Booyakasha!
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/dynam...?in_review_id=520077&in_review_text_id=493707
This city's in a terrible state. The Tubes don't work, the
hospitals are full, the streets are riddled with guns and the Police don't know whether to stop, search or skin up. But there is hope for us long-suffering Londoners.
Following his meteoric rise to fame via The 11 O'Clock Show, we asked Ali G, the Westside homie from Staines whose first
feature film Ali G Indahouse opens this week, to give us his
ten-point plan for a better London...
DRUGS
Any one who no London know dat dere iz a massive drug
problem dat affecks nuff of de yoot. It iz almost impossible
to get hold of good kwality skunk at reasonable prices.
But a short trip out to Barkshire and de borough of
Spelthorne (take de Tube to Uxbridge and den de 78 bus
to Egham) and I will meet u outside de KFC next to de
Baker's Oven wiv de solushun (£12 for an 1/8th).
NHS
Everyone know dat da National Healf Servis or de BHS
az it iz nown iz in a terrible mess at da moment. Me heard
recently dat 10% of nurses works part time az lap dancaz
- dis figure iz far too low - da policy of hemployin mingaz
haz got 2 stop. Da last fing u need if u iz sick and in
hospital iz some fat woman wiv a beard rubbin your ballz
wiv a sponge innit?
It aint no wonder dat waitin lists iz so low and ospitalz iz
closin coz no one wants 2 go to dem. 2 sort it all out me
wood have public galleriez in ospitalz and raise money by
sellin tickets to watch hoperations. Personly, me wood
pay at least 15 squid 4 a good seat in da maternity ward.
Plus for an extra 20 squidz u shood be able to have a go
at breastfeedin. Plus me would encourage henterprise.
Skoolz haz tuck shops - why not have dem in ospitalz to
sell off all da drugz dat aint needed?
PROSTITUTION
Dere ain't no denyin dat prostitution causez a lot of misery
2 a lot of lives - if it says 'genuine photo' on a card it
should mean it. It iz devastatin for a man to turn up to
discover dat a suppozed honey who iz ment 2 have 44dd
babylonz iz a 20 stone granny wiv no teef. Also why cant
we give slagz some dignity and respeck, like dey do in de
country of Amsterdam by stickin dem in shop windowz in
dere nicks. If prossies teamed up wiv Marx & Spencerz
dis might give both dere bizinesses a welcome boost innit.
TRANSPORT
De tubes aint just sumfin dat me Julie has trouble wiv once
a mumf, it iz also a type of train dat iz rubbish and dont
work. People iz alwayz bangin on about how slow it iz but
dat aint no surprize if it go under de ground where dere iz
loads of mud in de way. It dont take a geenius to realize
dat if dey put it above de ground it wood go much faster
wivout having to dig thru all dat cack all de time.
Plus when u iz hactually on de tube dere aint nuffin to keep
u entertained, unless it iz well crowded and you can rub
your beast up against fit honeyz wivout dem realizin. Dat iz
why dey should pump some tunez into de carrige dat
everyone could appreciate, like some jungle or speed
garage. Wiv dat in mind me iz alwayz well foughtful and
turn me walkman up to de max so dat de rest of de
passengaz can also enjoy Jungle Madness Sounds Of De
Underground 3.
To me it also seem well stoopid dat u haz to wait for de
tube for so long, when u get it it dont take u hexactly
where u wanna go plus u haz to share it wiv loadza
strangaz. Dat iz why me haz come up wiv de solushun of
givin everyone dere own personal tube. It would be about
de size of a car, carry only four or five people it wood uze
de existin road network and you could drive it hexactly to
wear u wanted 2 go. Dis way u could hencourage peeple
not to take dere cars everywhere.
THE POLICE
Many peeple critisize de flange, de fuzzy muff, de babylon
headz for bein rubbish, nevver solvin any crimez, lookin
like bell endz, walkin funny, wearin rubbish cloves, nevver
catchin any criminalz, and generally not givin a toss about
crime, but me personally iz well happy dat we have de
most rubbishest police in de world. Me fink de hole idea
of police iz racialist. U should let criminalz do dere
business, it iz dere job innit. Dey dont arrest teechers for
doin dere jobz, well apart from Mr Solanki, but him made
us play crab football in de nude. By arrestin dem u iz
makin gangstaz feel like criminalz.
Dis iz one area where me hagree wiv Dr Livingstone -
dere aint nuf vizible policin. Me wood hactually go a lot
furver dan him and have every single coppa out of carz
and walkin de street wearin bright Day-glo uniformz. Dis
wood mean u cood see dem a mile off. How many
perfectly commitable crimez haz been ruined right at de
last minit coz someone u thought woz just a geeza dressed
as a bell end iz hactually a member of de fuzzy muff? Plus
de sirenz dey use is well out of date, dere hole vibe iz very
techno, dey shood change dem to sumfin more
drum'n'bass, dat way dey wood get more respeck from de
criminalz when dey come to arrest dem.
HOUSING
Da lack of ousin in London iz a scandle, but even worse iz
da fact dat no one, cept 4 me, iz seen da hobvious
solution. Dere iz a hole borough, full of ouses, dat no one
hactually lives in. I iz, of course, talkin about Walford. Da
omeless wood be only 2 glad to share a house wiv a
Eastenda (apart from da froot seller wiv da aidz,
hobviously).
EDUCATION
Politicianz iz alwayz bangin on about reducin class sizes,
but dem never do it - me definitely wood. By allowin kidz
to bunk off, me reckon i could get dem down to az low az
0. Me would also teach fingz dat elps kidz get a job, like
how 2 fill in a dole form properly.
GUNS
Any bell end can see de sitchooashun wiv guns iz gettin
well out of hand. Now, not a day pass in Langley village
wivout de sound of gunshots ringing out. Sure dere is a
clay pigeon shooting school dere, but de point is true.
Only last week in a chilling echo of de murder of
Notorious B.I.G, me own guinea pig, Biggie, was gunned
down by me mate Dave wiv an air pistol. He woz aimin at
me neighbour's cat but woz a bit mashed, so now Biggie iz
joinin Tupac in dat big South Central in de sky. Me
dedicate de film to him, he will be missed.
PEDESTRIANISATION
Pedestrianz iz hobviously a problem at da moment, but da
last fing people should do iz become hysterical and start
attackin dem. Dat iz when mistakes appen, like when dem
idiotz attacked dat kiddy doctor in Portsmuff about a year
ago.
CYCLISTS
Many peeple fink dat cyclez iz just for gaylordz, but dat
aint true. Cyclin iz one of de most economical wayz of
travellin round. It iz very inhexpensive to pick up a new
bike - all u need is a good pair of bolt cutterz or a half an
hour to work out de combination on a padlock. Most
lockz iz only got four numberz so dere iz only eight
possible combinashuns dat it cood be. Dr Livingstone haz
also promised to hinclude more cycle lanez in London
which iz a hexcellent policy coz dey iz well convenient
places to park your car if u iz in a hurry.
