Car Accident !!! BAD!!!!! (and other stuff to make us laugh)

Klubmasta Will · Jan 16, 2002

i'm not usually one for email forwards but this one made me laugh pretty hard:

Many people who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms.

The following quotes were taken from actual insurance forms:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscurring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

-------------------------

If you have any funny forwards or good jokes, post 'em here.

stir-fry · Jan 16, 2002

I had been shopping for pants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscurring my vision. I did not see the other car

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

Sorry for the annoying arrows, but I am not going through and erasing them all.

> > > > >Modern Male Etiquette
> > > > >
> > > > >1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
> > > > >
> > > > >2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
> > > > >
> > > > >3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally
> > killed
> > > > >and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
> > > > >
> > > > >4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
> father,
> > > > >shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and
should
> not
> > > > >provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts.
You
> > are
> > > > >permitted to deny his very existence.
> > > > >
> > > > >5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must
bail
> a
> > > > >friend out of jail within 12 hours.
> > > > >
> > > > >6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
> without
> > > > >recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed
to
> call,
> > > > >"Bullshit!" Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the
allowable
> > > > >exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
> > > > >
> > > > >7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
> > > > >off-limits forever.
> > > > >
> > > > >8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's
> > > > >running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to
wait 10
> > > > >minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10
> > scale.
> > > > >
> > > > >9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
refrigerator
is
> > > > >forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
> > > > >
> > > > >10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another
> man.
> > > > >In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
optional
> and
> > > > >slightly gay.
> > > > >
> > > > >11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your
buddy
is
> > > > >trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried
> away
> > > with
> > > >
> > > > >your good deed and end up going too far with the beast, your
pal is
> > > > >forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
> > > > >
> > > > >12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
> permission
> > > > >and he, in return, is required to grant it.
> > > > >
> > > > >13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
treated as
> > spies
> > > > >until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick
> a
> > > > >buffalo wing clean.
> > > > >
> > > > >14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't
see
> > > > >nothin'.
> > > > >
> > > > >15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer.
> > > > >
> > > > >16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
> > > > >
> > > > >17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends
within
30
> > > > >minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice
with her
> gal
> > > > >pals' significant dickheads. Low-level sports bonding is all
the
law
> > > > >requires.
> > > > >
> > > > >18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may
> > > > >always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask
> > who's
> > > > >playing.
> > > > >
> > > > >20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick-drink only when
> you're
> > > > >sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
> > > > >supermodel... and it's free.
> > > > >
> > > > >21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
> > > > >
> > > > >22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must
> > > > >remain sober enough to fight.
> > > > >
> > > > >23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned or too drunk to
fight, you
> > must
> > > > >jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24
> > > > >hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy
needs is
a
> > > > >good ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy.
> > > > >
> > > > >24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
> > lifting:
> > > > >
> > > > > "Yeah, baby, push it!"
> > > > > "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
> > > > > "Another set and we can hit the showers."
> > > > > "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"
> > > > >
> > > > >25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of
> > > > >pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
> > > > >
> > > > >26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring
> to
> > > his
> > > >
> > > > >beer.
> > > > >
> > > > >27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when
> > > > >she's withholding sex pending your response.
> > > > >
> > > > >28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
> footing,
> > > > >such as both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
> > situations,
> > > a
> > > > >nod is all the conversation you need.
> > > > >
> > > > >29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you
may
> > > > >not join him. Too gay.
> > > > >
> > > > >30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you
must
> > > > >attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet,
look
you
> in
> > > the
> > > >
> > > > >eye, and deliver a "Fuck Off!" You are absolved of your
> responsibility.
> > > > >

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

Old one, but I just got it yet again:

> > > > > > > PONDER THESE
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Did you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
apiece
> on
> > > > > > > those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
> > backwards.
> > > > > > > NAIVE
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a
> > > > > > > peeing section in a swimming pool?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags"
and
> > > > > > > the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what
does
> that
> > > > make
> > > >
> > > > > > > the Tennessee Titans ?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that
mean
> that
> > > > > > > one enjoys it?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > There are three religious truths:
> > > > > > > 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
> > > > > > > Messiah.
> > > > > > > 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
> > > > > > > of the Christian faith.
> > > > > > > 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
> > > > > > > liquor store or at Hooters.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several
> times,
> > > > > > > does he become disoriented?
> > > > > > > If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from
> > > > > > > Holland called Holes?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? (<--
> > > > > > > my favorite)!
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
you
put
> > > > > > > your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they
just
> stale
> > > > > > > bread to begin with?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Why is a person who plays the piano called a
> > > > > > > pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a
racist?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it
> > > > > > > follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted,
> > > > cowboys
> > > >
> > > > > > > deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry
> > cleaners
> > > > > > > depressed?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
UP?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > What hair color do they put on the driver's
> > > > > > > licenses of bald men?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little
> > > > > > > spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use?
> > > > > > > Toothpicks?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office?
> What
> > > > > > > are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they
just put
> > their
> > > > > > > pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for
them
> > > > while
> > > >
> > > > > > > they deliver the mail?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > If it's true that we are here to help others, then
> > > > > > > what exactly are the others here for?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive!

d

pr0nstar · Jan 16, 2002

I fucking hate >>>>'s

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

Originally posted by pr0nstar:
I fucking hate >>>>'s

me too, but what am i supposed to do? That's how I got em.

d

stir-fry · Jan 16, 2002

you can cut and past the email into wordpad and replace ">"'s with ""'s

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

BTW, why do <<<<<<< appear on many email forwards? Anyone, anyone?

d

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

Originally posted by stir-fry:
you can cut and past the email into wordpad and replace ">"'s with ""'s

Yeah, in Word too. Course, I'm at work, and that takes more time - gotta do some actual work around here!

d

Vidman · Jan 16, 2002

In windoze click START, RUN, type WRITE hit <enter>, paste the email inside the empty docment, go to EDIT, REPLACE.., in the first box put ">", leave the second one blank, click REPLACE ALL.

Done.

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

Originally posted by Vidman:
In windoze click START, RUN, type WRITE hit <enter>, paste the email inside the empty docment, go to EDIT, REPLACE.., in the first box put ">", leave the second one blank, click REPLACE ALL.

Done.

Sigh.

I'll remember that.....

Anyways, I can read it fine.

d

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

Modern Male Etiquette

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally
killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father,
shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and
should
not
provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts.
You
are
permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must
bail
a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without
recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed
to
call,
"Bullshit!" Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the
allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to
wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10
scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
refrigerator
is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another
man.
In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
optional
and
slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your
buddy
is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried
away
with

your good deed and end up going too far with the beast, your
pal is
forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission
and he, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
treated as
spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick
a
buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't
see
nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends
within
30
minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice
with her
gal
pals' significant dickheads. Low-level sports bonding is all
the
law
requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask
who's
playing.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick-drink only when
you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must
remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned or too drunk to
fight, you
must
jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24
hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy
needs is
a
good ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring
to
his

beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing,
such as both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
situations,
a
nod is all the conversation you need.

29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you
may
not join him. Too gay.

30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you
must
attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet,
look
you
in
the

eye, and deliver a "Fuck Off!" You are absolved of your
responsibility.

d

LoopeD · Jan 16, 2002

PONDER THESE

Did you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
apiece
on
those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards.
NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags"
and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what
does
that
make

the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that
mean
that
one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or at Hooters.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several
times,
does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from
Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? (<--
my favorite)!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
you
put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they
just
stale
bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a
racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted,
cowboys

deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry
cleaners
depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use?
Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office?
What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they
just put
their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for
them
while

they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then
what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive!

d

KiFe · Jan 16, 2002

Originally posted by LoopeD:
BTW, why do <<<<<<< appear on many email forwards? Anyone, anyone?

d

They show you the amount of times that >>'s line was quoted or forwarded.

first replies come back with one > and so on.

Rosey · Jan 16, 2002

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

d

Click to expand...

yes. the lipton-unilever empire makes many products, including coffee, which are supplied free of charge (or discounted) to employees in the comfortable break rooms.

kodos · Jan 16, 2002

always with the sports...

Car Accident !!! BAD!!!!! (and other stuff to make us laugh)

Klubmasta Will

TRIBE Member

stir-fry

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

pr0nstar

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

stir-fry

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

Vidman

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

LoopeD

TRIBE Member

KiFe

TRIBE Member

Rosey

TRIBE Member

kodos

TRIBE Member