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Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest - 2003 results

Discussion in 'TRIBE Main Forum' started by stir-fry, Aug 24, 2003.

  1. stir-fry

    stir-fry TRIBE Member


    postmod posted a link to this contest last year, and i just realized they did 2003 recently.. The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels.

    These are fucking golden!

    Grand Panjandrum's Special Prize
    Colin grabbed the switchgear and slammed the spritely Vauxhall Vixen into a lower gear as he screamed through the roundabout heading toward the familiar pink rowhouse in Puking-On-The-Wold, his mind filled with the image of his comely Olive, dressed in some lacy underthing, waiting on the couch with only a smile and a cucumber sandwich, hoping that his lunch hour would provide sufficient time for both a naughty little romp and a digestive biscuit.
    Randy Groom
    Visalia, CA

    Dishonorable Mentions:
    They say she carried her own warmth around with her, like one of those thermoregulating arctic mammals, say, a polar bear, or a baby harp seal (though not a penguin, which is antarctic, anyway, and not a mammal, but a bird), but she wasn't fat or blubbery, which makes it all the more unbelievable why anyone would have wanted to club her to death for her fur coat, which wasn't even white, I'm told, but black.
    Harry H. Buerkett
    Urbana, IL

    I'd stumbled onto solving my first murder case, having found myself the only eyewitness, yet no matter how frantically I pleaded with John Law that the perp was right in front of them and the very dame they'd been grilling - the sultry but devious Miss Kitwinkle, who played the grieving patsy the way a concert pianist player plays a piano - the cops just kept smiling and stuffing crackers in my beak.
    Chris Esco
    Miami, FL

  2. stir-fry

    stir-fry TRIBE Member

    Winner: Romance
    She lay next to him that night, regretting sleeping with another while they were broken up, knowing she had done nothing wrong but feeling vaguely unclean, like freshly washed, once-folded laundry that has been shoved off the bed onto the floor and slept on by the dog.
    J. J. McClanahan
    Tyrone, GA

  3. janiecakes

    janiecakes TRIBE Member

  4. stir-fry

    stir-fry TRIBE Member


    Winner: Science Fiction
    Colonel Cleatus Yorbville had been one seriously bored astronaut for the first few months of his diplomatic mission on the third planet of the Frangelicus XIV system, but all that had changed on the day he'd discovered that his tiny, multipedal and infinitely hospitable alien hosts were not only edible but tasted remarkably like that stuff that's left on the pan after you've made cinnamon buns and burned them a little.
    Mark Silcox
    Auburn AL 36830

  5. haha
  6. janiecakes

    janiecakes TRIBE Member


    Mac was the crustiest ex-LAPD homicide detective with three ex-wives, two mortgages, a greedy daughter wasting time at college, a gay son playing acid-blues punk in some Sacramento dive, and a liver that had been bitch slapped by cheap vodka so many times it looked like a bag of yellow fat, who ever walked into my floral and gift shop.

    a bag of yellow fat!
  7. The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head with a bad sunburn but then again it might just have been that Lisa was always cranky this early in the morning.
    Debra Allen
    Wichita Falls, TX

    These are brilliant.
  8. stir-fry

    stir-fry TRIBE Member

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