and Ghostface Killah- from the Wu-Tang Christmas album "We Came to bring da Candycanes, homeboy".)

I have even sent a tape of me rapping “Make it Snow Yo†to Maestro to see what he thinks. Can you say “collaboration�

Jimmy Cries #3

Seeing as the cosa's must disperse on Christmas Day, our tradition is to open all of the presents on Christmas Eve. My excitement was primarily directed towards Jimmy (and also, I must admit, Maria, who was looking hot). I knew that my gift for Jimmy was spot on.

Jimmy finally opened my gift, which was Pingy’s head stapled to a used copy of Dr. James Petersen's book "Psychotherapy and The Borderline Adult: A Developmental Approach". Jimmy, this time out of happiness no doubt, once again ran upstairs bawling and wailing profanities all the way up!

After Jimmy calmed down, I explained that the book had been highly recommended to me by a man who managed, or at least was browsing in, the non-fiction section at Chapters. This man called it "good start" to deal with an irrational dependence on stuffed birds and ficticious friends. I also admitted to Jimmy that Pingy was never really lost and that I had stolen him when he left him unattended. Jimmy lashed out, calling me a “psychotic meddler†and a hypocrite because of the fact that I carry a toy stuffed penguin with me everywhere I go.

My Christmas Revelation

In the end, as I looked back on the night, it dawned upon me that it really didn't matter that the pie was undercooked, or that nobody commented on my unbelievable Christmas Village set up, or that I puked from drinking too much tequila, or that Jimmy was really me, or that I just pretended that my family and friends had come over and really just ate the Eggnog Candycane pie alone while bathing, or that I was excluded from the real Wopner ham & pie feast because of my scandalous actions the year prior, no…, those were all trivialities.

...what really mattered, when you get down to brass tacks, is that this year’s ham, in my opinion, was far better than the glorified slab of rubbery luncheon meat that Maria, notwithstanding all of those courses that she had taken at the Bonnie Stern cooking school, had made at our previous pie and ham feast.

And while others at the table that fateful night did not express agreement when I pointed out to Maria at the feast that her ham sucked and that she was a slut, I knew that they felt the same. I have come to expect this kind of funny treatment from my family as it has been a running Wopner joke for everyone to leave
me hanging after I utter one of my poignant Christmas observations!

Happy Holidays,

dr. cosa
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