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African Downsview Lion Subway Safari

Discussion in 'TRIBE Main Forum' started by nawberry, May 7, 2006.

  1. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    It has been a while since I posted a thread, so here is a long one for y'all, but don't get your hopes up, its no baloney thread:

    "An urban utopia can be achieved"
    -Jane Jacobs

    "It would be nice if you had gotten ketchup"

    "Either I am stupid, or people fuckin love zoos!"

    "Riding the newly-expanded subway, on my way to work, what is that I see out the window? What the fuck,its a freakin' lion!"
    -A dramatization of what a typical TTC subway rider might say when first exposed to the AFRICAN LION DOWNSVIEW SUBWAY SAFARI experience.

    "Keep that Thread Alive!"
    -Nathan Barato


    The birth of the subway safari concept.​

    The world's first zoo was opened in Vienna in late 1725.

    The predecessor of the zoo, known as a "menagerie" which I think means threesome, has a long history dating back to the middle ages.

    Early menageries housed dinosaurs, unicorns, Neanderthals, yeti, and dodo birds. They did not have monorails, nor informative information kiosks, leaving menagerie goers both confused and with sore feet.

    Luckily times have changed, and nowadays zoos tend to house apes, delicious pygmy goats, polar bears and lions.

    Did you know that the canned pasta product Zoodles is actually an amalgam of the words "Zoo" and "Noodle"?

    Its true!
    The animal shaped pasta are an homage to the great institution known as a zoo, which was first made in San Diego, home of Tony Gwynn (83 Topps Rookie), but I digress.

    I will let you in on the secret of the origin of the name "Alphaghetti" in a future thread. (hint- think amalgam)

    I can't for the life of me figure out where they got the name ScariOs, but I think it is no fluke that those letters can make the word scoria, which we all know is a type of igneous rock. Does the tomato sauce represent the magma? that seems too obvious..

    Fuck, I keep digressing. Focus Nawberry!

    Okay back to zoos...

    There are presently two zoos in Ontario, the Orono Jungle Cat World which attracts nearly 75 visitors a year, and boasts the largest captive gibbon population in the greater Clarington area, and the Toronto Zoo, which has carp that you can feed, 8 gift shops, and is on the exclusive once-a-decade panda circuit.

    Big or small zoos kick ass!

    There is even a triber named zoo. I don't think he likes me.

    But what is not to love about getting the chance to pay a zoo keeper to gawk at confined exotic home-sick animals that were captured in their habitats far away and were subsequently shipped to a place that is highly convenient for us to visit?

    And if anyone knows of anything out there that is more fun than riding a zoo monorail facing backwards at sunset, then I would like to know what it is, because I certainly haven't found it!

    And where else but at a zoo is it possible to taunt a gorilla, deworm a wolf, feed french fries to a penguin, and hear the majestic honk of a trumpeter swan, all in the same day?

    ...I guess you likely could do all that for free at a Las Vegas Casino, and of course you could easily do all that at one of Toronto's many Russian Mob controlled Black-Market exotic pet stores found in the back of Beaver gas bars (which are good value, and the elephants are guaranteed to last three weeks or they are free).

    On the flip side of the zoo coin, and as much as people fuckin love zoos, they equally loathe useless urban national parks. And at the top of everyone's "Parks I Hate" list is almost assuredly Downsview Park, North America's largest and crappiest urban park.

    Downsview Park is almost completely bereft of wildlife and doesn't even have squirrels, is contaminated with oil and airplane fuel, and only has two species of trees, one of which is ravaged by the horned beetle.

    On the flip side of the urban national park coin, is the TTC subway aka the Red Rocket aka the silver eel aka the Finch steamer.

    The TTC subway consistently ranks in the top-five of Torontonians most-favoured form of mass transportation (monorail is #1).

    And as many of you likely know, the TTC is near completion of a massive extension of the Yonge-University-Spadina line from Downsview station. This new line will run above-ground through Downsview Park, then submerges as it moves up to York University, whereupon it hangs a left at the Beatrice Ice Gardens, through to Steeles Avenue past the Tim Horton's, and up to Vaughan Corporate Centre (York Region's business mecca), and finally to its terminal station inside the mountain at Canada's Wonderland-"Thunder Run Station".

    To date, the government has raised a measly $670 million for the subway extension, which after the requisite $30 million in pay-offs to Alfonso Galiano to help fund his SUBACTION programme which aims to increase TTC awareness in the oft-forgotten North-Eastern Quebec/Labrador region, leaves us with $640 million.

    The estimated cost of construction is $2.1 billion. So we are barely halfway there.

    So tribers..... I bet you are asking yourselves- What the hell do zoos, subways and urban parks have to do with one another?

    I also bet many of you are sitting in your ivory towers right now wondering if I have gone nuts. Well tribers rest assured, neither nawberry nor I are nuts.

    And as you will see, the remainder of this thread is a testament to just how not nuts I am.

    I mean...would someone that is nuts be capable of single-handedly coming up with a plan that will both pay for the entire construction costs of subway expansion tenfold while simultaneously bringing a long-overdue new batch of lions into the city?... I don't think so!

    In fact, my plan is so good, nay great, that I bet it will be the plan that will finally get me unbanned from Queen's Park, and may also help to patch things up between and me and (the unforgiving and litigious) Mayor David Miller.

    For you see, my plan, which is now our plan, is to take a page from the African Lion Safari book (not literally), but alter their driving through a barren farmland in a car formula,and instead build an lion-filled safariscape in and around the newly laid subway tracks.

    Imagine seeing a lion out of your subway window on your commute to work, it is now only a few years away.

    It just makes sense to transform the Downsview Park portion of the subway line, into the world's first cageless subway-through zoo safari.

    Imagine how many extra fares will be raised by curious lion observers and/or hunters. And then when the lions die we can sell their pelts to furriers and use the meat for sauce (extra revenue streams).

    The safari shall be called AFRICAN LION DOWNSVIEW SUBWAY SAFARI, or perhaps we should follow the zoodles lead and opt for anamalgam, perhaps "Aronisubri". Whichever the public prefers.

    I have even been wearing a lion costume 24/7 to increase the awareness of lions in Toronto. You should see the look on peoples faces when I roar and scratch at them. I even stopped bathing so I smell like a real lion!

    For the kuba types, who like hard numbers, here are the monetary figures, which speak for themselves:

    Estimated construction costs for the Downsview-Thunder Run Expansion: $2 billion
    Annual attendance at the Toronto Zoo: 1.2 million

    World's lion population: 21,000

    TTC Subway Cash Fare: $2.75

    Total- $2.75 x 1.2 million x 21,000= $69,300,000,000- which is well above the $2 billion needed for construction costs.

    So there you go, and if you don't think this is the best idea ever then you must be lion!

    This is the type of view one will get from their subway seat:

  2. Thumpr

    Thumpr TRIBE Member

    yea, um this sort of idea went terribly wrong in JURASSIC PARK...

    flawed logic


    see me after class.
  3. The Tesseract

    The Tesseract TRIBE Member

    San Diego was not the site for the first Zoo.

    Fact: 17th Century Zoo's were the blue-print for the modern shopping centre.
  4. Cheap Ego

    Cheap Ego TRIBE Member

    Underwater marine life on display, I can see as feasable.

    But lions?? you are nuts.
  5. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    Flawed logic?

    The Jurassic Park movie franchise made enough money to construct 10 subway extensions, and number 4 is due out in 2008.

    If these lions make 1/20th of the money those jurassic park dinosaurs made, then we are laughing.

    And the added beauty of the lions is that, unlike dinosaurs, lion's are not evolved enough mentally to fully appreciate complex financial matters, and thusly will not demand their fair portion of the profit. Stupid lions!
  6. terrawrist III

    terrawrist III TRIBE Member

    lions are played...they just sit there and occasionally yawn
  7. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    Wow, San Diego wasn't even born in 17th century. Colour me embarrassed.

    I guess even nawberry can state a false fact from time to time. And even America's most trusted publication, the New York Times, averages approx. 100errors per paper.
  8. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    A new wing called Manatee Cove is already in my sites for summer 2009 , it will be the largest freshwater thing for sea cows in the world, and I hope to toss a couple of baboons in there too because I am curious to see how the tempermental but land-dwelling baboons will react to being tossed in a subway-side freshwater tank full of the passive water-loving manatees.
  9. Cheap Ego

    Cheap Ego TRIBE Member

    I think the traiditional concept of zoos has been played out long ago. If we want to make animals interesting again, we have to display them outside of their natural element.

    So I like this idea of baboons in water, although I wouldn't know what to calll them, as the term "sea monkeys" has already been bastardized. But what about:

    * Sharks in a desert-like climate

    * Crocodiles in an arctic setting

    * Giraffes in exotic sports cars

    Wouldn't know what the hell to do with the snakes though..
  10. Thumpr

    Thumpr TRIBE Member

    i think it would be best and most cost effective just to have each subway station named after an upcoming Disney straight-to-DVD release.

    think about it- instead of looking at lions on the TTC you could be awash in a theme promoting The Lion King 1½.

    it would be informative, colourful, and most importantly 100% safe to the TTC ridership.
  11. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

  12. Gizmo

    Gizmo TRIBE Member

    I really like the idea. In terms of another revenue stream:

    How about having a special end of the day train, which where the final stop would still be in the park. For the slightly higher $5.00 fee, subway riders would disembark in the park and try to make their way to the nearest exit 100 feet away. At the same time, a herd of Wildebeest would be made to stampede through, either through the use of taped lion roars, or actually a lion itself.

    It would be Toronto's answer to Pamplona's Running of the Bulls....except we would call it the Running of the Gnu and print t-shirts saying "Gnu Don't Know What You're Missing"
  13. AshG

    AshG Member

  14. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    The lions would be thinking the exact same thing about the subway passengers, you have to catch them when they are not working.

    They won't just sit there when the scorpions are released, unless they get bitten, but until that time those lions will be in constant motion. And scorpions are a natural product so it is an environmentally responsible approach to making lions more entertaining.

    I also think that with the training, and the right props and accurate costumes, meerkats could be utilized to re-enact the 1917 Halifax explosion and the subsequent, and corolllary, rise in prominence of the City of Dartmouth.

    The African Downsview Lion Subway Safari bar will be called the "Electrocuted Meerkat", both becuase it is a fun and whimsical name, and also to honour those meerkats that venture to the third rail.

    What would happen if an electric eel touched the third rail? or a koala?
  15. Thumpr

    Thumpr TRIBE Member

    so...that venue now makes housecalls eh?

  16. Bumbaclat

    Bumbaclat TRIBE Member

    get in there with them. mix it up.
  17. [SQUARE]

    [SQUARE] TRIBE Member

    Its is nice......I like
  18. LivingRoomPornstar

    LivingRoomPornstar TRIBE Member


    I have a thought! Everyone likes the lottery right? Why not have a robotic crane fitted with large pincers(much like the universally loved game where you try to pick up a stuffed sheep inside a glass enclosure found in the more upscale bowling alleys) randomly select two lucky commuters to play with the lions for the day? To make it more exciting, you could have an atm machine inside the enclosure spit out random amounts of cash over the day. You could have t-shirts that read "I Walked with the Lion(s) for Johnny Cash".
  19. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    I say bring the lions to the commuters, by every now and then letting them ride in the subway cars to "meet and greet" with their fans.
    Last edited: May 8, 2006
  20. Flashy_McFlash

    Flashy_McFlash Well-Known TRIBEr

    I am so steamed that the TTC is far more likely to greenlight this plan than my idea to convert the entire Spadina/University line into a suspended open-air ride, not unlike the Top Gun ride at Wonderland.
  21. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member

    Couldn't they do both. People that are scared of lions would opt for the open air ride, people scared of heights would "go safari". Those scared of both would likely take the Keele bus, which surely would become known as the "cowardice wagon".

    You wouldn't believe it but the TTC is acting as if they are not interested in my idea. Bureaucracy at its worst.

    I must ask you Flashy, wouldn't a TTC open air ride make more sense along Eglinton West and then up Tretheway?
  22. AgentSanchez

    AgentSanchez TRIBE Promoter

    Who says 'lions' and 'open-air' are mutually exclusive?
  23. Flashy_McFlash

    Flashy_McFlash Well-Known TRIBEr

    You might be right. I don't frequent that area too often, so unleashing dozens and dozens of hungry lions out there would be an amazing idea.

    I think, Nawberry, that rather than fighting each other to push through our proposals (as I have been doing all along, unbeknownst to you), we should perhaps join forces to deliver this edge-of-your-seat thrill ride (with lions!) to the City.
  24. sugar

    sugar TRIBE Member

    Af-ri-can LiON sa-FAR-eeeeeeeeeeee!
  25. nawberry

    nawberry TRIBE Member


    And rest-assured that should the TTC continue with their foot-dragging, I will not hesitate to get my hands dirty. Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time I tussled with a quasi-governmental entity, or for that matter, it also would not be the first time that me and the employees of a quasi-governmental entity used our fists to make our points.

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