Discussion in 'TRIBE Main Forum' started by Magnolia Fan, Jan 13, 2002.

  1. PosTMOd

    PosTMOd Well-Known Member


    If you can't communicate to your partner, and proactively do something about whatever is bugging you, then perhaps you should be questioning yourself: Why am I in a relationship? Why do I want to cheat?

    How do people jump from there being some sort of problem... to fucking someone else? Aren't there like a thousand steps in between that should have been taken?
  2. AdamAnt

    AdamAnt TRIBE Member

    What if you're REALLY hungry?

    "Bacon that sausage boy!"
  3. Magnolia Fan

    Magnolia Fan TRIBE Member

    Its SOOOOO good to know that alot of people think about this shit in the same way as me...
  4. roo

    roo Well-Known Member

    I find that if I tell myself often enough and powerfully enough that something is right or wrong, with no rhyme or reason, I pretty much begin feeling as though it is right (or wrong) simply because I decided to fool myself into believing in it.


    thoughts can be controlled. to a disturbing degree. it just takes practice.
  5. Tonedeff

    Tonedeff TRIBE Member

    I agree with this statement one hundred percent, and I can't believe people are jumping all over this person for stating what is categorically the truth. The future hasn't been written yet, and imagining how it will be written because of the way you feel in the present doesn't necessarily make it so.

    I've never cheated (well, since high school), never been cheated on (that I know of), and certainly have no intentions of ever cheating on a everyone has said it's usually just greed and selfishness and insecurity that make people cheat.

    However, I am not so foolish or so arrogant to believe that there aren't circumstances and forces in this world stronger than my own convictions, or stronger than the convinctions of any single could happen to me, it could happen to anybody.

    People who are pathological cheaters obviously deserve our scorn and distaste, and perhaps genital mutilation; but at the same time I think that people can be suddenly and inexorably overcome by the intoxication of their emotions and desires(not just sexual), and who am I to fault them for acting on these powerful emotions?
  6. deep

    deep TRIBE Member

    I like the feeling of knowing that I haven't betrayed anyone's trust, friend or otherwise. Like a hitting streak. For me that's almost become more of a motivating factor than simply because it's the right thing to do. I don't think "the right thing to do" is something that can perpetually motivate people to do the right thing in relationships, because relationships don't have to do with right and wrong, but rather good feelings and bad feelings. People most often cheat because they're having bad feelings and they want to feel good, whether feeling good comes from the instant gratificaiton of simply being with someone who gives you something different, or because it is revenge for what your partner has done to you. In either situation I think if you're having such feelings against your partner then you shouldn't be involved with them at that point.

    I think that people cheat because they don't have the strength to be able to be honest to their present partner, or they don't want to risk losing the security of a long lasting relationship for the passion they may feel with someone new. Lack of backbone, essentially. While you cannot fully predict the gamut of stupid or good things people can do, you can get a pretty good picture of how trustworthy the character of your partner is before you get in too deep with them.

    Stay away from insecure or weak types, people who have a chip on their shoulder and always see themselves as being the victim of others without acknowledging their own shortcomings, or people who can be dishonest to others for their own benefit. All warning signs of someone who isn't worth trusting, someone who will think of themselves more than they do others. A relationship is always some balancing act between thinking about your own needs and thinking about the needs of others, but that balance point varies from person to person.
  7. noisy

    noisy TRIBE Member


    and Rosey's comment:

    really hit the nail on the head for me. I cheated a couple of times in high school in quasi-serious relationships. In all cases, the guys I was dating were abusive, cheating on me already, possessive, and generally treated me like a piece of property. I cheated because I wanted to hurt them (even though the act of cheating hurt me as well), and because I wanted to show them that they didn't own me. At that time, I had issues with men, sex, and relationships, and my love life wasn't going to get any better until I stopped projecting my problems onto the guys I was dating. I realized I needed to:
    1) Figure my own shit out. I needed to undergo some serious self-examination and determine who I was and what I wanted, and learn to love and respect the person I was become and demand the same of others.

    2) Maintain open lines of communication in my relationships so that we felt we could talk to each other about problems instead of selfishly acting out by cheating etc.

    3) Stop dating assholes.

    Happily, I have now accomplished all these things. So, I don't know what would motivate a person to cheat in a solid relationship. I've been in situations where I have met attractive people with whom I "clicked" and felt a little tug of temptation, I think everybody has. I could never act on it though, because I have too much respect for my partner. He trusts me, and I would never do anything to betray that.

    Maybe it's just some kind of character flaw. Perhaps the people who end up cheating are the same kinds of people who constantly drink way too much, g out in corners every week, walk out into oncoming traffic because they're too damn lazy to look before crossing the street and other dumb things. People who tend not to take responsibility for themselves, and who go after whatever is immediately gratifying or convenient without considering the potential consequences of their deeds before they act.

    Just a guess.
  8. janiecakes

    janiecakes TRIBE Member

    yes tonedeff.
  9. Magnolia Fan

    Magnolia Fan TRIBE Member

    yes noisy
  10. tella

    tella TRIBE Member

    eeeexactly! i had this conversation with a man i work with before and he put it quite simply. a lot of ppl view sex as just sex, and they really don't feel that they are doing anything wrong by going out and having sex with someone else since in their eyes, there are no feelings involved. now if your partner cheats on you, obviously there's a lot that you don't know about him/her and there are some obvious issues that need to be resolved.

    would i ever cheat? no. would i ever forgive a cheater? that's hard to say. i hope i never have to be in that situation tho.
  11. Guest

    Guest Guest

    There are some mighty points in this thread. What more can be said?

    There are all sorts of factors that lead people to cheat, but I think 2 stand out.

    I think posTMOd hit it on the head with the simple importance of communication in a relationship.

    When I think of my past experiences, the most successful, fun and fulfilling relationships were based around great communication. It builds trust, honesty, respect for one another.

    I think cheating also derives from a lack of respect for one's partner. I mean, there has to be some kind of resentment built up if that's your recourse.

    If a major problem can't be worked out through talking about it, it's probably time to move on.

    And again, I bow to deep's point about staying far away from those with low self-esteem. I'm reading a book right now about how those who are depressed or whatnot have the equivalent of a disease, and will infect everyone around them. It's a sad thing to say, but I stay as far away from negative people as I can. I'll do whatever it takes to get the fuck away.

    Tangentally yours...
  12. kate

    kate TRIBE Member

    Has no one here ever been overcome by physical desire while in a mediocre relationship? I'm not saying this to upset anyone, just a question, because everyone seems really straight up about not cheating in this thread, while I'm aware that cheating is a reality in many relationships.

    I think its great that so many people in this thread have never gone that route. I personally think that there are so many factors that can lead to cheating ...sometimes your relationship just isn't what you want anymore, you meet someone that seems almost irresistable...etc etc etc.

    I don't know, maybe I'm just not well versed enough in a really good relationship. Its all very confusing!
  13. mingster

    mingster TRIBE Member

    Whoa! That's harsh!

    I haven't read the book, but hopefully, it's more pliable than that. You can learn from negative people, but I digress.

    On this topic, I have to say that people are people, and they will make mistakes, this I encourage. I do not, however, think it's okay to repeat mistakes, or not to learn from them.

    I think I'm reading a lot of self-righteous stuff here. And I'm not out to defend cheating mates, but I don't think saying "I'll never cheat, it's like eating something that's bad for me", is that simple.

    People are complicated, so are relationships. Probably the most complicated thing we, as humans, will ever have to deal with. Sometimes, we don't know why we do things, and sometimes it's better to leave it alone. Other times, we should be flexible to the realities of what people do around us. It's important to remember that people do these things for a reason, however bad a reason it might be. And the lesson learned from the mistake is far better learned when it is accepted.

  14. Soundstream

    Soundstream TRIBE Member

    My thoughts exactly. Couldn't have worded it better myself.

    But one more thing to add ... I really don't buy the case where the girl cheats on you by doing stuff with another girl and saying "It's not cheating, I was just experimenting", etc. But most girls get away with this cuz most guys get excited at the idea of their girlfriend being involved in lesbian action. But to me, it's all the same ... being intimate with anyone else other than your partner when you are in a relationship is grounds for termination.

    Cheers ... Ian [​IMG]
  15. PosTMOd

    PosTMOd Well-Known Member

    Uhh... my, uh, friend wants to know if being intimate with goats or other barnyard friends is grounds for termination, because my, I mean his, girlfriend feels like it is, but I disagree...
  16. OTIS

    OTIS TRIBE Member

    I totally agree, being intimate with anyone is still being intimate.. and if you are doing this while dedicated to someone else

    I don't understand all the hooplah, if you want to fuck around with someone else, breakup with whoever your with.. it's a common respect that's too often overlooked.
    Don't turn it into a drama starring YUO, cuz then you're just an attention whore.

  17. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Well, that's why I say it's a sad thing, because I've always been one to try to help those who are emotionally low. But I've changed my tune, after making an intentional point of hanging out with happy, positive people. It makes all the difference in the world.

    To quote the book (which is quite Machiavellian - so keep that in mind):

    "Those misfortunates among us who have been brought down by circumstances beyond their control deserve all the help and sympathy we can give them. But there are others who are not born to misfortune or unhappiness, but who draw it upon themslves by their destructive actions and unsettleing effect on others. It would be a great thing if we could raise them up, change their patterns, but more often than not, it is their patterns that end up getting inside us and changing us. The reason is simple - humans are extremely susceptible to moods, emotions, and even the ways of thinking of those with whom they spend their time. The incurably unhappy and unstable have particularly strong infecting power because their characters and emotions are so intense. They often present themselves as victims, making it difficult, at first, to see their miseries as self-inflicted. Before you realize the real nature of their problems you have been infected by them."

    It is harsh, but it's also hard to argue with.
  18. Chiclet

    Chiclet TRIBE Promoter

    Well then, you might as well lock yourself in a box. You'd be amazed at how many depressed/formerly depressed people surround you.
  19. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I don't disagree with you. I fall in the formerly depressed category myself, so I have to look no further than my own self to know how much a depressed person can bring others down.

    My simple point is that I try to associate with positive people. I've been down the lowest lows, and learned a lot there, but I'd rather bring happiness and be around fun people than the other way around.

    Tribe has some awesome people who totally get off on life. And they're totally magnetic.
  20. DJ Doublecross

    DJ Doublecross TRIBE Member

    This isn't the point though. Even if you're in a boring, shitty relationship and you meet someone new who you'd rather be with, don't sleep with that person before you end your current relationship! That's just weak and shows a lack of willpower and/or morals, as people stated above.

    If you meet someone new who you really like, why do you have to sleep with them right away, while you're still in a current relationship? Are they going to run away because you didn't have sex on the first night? If so, that's pretty weak too, why would you want to be with that person? If you really want to be with the new person, at the least explain that you're about to get out of your current relationship, and see what happens after that. If you're just doing it because you enjoy sex, you want to hurt your partner, etc, then it's just stupid. Even if you think you're relationship is mediocre, you're not the only person involved... what does the other person think? Are they going to say "ah well, it wasn't that great of a relationship, so I don't mind that he/she cheated." Of course not, being cheated on is one of the worst feelings in the world, regardless of how good the relationship was.


  21. PosTMOd

    PosTMOd Well-Known Member

    Some do more than that even-- like I know of a few people who paint faces...
  22. KiX

    KiX TRIBE Member

    I think it all boils down with not being totally satisfied with your partner.

    Most of the time there are things in your significant other that you wish were different or don't like... but you overlook them because you weigh in all their good factors.

    Sometimes the things you're unsatisfied with in the other person grow a little larger than you can handle... especially when the initial honeymoon stage is over and it's harder to not get frustrated with the other person's shortcomings.

    Then, if someone else comes along who just sweeps you off your feet for whatever reason, maybe solely because they have in them what your partner lacks, there sometimes just isn't enough to hold you back from not cheating in whatever form that takes.

    If you're with someone that you could potentially cheat on because your attraction to them isn't strong enough from preventing you from doing so, you probably shouldn't be in that relationship on those levels.

    just my two cents.

  23. Tonedeff

    Tonedeff TRIBE Member

    *raises hand*

    and I also tongue rosebuds for those interested


    k..i couldnt disagree more with this statement. a large majority of people, if not close to everyone, will go through some bout of depression in their lives, some of it may be due to chemical reasons or whatnot, but a lot of the time is situational, and its just a matter of talking about it and working through it. to say you avoid negative people at all cost sounds so self centered. so you're telling me that if one of your friends was going through a difficult time, leading them to a period of depression, you would be more concerned looking out for yourself, and staying away from them, than helping them through it, and trying to understand where they are coming from? thats really uncompassionate.
  25. DJ Doublecross

    DJ Doublecross TRIBE Member

    But there IS something holding you back, or at least there should be. You can call it respect, willpower, morals, self-restraint, integrity... whatever you want to call it, people possess it in different amounts. For many people, it would stop you from cheating no matter what the circumstances are, because that person would not be able to live with themselves by breaking their morals/self-image. We just think a lot of people are out there cheating because it's exciting/dramatic to hear about, so it gets more emphasis than with people who don't cheat.
    I think being able to measure this trait in someone else is very important in a relationship... if you're dating someone who has different morals than you, how can you ever build trust?


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