AIDS-losing a friend

[Nicorory]

Yesterday I received a phonecall, in the midst of my exam period, that my friend D. had died of AIDS-related cancer.
Even though it was something I knew would eventually happen, I was still in shock when I received the news. I guess in a way I should be glad his suffering came to an end, but the selfish part of me wants him for one more day, so that I can see him and talk to him, for my own conscience.
I didn't go to the hospital to visit him this time, I figured it would be just like the other times, that he'd be out, and we'd be smoking a joint and laughing at people on the porch of my friend's apartment. But this time was different. And I didn't even go to see him.
The worst part is I have an exam during his funeral on Monday. I'm gonna go see the registrar and ask if there is any way to change it. But he's not family in the genetic aspect of the word. And I'm sure a speil about chosen family would fall on deaf ears.
All this after my last post about how a guy started telling me gay ppl were going to hell. Seems like drama has a way of happening all at one. My dad's reaction was completely insensitive, he made some comment about "If you sleep with older gay guys, they all have AIDS...". Aaaargh.
Has anyone dealt with something like this before? My close friends are all depleted emotionally, and maybe someone who has experienced this might have a clearer head and be able to offer advice.
Please protect yourselves everbody, it just isn't worth it not to.
Depleted, Depressed and writing an exam in 5hrs,
Rory

 

[BigBadBaldy]

I had two close friends of mine die from AIDS related illnesses in the early 90s. It is horrible watching lovely people deteriorate from illness when you know there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

I'm sorry for your loss. The pain will lessen. The good memories will stay.

BBB.

The loss, unfortunately, will always be there.

 

[Guest]

sorry for your loss.

while I haven't had any friends die of aids I have had friends die suddenly from everything from being murdered to car accidents.

over time, you'll start to feel better about it, but right now it's okay to mourn.

 

[OTIS]

I had a friend die about a year ago from aids..
it was like he was perfectly fine one day and the next he was gone..

It was tough, especially his memorial party when i met the people closest to him..

 

[Rosey]

RIP
i'm sorry about your loss.

 

[janiecakes]

i'm very sorry for your loss nicorory.

i would say at least try to get the registrar let you change your exam, it's worth a try.

i remember having to make a big stink to be allowed to take a day off work to attend a funeral of someone who died of the same thing. it sucks, it totally makes it harder on you.

hang in there.

 

[roo]

heart transplants aren't that hard to get. just say you know all about everything.

and if you need new bones, cornea, teeth and skin and blood, get plastic surgery to look perverted and go to r e m a x.

 

[Sassy]

Firstly I am truly sorry for your loss. One of my old friends was diagnosed with HIV last year, both him and his boyfriend. To be honest I wasn't surprised by this news, he had led a very permiscuous life and I was always really concerned about his safety. Never the less I was incredibly sad and depressed when he told me. From that day I vowed to spend as much quality time with him as I could. Unfortunately he lives in Montreal and I haven't seen him in a long time, the phone calls are becoming more dispersed and after reading your post I want and need to change this. I am sorry you never got to say good bye to your friend but I am sure you gave him as much support as you could and I am even more positive that your friend valued your friendship more than you think.

I don't think there is formulaic way of dealing with a loss of this kind, I think you need to forigve yourself for not seeing him before he died, its not something you did maliciously we all seem to live really hectic lives these days and time as you know first hand really is a precious thing. Ignore the ignorant comments your dad said, some people just don't understand or don't want too. I hope you feel better - thanks for starting this thread I am going to call my friend tonight and plan a visit to Montreal very soon.

 

[noisy]

Nicoroy, I am so sorry for your loss.

I have been fortunate enough never to have lost a friend to AIDS, but several years ago someone close to me took his own life after learning that someone very close to him was HIV positive. So, while I don't totally understand what you're going through right now, I have some experience with the multifacted impact of this horrible disease.

The best advice I can think of is to ignore all advice and do what you think is best. Each person's experience of grief is unique, and we frequently have different methods of dealing with it. Try not to get down on yourself, especially regarding not visiting your friend in the hospital. There was no way you could have known. You did the best that you could. You were a friend to him throughout his life and your concern over this indicates to me that you continue to be one. That is a precious gift. I would treasure it and take pride in it.

I don't think I can say anything else aside from sharing my own experiences. Losing someone close to you is painful. It is natural to be sad, and to be sad for a long time. When faced with the enormity and permanence of death the tiny trials and joys of daily life seem insignificant. It is difficult to press on. I find it helpful to think about a few things. I remember and cherish the times that I shared with that person, and am thankful that our paths crossed, if but for a brief time. Also, I think about how, while this person I love has died, many others live and are born. If there is death there must also be life, for they are two sides of the same coin. I try to remember this and affirm life. We cannot beat death and in trying times it sometimes seems like a single individual is as insignificant and powerless as a grain of sand in the grand scheme of the universe. During times like this I like to think about how people sometimes say that a single butterfly flapping its wings can affect weather across the globe. I think of the person I lost as the butterfly, and of myself as the wind the carries his or her message to the world. This person close to me taught me about life and love and brought a little bit of goodness into this world. As he impacted me I will impact others. I find this heartening to think about. I also try to remember that suffering is a part of life, and something to be learned from. We emerge from these experiences a little bit stronger and are able to better weather future suffering and offer a shoulder to lean on for those around us during their times of grief. And thus we all continue together; we will never eradicate pain but we can grasp it, experience it, validate those feelings, and then turn them into something that can be used for good. After I think about these things I find that I believe that there is a reason we are all here and also a reason why we die, and I have hope. Just as life and death are two sides of the same coin so is suffering and joy, and while right now is very hard, the balance will eventually return.

That may sound cheesy, but it's what I find comforting.

 

[mingster]

Originally posted by roo
heart transplants aren't that hard to get. just say you know all about everything.

and if you need new bones, cornea, teeth and skin and blood, get plastic surgery to look perverted and go to r e m a x.

I'm sorry, but what the hell are you talking about?

Maybe I don't understand your "sense of humour" or your methods of comfort, or basically anything about this post. But it's not only confusing, it also seems insensitive. Which I never thought you were. Maybe you know Nicorory personally, in which case...whoosh on me. Otherwise, I find this kinda innappropriate. Maybe I just don't get it.

Ming.