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A letter to the bank

Caz

TRIBE Member
Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:

1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Yours Truly
 

Kazoo

TRIBE Member
Oh, they are going to dump you as a customer!

Seriously, it would be cool if they make some concessions to you b/c of the letter. Though I doubt it. Good luck.
 

Klubmasta Will

TRIBE Member
the letter containing the cheque would have to be addressed to the bank so, legally, any employee of the bank could open it. you could specify that the letter be to the attention of a particular individual, but there is no legal requirement for that particular individual to actually open the letter.

if you did not address the letter to the bank, then the bank could claim non-payment of your mortgage and then foreclose on your broke ass.
 
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quantumize

TRIBE Member
i have nothing bad to say about my bank, my banker is awsome, every time i go see him i bring him a tea with one milk and three sugars

i would suggest to everybody to get a banker its so much better than dealing with a different teller each time or always using the ATM's
 

swenard

TRIBE Member
quantumize said:
i have nothing bad to say about my bank, my banker is awsome, every time i go see him i bring him a tea with one milk and three sugars

i would suggest to everybody to get a banker its so much better than dealing with a different teller each time or always using the ATM's

I agree! Ever since I started dealing with a personal banker I have had no problems. She will call me all of the time and suggest moving funds from one place to another so I can save money or prevent a cheque from bouncing. SHe is a very nice lady and will even come to my house on Saturdays to sign papers, even though she only works Mon. to Fri.
 

solacevip

TRIBE Promoter
Nothing says "you fucked with the wrong person after bouncing my cheque" like a warm uzi while in a bank.

Stand on the teller counter to emphasize the point. :cool:
 
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Caz

TRIBE Member
"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE"

lol yeah it was an email I got this morning, I thought it was cute
 

Aerius Zension

TRIBE Member
swenard said:
I agree! Ever since I started dealing with a personal banker I have had no problems. She will call me all of the time and suggest moving funds from one place to another so I can save money or prevent a cheque from bouncing. SHe is a very nice lady and will even come to my house on Saturdays to sign papers, even though she only works Mon. to Fri.
I agree with everything up to the coming to your house part. Our private credit union does likewise. Those crazy russians bank on it.
 
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