Its amazing how a single 1/4 pound in the right place can entirely change your mood and your perceptions of the world. The other wise mundane activities like going to a bank machine, or standing on the corner drinking a bottle from a brown bag suddenly take on a new meaning. The morning debate of if it was better to simply place the potato in my briefs or to use a condom and cock ring had been decided by our resident expert Neil. It would be impossible for me to even write this if not for the helpful information so regularly imparted upon me by my resident expert.
For some reason whenever I arrive at a gate where there is security and searches I feel guilty, maybe because I am, maybe because of years of raving. But inherently when I looked at the security guard searching my resident experts bag I could help but fear that the security guard was about to search mine if you know what I mean. Its not like this never happened, I distinctly remember a warehouse party where the security guard checked my package while assuring me she was only searching for weapons, it especially struck me as odd being that I was nowhere near the door and had been at the party for several hours already. But other than a long stare from the local police officer I wasn't searched any further. Its hard enough to explain why you have an illegal substance strapped to Mr. happy, let alone pretend to explain the presence of a potato to a young female police officer.
Nature has certain regular cycles, as fall turns to winter and winter to spring as a girl smiles back when she is smiled too one can't help but appreciate nature. One also can't help but gain further understanding of Freud when a sixty year old woman who reminds you of a classic grandmother returns your smile only after checking out your potato. The reactions cannot be explained using rational thought, some reactions were down right frightening like the woman behind the bbq rib stand who kept on dunking my corn cob into the vat of butter while staring blankly at my potato. Others were comical like the guy who clenched his fists after catching his girlfriend in a mindful stare.
The sound of the cars was nowhere near as deafening as I had expected, the hush discussion you would normally have when faced with a circumstance however couldn't be simply whispered. Things you would say only to your closest friends or to the resident expert on the topics of silicone for instance cannot be spoken in solitude, everything is just a little more public. The waitress who was so quick to jump over three customer to dispense to us drinks we had not yet ordered for instance may not have given herself up if not for the conversation with the bartender. Its hard to mistake the words that came out of her mouth, things that just wouldn't be allowed in a Disney flick. I almost had to blush but as soon as I did a girl from almost 20 feet away started to pose as if I had a camera in my hand. Not just a quick wink, but a full on flirting smile and hip shake while wearing cutoff spandex shorts and a sports bra, its hard to argue with the power of a potato.
There is a shocking Canadians to an event like the Indy. Unlike elsewhere in the world where you can't help but know who is sponsoring the event by the proximity of there tents to all major gates it took almost an hour to find a beer tent. What kind of brewery sponsors a race and doesn't just license the whole thing. It wasn't like there was a map of the event that showed you where the beer tents were, no it was like a divine mystery. On top of this I was starting to feel uncomfortable with the attention my potato was getting. I was alright with the women and felt flattered that so many men were clearly gay, but I never realized how many middle aged men were fascinated with large potatoes. Who'd have think it, maybe they were exploring something they had never experienced maybe the horsepower on the starting grid was simply not enough for them. The resident expert had informed me that basically the starting grid has about the horsepower of a 747 engine, suddenly however I was riding on a power of an entirely different kind. They style of power you feel when women body check one another to open the door for you. Its hard to never let them see you sweat, but faced with the reality that it was the door to the washroom I have to admit to finding it a little difficult.
You have to congratulate Paul Tracey on a brilliant win at the race. Not just for running a perfect race from beginning to end but for being able to hold it for that long. I however was at several disadvantages, I had been exploring the beer tents, I had to counter the effects of alcohol with coffee and to fight the dehydration I also had to drink plenty of water. Now my carefully planned morning was beginning to back fire. I was about to have to face the dread of a crowded wall of urinals with my potato prosthetic. How many men would be able to stick to the rules and keep there eyes up when I was going to be forced to fumble down there for just a little to long. The shock and embarrassment of being caught with a potato must be something even Milli Vinilli never had to face. But just to my luck there was salvation, and empty cubicle that was only slightly less pleasant than my worst high school memory. And yes it did feel like finding the worst toilet in Scotland, and yes it was still a palace compared to the notion of what I would have had to have dealt with oh so publicly.
Flagging a cab is never a tough event in the city of Toronto. Catching a cab when you are walking with hundreds of people leaving an event is a whole different experience. Although having in past offered to share cabs with many young ladies on the street never have I been asked before. I was so impressed at the young ladies hospitality, offering to take me and my resident expert home for drinks, driving the opposite direction in a cab to drop us off. Class acts all the way.
I suggest the Indy to anyone, especially if you need to feel the reactions of others, or find yourself in need of 17,000 horsepower to feel vindicated. But inherently it still doesn't compete with a simple tubular root.
These were my personal experiences your millage may very, Ditto Much