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Cheatin'

soulbrother 10

TRIBE Member
I'm sure this has come up before but . . .

What does Tribe think about the rightness or wrongness of having 'something on the side' while in a supposedly monogamous relationship with a significant other? Is it always wrong, a sin even - or can it be justified in certain circumstances?

Would you ever be unfaithful to your s.o.? Would you forgive s.o. if he/she had sex with another person? Is longterm monagamy a desirable state in any event? Are humans genetically designed for monogamy or for sexual variety. Are longterm stable 'open' relationships possible or desirable

Can of worms I know.
 
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le bricoleur

TRIBE Member
people who cheat are cowardly scumbags.
if you want out, have the decency, respect and guts to break your current relationship off.

b
 

Sleepy Giant

TRIBE Member
le bricoleur said:
people who cheat are cowardly scumbags.
if you want out, have the decency, respect and guts to break your current relationship off.

b
But at least make a phone call.

Don't send an email you gutless coward!!!!
 

~atp~

TRIBE Member
1. Honesty.
2. Respect.
3. Lots of communication couched in the above two pieces.

= Success.


Establishing expectations or attempting to live according to cultural norms is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
 

litespeed

Well-Known TRIBEr
.if you need something on the side, you shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship.

that being said... i've cheated on a girlfreind before.. i felt terrible about it... don't think i would ever do it again... guilt and lying don't work well for me. As for forgiving a significant other if they fucked around... I'm inclined to say no, but I don't think i'd really know unless I was in that situation.
 
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~atp~

TRIBE Member
It seems unfair, presumptuous and arrogant to universally declare that you can "never forgive someone" for cheating.
 

Sleepy Giant

TRIBE Member
~atp~ said:
It seems unfair, presumptuous and arrogant to universally declare that you can "never forgive someone" for cheating.
Have you ever tried? I did and those feelings never ever went away.
 

~atp~

TRIBE Member
Yep, I have, and I can. I can understand if in your experience you have great difficulty with that particular sort of forgiveness; it's a completely reasonable thing to have difficulty with, and so I think it is valid for others to feel differently than I do (stating the blatantly obvious here)...nevertheless, I just think that there are valid circumstances where at least attempting forgiveness is ... worthy?
 
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C.C

TRIBE Member
cheating is either cowardly or selfish

why would you be in a monogamous relationship if you don't want to be monogamous?!!?!??!
 

Sleepy Giant

TRIBE Member
~atp~ said:
Yep, I have, and I can. I can understand if in your experience you have great difficulty with that particular sort of forgiveness; it's a completely reasonable thing to have difficulty with, and so I think it is valid for others to feel differently than I do (stating the blatantly obvious here)...nevertheless, I just think that there are valid circumstances where at least attempting forgiveness is ... worthy?
Point taken.

I thought I forgave her, but apparently I was unable to completely let go. Not being able to let go of it is something that still troubles me to this day.
 

Interchange

TRIBE Promoter
hmm cheating is bad news it is selfish and unfair.

Maybe going to a club like wicked, swaping or something....

i think if i am ever going to be with someone lon term that has to be an option for down the road we all get bored
 
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samsara

New Member
In my opinion it basically all comes down to communication and honesty. People can have all kinds of wacky relationships if they are prepared and know what they’re getting into, but there is no excuse at all for deception - it’s just dirty, and even dangerous. If you want to be open about things – communicate that to your s/o so that they can make an informed decision about what kind of person you are, and more importantly if they can deal being in that kind of relationship. There’s nothing worse then constantly guessing and then finding out you’ve been lied to by someone you put your trust into.
 

~atp~

TRIBE Member
Aw now Val, it's not a load of crap that I'm forcing on everyone else. It's my own perspective...or crap.

Also, obviously, I'm not justifying "cheating" as an, er, "ethical" activity. Which is maybe where some of the hostility is coming from.
 
Firstly, I'm always hostile, you should know this already!

Secondly, I find that particular POV of making it a universally acceptible way of dealing with cheating (forgiving according to circumstances) is craaaaaaaaaaap.

p.s. Think of the word craaaaaaaaaap much like Jane's faaaaaaaaaaaaaart. It's got great appeal.
 

--[Zirca]--

TRIBE Promoter
Have never cheated and doubt I ever will. Those who do are cowardly or plain disrespectful. If both people are cool with it though, than that's an entirely different story.

I would never forgive a gf/wife for cheating either. Cheat, your ass is out the door faster than a fat kid on a smartie.

Those are my general thoughts, :p
Dan
 
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Lysistrata

Well-Known TRIBEr
C.C said:
cheating is either cowardly or selfish

why would you be in a monogamous relationship if you don't want to be monogamous?!!?!??!

because you fall in love with someone monogamous maybe? and you both try, and you both talk and you both try to compromise, and you both try to evaluate and regulate your feelings, but funny how such an intagibles as 'feelings' are difficult to pin down enough to evaluate and regulate for a consistently successful compromise.

sex is not an inherently exclusive human drive: thus there is no inherent value in monogamy. but if two people people agree on something, anything, than any transgression of that is a wrong. we do, as a result of years of hierarchical structure, value monogamy, and so most relataionships have that agreement going on and have an entirely hysterical reaction against that transgression as compared to all others.

it's still wrong of course. but only if youhave sat down at some point and agreed "yes we are now monogamous." (and things aren't usually that simple.)

where 'cheating' gets dirty is when a lie is maintained. *spits on ashley madison*
 
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