Burning Man Cancelled

[DaPhatConductor]

No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival

August 27, 2003 | Issue 39•33

GERLACH, NV—The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert annually, is in danger of cancellation this week because "no one had their shit together enough to even make it," organizers said Tuesday.




The empty Burning Man festival grounds.


"Jesus Christ, this is pathetic," said event coordinator Ethan Moon as he angrily gestured toward the empty Black Rock Desert basin expanse, known as the playa. "We've been promoting this thing all year. You can't start panhandling quarters for gas the week before the festival and expect to make it here in time, man."

Moon listed some of the most common no-show excuses, among them oversleeping, forgetting to request time off work, faulty van-borrowing arrangements, a shortage of ochre body-paint, and the last-minute realization that transportation to the Burning Man festival requires money.

"As of a few weeks ago, or even a few days ago, there were 30,000 people who honestly planned on coming," Moon said. "In every case, however, there were, well, you know—shit happened."

Although Burning Man festivals have had no-shows in the past, Moon said he's never witnessed absenteeism on this level.

"You have to figure out a way to get here, stock up on water and extra clothing for the cold nights, and make sure you have adequate shelter," Moon said. "Apparently, the advance planning it takes to arrange those three basic things was more than anyone could handle. Sorry to be on this uptight trip, but check out the playa. Not a single nude dude in a homemade papier-mâché tribal mask as far as the eye can see."

Although Burning Man is billed on its web site as a "temporary community dedicated to radical self-expression and radical self-reliance," it became evident that the no-shows were more capable of the former than they were of the latter.

Los Angeles silkscreen artist Goldi Trewartha was among the tens of thousands of Burning Man devotees who stayed home this year.

"Yeah, I was supposed to go with Ari and Shel, but they couldn't score [Ecstasy] in time for the trip, and I forgot my bartering beads at my friend Marnie's place in Los Feliz," Trewartha said. "Oh, and I forgot to get a dog sitter."

Added Trewartha: "Shel made this great suit out of old stuffed-monkey pelts and duct tape, and he was going to hop up and down on this old trampoline he found. But his ex, Nikki, made him babysit [their daughter] Gaia while she headed out to Big Sur for a few days. I love Nikki, but sometimes she can be real flaky."

Chaz Bullard, a University of Vermont undergraduate and veteran mud person, had multiple excuses for his failure to attend the Burning Man festival.

"I totally spaced that August is 8, and I wrote down 9 in my sketchbook," Bullard said. "Oh, and I got evicted. Yeah, fuckin' Dyl up and ditches me, right, and I'm stuck owing $700, because he wasn't on the lease."

Bullard added that he contracted hepatitis from his ex-roommate's tacos.




Boulder resident Paul Sandley, who was halfway to Burning Man when his truck "totally konked."


Moon said he has received apologetic phone calls from a squadron of recumbent bicyclists lost somewhere in southern Nebraska, a Kentucky artist whose pet python was too carsick to continue the journey, and a group of Germans who uncovered a fatal structural flaw in their "Freak Harnesses" art installation at the last minute.

Hippies were not the only counterculture group to miss the Burning Man festival. Portland-area Linux user and self-described cyber-conceptualist "Free" Lance Kaegle explained his absence in an instant message from his studio.

"I was organizing this boss techno-art project called 'Off The Grid,'" Kaegle wrote. "We were going to set up computer terminals in various parts of the playa and have people use them. Then we'd feed the binary data from those terminals into this fractals program that [Silver Lake, CA software designer] Ricky [Thomas-Slater] wrote. Those fractals would be sent, on the fly, to a group of exiled Buddhist monks I befriended online. The monks would transform the fractals into a temporal sand painting, the making of which we would webcast live to everyone on the playa."

Added Kaegle: "But I had to stop working on the monk thing to finish up this Pam's Country Crafts web site I'm working on. I really need the money."

While most absences were accidental, a few were not. Doug "Crazyroot" Pycroft, a former smoothie-stand employee, has a history of missing countercultural events.

"I thought about going, but then I decided I don't need some dudes pushing their rules down my throat," Pycroft said. "That's the problem with these things. If they're so nonconformist, how come you gotta obey some fascist wearing a lanyard just to use the Port-A-John? Same reason I refused to go to [The Church Of The Subgenius'] X-Day back in '98. Hell, I ditched the very first Lollapalooza one hour in."

As a cloud of sand whipped across the desolate playa, Moon could only shake his head. Although the weeklong festival traditionally culminates in the igniting of the Burning Man, a 50-foot-tall wooden structure strapped with fireworks and other incendiaries, Moon wondered aloud whether he and the handful of other staffers should even bother.

"I guess we could burn what we've built, but it would just feel anticlimactic with no one around to watch," Moon said. "You gotta look at the bigger picture here, folks. You shouldn't think of Burning Man as a burden. Burning Man is about being part of a community. Unfortunately, it's a community of people who can't get up before 1 p.m."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29344

[acheron]

lol

[guysmiley]

I actually thought this was legit until about the third paragraph...

[Dirty Girl]

lol.
love their names.

[ila]

After the the "no one had their shit together" quote, I scrolled to the bottom to see the onion link.

Onion - so good.

[unique2100]

Lame

[mr tall]

just burn it all

[Sal De Ban]

priceless: "This year's superstar headliners Orbital were equally confused and disappointed, as this was to be their first burning man experience"

[Persephone]

could tell this was a fake right away, but I'm a little disappointed that it wasn't real - the outcry would've been something to observe!

[praktik]

^^ indeed.

The hippies would have put on quite an internet show for us.

Dammit.

[glych t.anomaly]

HAHAHAHAHAHA awesome


laughed so hard


<3 onion news.


[jai]

[SneakyPete]

I hope DWIC is ok.

[Hi i'm God]

Reading that stoned. WHOA

[swenard]

The date is also 2003, if no one has noticed.

[mr tall]

anyone want to join me next year ? We're building magical taser land

[Spinsah]

I'm getting my wizard costume prepped now.

[Colm]

ahahahahaha

<3 The Onion

[daddyiwantchocolate]

Holy shit, I was really worried there for a minute.

[that 420 guy]

Local Teen 'Definitely' Going To Burning Man Next Year

September 9, 1998

LONGMONT, CO–Addressing a group of fellow Carver High School students assembled in the school's commons area, 17-year-old Todd Kelso announced Monday that he is "definitely" going to Burning Man next year.

Todd Kelso says there is "no chance" he will miss next year's Burning Man, a week-long gathering in the Nevada desert capped off by the burning of a giant human-figure sculpture (inset).

"There's no way I'm gonna miss Burning Man next year," Kelso said of the annual week-long gathering in Nevada's Black Rock Desert, held Aug. 31-Sept. 7 this year. "It's the coolest fuckin' thing ever, man–I heard from this guy that all these naked chicks dance around in silver body paint, and there's this 50-foot floating couch that has lasers coming out of it. It's like this whole alternative community."

Kelso, who was unable to attend this year's event due to transportation problems, first learned of Burning Man in September 1997, when MTV News anchor Kurt Loder delivered a live, on-location report from the festival. Ever since seeing the MTV segment, Kelso has been committed to attending the festival.

"All these really cool people drive out to the middle of the desert to smoke weed and set this big huge statue on fire," Kelso said. "But it's not about acting all crazy. It's about getting in touch with your primal roots. It's about creating this whole other way of living in this alternate community. Plus, supposedly, there's a fire-breathing car that looks like a shark."

Added Kelso: "It's gonna be so awesome."

Already preparing for next year's event, Kelso said he is setting aside $5 from each paycheck from his bagboy job at Pic-N-Sav for the $100 Burning Man admission fee. He is earmarking an additional $5 from each paycheck for much-needed repairs for his 1982 Chevy Chevette.

Kelso has also begun giving serious consideration to his choice of costume. "I was thinking about going in some kinda crazy outfit with Christmas lights," he said, "or maybe something with big metal spikes like in The Road Warrior."

Added Kelso: "I think I'm going to cover my whole car in aluminum foil."

Kelso, who said he expects next year's Burning Man to be "twice as insane" as this year's, has already invited his best friend, Carver High School junior Matt Fleischer, to come along. t

"I don't know too much about it, but I'm up for anything," said Fleischer, who has already agreed to pitch in half the gas money. "From what Todd says, it sounds seriously out of control."

According to Kelso, Fleischer is the only Carver High student he could ask to accompany him to Burning Man.

"Anyone else at this school would totally freak over a scene like that," Kelso said. "But me and Matt are mature enough to handle it. Plus, the girls at Burning Man are supposed to be way more sexually liberated than the ones at Carver. The chicks here suck."

"Burning Man is going to be mind-blowing. And I'll be 18 next summer, so I won't have to answer to anyone," said Kelso, heading to his fifth-period algebra class. "I missed out big-time this year, but there's no way I'm going to make the same mistake next year. No fucking way."

[AshG]

Kelso!

[sianspherica]

"Bullard added that he contracted hepatitis from his ex-roommate's tacos."

loooool

[SubMissioN]

I share my burning man wallpaper